In Their Shoes Parenting

Parenting with connection is difficult! I hope this article I wrote gives you hope it can be done. 🙌🏻💪🏼

The intentional choice behind parenting with connection — In Their Shoes Parenting At the centre of all parenting moments needs to be an intentional choice to connect with the person not the child. You need to choose to see your child as a person to learn about, not as a ‘phase’ or as an accessory to your life. A person who today has their own views, opinions, desires, wants, ...

An old Persian saying, that for me has become a mantra when I find myself bogged down in the day-to-day of raising young kids.

Tip # 8 - "This too shall pass"

Our mindset is the strongest ally we have in building our parenting resilience. Training your internal 'voice' to focus on helpful thoughts shifts your mindset towards thriving, not just surviving.

👉🏻 There is no doubt raising young kids in particular is hard work. It's messy, noisy, repetitive, thankless & you do it all with little sleep. Older children present their own challenges as their temperament, independence & hormones kick in
👉🏻 Parenting is difficult! You do have to make sacrifices & bid goodbye to some of the freedoms & self-serving activities from your life before children. Fighting against this reality rather than accepting it is often at the root of parent's poor resilience
👉🏻 "This too shall pass" reflects the temporary nature of the season you find yourself in today. A fleeting moment will be spent changing nappies, getting up at night to feed, wiping runny noses or cleaning up spilt food (yet again)
👉🏻 "This too shall pass" allows you to rise above the weeds of the task and find your 'calm' in the longer-term perspective:
"I won't be doing this forever"
"There will be time again soon to do the things I cannot find time to do today"

Try this...
💡 List the child-related tasks you used to do, that you DON'T need to do anymore
- feed every three hours
- change nappies
- carry them everywhere
- load & unload a pram
- get them dressed

Now try this...
💡 list the things pre-children that have RETURNED to your life (after a small hiatus)
- Sleeping all night!
- Working
- Going out for dinner
- Exercising
- Reading a book


It's truly restorative to shift your perspective and 'see' the temporary nature of tough days in parenting. This doesn't mean it suddenly isn't difficult (sorry), but rather you tap into an inner strength. Your mindset kicks in, sending in reinforcement to keep going!

We all start ill-equipped to be parents. Overnight you become a mum or dad and find yourself with more responsibility than you’ve ever had before, woefully under-skilled for the tasks ahead.
Nothing in your prior life quite prepares you for the reality of raising kids!

Tip #7 - be willing to learn (& practice)

Ordinarily when you (or your children) are expected to learn a new skill, or are given more responsibility, you’re allowed space to learn, time to practice, and only given more when you show “you’re ready”. This isn’t the story when it comes to learning to parent.

Professionally & socially we are encouraged to “self-improve”, to invest in our minds & skills. Learning something new is celebrated, prioritised and actively enabled by society - yet the same privileges are rarely afforded to learning how to parent. Given how high the stakes are in raising kids, it puzzles me why dedicated time & resources to learning parenting aren't at the top of our lists!

Learning starts with:
👉🏻 seeing the 'gap' in your skills as an opportunity NOT a weakness or indication that you're a "bad parent"
👉🏻 accepting YOU need to learn new ways to parent if you want behaviours at home to change
👉🏻 actively engage with literature, other parents, grandparents, teachers ("your village" - Tip #5), not just glossing over shared knowledge
👉🏻 normalise the ups-&-downs of learning a new skill. Be willing to practice & accept it will be difficult at times


How does learning feed my resilience?
💡 If resilience is facing adversity & coming out the other end, then surely learning HOW to face adversity (i.e. your tool kit) helps you succeed?
💡 Like compound interest, investing today in improving such a large part of your life brings your family 'returns' much larger than your initial investment. These 'returns' fuel your stamina to keep going
💡 Learning from others ensures you don't feel alone in your parenting struggles. Knowing others "get it" pulls you through the tough days

I’m sure for many of us parents there are aspects of raising our children we find boring, mundane & maybe even joyless. Enjoying what you do strengthens your resolve & resilience. Children however can be silly, impulsive & simply not interested in what we are interested in - this can make it difficult to enjoy parenting.

Tip #6 – connect with the person not the child
Like you, one day your child will grow up, and like you, their childish exterior will fade, leaving their character & personality – their temperament!

👉🏻 Learning your child’s strengths, weaknesses, perspectives & reactions means you connect with their more lasting qualities
👉🏻 Whilst most children move through predictable developmental stages, their temperament influences HOW they behaviour, express themselves & get through each phase. Understanding their temperament equips you to face the ups & downs with confidence
👉🏻 Knowing your child’s temperament means you:
- Have a Barometer, giving you a measure of your child which leads to more patience & empathy in your parenting
- Can play to your child’s strengths which feeds their self-esteem
- Pre-empt their weaknesses, giving you space to teach rather than punish
- 'See’ yourself in them, which fosters common interests


How do I ‘find’ my child’s temperament?
💡 Watch how they interact with their world. List words like:
- Cautious
- Risk taker
- Social
- Structured
💡 Rate your child “high” or “low” on
- Energy
- Sensitivity
- Routine
- Social confidence
- Adapts to change
- Mood
- Intensity
- Persistence
- Distractibility
💡 Share your story with your child & listen as they share theirs...there may be more in common than you think!
💡 Focus on intrinsic qualities (even if it's hidden behind a childish behaviour), & affirm or refine as needed

Focusing on your child's temperament not their childish ways means you learn to parent in a way that connects & ultimately means you learn to enjoy your child’s company - the root of resilience!

You've likely heard the expression "it takes a village to raise a child", yet for most of us we cannot put a finger on our "village".
Thriving in parenting means you need to contribute & belong to a group.

Tip #5 - find your "village"

Sharing the load across friends, family & paid help aids when things get tough. But rather than thinking of the "village" as only for times of crisis, I want to suggest the "village" plays an invaluable role everyday.

👉🏻 Allowing multiple people (and generations) to have a role in raising your child breeds not only parental resilience but family resilience & this builds your child's resilience!
👉🏻 For you, a "village" helps:
- scaffold your 'truths' from Tip #1
- with your perspective as you share the highs & lows
- fuel your own happiness & sense of belonging as you contribute to your village (by offering the same support you get from it)
- teach flexibility in parenting, and how to relinquish control
👉🏻 For your kids, a "village" helps:
- offer a network of mentors - invaluable as they get older & look to others for guidance
- teach them to think of others, be flexible & contribute to the collective
👉🏻 Viewing the "village" as also raising your kids, means the load is ACTUALLY shared - grandparents, cousins, neighbours, friends, community groups & 'life' itself all help shape your child!


Where do you find your "village"?
💡Start by recapping Tip #3 - your family 'building blocks'. Find people who share these same principles & values
💡Give people you respect a role - there's wisdom & experience in the older generation, other parents, uncles & aunts if we just give them space to share it!
💡Not every member of the "village" needs to know each other - diversity is best!
💡Relinquish some 'ownership' as a parent (remember Tip #2) and allow your child choice & independence so 'life' itself becomes your "village"

We are half-way through the month & I hope you're enjoying spending a few moments thinking about building your parenting resilience?
Tip #4 - be purposeful about self-care

This is the tip I struggle with the most - the purposeful aspect in particular. I find it difficult to justify inconveniencing or disappointing others in order to achieve my self-care.

👉🏻 Any elite sports person would share that recovery is as important as training for optimal performance. Parenting is the ultimate marathon...we therefore need recovery too so we can perform to our best
👉🏻 Prioritising yourself for a period cannot be selfish if, in doing so, you are able to give more to those who depend on you
👉🏻 Being purposeful about self-care means taking ownership of your self-care, not waiting until your partner, parents, friends or others offer to help
👉🏻 Self-care needs to be achieved through multiple ways & balanced between both parents. Investments made daily, weekly & monthly


💡Start by listing what 'refuels' you? Is it socialising, sleeping, alone time, having a creative outlet, exercising?
💡Know what 'refuels' your partner and see where there are opportunities to help each other?
💡Identify what has prevented you being purposeful about self-care?
- do you need firmer boundaries so you're not always saying "yes"
- does your 'self-talk' need to change?
- do you need to budget for structured help?


List your self-care actions by what can be achieved:
Daily?
- having the kids in bed by a certain time so you can have adult-time
- having your space in the house where you can 'get away'
- wake up before the kids and get ready in peace before you face the day
Weekly?
- a scheduled exercise or creative arts class
- a night out with your partner or friends
- a 'slow morning' where you sleep-in & aren't 'on call'
Monthly?
- a day off
- weekend away
- invest in a passion