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Brainy Gecko, Bentley (2026)

28/07/2023

Four options:
1. Try for 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗹𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 and return to step 1 for another attempt to negotiate expectations. However, this time under renegotiations is under stress. The anxiety levels of the parties will make this difficult because trust has to be re-established. For this to succeed, all parties have to be realistic and give up unreal expectations. Work out what you can live with and negotiate a compromise where you can.
2. Go directly to the 𝐫𝐞-𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞. “𝙄’𝙢 𝙨𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮. 𝙇𝙚𝙩’𝙨 𝙜𝙤 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨.” This may work for a while but it’s often premature. It’s where you ‘𝗸𝗶𝘀𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘂𝗽’ but don’t actually deal with the issues at any sort of deep level. What you do buy back into is the old contract, the old set of expectations. We may enjoy another honeymoon period where things are sweet and more productive, but it won’t last because another cluster will form and that will end with another crunch. If that’s ignored, another cluster will start because you haven’t changed any behaviours.
3. Some people don’t leave; they simply withdraw. They go into themselves into a state called 𝗘𝗻𝗻𝘂𝗶. It’s a state of boredom or apathy. You’ll hear them say things like, “𝙄’𝙡𝙡 𝙙𝙤 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙙𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙖 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚. 𝙄’𝙡𝙡 𝙙𝙤 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄’𝙢 𝙩𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩’𝙨 𝙞𝙩.” They arrive bang on time and leave this minute the second hand hits five o’clock. If you’re a manager or a business owner, this type of employee can be toxic to your entire organisation. This attitude can be distractive for both the individual and the company. There are no winners in this situation.
4. 𝗠𝘂𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: the final stage in the departure lounge. It results in a loss of self-esteem. It’s painful for the person and for the people left behind because they don’t know what went wrong. It’s where the couple end in divorce. Termination can be negotiated and is less painful for merely disappearing.

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25/07/2023

𝗗𝗶𝘀𝗿𝘂𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀: the opposite of the stable and productive stage, and the energy figures are now reversed: 20% is spent on productivity and 80% is maintaining the relationship.

A few file to deal with the pinch, you will experience another, and another, and another, and 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝘂𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 will reign. Frustration anxiety resentment builds until you have a cluster of anxiety-provoking events. If the pinch is treated quickly, it’s like a single bee sting- painful but bearable.

If you remain mute, the other person in the relationship may have a sense that something’s wrong, but they can’t deal with issues they don’t know about, and so the behaviour is bound to happen again and again and again. Another sting will occur. And if, for whatever reason, the same strategy of stuffing and avoiding the problem is followed, then the anxiety will stay there gathering strength. One day, a seemingly minor incident will happen and the person’s anger will break through and they dump all of their pint-up anger onto the other person in a 𝗯𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗻𝘁𝘀. People around them are shocked, “𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢?” All she said was, “𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙡 𝙤𝙛 𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙗𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙞𝙣𝙘𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙙.”

Have you ever done this, or been on the receiving end of one of these barrages?

The person on the receiving end of this barrage of anger is very likely to become 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 and respond with 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿. This situation can be fatal for the relationship.

And the relationship is now unstable and is the opposite of the honeymoon stage where 20% of the energy available to the group is productive, and 80% is spent on maintaining the relationship. The relationship has now become unproductive.

People don’t know what to expect. Role confusion abounds, and the couple or the company experiences an increase in anxiety.

Now, both parties are experiencing disrupted expectations. It’s a miss and it’s when people get hurt. Everyone around that relationship is affected because the ripples of this negative energy flow through the entire company, family, group of friends, the club or the church, and this closes the anxiety to increase to unsustainable levels.

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22/07/2023

One of the parties has done something that upsets the other… and we have a 𝗣𝗜𝗡𝗖𝗛.

Conflicts are unavoidable. Someone at some time will violate an expectation. The pinch is when one or both people experience a hint of discomfort. What you expected to happen didn’t happen; and what you didn’t expect to happen did happen. That is guaranteed.

When things are flowing well, people do not intend to change, but like it or not, 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑒𝑛𝑠.

The clarity you gained in the negotiation stage helps, but the reality is that pinches will happen regardless.

If the disappointments are relatively minor, you can go for a 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗸 𝗳𝗶𝘅 and a rapid return to the 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 80/20 stage.

If it’s a more serious breach, then you can refer to the first stage and negotiate the expectation. If a new agreement can be reached and a new commitment made, you pass back through the honeymoon stage and enter the 80/20 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 stage.

If agreement can’t be reached, you have the option of 𝗻𝗲𝗴𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 of the agreement. This is planned termination.

‌However, if you keep quiet and stuff the disappointment inside, you have laid the foundation through a very unhealthy cluster.

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17/07/2023

Once you have clarity of expectations, the relationship then moves to the next stage: 𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗺𝗶𝘁𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁.

Once expectations have been agreed upon, the formal letters are exchanged, contracts are signed, and the wedding vows are given. This is a form of commitment to the negotiated expectations. Everyone’s happy, and when things are stable, people do not tend to change.

Some expectations have been left a little fuzzy, but that’s okay because you can sort them out later, can’t you? It won’t be a big deal. Really, what can go wrong?

It’s in this state of euphoria that we, humans, only seek the evidence that supports this rosy outlook. The trouble is that fuzzy expectations result in fuzzy commitment.

We see the consequences of those fuzzy expectations soon, but for now, let’s pretend that everything is perfect. So, with the rose-coloured glasses firmly in place, it’s time for celebration: the honeymoon. It’s an exciting time where everyone’s keen to get started on this brand-new thrilling adventure.

At this stage, the relationship is stable and usually productive. There’s very little negative emotion. In fact, 80% of the energy available to the relationship is going to productive activity, and 20% is spent on maintaining the relationship. What you expect to get, you are getting; and what you’re supposed to give, you are giving. Things are running smoothly. Everything is perfect… until it isn’t. And this is when the trouble starts.

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14/07/2023

𝗥𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽𝘀 are complex and multifaceted, and it requires open communication, trust, and understanding. One of the common reasons relationships falter is the absence of 𝗰𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀.

Clear expectations build the foundation of successful relationships. By fostering self-awareness, open communication, and boundary-setting, we can establish realistic expectations and cultivate healthier connections with our loved ones.

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11/07/2023

· How can I maintain better long-term relationships?
· What can I do when a relationship seems to be breaking down?
· I can’t seem to maintain an intimate relationship.
· Why are we losing so many staff member?
· I struggle to hold onto long-term professional and personal relationships.

𝗦𝗼𝗹𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Deal with the disappointments and differences before they escalate to the problems.

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05/07/2023

In effective communication, congruence plays an important role in establishing trust, credibility, and understanding. When our words, actions, and intentions align, we create a great connection with others.

𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗴𝗿𝘂𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗺𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 serves as a powerful stimulant for creating meaningful relationships and fostering understanding. By calculating our words, actions, and intentions, we build trustworthiness and connection. Through mindfulness and practicing active listening, we can cultivate congruent communication in our interactions and enhance the quality of our relationships.

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04/07/2023

What do you when Criticised?
Do you get stuck for words and don't know what to say? Many of us become defensive and angry when responding to criticism.

But a lot of criticism is designed to manipulate you to say or do something that will make the critic feel better about themselves.

Manipulation
If you respond to criticism the same way every time, that means that, as your critic, I can manipulate you. If you always become angry, then I can make you angry. If you always become defensive or withdraw, your critic can make you defend yourself or get you to walk away. Either way, your critic wins.
But there's a much better way, and it places you in the driver's seat. It's the skill of fogging. The skill of fogging disarms your critic, and you take control of the conversation.
When Fogging is combined with Negative Inquiry, you force the critic to be specific. Even if your critic means well, we use the skill of Negative Inquiry to coach them to be clear, which opens the dialogue, creating the potential for a more positive interaction.
However, if they intend to manipulate you, you force them to defend their criticism. You hold them accountable because they have to justify their criticism.

03/07/2023

𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗚𝗮𝗽𝘀 are an inescapable part of human communication, but by recognising and responding to them, we can build stronger connections and more inclusive relationships. When we embrace cultural diversity, bridge differences in generations, adapt delivery styles, and nurture empathy, we can bridge these gaps and cultivate meaningful connections that overstep boundaries. Let us aim to bridge the interpersonal gaps and build a more peaceful and compassionate environment.

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https://www.brainygecko.com

30/06/2023

There are numerous practical community resources available. But many say that 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁 is harder to find. Many experience separation from friends and family, leaving them feeling alone, abandoned and even more vulnerable.

Visit us at: https://www.brainygecko.com to learn more.

28/06/2023

If you are caring for a loved one with Alzheimers disease, dementia or has suffered a brain injury such as a stroke this article from Susan David may help you.

Susan confirms my belief that Carers need a carer. That is someone who will sit and listen to them without judgement or offering advice.

Caregivers are often the forgotten heroes even though they suffer the effects of trauma just as much than the survivor or patient.

Carers become the Silent Victims. They just want someone to listen to them.

27/06/2023

Recognise that caregiving is a highly 𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗱𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗲𝗱 experience. For example, a stroke survivor's injury varies, as does the family situation.

What works for one caregiver may not work for another. Finance may or may not be an issue, and the survivor's mental and physical abilities and mood can change from one minute to the next.

Carers often describe life as feeling like 𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑜𝑛 𝑎 𝑟𝑜𝑙𝑙𝑒𝑟 𝑐𝑜𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟. Soaring one minute and plunging back down the next.

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