Conflict Navigation, Mindset and Resiliency, and Communication Strategy coaching for executives, org
07/07/2020
A common fear we hear a lot from clients when working on conversation skills (especially conflict conversation): fear of being judged.
Getting in "trouble".
Being disapproved of.
Losing a friend.
Being seen as unreasonable.
Being seen as unprofessional.
Being seen as ungrateful.
Being seen as disloyal.
If we let fear of judgement stop us from speaking, it stops us from being seen at all.
Which one stops you?
06/05/2020
Thank you to and for the artwork and files. And thank you to .speaks for putting this where I could find it and participate.
I sent the email to the Kentucky attorney general a few days ago but I'll be completing the other action items today. The link will be in my bio so you can participate too. Lots of good easy action items there. Please join me. @ San Francisco, California
Out here listening to those who have lived through this for generations.
Other people I have learned a great deal from:
speaks
And so many more.
Highly recommend following them.
Before you respond to any of their posts, read the comments, someone has probably already said what you're thinking or asked what your want to know. Respect their space. Support them if you can.
06/01/2020
This goes for always, but especially right now: be open to feedback.
Support the black people in your life and community by listening, protecting, donating. They've been trying to tell us how to help for a very long time. Don't stand for those family members or old friends trying to belittle this movement either, they need feedback too.
If someone gets upset with you over something you said, or disagrees with you, you will probably feel at least a little (and sometimes a LOT) defensive. That's normal.
Acknowledge that feeling, don't act on it. Then, get curious.
Why did it upset them? Could I have said that differently? Do I want them to be upset? What is the point of this conversation? What can I learn about their perspective? Do I need to rethink my own? How can I understand better?
The goal doesn't have to be to persuade the other person to agree with you, or to even defend your point at all. Be open to different opinions, use any criticism to grow your understanding. It's the only way to grow.
05/12/2020
Do you ever let social pressure rush you into decision making?
Sometimes this world of instant gratification and quick answers and quick fixes makes us feel like we're expected to answer that email or comment or request immediately so we don't take the time to ask ourselves if we have everything we need to make an informed decision or response. Then we get down on ourselves for not having the answer or energy. It's not fun.
I find it's helpful to ask, do I have everything I need to make this decision? If I'm feeling any sort of resistance, the answer is no. Whether the tool is learning how to ask for a break, request more information, strategies for bringing something up after some time, discussing things that make me uncomfortable...or many more, taking the time to find out what I need and learn how to implement makes a huge difference in my stress level.
Especially learning how to bring up or respond to topics that might be uncomfortable.
What tools do you love? What tools do you wish you had?
05/09/2020
Are you ever tempted to just change everything?
This business has me (and most people I've talked to) on a roller coaster from "it's nice to have no obligations" to "what am I even doing with my life??"
In the past, when I have found myself feeling the pressure of discomfort in a situation that is bigger than myself, I fluctuate between "change nothing" and "change everything". Quit that job, move, break up. Neither option ever seemed to make things better unless I'd attempted small adjustments first.
I have learned in my martial arts practice, that big action is generally beneficial only when calculated and not inspired by fear. So when experiencing the fear of pressure, make small adjustments instead. Scoot your hips back a little at a time, shift your weight a little, change the pressure until you can get the leverage you need.
The same goes for a conversation challenge. Often we want to lash out and put the discomfort back on the other person, which usually makes the situation even more tense. Instead we could make small adjustments to our attitude, posture, and volume to lessen the tension all around.
I think many of us are feeling the pressure of the big action taken on us by this pandemic that was out of our control. A sense of discomfort wanting to simultaneously put things back the way they were while recognizing that things needed (and still need) to change. So we are torn between being amazingly productive or paralyzed with uncertainty or overwhelmed with activities and obligation.
Times like these are perfect for small adjustments. In a disagreement, I ask questions. When I feel overwhelmed by my virtual schedule I make sure to set an alarm for 5 minutes with my eyes closed. If I am feeling discomfort in my body from sitting too much, I go for a short walk. If I feel disconnected, I send a couple of texts. I cut down coffee to 3 days a week and now only on Saturdays. When we're allowed to reengage socially, I will take it slow.
Relief doesn't have to come from an all or nothing perspective.
What small adjustments have you been making during this strange time?
05/08/2020
Steffi gave some insight about declining playdates over at The Every Mom. These conversations are going to be even more important to consider as things start to reopen and people have different comfort levels around in person hang outs. Link in our bio to the article!
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At this moment, public health officials agree: the surest way to keep our communities safe is to stick to ourselves. Many parents are having to turn down invitations for playdates and visits with friends and family members. This can be especially difficult if you are dealing with someone who just isn't getting it. Today on The Everymom, we are sharing the do's and don'ts of declining playdates and family visits during social distancing.|| photo by via
05/07/2020
How are you doing today?
I've had several people bring up not "coping as well as I thought i would" during this stressful time. I think we probably have a lot of expectations of being able to keep ourselves feeling "normal" when things get weird. But normal is fluctuation, and needing to rest, and preserving our energy. When your normal changes, it takes energy, and it can be exhausting. So, check on your expectations if you feel you "should" be any certain way right now and consider letting yourself off the hook.
What's one thing you're going to let yourself off the hook for today?
I'm going to let myself off the hook for not drinking enough water yesterday. And as soon as I hit submit on this post, I'm going to fill up my water bottle and drink the whole thing.
05/06/2020
What do you love about this time? What do you miss? What will you do differently?
My wfh coworker is cute and all but I miss being in the same room with our clients. Also the in-person brainstorming sessions with Steffi. Virtual sessions are great but there's just something special being in a room with a lot of people learning at once.
I am grateful for the quality time I've had with this furry beast. I never liked leaving him home alone so much. And, I do love not having to commute and rush around the city, I'll be scheduling much less in one day when we go back to scheduling visits. I realize now how many things I was forcing into each day. And I know better!
What about you?
12/09/2019
When we wait to let someone know a situation is not ideal, we lose confidence in our ability to do it, and fear of their reaction grows until it stops us from saying anything.
Many of us then need to get really angry and compile a list of grievances before we can finally say something to set things right. However by then, the situation may be so much worse than it was in the beginning that there is no going back.
What if it didn't have to be this way? Consider that you may need emotional fuel because you don't have a different process to get to a point where you can let someone know you need something to be different. If you just had a process, you could speak up in the moment instead of needing to wait for stress and anxiety and anger to kick off a conversation. You could be confident that you can handle any reaction. What would that feel like?
(Doggo Murph does not wait to feel resentful to let you know you're needed in the yard)
12/03/2019
If you wish to see change, in yourself or someone from else, are you creating an environment that encourages growth?
11/27/2019
Open your meal or gathering with a "Welcome and thank you all for being here." Tack on the statement above, edit to make it fit your family and remind everyone why they're there and what behavior you want to see. Then you can go into a round of everyone sharing what they're thankful for, or end in a toast or prayer (whatever your family tradition is).
Sometimes ground rules are all that's needed to make a conversation go smoothly. A lot of times people have different expectations so getting everyone on the same page before you get started can make a big difference. And if anyone breaks the rule, you can just say, "I think this topic is going to distract from our enjoyment, so let's save this conversation for another time."
If this doesn't fit your experience, just shoot us a message we'll be happy to write you a little custom script to fit your needs for tomorrow.