Shaker Boys

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6iyKGKcTxE

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DEAR DIARY....HELLO FROM TEXAS!

Dear Diary,
Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
　
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
　
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
　
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
　
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
　
July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Sh*ts. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
　
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
　
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $425,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
　
Aug. 4th:
Its 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $1500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
　
Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
　
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
　
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do s**t for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
　
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus is dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $2,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group.

A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the Vaccination Center, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.

When he got home, he called the Vaccination Center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the Vaccination Center immediately and pick up his glasses.

The Shaker Boy calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The Shaker Boy turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

SHAKER BOY: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
SHAKER BOY:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
SHAKER BOY:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
SHAKER BOY:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
SHAKER BOY:
OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
SHAKER BOY:
What? I detest vegetable!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
SHAKER BOY:
How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
SHAKER BOY:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
SHAKER BOY:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
SHAKER BOY:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
SHAKER BOY:
I have other sources of cash
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
SHAKER BOY:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
SHAKER BOY:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

This morning one of the residents at the assisted living center didn’t show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was ok. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn’t arrived, so she went back up towards his room but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.

I’m sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house before they know all the facts.

AND
'OLD' IS WHEN......
You are not sure these are jokes.

'OLD' IS WHEN.......
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN......
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.