02/21/2025
I learned something recently. I used to think that hurt feelings resulted from someone doing a bad thing. Now I know the truth: You can do everything right, nothing wrong, and still hurt the ones with whom you are in relationship. (How is this even fair?!) And if this is true of course it works the other way as well: It’s very possible (and probable) that you will be hurt by people who have done nothing wrong. (What? I'm really hurt! How can it be possible that you did nothing wrong?!) This blew my mind. Did you already know this? Or are you skeptical? I'm curious.
One more thing. I think understanding this is the key to sustaining deep intimacy in long term relationships. Let me explain how this is useful. When your lover comes to you with their hurt feelings, remembering you did nothing wrong will free you to be with them in their pain, instead of defending yourself. In other words, it will allow you to be empathetic instead of defensive. And, when you feel hurt, remembering that your partner did nothing wrong will focus your words to your partner on your reactions, your feelings, your needs. In other words, it will allow you to be vulnerable instead of attacking. Try it. And let me know what happens.