MsHyde

My birthday is on 23 July, and I have a simple wish.
I would love to have sold 100 copies of my books by then.

This is what I do for a living. I write the books. I do the education.

If my work has ever resonated with you, if you’ve learned something, or if something I’ve written has stayed with you, then this is one way you can support me.

My books are available on Payhip:
https://payhip.com/MsHyde

https://open.substack.com/pub/mshyde/p/what-are-men-actually-paying-for?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2653c9

What Are Men Actually Paying For When They Pay for “Masculinity”?

Last year, I wrote an article titled Toxic Masculinity in a Leather Jacket: The Alpha Male Myth, and seeing the way masculinity is still being packaged, sold, and paid for right now brought that piece straight back to mind. Despite all the conversations we have been having, and despite the push for more awareness and emotional intelligence, the same script is still being recycled. It is simply being marketed more effectively, dressed up more convincingly, and sold with even more certainty.

And clearly, people are buying it.

Not just watching it or reacting to it, but actively choosing to invest in it, which raises a question that feels more relevant now than it did then: what are men actually paying for when they pay for “masculinity”?

When men are paying for content that promises to teach them how to be men, they are not just buying information, they are buying certainty. They are buying a version of masculinity that feels clear, structured, and decisive in a world that often isn’t. It offers a script that tells them who to be, how to act, and what their place is, and there is something deeply appealing about that, especially when you feel unsure, overlooked, or like no one ever really showed you the blueprint.

The problem is that certainty is easy to sell, particularly when it is dressed up as power. What often gets sold under the banner of “masculinity” is not actually strength, but a performance. It is a rigid, narrow performance that centres control, emotional detachment, and dominance without responsibility, and this is where we need to be clear about what we mean when we talk about toxic masculinity, because the term gets misunderstood and misused far too often.

Toxic masculinity is not men being strong, ambitious, protective, or assertive. It is the version of masculinity that tells men they are only allowed to exist within a narrow emotional range, that vulnerability is weakness, and that expressing hurt, fear, or uncertainty makes them less of a man. It ties their worth to control, status, and how effectively they can dominate a situation or another person, while discouraging emotional accountability, replacing communication with control, and turning relationships into power struggles instead of shared experiences.

For a while, that can feel like confidence, but it does not hold up when real life demands more than performance. It does not build trust, it does not create safety, and it does not sustain connection, because the moment emotional depth is required, the performance starts to crack.

You begin to see how deeply this messaging runs when men are not only buying into these ideas, but are willing to physically change themselves in order to meet them. It moves beyond behaviour and into the body, reinforcing the belief that they are not enough as they are, and that their worth, desirability, and masculinity depend on meeting a very specific and often unrealistic standard.

Some of the so-called “solutions” being pushed are not just misleading, they are actively harmful. There are men being told they can enlarge themselves through methods that rely on repeated micro-injury, building up scar tissue in the process, and this is framed as improvement, as enhancement, as becoming “more of a man.” When you strip that back, what is actually being encouraged is harm in the name of validation, which says a lot about how powerful this messaging has become.

If this is something you are genuinely struggling with, then for the love of all that is holy, speak to a qualified medical professional rather than following advice from people who are quite literally selling insecurity as a business model. That distinction matters, because one is grounded in care and reality, while the other profits from keeping you convinced that you are not enough.

This is where the conversation about toxic masculinity becomes very real, because it is not just about behaviour or attitudes, but about the quiet, persistent belief that who you are, as you are, is somehow insufficient.

Healthy masculinity looks very different, and it is often quieter, which is probably why it does not trend in the same way. It is grounded, consistent, and accountable, allowing a man to be strong without being rigid and assertive without being controlling. It makes space for dominance, if that is part of his identity, while still fully respecting autonomy, consent, and mutual agency.

It also makes space for emotional honesty, which is where real strength begins to show. A healthy man can acknowledge when he has got something wrong without it threatening his identity, and he can sit with discomfort instead of immediately trying to control or avoid it. He does not need to prove his worth through conquest, validation, or performance, because he understands that real power is reflected in how he shows up, how he takes responsibility, and how he engages with the people in his life.

You see this kind of masculinity in men who lead without needing to dominate, who take accountability without defensiveness, and who remain steady without shutting down emotionally. Think of men like Keanu Reeves, who consistently shows quiet respect, humility, and grounded presence without needing to perform it, or Terry Crews, who speaks openly about vulnerability, growth, and accountability in a way that challenges outdated ideas of what strength looks like. You also see it in Pedro Pascal, who embraces emotional expression and softness without it diminishing his presence, and in voices like James Cappola, who speak directly to men about emotional responsibility and the internal work required to build something real rather than selling them a performance to hide behind.

Every day, another self-proclaimed dating “guru” appears, selling the idea of the “Alpha male,” and every time it is the same thing presented with a slightly different spin. It is not confidence, it is insecurity wrapped in bravado, relying on performance rather than substance.

A whole man does not need to declare himself Alpha, measure his worth by how many people he can impress or control, or feel threatened by strength in others. He meets strength, respects it, and stands in his own without needing to compete, because his sense of self is not built on comparison or domination.

What actually stands out is something far less performative and far more real. Emotional honesty allows a man to say that something hurt, that he is struggling, or that he needs support without shame, and that takes far more strength than silence ever will. Vulnerability is not weakness, it is presence, self-awareness, and the willingness to be seen without hiding behind a script.

The men who can do that are not buying masculinity, they are doing the work of living it, and that is the difference that matters.

So when men pay for “masculinity,” the real question is whether they are investing in a persona or whether they are willing to build something real, because those are two very different paths, and only one of them actually holds.

The Beyond Vanilla series has been coming along wonderfully.

The books are currently available on Payhip as PDFs.
Link in the comments

In the last 24 hours, one of my posts has crossed 30,000 views on Fetlife.
That’s… a lot to take in.

Had a conversation tonight that reminded me why certain dynamics feel off long before you can fully explain them.
This was the image that came to mind.

So, Facebook penalises you when you share someone else's post.

Another reason to rather be on Substack, they actually encourages you to share other members' work.

As of Friday, it is adios to Facebook and Instagram. The censorship on these platforms has become ridiculous.

I will be on Substack and Fetlife.

I’ve made the decision to step away from Facebook.

The ongoing recommendation restrictions have made it difficult to share my work in a consistent and meaningful way, and I’m no longer willing to build on a platform that limits visibility without clarity.

If you’d like to continue following my work, you can find me on FetLife and Substack, where I’m able to write and engage more freely.

Thank you to everyone who has supported, read, and engaged here — it hasn’t gone unnoticed.

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Boundaries Are Not Buzzkills: They're Safety Rails Day 101 of 365 Days of B**M

Not sure how much longer my page will be available as there are constantly issues.

Please go and follow me on Substack where they don’t clutch their pearls😉