The Bougie Bruja

There’s a kind of healing that doesn’t come from fixing yourself faster. It comes from being deeply met while you’re still in the middle of it.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how many of us carry parts of ourselves that feel too much for the world around us—too emotional, too intense, too sensitive, too angry, too honest.

And because those parts haven’t been fully welcomed, we learn to manage them instead of meet them.

We tell ourselves “I should be over this by now.”
To calm down.
To be more strategic.
To be less messy.
To move on already.

But what if the path isn’t abandoning those parts?
What if the path is creating enough safety for them to finally speak?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the version of us that learned early how to be brilliant, perceptive, creative, and powerful—while also being underestimated.

The younger self who could feel so much, see so much, and still didn’t always have the support to hold it all.

That part of us doesn’t need to be shamed into transformation.

She needs to be witnessed.
She needs to feel that connection isn’t lost when she brings her full truth.

This is what I keep returning to:
real healing happens when your system learns that you can be in the mess and still be held.

Not rushed, silenced, or “fixed.”
Met.

And from that place, something begins to shift.
The judgment softens.
The protective parts stop gripping so hard.
The body starts to trust.

A new self can emerge—not by force, but by repair.
I think so many of us are being asked to outgrow the version of ourselves that got us here. Not because she failed, but because she can’t carry us into the next chapter alone.

If you’re in a season where things feel tender, unclear, or emotionally loud, I want to offer this:

You are not behind because it still hurts.

You are not broken because you need support.

You are not wrong for needing to be witnessed in your full range.

Maybe the next step is not to become less of who you are.

Maybe it’s to become safer for all of who you are.

with love, 
Portia

Joy is one of the most vulnerable emotions you’ll ever allow yourself to feel.

Not grief. Not fear. Not sadness. Not anger.

Joy.

Because grief expects loss.
Fear expects danger.
Sadness expects disappointment.

But joy asks you to open, soften, and to let yourself fully receive what is here.

And for many women, that feels terrifying.

Not because they don’t want joy.

Because somewhere along the way they learned that if they let themselves have it, it would be taken away.

So they downplay the good things.

They search for what’s wrong.

They keep one foot in disappointment so they won’t have to fall as far if life changes.

They call it being realistic.

But often it’s self-protection.

I know this intimately.

As a survivor of childhood SA, and with the trauma history I carry in my body, joy has been one of the emotions I’ve had to consciously learn how to feel safe experiencing.

It’s a daily practice.

For a long time, hypervigilance felt safer than joy. Because when your nervous system has been shaped by experiences that taught you the world isn’t always safe, joy can feel strangely exposed.

The nervous system can become so accustomed to preparing for loss that it struggles to fully receive love, pleasure, success, intimacy, rest, or happiness while they’re here.

Maybe you’ve noticed this in yourself.

The moment something beautiful arrives, your mind immediately starts scanning for when it will end.

The relationship.
The opportunity.
The season of ease.
The feeling of being deeply alive.

As if anticipating loss could somehow prevent it.

It can’t.

It only prevents you from fully receiving what is already here.

Joy is not a guarantee that nothing will change.

It’s a willingness to let yourself be touched by life anyway.

To trust your ability to handle what happens next.

To allow yourself to love the moment without demanding that it last forever.

For me, healing has not been learning how to feel less grief, fear, or sadness.

It has been learning how to feel more joy.

And letting my body discover, again and again, that joy is safe to experience even when life remains uncertain.

Let’s be honest for a second.

You’re not struggling with pleasure because something’s wrong with you.

You’re struggling because your body doesn’t trust you yet.

Because you’ve rushed past your own needs. Said yes when you meant no. Performed “fine” so many times your nervous system stopped believing you’d ever actually rest.

Sexual reclamation isn’t about power. It’s about becoming someone your body feels safe enough to soften with.

That’s the work.

DM “READY” — 4 spots open for 1:1!

A lot of what we call “masculine” in you?
It’s not masculine. It’s trauma.

It’s protection. It’s years of over-adapting because no one else was safe enough to hold you.

And to be clear I’m not talking about women who choose to embody masculine energy or present masculine. That’s beautiful and intentional.

I’m talking about when we use
“she’s in her masculine” as a criticism.
As code for “too much.”
As something she needs to fix.

You weren’t born this way.

You learned to become your own stability.
Your own safety.
Your own soft place to land because you had to.

And somewhere along the way,
people started calling you
“too independent.”
“Too guarded.”
“In your masculine.”

But here’s what I actually see:

A woman who survived.

And now?

You’re not looking to be fixed.

You’re looking to finally exhale.
To stop holding it all.
To be met without having to earn it.
To feel safe enough to soften and still be respected.

That’s not too much to ask.

That’s what you’ve always deserved.

Pleasure feeds your nervous system. It is nourishment.

Many women experience what I think of as a nourishment barrier— a place where receiving any expression of pleasure feels unfamiliar, unsafe, or undeserved.

We’ve learned to override our bodies, disconnect from desire, and treat pleasure as optional instead of essential.

But pleasure is not indulgence.

Pleasure supports regulation, safety, and a deeper relationship with the body. When you allow yourself to receive more of it, your body can soften, your desires can become clearer, and your capacity to hold more aliveness expands.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to understand the many expressions and flavors of pleasure.

Pleasure can look like self-love, grounded energy, the sound of bread crunching in my mouth, my favorite music playing while I eat, or the taste of freshly made cacao on my lips.

The more attention I give to pleasure, the more I notice it living in small sensory moments that bring me back into my body. It becomes less about chasing intensity and more about allowing myself to fully receive what is already here.

I teach holistic pleasure as a full-body, emotional, energetic, mental, and spiritual experience NOT something limited to goal-oriented s*x or climax.

Because let’s be real: it would be so boring if pleasure only counted when we or**smed.

Sometimes pleasure looks like turn-on. Sometimes it looks like softness, presence, safety, beauty, or deep embodiment.

Some things that bring me pleasure — and increase my turn-on — are:
- warmth of sunlight on my skin
- clean sheets after a long day
- the first sip of tea in the morning
- oiling my body slowly after a shower
- fresh fruit at peak ripeness
- bare feet on the earth
- incense, candles, or a scent that reminds me of my sensuality
- a deep exhale I didn’t realize I needed
- dancing alone in my kitchen
- silk, linen, or soft fabric against my skin
- laughing so hard my whole body releases
- being lovingly witnessed
- being fully present while I eat
- hearing my favorite song at exactly the right moment

What brings you pleasure? Share it below and let’s help each other with our pleasure

This is one of the most common questions I get about pleasure practice:

“Am I too dependent on my vi****or?”

“Did I ruin my sensitivity?”

“If I watch p**n or use a vi****or, am I blocking deeper pleasure?”

“Do I need to stop using these tools to become more or****ic?”

And my answer is not a simple yes or no.

Because the real question isn’t whether vi****ors, p**n, or cl****al stimulation are “bad.”

The real question is: what kind of relationship are you building with them?

I teach or**sm through a developmental framework.

Which means I look at whether a tool is supporting a woman’s current stage — or whether it has become the only pathway she knows.

For some women, vi****ors and p**n can be incredibly supportive.

They can help awaken sensation.

They can create permission.

They can become part of the reclamation stage especially for women who are just beginning to access pleasure, fantasy, arousal, and connection with their body.

For other women, the question becomes more nuanced.

If a tool is the only way pleasure feels accessible, that’s not something to shame, but it is something to get curious about.

Because healthy pleasure is not about rigid rules.

It’s about honesty.

Awareness.

And whether your practice is helping you build a deeper, more expansive relationship with your body.

I am never interested in making women wrong for using tools that support them.

I’m interested in helping women understand what is actually serving their growth.

And sometimes that means a vi****or belongs in the practice.

Sometimes it means your body is ready for more range, more sensitivity, and more pathways to pleasure.

That’s a very different conversation than shame.

What’s your take: can vi****ors belong in a healthy pleasure practice? Comment below.

A lot of women think they need better techniques, more information, or stronger tools.

But often, what they actually need is the right support for the stage they’re in.

Because or****ic development is not one flat experience.

There are seasons of foundation.

Seasons of expansion.

And seasons where s*xual energy opens into something much bigger.

When you understand your stage, you stop making your body wrong for needing what it needs.

And you stop trying to force a level of readiness that isn’t actually true yet.

This is where so much more compassion, clarity, and power can enter the journey.

I have 5 spots open for 1:1 coaching. Book an enrollment call via the link in my bio.