09/12/2022
The metaphor is this:
If you find yourself asking “Well, what am I supposed to do when my kid throws things/hits me/gets mad/screams?” over and over and over, start reflecting. Is there a pattern of any kind? Is there a precursor of any kind?
(I’ve had parents look straight at me and tell me “No, it’s completely random. There is no pattern or trigger.” Hint: they’ve never been right.)
“Go upstream” is an easy shorthand for, “Look into the issue, look into what came BEFORE the issue, and figure out how to solve it.” You might solve it by teaching the kid a new skill; you might solve it by creating an accommodation or changing the environment. You cannot solve it by making the kid feel badly for how they behaved when they had fallen into a river.
[Image description: A white background with black text which reads, "We need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they're falling in. -Desmond Tutu”]
