03/05/2026
Domestic violence is often described in limited ways, like it only happens in struggling households, or only when alcohol or drugs are involved. That’s not how it actually works.
As someone who teaches self-defence and close quarters combat, you learn quickly that danger doesn’t come with a “type.” It’s not limited to one kind of family, income level, or lifestyle. I’ve seen people from all walks of life; professionals, well-off families, people with no obvious “problems”, dealing with the same patterns of control, intimidation, and abuse. From the outside, everything can look completely fine. That’s part of what makes it harder to spot and harder to talk about.
In those situations, the pressure to keep things looking “normal” for the victim can be intense. People worry about reputation, about not being believed, or about turning their whole life upside down if they speak up. And abusers can use that for status, confidence, or social standing, to stay in control and avoid being questioned.
There’s also this common idea that alcohol or drugs are the main cause of domestic violence. They’re not. They can make things worse, they lower inhibitions and can increase aggression, but they’re not the root of the problem. The real issue is control: one person trying to dominate, intimidate, or manipulate another. Plenty of people drink and never become violent, and plenty of domestic abusers don’t rely on substances at all.
Why does this matter? Because these stereotypes can stop people from recognising what’s actually happening. If you think abuse only looks a certain way, you might miss the warning signs in your own life or someone else’s. Or worse, you might think, “This can’t be abuse, my situation doesn’t fit that picture.”
From a self-defence perspective, awareness is the first line of protection. That means understanding that abuse isn’t defined by income, education, or whether someone drinks. It’s defined by patterns, control, fear, manipulation, and harm. Once you recognise that, you’re in a better position to act, whether that’s setting boundaries, getting support, defending yourself or helping someone else do the same.
Support services in Australia and New Zealand
If you or someone you know needs support, these services are confidential and available 24/7:
Australia
1800RESPECT – phone 1800 737 732, plus online chat and text
Lifeline Australia – 13 11 14
MensLine Australia – 1300 78 99 78
Men’s Referral Service – 1300 766 491
New Zealand
Shine – 0508 744 633
Women’s Refuge – 0800 733 843
If you’re in immediate danger, call 000 (Australia) or 111 (New Zealand). These services can help you think clearly about your next steps and connect you with the right kind of support.
