The 59th Year

Boy, am I out of it - I'm a week ahead of time. Today would have been Alan's 75th birthday! I guess that is what happens when one is focusing on helping others heal from dying and death. Bet Al is having a HUGE laugh at my expense!

Ode to Big Al Lesniewicz

It was 15 years ago, about this time
Sleepily, I kissed you as the clock chimed
Bundled, out the door you left
Seven hours later... I was bereft

2:22, I remember so well
We had just finished chatting on the cell
Thankfully, we had said all that needed to be said
I had no clue that you'd soon be dead

I knew right then, that you had to leave
Many misunderstood how I grieved
We had agreed that life goes on
That I should find love, face living head-on

Through the ups and downs of the past years
I've laughed, I'm smiled, I've shed many tears
I remember, I'll will never forget
Our life was a dance, a whirlwind duet
Yes, living goes on for those of us physical
The twists in the road are often so quizzical
If we are willing to grow, to learn, to love
The gifts we receive are from heaven above
Sure, I may miss your physical touch
Yet love is a force that one cannot clutch
Caring as you do from your place in the sky
You were determined to send a truly great guy

I must thank you for your intervention
You sent me a new love with great intention
Life does go, the dance persists
I live, I love, I did not resist
And, so on this anniversary of your passing
My heart still sings, because love is everlasting

Gosh - it is hard to believe that I haven't posted here in 4+ months. Life has been busy - the events that have happened since the last post:
October - remodeled the kitchen in TWO WEEKS - painting, new cabinets, new sink, new appliances, new floor. The handyman said it couldn't be done. But it was. Mom, certainly had a hand in it when the flooring company backed out, the cabinets were miss measured, the wall cabinets fell on the stove - destroying it. But, still, we pulled it off in 14 days!
Halloween - Her favorite time of year. Was quiet, left out candy. She visited and made a bit of a ruckus! There was no doubt she came by to say 'hello'
November - her birthday - day of the dead - inspired me to discover how I am supposed to show up for the rest of my time and move forward, how to serve; Realized that I want to work with people in the death and dying arena - but where to start? I have always, always known I am here to serve, to be support for others, to help them discover themselves and to grow.
Thanksgiving - planned on a family dinner with Chuck's son and his family - but COVID struck and we decided to not have it. So, punted and had an impromptu Thanksgiving. First time in 40 years NOT having sweet potatoes drenched in sugar, sugar, sugar (not that I ever ate them). Remembered mom - her baby urn on the table. (Kinda relates since I always called her baby mom) Also a day of remembering Grandpa - he crossed over 38 years ago last Thanksgiving. I sorta spent the time replaying that day in my head from 7a until the time he passed at 3p. He came to visit too. And, only one week until my birthday!
December - I became a QUEENAGER - the big 60! Yet, I don't feel that age at all. Preparing for our cruise for New Years - new year, new beginnings.
Discovered what I want to do - End of Life Planning Facilitator and Grief Transformational Coach. What the heck is THAT??
Well, I want to demystify and assist others in coming to terms with what we all MUST go through - dying. There is this huge range of thought and feeling around dying and it is extreme. Morbid, horror, hidden, fear-ridden on one end and airy-fairy spiritual euphemisms on the other - with little reality between the two. No one wants to talk about the elephant in the room, but it exists, every day in our physical lives. The more we ignore it, the bigger it gets until we are so overwhelmed that we are paralyzed.
No More! My vision is to help as many people as possible come to a reassuring understanding of what the end of one's life looks like and make conscious decisions for themselves, their families, their loved ones. (OOH, mom liked that line, the lights are flickering.)
Ok, December...
Christmas - has always been challenging. One would think that I'd LOVE Christmas and as a wee child, I did. I loved the thought of miracles, Christmas miracles and prayer for one each year. It always centered around a miracle for mom - money, peace, happiness. Sure I wanted some things - but my focus always on a miracle for mom to be happy... don't recall it ever coming true, tho or not for more than a day or two.
Didn't have Christmas dinner - too busy trying to get out of Chicago and to Ft Lauderdale for our cruise. We DROVE there, at the last minute - but, we MADE IT and I'm glad we chose to do so.

January - NYE was nice, dressed up. Won 17,500. Drove back, won another 3K. Chuck and I both came down with COVID. So, so, so glad that we had ALL the vaxes. Uncomfortable but not horrible.

Started my classes - End of Life Facilitator and Grief Transformational Coach - both of which I am thrilled to be doing. I have to do some practices for my certifications, so I'll be offering sessions for a significant discount through the middle of March.
Opened my new business -Joyfully Embrace Change. Starting writing my book - Empowered by Grief

Been quite busy - but not so busy to forget to ground, center and be with Spirit through my journey of growing through my grief.

I will be winding this page down for it has served its purpose. However, I will post a few more updates as I move forward with my service and let you know what is going on. If you are so inclined to help me out and learn about end of life planning, I'd appreciate it. I'm developing some free handouts with an hour long session to direct you on steps to consider and take to have your own way of handling the all important steps at the end of your life. DM me if interested or call/text me. All on this page, have my number.

Well, that brings you all up to date - there were a LOT more things but this is the big stuff.

Thank you for all your love, support, energy, prayers and care. I truly, truly appreciate you all for staying this long with me.

Having felt so sad about National Daughter's Day, I didn't know how to come to peace.

I SOOOOO believe in the Creator and that synchronistic events happen.

Chuck sends me a text each morning and often a meme. Usually, it is one that says 'good morning' with something that dances or moves.

We've also been preparing for a cruise at the end of the year and discovered a game called 'cruising ducks' - which we've been reading about.

This morning, the meme was of a dancing duck with Good Morning across the top. I clicked on it to expand and, OMG! The words at the bottom:

"I love you baby girl!!!"

I burst into tears.

He had not seen that because it was so small - but, he was the instrument of a message from her to me.

I love you baby, mom.

What are the odds of him picking such a meme? Especially, when I was so sad about daughter's day yesterday? What are the odds?

My mom was not on social media
She never knew about different 'days' unless it was mentioned on TV or if I told her in advance of them.
Yesterday was National Daughter Day
I felt quite sad about it, tho, it never bothered me before.
I know that if she knew, she would have said 'Happy Daughter's Day' to me.
I just remembered, that *I* was the mom - so, mom, Happy Daugher's Day to you! Love you baby mom... sooo much.

Yesterday, I finally found the courage to go to mom's house and start... cleaning? Remembering? Keeping? Tossing?
I dunno...
90 min was my limit.
Chuck said, we'll start bringing it home and you can sort there.
That's a LOT of work and, while he has suggested this before, I was really reluctant to do it. Yet, if I can only manage 90 min (and that wasn't even actually sorting ANYTHING) it is gonna take two lifetimes to get anywhere...
And, so he brought over 20 boxes back with us.
He mentioned that his 'goal' for me was to go through them all within the week, so we could do the same thing next weekend, and so on, until we had the basement cleaned out.
It's good to have goals, and I'm not quite ready to make some of them. To 'humor' him, I said, 'ok, 90 min today and each day this week when I can' I had already made a set of criteria and that helped a lot. I'd have to keep the house, just to keep the stuff and that isn't going to happen.
He left and that was good too. He struggles with some of my emotions only because I am LOUD. I realize how difficult it can be to hear someone you love so much, hurt so much and cannot do anything about it - and, he is a do-er.
Well, I pat myself on the back - I went through ALL 20 boxes, sorted, offered on FB and packed items for donation and auction YESTERDAY! I am so proud of myself.
I kept one bag of craft supplies, items that I had made and given to her and five trinkets from all that stuff. While I grieved and hurt, I also know that it has started the healing process some more. I yelled at her, I cried about her, I questioned her and then came to peace about it all.
Weeks of this... I know are ahead of me, but, at least, I started.

It's been three weeks since the Celebration. Mom visits. Last week she was super active with the lights in the kitchen. Around the same time, about 9pm. They flicker on and off and it is like a disco in here! The little lights on the ceiling show up in the morning. I say 'hi mom'. A few things that we talked about getting done - mundane things, stuff that was frustrating - like our phones. We had Great Call by Lively (BTW, NEVER GET THIS SERVICE - it was horrible.)

Finally went to get a new phone for me. WOW the difference in a few days. I'm setting it and using it - thinking 'mom, if you'd have only let me do this change you would have enjoyed your phone. You could have HEARD it... I sigh, I cry.

I texted her from my new phone - don't know why. I know her number is not active. I don't know what I expected to happen. If it bounced back, it would confirm she is not here. If I got a reply...

radio silence - which is something I didn't expect - so, maybe a sign that all is just 'well'

stop tempting the spirits, Cherise! LOL

We finished the bathrooms, sorta...
Chuck did an amazing job.
When he finished with her bathroom... I cried. It is so beautiful and neat and clean. She would have kinda liked it
Why?
I took out all the storage space and am slowly putting some things back. She'd have never been able to hide all her stuff. Yet, it would have been so much easier on her without all the clutter in there.

Like a DOZEN rolls of TP -
Or five bottles of hand soap
Or six bottles of half opened Tylenol
Or...
Countless multiples of items.
And, I HAVE plenty of storage for this stuff in the laundry room.

But, the 'best' discovery of her shopping and hoarding was yesterday
Over 40 pairs of sunglasses! Many are the same ones that she kept buying over and over again. I have no clue why.

Chuck brought them home in a gallon bag and just showed them to me.
I lost it - crying, yelling,
Why, mom, WHY?

I can't even begin to fathom this. And, the sunglasses (like everything else, I suspect) have a story.

We'd go out, she'd have sunglasses. We would come home and she couldn't find them. Then, there would be crisis!!! Both Al and Chuck would go out to car, search all over and never find them. In the meantime, I'd be 'mom, they're in your purse.' No, Cherise they are not in my purse. (Now, I swear she had a purse like Debbie Reynolds had in the Halloween Town movies... bottomless.)

And, they'd come in - no sunglasses.

Mom, they HAVE to be either in your purse or stuffed in the sofa.

Then, we'd tear apart the sofa - no sunglasses.

More drama.

A hour later, she would sheepishly say 'found them' and giggle a girlish giggle. She though it so funny. And, me, I'd be near incandescent at this point, having dug through sofas, chairs, cars, garbage...

No, mom, it isn't funny.

So, I guess my 'losing' it - finally - after YEARS of the endless search for sunglasses has some merit. Bitter sweet - I can FINALLY say to her ENOUGH with the sunglasses already.

Yes, I kept a dozen. I'll wear them now - and if they get lost or broken or... it will be fine.

Well, mom is certainly having fun! Gambling... really - really - really

In the past three days... I finally got through a lot of emotional gunk after her Celebration. I had a fantastic experience with the Mark Anthony the Psychic Explorer - salon Saturday evening. Normally it is advised that trying to connect with someone who recently crossed is very difficult and one should wait at least six months.

However, in this case, my mother's natural impatience was pushing me to get in touch. Amazingly, an opening just 'appeared' a few weeks ago and I didn't sign up when I got the email. Then I went back a day later and it was sold out. I was sad, but since I truly believe in 'perfect' timing - I figured I wasn't ready. Then a few days later, and WOW there was an opening, so, yep, I signed up.

Because I understand about how grief blocks what we most want - connection - I've been really working (REALLY) the issues in the moment (or near) moment they show up.

I talk to her, but, more importantly, I LISTEN and the insights, the healing, the tears, all of it is good. I did a number of things to prepare and make my emotional and spiritual energy inviting before the call. And, I let go of having HER show up. I got to the point that if anyone showed up - I'd be ok. BOY did my loved ones show up! Phenomenal. If you're interested in reading more on this aspect - shoot me message here.

Back to gambling... mom had left a 'gambling' envelope. One she always used to store her 'seed' money and before she crossed she told me I could ONLY use it to gamble. At the time, I was, ya, mom - you'll go again soon. Ya, mom, I promise. Ya mom, I'll take you with me.

So, I think I shared the 5K win at the end of last month.

Friday, Chuck said, you've really been struggling this week with work, the bathroom remodel, grieving - let's go to the casino. (Aside, I usually do well when I've been stressed all week - or at least break even and he knows this.)

So, we go, Chuck has a little necklace with mom in it. I hadn't opened that box yet. However, I did bring Petals and Wolfee - she always loved when I'd take those animals into the casino. (So, if you ever see a lady with a purple wheelie and a Wolf and a Bear in her walker - that is me.) It's amazing how often seeing those two stuffed animals at the casino creates such joyous chaos as people want to touch them, pet them and talk to them!)

Anywho... I played a few machines and then I 'heard' her say - go to MY machines. (She always thought she owned certain machines!) So, off I went to the row she'd play. Played the first one... even. Played the second one...even.

Well, I prefer playing two machines at a time. I 'heard' play the last two on the row' Now, just because she left the money to gamble, I don't want to blow it all either. But, the 'voice' was louder. OK, mom.

I sat down and one of the machines, just kept hitting. 1k, 500, 500, 1k, 500. Now realize, I am playing dollar machines at $9 a spin so while these are great - I'm still spending money. Then, in succession - 1K, 1K, 1K, JACKPOT ($1500) - when it was paid off, I said ok, mom, THAT was what you wanted. Got it. Cashed in 5K again.

But wait, there's more...

So, Sunday, it was mom again. "Boy, wasn't that so FUN baby girl. I want to go again."

I'm like MOM! So, soon. I've got THINGS (for YOU) to do today.

But, no... (this is just soooo mom.) I want to go now!

After an HOUR and a HALF of going back and forth in my head with her - OK! We'll go already.

Pile animals, wheelie, me in the car (God LOVE Chuck.) We're off. As we're driving, I'm talking to her - hey, mom, while I like YOUR machines, I want to win on machines that I like. So, if you're really around - let me find machines that I would enjoy too. The first 1-1/2 hours were pretty dismal. I was sad. But, since I was up from last month and Friday, it was ok.

I sat at a machine and just meditated for a bit. (Yes, you CAN meditate with slot machines ringing in your ear, being bumped into because people don't watch where they're going or they keep asking you questions or wanting to pet your 'dog' - no, mister, he's a wolf!...)

I got a 'nudge' - go down this aisle and you'll find machines you like. I go, I find a machine I'd really like to play - a couple is playing it. ;(

So I go around the other side - two machines that look 'interesting'. Sit down, put some money - $750 on second spin, other machine $500 on the tenth spin. Keep playing, have recovered from the previous two hours.

Ok, mom, we're supposed to go in 30 min. Now, as LOUD as possible, I hear her - OTHER SIDE NOW.

The couple had left. I sat down at the machine I really wanted to play - put a C-note in the two machines. They were playing ok - not winning, per se, not losing. But having fun - then I hear - just deep breathes, baby girl, deep breaths.

Ok, mom...

Then, ding, ding, ding - in my head - she ALWAYS said ding, ding, ding when she wanted to go or when she wanted a jackpot.

And, there it was - 3,100 jackpot and the other machine a $1000 jackpot at the same time.

Now, I've had many handpays (over 1200) and have had my picture taken with jackpots a dozen times or more (usually with Chuck and Wolfee) But, these few days - wow - Unfortunately, Hard Rock doesn't take pics unless it is at least 5K.

Yet, these past four jackpots in the last two weeks...

Ok, mom, I PROMISE the next time you want to go ding, ding, ding - I'll listen sooner.

I love you baby mom.

Today August 7 2022
Celebration of Life for Bernie Greski
1-3 Celebration; 3-5 visiting & refreshments
4001 Roosevelt Road, Westchester - Hursen's Funeral Home

so hard... so tough...

Thursday evening, I really 'buckled' down about creating her Celebration program

After 12 hours, at 3am, I decided I was too tired to go on.

Writing about her (or anyone) is easy AND hard, depending on the circumstances.

As word is getting around at UIC, I am receiving lovely notes from her former colleagues - all the people, the children, the communities she served.

Oh, MAMA - if you only realized how valued and loved you really are. How so many lives have been positively impacted by your care, commitment, sharing...

We never know our impact, how the smallest thing can make a difference.

My legacy will never match yours... and I don't care if it does.

Going through pictures for tomorrow, I forgot to remember all the events, the parties, the trips, MBRB and research at UIC buildings, Credit Union 1 buildout, the Atkins Garden at Pharmacy, the list is endless. The moments, the crises, the drama, the laughter, the triumphs and the joys.

She dressed as a clown for the children's wing at the UI hospital, gave toys during xmas parties, sponsored egg hunts, painted faces, applied tattoos.

She worked in the neighborhood ward office, started block clubs in the 60's, defended the rights of non-white neighbors, got shot at for standing up when MLK was in Chicago.

The turbulent decades, the changes in society she was directly a part of.

Just memories...

When the spirit is determined...

The lights have reappeared for the past two mornings and the beads that Chuck and I thought were causing them - well, they have been moved, the curtain moved and still they appeared.

One over her chair and a dozen or more over my head.

So much for science and logic - right? Mom ya got me! LOL

I finally surrendered to the inevitable - sorting through pictures and writing the program/celebration/remembrance for Sunday.

When I've done this in the past, I've had maybe three days to write this. Here, I've had a month and...

It isn't that words fail me, it is that there are just soooo many of them. How to sort, to organize, to contain 78 YEARS into 45 min/hour? I've known her 60 of those years, 55 where I really remember.

I look at a picture and think - THERE is something to share, then another picture and another THERE is something to share... and on it goes.

I was focused on one thing her last few weeks - COMFORT - but it wasn't just the physical aspect; it was the spiritual as well.

When I create these celebrations/eulogies, I always wish to capture the essence of who I talk about. I always want to bring comfort to the others in the room, to touch their hearts, their souls with the love of the person I am speaking about. To share Spirit in a way that brings peace and joy amidst the loss and sorrow.

This is 'supposed' to be a celebration, damn it!

Interestingly, I haven't cried - yet - but then I realize I haven't written much about her for Sunday. I've written three different things already and cried during each of them. Maybe I'm numb at this point. And, I am getting quite creative with it. Music, prayer, smudging - all things she would love. All pieces that are HER in so many ways.

The picture I selected for the cover is one she'd love. It is playful and light-hearted and she looks so happy. (She was, she had just won a Halloween costume contest grand prize for $200!) Her eyes were sparkling, she looked so beautiful.

Ok, now, I'm crying...

Mom, I'm gonna give you the best, most creative, most uplifting celebration I can think of... while I cry over my keyboard till morning.

I love you baby mom...

In my mind and heart I hear her lilting voice... I love you, baby girl.