A new dawn

There are numerous things to consider when deciding on an IVF clinic, read the article on my website to gain an understanding of what to keep in mind as you make an extremely important decision.

https://www.infertilitysupportuae.com/post/deciding-on-an-ivf-clinic-here-s-what-to-consider

How to decide on an IVF clinic? Read more on

Deciding on an IVF clinic? Here's what to consider Compiled and edited by- Priyanka Bhatia- Mahendru You’ve heard the terrible news, and your heart sank. You and your partner need help conceiving. As you both tr

The next support group coming up on 24th February 2018! see you all there!

Ask your doctor this question

Two weeks ago, I sat across a fertility expert to look at what my options are. I have had 4 cycles of IVF with genetic testing and as I look to get back on the treatment horse, I wanted to understand what we have on our table and what’s the best we can do with it.

I was by myself, as it was rather impromptu meeting with the doctor and my husband was not there. The doctor starts speaking, and I sit there with my pencil and paper in hand, ready to write, lest I forget!

I hear him speak for 15 minutes about our possibilities; he took me through what’s not working and what I can do to get around it. The 20 minute chat with him left me with options A and B and some sort of a timeline.

I should’ve been glad that things were clearing up. For a lot of us doing treatment, after a treatment fails, there is this cloudy, unclear fog that surrounds, and hampers our ability to think of possibilities from this place. After this meeting my brain fog seemed to clear in one corner of my mind and yet I was left with a feeling I could not shake, a feeling of despondence and sadness.

Later, as I reflected on what the sadness was about and I realized that the whole conversation with the doctor was geared around what was not right and was not working. Most physicians have been trained to focus on what’s not working, what’s not in place, what’s wrong, so they can fix it. Which is great for treatment, but it leaves a patient who is on the receiving end with a feeling of sadness and the thought of ‘nothing is going right’, which is far from the COMPLETE TRUTH. It’s a rather lop-sided picture and one that we focus a LOT on in our whole infertility journey.
How about we hold a truer, whole picture of where we are?

As I thought about that, I realized, a simple question to the doctor, ‘ What’s going well for me”? would help.

It could be something medically that is going well in either the husband or the wife, the way the treatment is being handled, what worked last cycle, hormones in place, or how well the journey is being managed emotionally and psychologically, how the patient is trying to learn and get on top of their own treatment (https://www.facebook.com/FertilitycoachPri/posts/1663707523931107:0) etc. It helps to get the whole picture.

Some examples could be -
The s***m motility isn’t good, but the volume is great.
The endometrial lining is good
Even though this is really hard, its great to have you and husband show up together and support each other
You have few eggs, but based on your last cycle, most of them get fertilized
Even though you’ve gone through so much, your strength is commendable
Your haemoglobin is really a good number
It’s great that you are taking these supplements to support egg quality
I’m glad you are doing acupuncture to increase your chances of implantation

For most of us, in our reproductive journey, there’s something that is going well and something’s that our bodies are struggling with.

When we look at what’s working, It not about Pollyanna thinking or creating a false hope, but having a more complete picture of what is going on which includes what’s working and what’s not.

This helps with being able to access your options, bearing in mind what is going well for you and what your strengths are that could point you to options that are workable. It also helps with giving your mind some respite even for a bit with, ‘that’s one less piece I have to worry about’.

So, the next time, ask your doctor, “what’s working well for us” or “what worked well in the last IVF/IUI cycle”

Train your doctor to help you see this side of the story too. And if your doctor is unable to answer that, sit with your partner or a good friend or your journal and ask this of yourself.

Arm yourself!

Remember the first time you went to the doctor since you’ve been trying to have a baby and it wasn’t working. The doctor used all sorts of medical terms and explained using all sorts of diagrams that were completely foreign and you left feeling overwhelmed! Whilst that's absolutely normal at the beginning of treatment, make sure things change as you continue treatment.

Remember one simple thing regarding your treatment- It’s yours! Not the doctor’s, not the nurse’s , not your friends or families.. it’s yours.
I have learnt it's not enough to coast along depending only on your doctor. Take charge, be your own advocate and Arm Yourself! Know more about your infertility than anything else right now!
Make sure you learn everything; I mean everything, regarding your treatment. Become an expert in all matters related to your infertility. Learn about your body and how it works, learn from people who have had similar diagnosis, ask your nurse, read articles, read research papers, learn.

Here is a list of 10 things you can do to arm yourself!

1. Make a little ‘treatment diary’ – carry this with you for doctor appointments and to write questions and thoughts in

2. Make a list of questions before you visit your doctor.

3. Don’t shy away from asking questions of the doctor and the nurse. Concerned doctors will be more than happy to spend those extra few minutes with you and if you feel the doctor is a hurry, set it up at the beginning of the appointment and ask for a few minutes from the doctor to ask questions
- Ask about something the doctor said and you didn’t understand
- Questions about your diagnosis
- Questions that seem silly
- Questions about different test results you get

4. Learn about the human reproductive system. Know what each hormone does in your cycle. Know about the endometrium, the uterus, the fallopian tube, s***m etc.

5. Learn about why the treatment you are doing is the best one for you. If you are unclear ask, bring it up, speak your opinion.

6. Learn about how diet and lifestyle affect your and your spouses’ fertility.

7. Speak your mind- if you disagree with an opinion of the doctor, say it!

8. Research papers, blogs, books are your best friends! Read Up!

9. Join groups to learn more about treatments people are doing

10. Support yourself emotionally- Join a support group, seek help from a fertility coach. With so much going on, you need to make sure you are emotionally and psychologically in the best place possible. With overwhelm being such a natural happening when faced with infertility, year after year, its essential to seek support if needed.

As we go through infertility, we try to step a toe outside the whirlpool of infertility and reach out to someone who seems to live a relatively “normal” life, at least according to us. We want to be met with love, support, understanding and at times, with no words, just being held in a tight bear hug.

As we brave baring our hearts to our loved ones, we are met with replies (like the ones under) that make us retreat back, into the dark, sucky land of infertility.

Sadly, we become more and more selective about who we speak to about how we are coping and feeling and our "circle of solace" becomes smaller and smaller.

In our minds, we feel judged, chastised for something we should be doing differently and just plain misunderstood. A conversation of connection, understanding and comfort, makes one return inward instead of forming a bridge between two people creates a chasm.

A lot of us on the receiving end say, " why do people say this stuff, can’t they see its not helpful?"

Well, its mostly because, they don’t know what else to say. A lot of us are rather uncomfortable with intense, raw, honest emotion and we have been taught to laugh it away, add a positive spin to it, invalidate it.

Have you noticed adults soothe a child who has fallen and hurt themselves and is crying?

The child is shown a pretend air plane, distracted with funny sounds, told how s/he didn’t get a ‘boo boo” and its nothing, bribed with a sweetie and even told how brave children don’t cry. The child has now grown up and has learnt that big, bad emotions are not attended to or befriended.

So, when we share our disappointment, our sadness, our envy, our broken hearts with people, they show us what they have learnt about how pain has to be handled. With distraction, minimizing it, telling us we are brave, offering a quick fix solution even though it was never asked for, or saying, 'don't stress about it!'

I know, that even though, the words that I am given seem hollow when I am on the receiving end, I too am guilty of pawning them off when another's pain stares me in the face. Around someone losing their job,a friend talking about the end of their relationship, my nieces losing a race at school- I offer weak, tepid, disconnected placations.

So what do we do instead?
To begin with, start with yourself. For the next week, practice bearing witness with curiosity and no judgement to the pain you have. What are you feeling? What is the physical expression of this emotion in your own body. Validate your own sadness instead of judging it and making yourself wrong for it. Notice your envy and get to know it well.
Do this for yourself and then as you become better at it, begin to do it for others around you.

Hold a space that is strong enough to stay with your disappointments, sadness, tears, discarded needles, broken dreams, struggles as well as the yet to be fulfilled dreams, the joys, the faint line on the pregnancy test.

Lets get to know these well, so they don’t scare us and we can begin to create this safe space for ourselves and then, for those around us.