Green Bear Mums Coaching

You are a good person
I know this is not who you are
You’re really struggling and I’m here
💙I’m not ok with these words and I know if you had better ones, you’d use them

Vs

You are rude
How dare you?!
You can’t lose it
What is wrong with you?
This is not how I raised you

Do I say things from the second group sometimes? Yep 🙋🏼‍♀️ . And when I do I self soothe, repair and then take a curious look at what is happening for me to have responded in this way.

(Usually that means I need a combination of a free of these: some time out, an early bedtime, a laugh, a whinge, a hug, a run, a nice dinner, a proper breakfast, a good book, a shower, a good podcast etc.)

❤️ When we come from a place of trust, we believe that our child is already good. We can be compassionate and patient when they mess up because we get it takes time and practice (and a whole heap of brain development that continues until their mid 20s 😳).

🫣 When we come from a place of fear, we worry that they’ll turn out to be brats unless we punish them when they mess up. Or we get anxious and we take their bad moods personally. Or it strikes fear in us because our (well intentioned) parents didn’t allow for angry outbursts when we were small.

When I mess up I hope people I love will have empathy for my humanness. Kids deserve that and so much more leeway given how underdeveloped their brains are.

Not to freak you out but much of that brain shaping comes down to these moments.

Now I’m ranting….

FYI I get this right sometimes. Or as they’d say on anchorman, 60% of the time it works everytime.

At a 3rd birthday party a few years ago, my lovely friend saw me struggling to get my two small children and a bunch of bags into the car.

🙏 He picked up my then 4 year old daughter to help me.

She lost it. 😭 😭

I won’t lie. A part of me was embarrassed. He was apologetic and looked shocked and hurt. I felt for him. 🫣

It was tempting to feel like I had done something wrong.

💕But a bigger part of me was proud. She felt uncomfortable being picked up by a (very tall) man that she didn’t know very well, and she chose to honour that rather than be polite and suffer in silence.

Raising kids who listen to their bodies is not always easy. We want adolescents and young adults to always speak up, to go inwards and make sure they feel ok about situations they’re in and people they’re with, and to know what they want.

But it’s tempting to value compliance, being nice and being flexible in kids!! Especially when we’re at grandmas, the dentist, birthday parties etc.

Do I say “stop whinging!!”? Of course! I’m human.

…. And I know that it’s probably only encouraging the behaviour.

Check out the post for some alternatives.

Some days it will be easier than others- it will depend on how you’re travelling.

Most people cringe when we talk about self compassion. It sounds fluffy. Permissive. It seems like it gives us permission not to try.

🚨the opposite is true.

SHAME makes us turn away. 🫣

SELF COMPASSION allows us to face up to our mistakes. To be kind to ourselves long enough to make repairs, be curious about what went wrong, and to think about how we can change. 🤔

When our self critic takes over it’s often too much. Too shameful. Too ugly to look at.

In short self compassion is the 💣. A practice worth practicing. (And a practice worth role modelling, especially if your child is hard on themselves or perfectionistic)

(at least sometimes in some ways)

“She won’t let me go to the toilet alone” said a mum 😣

Wait, what? She (toddler) won’t LET you (adult)? 🤔

To be fair, I’ve said similar things myself. Many times actually. But here’s the thing I bring myself back to:

⭐️ Your child is many amazing things but they are not the boss. They have really strong preferences, but you, the parent, are the one who has to lead. And like every good leader, you listen to all parties but YOU make the final call.

Enter BOUNDARIES 🥳 -A critical part of any healthy relationship. They actually help our child feel safe, just like the lanes on a road do 🚘 🛑

Without them, you’ll quickly find yourself feeling exhausted, burn out and/or resentful 🫠🤯

💡Want to know the key to implementing them? EXPECT the protest. So often we fear it, even avoid it, but rather than get in our own heads about all the things we fear it means when our child cries, let’s remember that it’s a sign that our child feels safe enough to tell us EXACTLY how they feel!!

Bonus: your child will learn it’s ok to have her own boundaries, now and as a teen and adult. Boom 💥

(Even if we wish that they’d do it more quietly, with slightly less dramatic flair). 🙄🤞🏼😆

As always please share, save or like if you find this helpful 🙏

😆

What is… gentle parenting?

Also called
Respectful parenting
Conscious parenting
Aware parenting
Connected parenting

Let’s start here 💕

I recently muttered under my breath ‘act your age’

….to my then three year old.

🙄

To be fair, I laughed out loud to myself.

Her behaviour was totally age and developmentally appropriate. I was the one not acting my age.

Please feel free to use my confession as a friendly reminder that children are loud, quiet, shy, boisterous, push boundaries, have lots of tantrums, don’t have many tantrums, are kind, are self absorbed, living one minute, aggressive the next, eat heaps, eat like small birds, change their minds a lot, refuse to try new things and everything in between.

(Of course if you’re worried, trust your gut and ask a professional).

Hey 👋.

It’s ok if you’re finding it tough right now.

Motherhood can be tough. (And yes, yes, it can be all the lovely things but, cheeses, you’re allowed to find it tough- I don’t know a single mum who doesn’t).

✨Slow down.
📱Ask for help / let someone in.
🫖Be kind to yourself- make nice tea. Snacks.
🎵Put on some music.
🍁 🍃Get outside.
🫴Lower your expectations of yourself. It’s ok to have less to give sometimes. Strip back that ‘to do’ list… right back!

✨Just take it one day at a time. One hour at a time. One breath at a time.

Finally remember that even if time feels like it’s slowed the f down, it is moving forwards and these feelings will pass.

You can do this.

(And if you’re nailing it today, reach out to a mum that just might be having this kind of day. Text. Call. Hold her baby. Let her know you see her ❤️).

(but you aren’t meant to do it alone)

It feels good when someone notices we are trying/ making progress.

Letting your child overhear you while you talk to your partner or friend or parent is a powerful way to let them know you notice ❤️

When your child is struggling to respond 😐, it’s most likely they’ve frozen. You can help them develop confidence in 3 easy steps. Here they are in slide form!

The same goes with manners. TRUST that in time if you say please and thank you that your child will too. In the meantime, be on their side.