Gretchen Shanks Coaching

I’ve been struggling to write posts sharing about my upcoming free challenge – what it is, why I’m doing it, why I think you might wanna join me.
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[The challenge, in a nutshell, is to take intentional time each day for 21 days for a practice that fuels you, something that you’ve fallen out of the habit of doing as often as you’d like.]
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Part of it is that my adhd is in full swing – I have got massive squirrel syndrome going on right now. Each time my brain alights on another – completely unrelated to what I’m currently trying to do – thought, I’m off on that tangent until I can drag my attention back to the task at hand. IF I manage to do it.
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I mean, how much this has been happening lately is evidence of how much I need to get back to a practice that helps settle me into my body while simultaneously giving me a boost in energy.
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And yet…every time I’ve sat down lately to write about it, I feel nervous energy and struggle to settle enough to access what I feel called to write about. I’ve probably started today’s post in half a dozen different ways, at least. Each one I’ve scratched, realizing it felt performative rather than authentic.
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All the while, this nervous energy that’s settled into my stomach.
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It’s just hit me – this is the first time since I’ve returned to writing content again after an almost two and a half year break that I’m writing to pitch something, to invite you into an experience with me.
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I dropped off of social media after falling into a deep shame spiral for how hard I was struggling to get my coaching business to a state of thriving rather than surviving.
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My overriding somatic memory of the last time I was really active on FB was of desperately trying to sell my services, launching and pitching in different ways, driven less by my passion for the work and more for the need to earn money.
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Telling myself with every package or service not sold that it’s yet more evidence that I’m just not good enough. And in my psyche, if I’m not excelling then I have no business taking up space. Hence, the dropping off of posting content.
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Now I’m back. In the two months I’ve been posting again, I haven’t really been pitching or selling anything. I’ve focused on storytelling and sharing more of the truth of myself. Challenging in its own right, for sure.
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I thought offering the challenge would be a no biggie, because I’m not trying to sell it. It’s something I’m doing for myself and I thought others might want to join me. That, and after the powerful experience I had in the recent writing challenge, I selfishly want more community connection. I want to be in this with others so we can support each other to get back to doing the thing we know we want for ourselves but for whatever reason are finding it hard to do.
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While it’s a freebie and I thought therefore it meant it wasn’t the same as selling a service, my body and my heart feel otherwise.
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It feels good to make that connection and to give voice it. That should start to lessen its impact.
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And I know, as I continue to show up for myself again – this time by intentionally making space for my self-pleasure practice over the course of my upcoming challenge – that will also resource me to keep moving through the discomfort as I step into greater visibility for my business.
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If this resonates at all for you and there’s something you know ultimately feeds you but you’re having trouble starting or getting back to, then definitely join me in this experiment.
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It starts November 1st. Goes for 21 days. And it’s free.
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Invite your friends who might not be seeing this. As we head into the chaotic holiday season, we could all use the greater resourcing that comes from showing up for ourselves more.
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Send me a DM or drop a note below if you’re interested/curious and I’ll connect you with all the info.

I feel really scattered right now.
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Around six months ago I started a deep dive into some personal growth work as one means to reinvest and recommit to my coaching work – yes, that growth work is about far more than my business, but at this stage it’s also central to reestablishing my coaching practice.
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Part of what this has done for me has given me the space and the emotional resiliency to be more intentional about my time spent on my coaching work even as I, by necessity, must split my time between my coaching business, the woodworking biz I co-own with my nesting partner, the side gig that’s helping us make ends meet, frequently managing and balancing our finances to make sure all the bills get paid (it takes A LOT more time to manage $ when you don’t have any – super fcking ironic), and managing finances and related things for my dad’s care before he passed. And doing all of this while riding the emotional waves of being in financial survival mode.
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And it was working. I could feel internal shifts happening. I felt grounded in the steps I was taking for my coaching work, even as I did some things that were edgy for me.
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One of the ways I knew it was working for me is that my creativity opened back up – rather than my mental energy being used up spinning out over not doing the most basic of things (and beating myself up for it), I started getting s**t done. And with each step I took, I began to see other paths of possibility, other things I can do (both can do and am excited to do) to market my business.
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Then September and October hit, and all the plates I’ve been precariously balancing started spinning a bit out of control, and I found myself once again far more in response/put the next fire out mode and far less intentional in how I spent my time.
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On Sunday I got back from attending my dad’s funeral in KY. I gave myself Monday for rest and some physical recovery. Tuesday I dove back into coaching work – and am so fcking proud of myself for how I moved through some initial overwhelm and went on to get some really good stuff done. Then the last couple of days have been largely consumed by work woodshop work.
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In fact, we just took a big step for our woodshop business – we did an in-person interview today at Pike Place Market to be one of their craft vendors. This would be huge for us, and we’re SO excited for the possibilities.
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And now that the interview is behind us, I can shift back to a focus on coaching, which is what I’m trying to do now. But after almost two months of going from one thing to the next as each individual need has popped up – all while still showing up for my coaching business (and not dropping it – HUGE win for me!), my brain and my nervous system is feeling a bit unsettled.
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But after writing it all out like that, I have a lot more compassion for myself – of course I’m feeling unsettled and scattered after the last two months I’ve had.
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I think what this is signaling to me is that I’m nearing a capacity limit in this moment, and I need to find some ways to slow down and recharge.
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And one of those ways – one that will help refuel me for the longer term – will be making time for a daily practice that nourishes me. When I’m not finding consistent ways to show up for myself in the ways that fuel me, that’s when I struggle the most with my capacity limits.
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Another reason I’m so excited for the upcoming challenge I’ve set for myself – taking the first 21 days of November to prioritize making time each day for self-pleasure. ​ I used to do it on the daily and it nourished me in so many different ways. I’ve long been out of the habit and I can feel how I’m not as grounded, not as connected to my turn on, not as connected to my creativity and aliveness as I used to be. And I so want to get back to that. Hence the challenge I’ve created.
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And I’d love to do this challenge with others – what’s something you used to do just for yourself that lit you up, grounded you, helped you feel connected to yourself and what matters most to you? Do you want to get back to that? If so, I’d love for you to join me in this challenge.
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I’ve named it the Reclaim & Reconnect challenge. You can learn all about it at the 🔗 below.

I’m celebrating myself today – this post marks 30 new pieces of writing since I started Jen Underwood’s Content Alchemy writing challenge. I fu***ng did it!
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(And I’m giving myself extra credit – I was always an A student – because I actually wrote and posted two new pieces before the challenge officially started, so really this is post #32!)
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Before this writing challenge and the masterclass Jen led that kicked it off, I had all but disappeared from social media and I had completely dropped out of it in terms of my coaching business. I hadn’t written anything new for almost two and a half years.
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I’d tried multiple times to get back into it. As I look at my posting history (which I diligently track in an AirTable because I’m a geek that way), I can see the times when I earnestly meant to get back into it. Those times – November of 2023 and January of 2024 – I gave myself permission to start by repurposing past content. My thinking was, I just need some help getting over the initial reluctance of posting and being seen on social media again. That must be what’s blocking me from writing new stuff, so I’ll start by pushing out some of my favorite pieces first. Once I’m on a roll with that, this reluctance I have to be seen again on SM will no longer be a thing.
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At other times, I never posted anything, but I tried to journal or mindset my way to the other side of my block. Maybe if I unpack what’s happening for me and decide I’m going to show up differently and future brag about all the great posts I’m going to write, the words will flow again.
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Only, those things never worked.
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I had fallen into a familiar pattern of trying to do everything on my own, to solve all of my own problems rather than seeking support.
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The truth was, I was too deep in my shame about what pulled me away from social media in the first place – an intense feeling of failure because I was still struggling to make a financial go of it as a coach. And once I was away from it, the hurdle of starting again got bigger the further away from the regular practice of it I got. And the shame I felt about my inability to get back to it only magnified that hurdle. It was a vicious circle.
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Somewhere along the line I finally admitted to myself that my emotional patterns – what I lovingly refer to as my s**t – was what was getting in the way.
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That I couldn’t think my way through it or mindset journal my way to the other side of it.
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And that I couldn’t find my way through on my own. That I needed help.
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It took me a while to source that help – because I needed more than only the loving care and words of my partners or friends – and eventually I found my way into Jen’s Emotional Leadership program. That got me back into structured spaces looking at my wounds and self-protective strategies and gave me some safe experiences of being seen by others as I gave voice to my pain and my struggles.
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I started to rewrite the story that I’m somehow this colossal failure and therefore unworthy of love or getting hired again because I haven’t mastered the marketing and business side of coaching.
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And through the unique blend of methods used in this program (along with some things she’s offered in a quarterly course series she’s doing this year) I started to unfreeze. I had been surviving in a state of functional freeze for…I have no idea how long, but at least for the two and a half years I wasn’t posting, and likely longer.
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It’s impossible to access the sense of safety I needed to start taking real action again while I was spending most of my time in that freeze state. Only you wouldn’t know it to look at me because I was still getting the bare minimum done to survive – hence the term, functional freeze.
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I’m not done unwinding what led me to live that time in a state of freeze, but I can feel the thaw happening, and it feels real and solid – and not something I’m bypassing my way to the other side of and calling myself healthy. ​
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(Side note: I know how true this is because of how my body just reacted when I wrote it – I released tears of relief and a deep sigh.)
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Back to my story…when Jen started promoting the masterclass that was the lead-in to her Content Alchemy program, I knew immediately that this was my moment.
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Between the guidance she gave on how to write from an authentic place, being in it with a group of like-minded folks, having a place to share struggles and to get support around them, and the structure of a 45-day challenge with the added dopamine hit of prizes to aim for …. It worked magic for me.
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I’m so fcking proud of myself and what I’ve shared over these past two months. And I can’t wait to keep going.

I’ve been trying to write a post about why people should work with me – not why in terms of the transformations they’ll experience (I posted something along those lines yesterday – that was easy), but why they should work with ME.
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It’s been fcking hard, harder than I feel it should be.
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I tried journaling on it. Sometimes writing things pen to paper with no thought to structure or anything else helps free the thoughts. Not this time.
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I sat in silence, trying to settle more into my body and give space for the words to swirl and take shape. This sometimes helps me find the starting point to a post. Not this time.
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Time dragged and I only got more frustrated and even further from being able to write the post.
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Then I got all up in my head about it – I must suck as a coach if I can’t articulate even one whole ass reason I’m the person you want to work with. Except, I know that’s not how that works.
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I have a memory from childhood, one that my brain sometimes pulls up for no apparent reason, one that usually gives me the warm fuzzies…like, aww, I was SO sweet. I mean I was, but…
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I was maybe 10 or so, at a friend’s birthday party. It was the moment when the birthday girl was going to open her presents. They were arrayed in front of her, and she was trying to decide who’s to open first. Lots of the girls were clamoring for her to open theirs. I wasn’t one of them, and instead said something like – I’m okay if you wait to open mine, you should open whichever one you want. That got her attention, and she opened mine first.
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It's a memory of me being self-effacing and humble and rewarded for it (in this weird way that at the age of 10 having your gift opened first is a reward).
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This moment – and countless other times and ways this culture has socialized me as a female to be humble and stay quiet – taught me that playing it small is not only safest but brings good things.
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Except, it doesn’t really, not when you’re so humble and quiet as to make yourself all but disappear. That’s what I’ve been doing. It’s what I default to when I’m feeling even a little unsteady or uncertain or am low on internal resources.
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The thing is, you can own your awesomeness, your uniqueness, and your gifts without getting lost in an overinflated ego. And you can do so without denying someone else what’s awesome about them. (Somewhere in the darkest corners of my as***le brain, I’ve got this scarcity mindset that says if I shout about how great I am, that means I’m saying others aren’t or can’t also be. Except that’s bullsht.)
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And if people hearing you own your greatness makes them feel small, that’s something for them to look at, not for you to fix by playing even smaller.
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So why should people work with ME?
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🔥 I get it because I’ve lived it. I get the struggles with dating and flirting and body image and feelings of shame and not-enoughness and uncertainty when it comes to sx and relating intimately with others. In my 40s I found my way through those struggles to an authentic expression and experience of my er0tic self, and I can do the same for you.
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🔥 I’m never giving up on what you want. I’m stubborn about going after what I want for myself, and I bring that same tenacity to the vision you hold for yourself.
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🔥 I’m grounded and calm and feel safe and easy to talk to. I make it easy for you to share things about yourself and your secksuality you may never have shared with anyone.
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🔥 I’m q***r, kinky, and non-monogamous but don’t need you to be. My mission is to help you connect with your authentic sxual and relational self so you can live your best life. And if you happen to think you might be some version of q***r, kinky, and/or non-monogamous but don’t know how to let yourself have that, I’ve got you. I’ve navigated that path and will hold you in finding your true expression of it.
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🔥 I’m a recovering Catholic – born and raised in the church and attended Catholic schools from 1st grade through college. ​ I will be in it with you, deconstructing all the messages around self-pleasuring, sx, and relating you’ve received since childhood to find the way of being that most lights you up.
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🔥 And finally (not really the last one ‘cause there’s so much more that makes me great at this work but I do need to end this post sometime) – I’ve attended all kinds of public and private play parties of various sorts and am an awesome guide for those wanting to step into those spaces for the first time.
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What makes you awesome? Drop a comment and take up space with me.

There is no age at which you're past the point of creating a phenomenal sx life

I used to think I had an issue with commitment. 
 
For so many years I had a vague unease at the notion of a committed relationship. I both wanted it – the intimacy, the security, and the regular secks…but I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of forever.  
 
I was highly skeptical that I could stay attached to just one person…indefinitely. 
 
But that’s what it means to be committed to someone, right? It’s just you and that person. Sure, you have friends, but all the important stuff is saved for your “better half”. They’re your best friend, your confidante, your lover, your partner. 
 
Even just writing that, I can feel my stomach clench and my breath get a little shallow.  
 
It was this unease I felt years ago whenever I fantasized about finally experiencing a long-term relationship. For the longest time I thought that meant I had a problem with commitment, that there was an inherent flaw in my personality. That I was destined to always be alone because of it, or that I would have to force myself to get over it. 
 
This is So. Not. True. It’s one of the biggest relationship myths we have. And if it doesn’t happen to align with your own internal wiring and authentic self-expression, then it can cause a lot of pain and discomfort. 
 
It wasn’t until I worked with an intimacy coach and got introduced to the idea that there are so many other ways of relating, that I finally let go of the fear that I was somehow not cut out for a relationship. And, I found the style of relating that does work for me – polyamory – while being supported in figuring out how to navigate it in integrity. 
 
I now work with clients struggling with similar questions. Through our work they connect to what’s true for them. They learn how to disentangle the voice inside their head that says the myth MUST be true, from their inner knowing about what their heart really wants.  
 
Have you been trying to figure out what your heart really wants? Or maybe you know and are having trouble navigating it. If so, grab one of my Tune In & Turn On Intensives to get 2 weeks of support from me to work through whatever is holding you back. 
 
Details at the link in bio.

I’ve been thinking about body shame lately. I’ve put on some weight and have not been loving how I feel in my body. These days I usually love the way I look, and I worked really hard to get to that point. But sometimes I still struggle.  
  
I'm reminded of this quote from Sonya Renee Taylor's The Body Is Not an Apology:  
  
“I am not simply proposing that you make peace with your body because your body shame is making you miserable. I am proposing you do it because it’s making us miserable too...Your teenager is wondering if they, too, will be obligated to hate their body because they see you hating theirs.”   
  
I have few photos of my mom. In fact, years after her death, the only ones I have with me are one of her as a 4-year-old and one of the two of us taken when I was just out of college. I’m hugging her from behind while she’s sitting at a table. It’s a poorly framed photo, one my sister-in-law managed to take in a sneak attack. Because if my mom saw a camera coming toward her, she’d go out of her way to avoid it.   
  
She was beautiful – I never understood her reluctance. Except, along the way, I came to feel that if *she* wasn’t pretty enough to be photographed, I most certainly needed to avoid the camera as well.   
  
I don’t blame her for this legacy – I have so much compassion for her, myself, and all folx who internalized the message their bodies are never good enough, that there is an ideal just out of reach.   
  
I have a routine I go through whenever I'm not liking how I feel in my body. 
💜 I cut myself some slack – of course I don’t always love my body with this fu***ng society we live in.   
💜 I remember - most people socialized female struggle with this at some point. For many, it never fully goes away.  
💜 I take some time to remember all that my body does for me, by reconnecting to pleasure – I might...dance, spend some time self-pleasuring, look at myself naked in the mirror to revel in the parts of my body that turn me on.   
  
Eventually I realize - a body capable of all of that is fu***ng amazing, and is perfect just as it is.  
  
Grab a Tune In & Turn On Intensive if you want to rewrite your relationship with your body.

Flirting isn't a social contract. ⠀
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I'm allowed to flirt because it's fun. ⠀
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I'm allowed to flirt because I'm practicing. ⠀
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I'm allowed to flirt because I think I moght be interested - and I get to change my mind. ⠀
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I flirt because I want to - it's not a social contract. ⠀
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⁣If this feels like you when trying to flirt, then you wanna get in my How To Get Your Flirt On workshop. ⠀
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I'm going live over on FB at 3pm PT today to share with you how I FINALLY got good at flirting after decades of feeling like a failure at it. ⠀
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Not on FB or got something else to do at that time? Register for the event at the link in my bio and you'll get an email tomorrow with a link to the YouTube replay. ⠀
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Are you skeptical about my upcoming event on flirting, thinking – ‘of COURSE that biotch can flirt – she’s an intimacy coach! I won’t be able to do what she does’? 
 
If this is you, I don’t blame you. Honestly, I don’t. Because that was me.  
 
If I was around someone I found attractive (and so theoretically would want to flirt with), I’d get all aggressive and confrontational with them. It was like my self-protective brain kicked in long before there was a chance to ever feel that sting of rejection that it knew was inevitable.  
 
And if I somehow managed to recognize that’s what was happening so I could be different and ACTUALLY try and flirt with that person, I just shut down. I went quiet and did my best to fade into the background. 
 
Every once in a while, I’d get so frustrated with myself about this I’d read articles on how to flirt and then I’d try the tips out. Disastrously. Every time. I was convinced I was just bad at flirting – like it was some immovable, intrinsic feature of my character.  
 
And then I’d be pi**ed at whoever wrote those articles because it felt like they were talking about something that just came natural and easy to them. So why the frack are they giving out advice on this because they have no idea how hard this actually is?! 
 
Well…none of that is true for me now. (Though I can't take a "flirty" pic to save my life!) 
 
Today I flirt with ease and in a way that feels authentic to me. Curious about what made the difference for me? I’ll tell you this – it wasn’t all of those articles with the 7 top tips on how to flirt. 
 
Join me in my workshop next week – How To Get Your Flirt On – to learn how I finally figured out how to flirt. I’ll show you a simple practice to help you get started.  
 
I’ll be going live on FB at 3pm PT on Thursday, Jan 27th. Folx that register (see link in my bio) will get links to the YouTube replay and copies of practices I take you through during the workshops. 
 
 
 

If you self-identify as a bad flirt and you want a different experience, then this is for you. 
 
One of the tools I’ll be sharing in my upcoming event series – Desire | Kink | Flirt – is an erotic breathwork practice. It’s a great, simple tool to re-stoke your arousal, to tap into your erotic energy when you want to, and to drop into your body when you’re feeling too in your head or disconnected from yourself. (The things I could never do when I was convinced I sucked at flirting.) 
 
I recently took my client, Melissa, through this breathwork practice when she shared that she had a series of social events coming up that she was feeling anxious about. She was having trouble relaxing and feeling like her true self at these events – filled mostly with people she didn’t know – and she wanted to be able to relax and enjoy them. 
 
You can see from her text to me how things turned out for her. 
 
The key to easy, natural, genuine flirting is the same pathway Melissa used to feel at ease in social settings. Sounds too simple to be true, but it is. Join me on my FB live on Jan 27th at 3pm PT – How To Get Your Flirt On – and I’ll tell you why this is and show you how to do this for yourself. 
  
  
 
Goals