The Baby Sleep Engineer

The last few years have been full of great loss; the loss of my marriage, my dad, my grandmother, and a couple of pets, all during a global pandemic. Other important relationships have suffered along the way too. It's been painful, and I haven't felt ready to speak publicly about it, which is why I haven't been active on social media.

Through and out of all of the grief I've experienced, there's been immeasurable growth, and great joy. I've spent the last few years rebuilding, and I'm so proud of the beautiful life I've created for myself. And since my most recent creation is just too good to keep to myself, I've decided to come out of social media hiding :)

Alice and I are beyond thrilled to become a family of 3 in May. Stay tuned for newborn content! We are going to find out if my any of my sleep skills actually apply to my own baby 😂

When we parents set a boundary, no child has ever responded, “Cool! I can see this is important and I understand why. I'm on it!”

It’s literally their job to push the boundary to find out whether it will hold.

The more we learn to expect the pushback, the better we handle it. I tell parents about this. All. The. Damn. Time.

And yet.

The other day, Alice and I were getting ready to go somewhere fun. I was rushing. We were late. Alice was ready-ish, so she was playing in her room.

She was IN it - engaged in the imaginative game she was playing. I gave her a 20-minute warning, then 10, then 5.

In hindsight, I knew she was ignoring me. I could have anticipated that when I actually announced it was time to go, there were going to be big feelings.

But my expectation was that since I gave the warnings, I had held up my end of the deal. I had done the correct-parent thing. So I expected that when I said, “Time to go!” she’d also “do everything right,” hop up, and we’d go.

“OK, mom! Thanks for all the warnings. They really emotionally prepared me for this transition.”

😱. SPOILER ALERT: SHE DID NOT SAY THAT.

She was very upset. Already flustered because we were late, I started to lose it.

I got her out the door, both of us yelling. I wanted her to stop crying. I was so rattled.

So I said, “If you don’t STOP CRYING, I WILL THROW ALL YOUR TOYS AWAY.” She believed me, of course. “NO! Please don’t throw my toys away!!”

I immediately regretted saying it. I apologized as we both recovered and calmed down.

But besides wishing I hadn’t said that, I also wished that I had expected the thing I tell my clients to expect: Kids push back on boundaries. It is their literal job to do so.

Of course, every parent has moments like this one. We’re not perfect. But we can be gentler on both ourselves and our kids by adjusting our expectations. It’s a lesson I’m still learning right alongside my clients.

PS I know my daughter would want EVERYONE to know that "she lost a tooth and she's only 5!"

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Out in the wild (i.e. in my non-sleep coach life), I had dinner with some friends.

The parents got to talking, and they shared that after co-sleeping for almost five years, they are thinking about moving their son to his own room. They weren’t looking for advice; just kicking around the idea. Unlike families that work with me, this family is sleeping fine.

“Should” their kid be sleeping in his own room? It doesn’t seem like it to me, since all three are happy with the current sleeping arrangement.

Before I became a parent, I was sure I wanted to co-sleep. When the time came, it went horribly. I couldn’t fall asleep, and sharing the bed made it harder for me to stay emotionally regulated. I need alone time.

I learned to accept that I’m a better parent with my daughter sleeping in her own room and falling asleep on her own. Yet...sometimes when co-sleeping comes up, I hear a judging voice in my head. It whispers, “i would be a better parent if i didn’t need my own bed.”

I think as a sleep coach, I spend a lot of time saying “There *should* be fewer SHOULDs in parenting, and you gotta figure out what works for you.”

I can say all day, “Everyone SHOULD do what works for them!” but if I don’t confront my own internal judge, the one that whispers the “best” parents are people who have no needs at all, then I’m just paying lip service to “You should do what works!” I don’t really believe it.

So my work as a mother - AKA, a *human being* who has kids but also needs of her own - is to confront and dispute that voice in my own head. Not to worry about what other parents SHOULD be doing.

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“Oh my God. My kid won’t sleep. What do I do?”

If a parent is asking this question in a Facebook group, they’ve already taken a step in the right direction. They realize there’s a problem. They are looking for the fix.

It’s the answers to this question in a lot of mom FB groups that bug me.

“Essential oils in a diffuser.” “Get this special sleep sack.” “Get this special mattress.” “Get the DockATot!"

That. Will. Solve. EVERYTHING.

Sure, each of these things works well for SOME babies, for SOME length of time.

But I call these gadgets crapshoot band-aids.

They’re BAND-AIDS because they’re not really addressing the core issues.

They’re a CRAPSHOOT because for every success story with one of these solutions, there are 10? 20? 100? stories about that sleep sack, that swing, that sleep aid, didn’t work at all.

$50, $100 or even $300 straight down the drain.

Everybody knows this. “My first loved the swing and my second hated it.” Or “my second would only bounce in the Baby Bjorn bouncer.”

And that cost adds up. $40 on a sleep sack here, $100 on a new bouncer there. And no guarantee that you’re not just flushing your money down the toilet.

As a sleep consultant I don’t offer guarantees. But hiring me is not the same kind of gamble. Sure parents are skeptical. “My kid just won’t sleep. Nothing works.” But because I’m with you night after night, we adjust the approach until you see improvement.

Plus, If you sleep train, you’re not only learning about sleep science and learning the sleep-conducive environment that works for your child now, you’re also able to address regressions 6 months later. A year later. You can re-use the strategies again and again.

Of course a sleep consultant is more expensive than any single gadget. (Well, there are a few gadgets that are just as expensive.)

But, it’s not about the $$. If it were, parents wouldn’t buy ten $40 sleep sacks without a second thought.

Here’s why I think parents turn to gadgets before sleep training: the question in the Facebook group isn’t just “What do I do when my kid won’t sleep?” but “What do I do to get my kid to sleep MAGICALLY with NO TEARS and no adjustment period

The promise of the gadget - the reason people take the gamble - is the possibility of getting sleep NOW WITH NO TEARS.

“If I can spend this $50 and I don’t have to endure my child crying? That’s what I want.”

I get it. But let’s summarize your options.

Gadgets =
No crying.
Lots of small amounts of money over time. $$$$
Once in a blue moon chance of success.
Temporary = kids grow out of all of ’em.

Sleep consultant =
crying/adjustment/lots of feelings.
A fixed amount of money, one time. $$
Almost 100% chance of success.
Strategies adapt as the child grows and changes.

I wish I could tell you there was a way to combine the best of both options, but I can’t. Better to understand your options before you make a choice, right? I think so.

Parents of babies that are 8, 9, 10 weeks old say things like this to me:

“I hear all these horror stories of babies that are terrible sleepers and I don’t want to do anything to cause that in my baby. I don’t want to ruin her.”

“I don’t want to f**k this up.”

“I want to make sure I’m doing everything right.”

Newborn sleep is tough and unpredictable, and nothing anyone is experiencing when it comes to newborn sleep is “wrong.” It can look so many different ways.

You cannot create bad habits when they’re tiny. If what’s driving you to call me is a feeling that you SHOULD be doing things some magical “right way”... you don’t have to do that.

I mean, you can call me! And as a certified baby sleep coach, of course I can help you get off on the right foot, and give you the tips and tools to set up the conditions that will be conducive to your baby sleeping longer stretches and getting more rest.

For a lot of parents, having instructions from an expert reduces anxiety because they’re box-checkers. Call me and I will give you those tips and tools! And I’ll be so happy to help.

For other parents though, you don’t need tips and tools that will just overwhelm you. You need permission not to worry. So here it is:

✅ you’re not screwing up your newborn.

✅ your experience is normal.

✅ you have permission to be in survival mode, do what you have to do, and call me in 2 or 3 months when you feel exhausted and need something to change.

If the tips and tricks are going to overwhelm you, you have permission to set them down. Pick them up if they help. If not:

IGNORE THE INTERNET. IGNORE THE BOOKS. Enjoy what you can. Survive it all.

Photo Credit: Lauren Hirsch

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When I help families who are anxious about crying, we have options. We can design a plan that bakes in more frequent check-ins, but that often means that progress will be very gradual.

Less crying/slow progress can be a Catch-22 because many families are already very, very tired when they come to me. But one of the main reasons they’re so tired is that they are very uncomfortable with letting their baby cry.

So they need sleep now (or very soon) but the thing that’s keeping them from getting sleep is the thing that they are most reluctant to do (let their baby cry a bit, especially the first couple of nights.)

It’s not easy. Even if, as a parent, you tell yourself you’re willing to hear more crying, the 1 a.m. version of you is a different YOU. A “you” who is likely to cave and hold the baby for the rest of the night just so you can doze a little.

Which makes for inconsistency, the death-knell for any sleep-training method.

I understand the impulse to step in. Crying makes most of us parents very anxious. Crying makes us feel we have to intervene, we have to pick up the baby, we have to hold them. We have to step in.

But sometimes helping your child means refraining from stepping in.

When I design a sleep training plan, I think about what’s in the best interest of the child and balance that with what’s in the best interest of the parents.

Parents often feel like their needs shouldn’t be taken into consideration at all. But if that were true, they wouldn’t need my help in the first place.

Parents also feel like letting their child cry doesn’t serve their child’s needs. But once we agree to a plan, sticking to the plan and staying consistent with it IS the best way to serve the child’s needs. It’s the best way to ensure that your child knows what to expect from you. And it’s the best way for all of you to get on the road to better sleep.

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I was on the phone with a mom who had just decided to hire me. She said to me, “I am so glad you take a child-centered approach.”⁠
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Hmm. I thought, “Do I take a child-centered approach?”⁠
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When I hear “child-centered,” I wonder if the parents mean, “I’m doing everything I can to reduce all crying and upset, no matter the cost to my own boundaries or sanity.”⁠
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And if that’s what “child-centered” means, then no. I don’t take a child-centered approach to sleep coaching.⁠
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Child-centered does not mean our job as parents is to make all of our child’s bad feelings go away. If “child-centered” means that we are trying to create conditions in which our child never has to display those kinds of emotions, we’ll spend a lot of time abandoning ourselves and sacrificing our own sanity for a need that kids don’t even have.⁠
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But! If you consider the fact that I help families create the conditions for their children to get more sleep and better quality sleep, then, actually... HELL YES, I do take a child-centered approach!⁠
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Kids need a lot more sleep than adults do. So, in that sense, helping them sleep definitely centers their needs.⁠
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Child-centered doesn’t mean “no one else matters."⁠
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Child-centered doesn’t mean “no one else has needs.”⁠
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As I’m helping parents create that good-sleep environment, part of that process is logistics. Part of that process is allowing the child to adjust. And part of that process is helping parents realize that they can’t actually meet their child’s needs if they’re not meeting their own needs - for sleep, for alone time, for a reliable bedtime routine.⁠
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So… how about we call it “family-centered”? ;)⁠

At the end of the night four years and seventy four days ago, I hugged my then 5 month old daughter extra tight. I felt powerless and paralyzed, and grateful she was too young to know what was happening.

Today, she danced naked in the living room, clapping and cheering at the TV, while I cried tears of relief. Today, she got to watch Kamala Harris make history as the first woman and the first woman of color to become Vice President. Today, Trump is no longer the president.

Biden wasn't my first (or even third?) choice, and the work is far from over, but today is a good day, and I am grateful.

I’m improving all my packages to incorporate my experiences with dozens of families, and help my clients see results faster. My prices are going up, but you can book through December 31 and lock in my 2020 rates, even though we won’t start until January.

Imagine getting a full night’s sleep, night after night. You could have that two or three weeks from now.

I specialize in creating a sleep plan that is customized to each family, which means if you’re anxious about exactly how you’ll sleep-train, or whether sleep-train will traumatize you or your child, you’re coming to the right place.

Rest: you need it AND you deserve it. DM me here on Instagram if you have questions.

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I had a parent just recently say to me, “I feel like I just learned so much about parenting. This experience of sleep training is going to impact the way I approach so many other areas of parenting.”

Another said to me, “I didn’t realize what my child was capable of.”

A lot of parents who come to me are anxious about sleep training because they are afraid they’re either making their child do something that’s not good for them, or something their child’s not ready for.

Like so many other moments in parenting, you don’t have to be 100 percent sure and confident when you start this journey. We make a plan based on your preferences. Want a process that enables you to be in the room to soothe your child? We can plan for that. Are you so desperate for sleep (and for your children to have a patient, engaged, and well-rested parent) that you need to see progress quickly? We can plan for that too.

You have the benefit of my experience with dozens of families over the years. We’ll make our plan. And then the moment will come when you give your child the chance to show you what they’re capable of.

And then you get more sleep! If that sounds good to you, DM me to book a spot in January. Spots are filling up! If you book before Jan. 1, you’ll pay my 2020 rates, even if we don’t start until 2021.

PARENTS OF PRESCHOOLERS. Hi. If you think it’s too late to sleep train, I’m here to tell you it’s not. As we wrap up 2020, I took a look back and noticed 50% of my 2020 clients have been parents of children over two.

Here’s how sleep training works with older children when you do it with me:

* We go gradually.* If you are sleep training for the first time, congratulations on making the decision. You might be very, very chronically sleep deprived after months or years of bad sleep. But the most permanent gains in sleep (meaning sleeping through the night, night after night, forEVER) come from starting slow and staying consistent. So that’s what we do - start slow, stay consistent.

* You will be involved.* We are very unlikely to use a method where you say good night, leave the room, and don’t come back in for long stretches of time. Especially not within the first couple of days. You WILL be able to comfort your toddler without skidding off the road to better sleep.

* We will work together to make a plan.* I don’t do one-size-fits-all plans because I want you to commit to a plan you can actually execute when I’m not there. I’m not there at 1 a.m. ( ), but you will be. I want to make sure you know exactly what to do in the dead of night, that you don’t get confused, discouraged, or give up.

*You’ll keep a sleep log that I check at least once a day.* That means that I’ll be able to review what happened last night so that I can give you custom tweaks and tips for how to approach the following night’s sleep.

*PLUS you get a weekly live call* with me to talk over your toughest nights and most stubborn obstacles, AND to identify the places where you’re making progress you can double down on the stuff that’s working.

My rates are going up in 2021, but if you book before January 1, you’ll pay my 2020 rate, even if you’re scheduled to start in January. Get in on that by sending me a DM.

Like everything else, the holidays are different this year. But kids will still stay up too late to watch Elf or Charlie Brown Christmas...or YouTube. They’ll still eat too much sugar. Their nap routines will somehow still get screwed up. Older siblings will still be on break and parents will take days off, leading to messed up bedtime routines.

And if this is your family, I want you to know that I’m extending a special offer for the month of December. Book any of my packages for January 2021 at my 2020 rates. That means you can get a strategy session call for $75, even if you book it for January 2021.

Whether we’ve worked together before or you’re a first-time client, you can book any package at 2020 rates and get on the calendar for January. (If you wait until January to book, just know that my rates are going up.)

Book a call or a full sleep training package now for January, and have it ready to support your post-holiday blitz of sugary treats, (yet more) disruptions to the routine, and the general excitement/frenzy of the end of the year.

My new packages incorporate my experiences with dozens of families, and they allow most of my clients to see results fast.

If you’re not sure which package is right for you, click the link in my bio to book a free 15-minute intro session so I can answer your questions. Or DM me.