Riviera Counselling Service

30/08/2026

When Perfect Gets in the Way of Love
From this week’s East Regional View newspaper column, if you like this post, please share with others. You can read many more useful articles for free. Click here to find articles in my Blog. https://rivieracounselling.com.au/snippets-of-useful.../

Q Am I enough? Thanks for the question F, I had a client who shared with me that their partner had listed a huge number of admirable traits… but finished stating that wasn’t enough for them. I started thinking about the damage that perfectionism does to relationships, because this wasn’t the first example I have come across. Most of us have some idea of the person we would like to share our life with. We want someone kind, trustworthy, interesting and affectionate, someone who shares enough of our values to make life together enjoyable. There is nothing wrong with having such a picture, the problem occurs when this becomes perfectionism.

Perfectionism makes finding a partner extraordinarily difficult because we stop asking, “Could I build a happy life with this person?” and start asking, “Do they tick every box?” And there is always another box! They are attractive, but not quite attractive enough. They are caring, but perhaps a little too quiet. They have a good job, but don't earn quite enough. They make us laugh, but we don't share all the same interests. They are wonderful in ten different ways, but we focus on the eleventh that isn't quite right. The trouble is that we end up spending our lives searching for someone who doesn't exist.

Everyone carries around an internal picture of the people, experiences and things we believe will make our lives satisfying. The closer someone seems to fit that picture, the more attracted we are likely to feel towards them, but that picture isn't reality. Real people come with strengths, weaknesses, habits, histories and irritating little quirks, and so do we.

Perfectionism will cause even more problems once we are in a relationship. We may begin with the thought, “I love this person,” but gradually move towards, “I would be happier if only they would change. “If only they were tidier, more affectionate, communicated better, were more ambitious, more organised, more spontaneous or more like us. And that is when perfectionism becomes controlling. We begin criticising, nagging, complaining, blaming or withdrawing affection in an attempt to push our partner towards our preferred version of them.

Unfortunately, the more we try to change another person, the more likely they are to resist us. The relationship slowly becomes a battleground over who the other person should be.
Healthy relationships require us to distinguish between what really matters and what we would simply prefer. Kindness matters, trust matters, respect matters, feeling physically and emotionally safe matters and being able to talk through differences matters. Whether someone stacks the dishwasher exactly the way we do doesn't.

Successful couples are not two perfectly matched people, they are two imperfect people who have learned how to accept their differences while continuing to value what they have together. This doesn't mean accepting behaviour that is destructive or abandoning our own needs. It means recognising that we cannot create the perfect partner by changing another person. We can only decide how we will behave within the relationship.

Perhaps one of the most useful questions we can ask ourselves is not, “Is this person everything I want?” It is: “Is what we have together worth valuing, nurturing and building upon?” Searching for the perfect relationship prevents us from recognising the very good one sitting right in front of us.

25/08/2026

How Volunteering is Good for Everyone
From this week’s East Regional View newspaper column, if you like this post, please share with others. You can read many more useful articles for free. Click here to find articles in my Blog. https://rivieracounselling.com.au/snippets-of-useful.../

With the retirement of Aaron Lee from his position of Captain of the Bairnsdale Fire Brigade, I began to ponder the role of volunteers in our community. We often think of volunteering as something we do for other people, we give our time to the local sporting club, CFA, school, community organisation, op shop or service group because somebody needs to do the work. What we sometimes overlook is that we receive just as much as the people we are helping.

Human beings have some very basic needs. We need to feel that we belong, that we matter, that we have some influence over our lives, that we can enjoy ourselves and that we have a degree of freedom to make our own choices. Volunteering can help satisfy every one of these needs. Perhaps the most obvious is our need for connection and belonging. When we volunteer, we become part of something. We meet people we may never otherwise have met and work alongside people of different ages, occupations and backgrounds. Over time acquaintances often become friends and the organisation becomes part of our social world.

Research supports what many volunteers already know from experience. Volunteering is associated with greater life satisfaction, happiness, self-esteem and mental wellbeing, with social connection and a sense of purpose appearing to be particularly important. There is also something very satisfying about knowing we are useful. We all need to experience a sense of personal worth and achievement. Being able to say, “I helped make that happen,” whether it was running a junior football match, helping at a school fete, fighting a bushfire or simply making someone a cup of tea, can give us a genuine sense of purpose. Interestingly, research in rural Victoria found that volunteers described exactly these sorts of benefits: stronger social connections, a greater sense of belonging, opportunities to give something back and the feeling of being part of something bigger than themselves, but volunteering doesn't just benefit the volunteer.

Strong communities are built through relationships. Every time people work together voluntarily, they create connections between people who might otherwise remain strangers. Those connections gradually build trust. We begin to recognise one another, understand one another and develop the feeling that this is our community and we look after each other. That is what we mean by community cohesion. The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare identifies volunteering as one of the important ways people connect with others and contribute to their communities. Social connection, belonging and community involvement are themselves important contributors to wellbeing.

This becomes particularly important during difficult times. Communities with strong networks of volunteers already have relationships, trust and ways of working together. When fires, floods, personal tragedy or other challenges arrive, those connections matter enormously. Of course, volunteering needs to remain a choice, if people feel pressured, taken for granted or overloaded, something valuable can quickly become another burden. Successful volunteer organisations recognise this, they value people, give them meaningful choices and make volunteering enjoyable.

To Aaron and all of the other volunteers in our community I say a heartfelt thank you. Without you there would be no community, just a collection of strangers living near each other, and all of our lives would be much worse off.

19/08/2026

We love each other, so why do we fight?
One of the things that often saddens couples is how they can genuinely love each other yet fight so bitterly. We tend to assume that if we really loved each other we wouldn't fight, but the truth is often quite different. It is probably impossible to have a close relationship without conflict, fortunately, it is very possible to have one without fighting.

We are all different, while we share the same five basic needs of survival, love and belonging, power or achievement, freedom and fun, we don't experience them to the same degree. We also develop very different pictures in our minds of how we would like our needs to be met and our lives to be. One person may have a high need for love and belonging and want to spend lots of time together, while their partner may have a stronger need for freedom and value time alone. One may want to save every spare dollar while the other wants to travel and enjoy life while they can. Neither is necessarily right or wrong, they simply want different things and that is where conflict arises.

The real trouble begins when we decide that the way to resolve our differences is to change the other person, we call this external control, and most of us have been practising it all of our lives. We criticise, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish or sometimes withdraw from the other person, unconsciously thinking that if we apply enough pressure they will eventually see things our way. Of course while we are busy trying to control them, they are equally busy trying to control us, so now we have a fight. Interestingly, the fight is often no longer about the original problem, it becomes about winning. Being right, defending ourselves, or proving that the other person is wrong becomes the priority. Unfortunately, even if we win those battles, our relationship usually loses.

There is another way. Instead of thinking, “How do I get you to do what I want?”, we can ask, “How can we find a way forward that respects what both of us want?” That doesn't mean giving in and it doesn't mean pretending something doesn't matter when it does, nor does it mean avoiding difficult conversations. Good relationships require us to talk about difficult things.

The difference is that we stop seeing our partner as the problem and begin seeing the issue as something we need to solve together. Conflict handled this way can actually strengthen a relationship. Each time we manage a disagreement without attacking, blaming or trying to control each other, we learn something very important about our relationship. We learn that it is safe and normal to disagree. We discover that I can tell you what matters to me, you can tell me what matters to you, and neither of us needs to destroy the other person's position in order to protect our own. That builds trust, and trust allows love to grow.

Instead of measuring a successful relationship by how rarely couples disagree we should look at how rarely they fight. People who share their lives are going to have different needs, wants and opinions, conflict is inevitable, but fighting isn't.
The important question isn't whether we disagree. It is whether, when we do, we can remain friendly, fair and respectful enough to remember that the person sitting opposite us isn't our enemy, they are the person we love.

31/07/2026

Should I vent my anger to get it out of my system?

Column from this week’s East Regional View column, if you like this post, please share with others. You can read many more useful articles for free. Click here to find articles in my Blog. https://rivieracounselling.com.au/snippets-of-useful.../

Thanks for the Question T. For many years we were told that anger was like steam building up inside a pressure cooker. The advice was to let it out before it explodes, punch a punching bag or pillow, smash something, scream out loud. Just get it out of your system. It sounded logical, but research has consistently shown that this approach doesn't work very well, in fact, it often makes things worse.

We now know that repeatedly acting out anger doesn't drain it away, instead, it strengthens the very neural pathways that produce angry responses. Every time we express anger aggressively, our brain becomes a little more efficient at doing exactly the same thing next time. Rather than emptying the anger tank, we are filling it. That doesn't mean we should bottle our anger up either. Anger is a valid emotion, and it usually tells us when something important to us feels threatened, unfair or frustrating. The goal isn't to suppress it, but to respond wisely to it.

One of the most useful concepts from Choice Theory is that while we don't directly control our feelings, we do have control over our thinking and our actions, those choices then affect how we feel. When we become angry, our brain shifts into survival mode. The emotional parts of the brain become highly active while the areas responsible for thoughtful decision making become less effective. In that state we tend to make poor choices, we say things we later regret, we damage relationships and we can make problems bigger instead of smaller.

That is why the first task is not solving the problem, it is calming ourselves enough so that we can solve the problem. Calming ourselves doesn't mean doing something violent in a safer place. Hitting a punching bag while imagining another person's face is still rehearsing aggression. Smashing objects or yelling at the top of our lungs keeps the body and brain focused on anger. A far better approach is to release the physical energy without feeding the emotional fire.

Go for a brisk walk, ride a bike or do some gardening. Take slow, deep breaths while walking outside. These activities allow the stress hormones that accompany anger to reduce naturally while giving the thinking part of the brain time to come back online.

Once we are calmer, we make better choices. We can ask ourselves, "What do I really want here?" "Will my current behaviour help me achieve it?" "What could I do that is more likely to improve this situation?" Those questions move us from blame to responsibility and from reaction to problem solving.

The interesting thing is that most anger isn't actually about the event itself. It comes from the gap between what we wanted to happen and what actually happened. While we can't control the situation or the other person, we can always choose our next behaviour and that choice is where our greatest opportunity lies.
The real solution to anger isn't about acting it out. It is about getting better at calming ourselves so we can think clearly, choose effective behaviours and deal constructively with the problem that created the anger in the first place. See less

27/07/2026

The power of our thoughts is greater than we imagine”
From this week’s Gippsland Weekend column, if you like this post, please share with others. You can read many more useful articles for free. Click here to find articles in my Blog. https://rivieracounselling.com.au/snippets-of-useful-information/“

One of the most important things I have ever learned is that while we can't directly choose our feelings, we have far more influence over them than most people realise. Many people spend years waiting to feel motivated, happy, calm or confident before they take action, unfortunately that usually meant they kept waiting.

Our behaviour is driven by four inseparable parts: our thinking, our acting, our feelings and our physiology. They constantly influence one another, but we don’t have direct control over all of them. The interesting thing is that while we have very little direct control over our feelings or our physiology, we have considerable control over our thinking and through our thoughts the actions we choose.

Think about the last time you were anxious. Your heart may have raced, your breathing became shallow, your muscles tightened and your stomach felt uncomfortable. Those physical reactions felt automatic because they largely were, yet they were directly linked to what you were thinking and what you were doing.
If your thoughts were telling you that something terrible was about to happen, your body responded as though the danger was real.

Modern neuroscience shows that our brain constantly predicts what is coming next. When it predicts threat, it prepares the body for survival by releasing stress hormones, increasing our heart rate and making us more alert. It is an amazing system designed to protect us, but it can respond to perceived dangers just as strongly as real ones. The good news is that the reverse is also true.

If we deliberately change our thinking and our behaviour, our feelings and our physiology will begin to change as well. Taking a slow walk, standing a little taller, smiling, breathing deeply or engaging in meaningful conversation may not instantly solve the problem, but these actions will send a very different message to the brain and body.

Replacing catastrophic thinking with realistic, balanced thinking reduces the need for the body to remain on high alert. We are not pretending everything is wonderful and we are not using positive affirmations we don’t really believe. We are simply choosing thoughts that are more accurate and more helpful. This explains why waiting until we feel like exercising, apologising, making that phone call or tackling an important task is not very successful. Action comes before motivation, not after it. Every small positive action gives the brain new evidence that we are capable human beings, so our confidence and motivation gradually grows. The same principle applies to our relationships. If we choose behaviours such as listening, encouraging, respecting and supporting others, we often notice that our own feelings begin to soften. Our bodies become less tense, our thinking becomes clearer and our relationships become more satisfying.

None of this suggests we should ignore sadness, grief or fear. Those emotions have an important place in our lives and are signals that we should pay attention and take action. We need to remember that we are not powerless passengers simply hoping our feelings improve. By taking responsibility for what we think and what we do, we create the greatest opportunity for our feelings and our physical wellbeing to move in a healthier more satisfying direction. This is one of the greatest learnings in life. We cannot always choose how we feel in the moment, but we can always choose our next thought and our next action. Take charge of your thoughts, choose your actions wisely and put them into practice and your feelings and physiology will eventually catch up.

18/07/2026

What is Positive Sentiment Override and can it be learned?

From this week’s East Regional View column, if you like this post, please share with others. You can read many more useful articles for free. Click here to find articles in my Blog. https://rivieracounselling.com.au/snippets-of-useful-information/

Thanks for the Question W. One of the greatest predictors of a happy, lasting relationship isn't whether couples argue, every couple has differences of opinion. It isn't whether they occasionally annoy each other, that is inevitable too. The real difference often comes down to something psychologists call Positive Sentiment Override. It sounds like a complicated term, but the idea is quite straightforward.

Positive Sentiment Override means that you generally see your partner through a positive lens. When they forget something, arrive home late or say something that doesn't come out quite right, your first thought is, "They probably have a good reason." You assume positive intent rather than jumping to negative conclusions.

The opposite is called Negative Sentiment Override. Here, the same behaviour is interpreted very differently. Being late becomes "They don't care about me." Forgetting to buy the milk becomes "They're selfish." A tired response becomes "They don't love me anymore." The behaviour hasn't changed but the interpretation has and this is where our thoughts become incredibly important. Our response is not to the events themselves, we respond to the meaning we give those events.
Modern neuroscience tells us that our brain is constantly predicting what situations mean before we are even consciously aware of it. Once our brain develops a pattern, it becomes very efficient at finding evidence to support that pattern. If we expect kindness, we tend to notice kindness. If we expect criticism, we become experts at finding criticism, even when none was intended. That doesn't mean we are fooling ourselves, it simply means our brain is filtering thousands of pieces of information every day and our expectations influence what gets through the filter.

This is why our choices matter. While we cannot directly choose how we feel, we can choose how we think. We can choose to pause before reacting, we can choose to ask ourselves, "Is there another explanation?" We can choose curiosity instead of accusation. These choices will gradually set the emotional climate of our relationship.

Something else that researchers have consistently found is that Positive Sentiment Override is built through small moments rather than grand gestures. A smile when your partner walks through the door, saying thank you, listening without interrupting, touching their shoulder as you walk past, laughing together and showing genuine interest in their day. Every one of these small interactions is like making a deposit into a relationship bank account. Over time those deposits build trust, goodwill and emotional safety. Then, when misunderstandings occur, there is enough goodwill stored up that couples naturally give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Positive Sentiment Override can be learned, like every habit of thinking it develops through repeated choices. It doesn't require pretending everything is perfect or ignoring genuine problems. Healthy couples still raise concerns and disagree. The difference is they usually tackle the problem without attacking the person. Perhaps the most useful question we can ask ourselves when conflict arises is this: "What story am I telling myself about my partner right now? If the story assumes they are uncaring, selfish or deliberately trying to hurt us, we will respond accordingly. If the story assumes they are doing the best they can, even if imperfect, our response is likely to be calmer, kinder and far more productive. Strong relationships are not built by perfect people. They are built by ordinary people who repeatedly choose to see the best in each other, especially when it would be easier not to.

14/07/2026

26/06/2026

Are We Forgetting How to Talk?
From this weeks Gippsland Weekend column, If you like this post, please share with others. You can read many more useful articles for free.
Click here to find articles in my Blog.
https://rivieracounselling.com.au/snippets-of.../articles
Many people nowadays seem less comfortable having a face to face conversation than sending a text message. Technology has given us many wonderful ways to stay connected, even over great distances, but there is growing evidence that our increasing reliance on texting is changing the way we communicate and not always for the better. Text messages seem to be quick, convenient and efficient. They allow us to communicate across distances in seconds. The problem is that human communication was never designed to rely solely on words appearing on a screen. We have developed the ability to communicate with our whole body, not just our thumbs.
When we sit with another person, we receive a constant stream of information that helps us understand what is really being communicated. We notice facial expressions, body language, eye contact, tone of voice, pauses, gestures and even subtle shifts in posture. These signals provide the feedback that helps us adjust what we are saying and how we are saying it. Imagine telling a joke. When the other person smiles, laughs or leans forward, you know they are engaged. If they look confused or uncomfortable, you immediately adjust. This feedback happens automatically and subconsciously and forms an important part of all effective communication.
Texting removes most of this information. We are left with words and perhaps the occasional emoji, the result is that misunderstanding becomes more frequent. A brief response may be interpreted as anger. A delayed reply may be seen as rejection. A harmless comment may be read as criticism. Without non-verbal cues, we are often forced to guess what the other person means. What concerns me is the long term effect this is having on our communication skills. Like any skill, communication improves through practice. When people spend less time engaged in face to face conversations and verbal interactions, they have fewer opportunities to develop the ability to read and respond to non-verbal cues.
Teachers, employers and parents report that many people are finding it harder to maintain eye contact, participate in conversations or recognise emotional signals in others. While texting is not the only reason for this change, it is certainly contributing. The conventions of normal conversation are learned through experience. We learn when to speak, when to listen, how to take turns, how to recognise when someone wishes to contribute and how to respectfully disagree. These skills are difficult to develop through text based communication where responses may arrive seconds, hours or even days later and aren’t enriched by our non-verbal responses
We humans have a deep need for connection and belonging. Meaningful relationships are usually strengthened through rich communication, not simply the exchange of information. Face to face conversations allow us to feel heard, understood and valued in ways that text messages often cannot replicate. I am not suggesting we abandon texting, it is a useful tool and has earned its place in modern life. I believe we need to be more intentional about balancing digital communication with live, face to face conversations. A phone call, hanging out while sitting on the front fence or deliberately meeting to talk with someone will do more for our relationships and communication skills than a hundred text messages ever could. The ability to communicate effectively remains one of life's most important skills. It would be a shame if convenience and lack of practice resulted in us losing the skill to do it well.

23/06/2026

I Am Worried About Sending My Child to 3 Year Old Kinder. Should I Be Concerned?
From this weeks East Regional View column, If you like this post, please share with others. You can read many more useful articles for free.
Click here to find articles in my Blog.
https://rivieracounselling.com.au/snippets-of.../articles
Thanks for your question S. It is completely normal for parents to feel anxious about sending their child to three year old kindergarten. For many families, it is the first time they have entrusted their child to the care of others for an extended period. Questions naturally arise. Will my child cope? Are they too young? Will they be upset? Am I pushing them too soon?
The good news is that the evidence coming out of Victoria strongly suggests that quality three year old kindergarten provides significant benefits for most children. The Victorian Government's expansion of funded three and four year old kindergarten is based on extensive research showing that two years of quality kindergarten delivers better outcomes than one year alone. Research highlights improvements in language development, social skills, emotional wellbeing and school readiness.
It is important to understand that kindergarten is not just schooling at a younger age. Good kindergarten programs are based on play, exploration, curiosity and relationships. Children learn through doing, not through sitting and being taught. They develop communication skills, learn how to share, negotiate, take turns, solve simple problems and manage their emotions. These are the collection of skills that will serve them throughout their lives.
From my perspective, one of the greatest benefits is the opportunity for children to begin meeting some of their important needs outside the family environment. They discover they can connect with other children, build friendships, learn from trusted adults and gain a growing sense of competence. Every time a child successfully navigates a new experience, they add another layer of confidence to their developing sense of self.
This does not mean every child will skip happily through the gate on day one. Some children adjust quickly while others need time. Tears at separation are not usually a sign that something is wrong, often they are a sign that both parent and child are experiencing a normal transition. As parents, we sometimes make the mistake of assuming our child's temporary discomfort means we should remove the challenge, but growth occurs when children are supported to work through manageable difficulties. The key point here is that it is manageable with support. Children need reassurance, consistency and confidence from the adults around them to do this. See less