Art of Masculine

Competition and Honor
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Recently I stood in front of a man during a workshop honoring Shiva, the masculine principle.

He was young, in his prime, his masculine strength, vitality, and goodness poured out of him without any restraint. And as I stood in front of this man, I felt familiar shades and shadows...

Competition, lack, questions of worth, resistance...

Even though I've been working on softening my resistance and compeition with other men for a while now, these old patterns still roar and claw loudly at thebest of us.

The idea of brotherhood and tribe has always fascinated me. It may be idealistic and overly simplistic, but I believe in tribal dynamics where everyone has their place within the circle. There may be hierarchy but there is an order to it and a lack of survival of the fittest. All members of the tribe have their importance and role. This is the model I strive for.

Standing in front of this brother I felt the trembling of all my insecurities. Where is my place, how can I compete with this man, for resources, partnership, status. Even before my accident, there's no way I could have taken him physically.

And yet with curiosity and courage, I breathed...

I allowed my body to soften, this man isn’t here to hurt me...

And within that space something new emerged, a question..

I asked, what if before turning the light on myself and making this experience all about me, I honored this brother first. What if I instead of this moment being about running circles in my mind and shaming myself for my perceived lack, I came back to presence and acknowledged and celebrated his strength, his prowess, his depth of masculinity, his gifts.

As I opened my body and heart to this man in honor and appreciation, something surprising happened...

It was as if a doorway inside me opened. One which allowed me to honor myself in a deeper way. It was as if by honoring this man's gifts, I was able to honor my own.

I felt humbled, seen, and honored by perhaps the most important person for these explorations, myself.

Ironically, when I had a chance to debrief with this man he reflected a myriad of strengths and attributes that he saw and honored with me. Wisdom, depth, presence, courageous heart.

I may not be the best hunter, the best fighter, the best in games of skill and chance. But I do have my gifts that bear weight to the tribe, as do we all. Gifts that without, the tribe would surely be lost.

We all have pieces of the collective puzzle we are being asked to bring to the party. And yet, it seems that without honoring others and their unique pieces, truly honoring without fear or judgement, we cannot be whole, within or without.

When Men & Women Join Hands

For far too long we have been divided. Women and men, both feeling on opposite sides of a chasm. Both desiring the other, both afraid, both held by expectations, disappointments, and imagination.

I believe it is time for us to step into a new paradigm of relating with each other. One of the most potent ways to do this is to begin creating intentional spaces where both men and women's voices are heard, wounds felt and healed, and both our light and shadows are given space.

The encouraging part is both men and women have already been doing this. While often for different reasons and intentions, it seems both genders recognize the value of cohesion and unity amongst each other.

It is important to note that in many ways, women have lead the way. Through both good intentions and sadly all too often due to the need for cohesion in the face of discrimination and strife, united women have brought much strength, hope, and healing into the world. Red Tents, women's gatherings, empowerment circles, and other intentional spaces have given women a place to be seen, their stories heard, and for Sisterhood to grow deep.

For the men, it seems only in the last few years that we've picked up the scent of what's been missing in so many of our lives, Brotherhood. Especially in light of , men have been collectively confronted by their shadows and firmly asked to do better. I believe the recent interest and attention on men's issues and development will only continue in its depth and potency as men gather in the spirit of benevolence and service, intentions set on holding each other in accountability while honoring the goodness that lies in the heart of men everywhere.

We've all done well over the last few years. And there's more to be done.

I see three roads that must be walked at the same time in order for there to be true collective healing amongst the genders. Women in sisterhood and solidarity, men in brotherhood and accountability. Both with authentic intention to bring the best out of their genders and to be good shepherds of our communities and the planet we live on.

The next less untrodden road is the one that leads to both genders sitting in circle together. Where without guile, we unmask the shadows of both the masculine and feminine and give with love and grace the medicine we have for each other. There's only so far men can go without women, and only so far women can go without men.

I believe without conscious awareness that the next step involves all of us, it is too easy to fall into the all too prevalent trap of creating echo chambers where we speak of empowerment but in reality, are only parroting blame and victimhood. The danger of thinking the work ends with men and women in their respective circles lies in how it becomes too easy to forget why we are doing this in the first place.

I believe we stand at the forefront of a new threshold. Where men and women join together in circle, to share, to heal, to evolve together. Spaces where both women and men are both held in esteem, accountability, and love. A space where our differences and gifts are recognized and honored for their unique contribution. Where wisdom is shared without judgement, with open ears and spacious hearts.

If this brings up feelings of resistance, anger, or even joy, I urge this to be shared within safe spaces with your sisters and brothers. This vision of unity does require work, and while it will be rewarding beyond measure it won't be easy, nor will it always be pretty.

This next step requires patience, listening, and a deep knowing and honesty towards our individual and collective shadows. It also asks us to go beyond just being in our hearts and arriving with good intentions, but requires clear willingness to use skillful communication tools, employ elder wisdom, and bring in fair amounts of humility and surrender on both sides to broaden the scope of what's possible when we join together for the sake of collective evolution.

I believe its the only way forward.

Allow this to be a gentle reminder that our road does not stop with men working through their grief, anger, and shadow. Nor does it end with women stepping forward and sharing their gifts. The golden road I believe we are walking towards requires both sides to hold each other in a collective vision of healing and unity.

If you are someone who holds space for either men or women, I invite you to carry a vision of what comes next in your work. If it is not something you or those in your care are not ready for, let it be an unspoken direction.

Let us continue these essential steps of gathering with our genders but remember we are not on this journey with just our brothers or sisters. We are here together, and I believe it is time for us to recognize this fact and act accordingly.

Conversations need to be had, voices need to be heard. I believe it is time we do this together. Gently, slowly, with much presence and care in our hearts.

Its time.

Let's keep walking each other home, eyes wet, hearts open, one step at a time.

***

If you'd like to learn more about starting a men's group in your area, send me a message and I'll be happy to share some resources with you.

An Inquiry of Desire

We all desire to be wanted. To be seen, held, and acknowledged for who we are deep inside. To have someone tell us we're ok, loved, and likable.

How this shows up can either be supportive or create toxicity to our way of being. Especially when it comes to those we are attracted to.

Whether its a man, woman, or anyone in between, how often do we give up our power for the sake of a moment of validation?

For most of us, all too often. Often, this slip of self-esteem is barely noticeable and practically normal to ourselves or others. Other times, it can lead to drastic actions and create even more distance between ourselves and what we desire.

A mentor of mine once shared with me that all desires are innocent. Whether someone desires another spliff, a promotion, or even just a hug, all these desires come from the same place. A place that feels a momentary lack, a desire for something more than what is, a disconnection to life that seems like a rejection of our hearts and soul.

This lack can be excruciating at times. Especially when it seems to be a theme during a period of our lives. The experience of constant rejection is a hard road to walk, especially when we may already feel alone.

I was sitting with an elder friend of mine recently having this discussion. The pain in his eyes was real as he shared how even after all his wisdom and developmental practice he still found himself pining over women and seeking their approval and validation.

It can seem like a neverending cycle. So what to do about what appears to be an all too common human experience?

I believe it comes down to approaching these aspects of ourselves gently and to incorporate a better conceptualization of these situations.

How many times have we walked into a mall looking for a new belt and in the process walked through a number of stores, some related and others just for the pleasure of seeing what's on offer? How many times have we seen the most amazing this or that but because we came for a belt or were already a little late to our next meeting, we left what was there for another time, or another person?

The point here is that not everything on offer is for us, nor is it always the right time. What we are offering others may not be what they are looking for. Nor is what others are offering us always for us.

And yet, we as humans, are not pieces of clothing. We come with the added features of emotions, memories, and projections which cause us to feel rejected when picked up, inspected, and put back down.

But as with the mall example, it is important to realize that often, its not personal, and that we all do the same thing. How often do we take a shirt or two into the changing room only to see in the end that they weren't a good fit? There are so many reasons why what is offered may not be for us, from timing, to having other priorities, to perhaps even that we were, just looking.

So what do we do with these emotions? We can best honor our emotions by acknowledging, allowing them to be, and through that process releasing them. We see them as innocent children asking for a tasty piece of candy that seems exciting and delicious in the moment, but may not actually serve us holistically.

This is where we can begin to be thankful for those who have come along our path and given us an opportunity to expand our experience and become more whole unto ourselves.

At the core of our desires is a deep longing to feel more connected to ourselves. For so many of us, at some point in our childhood, there was an abandonment and a sense of loss. Often this seemed to come from others, a parent who yelled, a sibling who was hurtful, a close friend who withdrew.

Without being too dramatic, these can be forms of trauma that often leaves a hole or void within all of us. The way to healing and integration is when we recognize that it is what happened directly after this loss, not the loss itself, that still haunts us.

When our younger selves felt the pain of being rejected, a few things happened, almost simultaneously. The first is we decided that what we wanted, the innocent desire to be and feel connected, or even just the piece of candy, wasn't ok. The second thing we did, the deepest cut, is we attached ourselves to the wounding by blaming ourselves and deciding we weren't lovable.

This is perfectly normal, and how any child would react. And yet, as adults reading these words we have more choice and options available to us.

Ironically, the one only one who can break this cycle is ourselves. We can begin to do the work required to unravel our pain, to see the parts of us that we abandoned, to start the process of forgiving others, and also ourselves for time lost.

I believe it comes from the sometimes gradual process of seeing ourselves as whole and valuable to ourselves. Often the best way to do this is through service. Perhaps this is why so many of us are seeking our purpose, as if finding something we're good at would mean others would love us more. I know that's often how it is for me.

The challenge is for this process to go beyond being just a mental belief and becoming something that is felt somatically and within our emotional depths ultimately leading us towards ownership and empowerment. This comes with time, awareness, and gentle recalibration and excavation of pathways that have always been there.

Pathways that lead us all one step closer to home.

***

If the pain of validation and rejection is something you're struggling with, do reach out. I'd love to talk with you.

My Loneliness Keeps Me Away

Its often ironic and occasionally humorous how humans solve their problems.

Recently I was invited to celebrate the going away of a friend here on the island of Koh Phangan. The evening would be on a Friday and involve dinner at what is described as a big kid's Disneyland complete with giant swings, and epic sunset views, and a pool with plenty of fish to swim in.

After dinner, the plan would be to go back to the friend's house and share an evening of connection, song, sharing, and celebration of family. It sounded like a wonderful opportunity to connect with those I love, who love me, and share in authentic intimacy. Sounds lovely right?

So why would I resist going?

Something you may not know about me is that I've always felt a bit lonely. Even when I've been in relationships its felt like there's always been a distance. Whether this is due to typology or circumstance is an inquiry I'm still unfolding.

And yet, as I've reached a point in my life where I'm finding myself very much attuned towards partnership, not just lovers and casual connections, the questions of relationship have been slowly brewing. Of course, whether I'm actually ready for it is a different story!

Suffice to say that I've been feeling the pangs of desiring someone who resonates with my core and stokes the fires of not just my heart, but also my mind, body, and spirit. Maybe that's too much to ask for, but I don't believe that.

I have always been lead to believe that if I don't go out, be social, and interact with other humans in social situations, I would always be lonely. This lead me to run the social circuit and do the bars, clubs, and parties thing in much of my late twenties and early thirties. Sure it was fun to meet new people sharing experiences and happy moments, but the truth is I always did it with an undercurrent of seeking a deeper connection.

I wonder at times if this deep longing comes from the lack of social nourishment I experienced in high school. Being someone who didn't quite seem to fit in, I was never cool enough to be invited to the parties and other activities where boys and girls met and supposedly learned about the birds and bees. Oh high school, from which so many of our fun social quirks stem.

I still can feel in my gut the pain of hearing my neighbor's car start and a loud goodbye to her parents as she sped off to another gathering while I felt trapped looking through closed blinds and a silent house phone (yes I'm dating myself!).

As I continue to become more grown up, I find joy in my autonomy. No longer do I have to ask permission to go somewhere, do what I want to do, or to spend time with who I want to spend time with. Look at me, I'm a big kid now!

I wonder at times if this is the male version of the Disney fairytale playing itself out. The desire of all young boys to be a prince, to slay dragons, accomplish great deeds, at long last through his questing and trials find the love of his life, and of course the coveted happily ever after.

At times it seems to me that this is an idea given to men to distract them from more purposeful endeavors. It is at times confronting to realize how much I still feel very ruled by the boy inside who wants to be invited, played with, and to desires the idealized vision of being in a relationship with someone without the seemingly struggle and effort of modern dating. If he could only have a partner, someone to share with, someone who would see him, all his problems would go away!

This boy who asks to go to places where there's opportunity to meet someone to share with, where there's the social lubricant that seemingly opens doors to new connections, where he may find others who are also perhaps searching for someone, where there's hope.

I don't blame him for not wanting to go to a going away party where he knows everyone. How boring he says! The irony of course is the more I'm seeking elsewhere, the less I'm able to enjoy the love that's right in front of me.

Fortunately, my heart knows better. My heart that knows me better than I know myself, who sees that I may always be a bit of a wanderer and wonderer, and yes at times a bit of a loner. My heart who tells me I'm whole, lovable and complete. My heart who wants better for me and in whispers tells me that being with chosen family, those who I know and who know me, who hold both my presence and my longing is what steps me into becoming a more integrated version of the man I'd like to be.

I believe there may always be a part of me that is restless. The part that hungers for more and desires to chase after a fantasy that appears to be just out of reach. That wants to run because the closer others get, the more they may see my darkness, and my light. The part that knows, the more I let people in, the more I may actually get what I want, and what a scary thing that can be.

As I breathe and honor these innocent tremblings, the process of maturity allows me to come to peace with them, perhaps even letting them out to play when appropriate, and grants me the wisdom to see that sometimes what I want, is already in front of me.

***

How was this for you? Is this just a Justin thing or did you find parts of this that resonated? I would love to hear from you.

Responsible Vulnerability

Vulnerability. It seems like such a loaded word. At first blush it elicits visions of rolling over, submitting, being powerless. And yet, it can be a rich source of empowerment and intimacy when we know how to do it skillfully.

We all have a desire to show ourselves and be received. There is a tenderness that the softer sides of us almost desperately want others to see. And yet, why is it that so many of us are afraid of being vulnerable?

I believe it is because we think it makes us weak, shameful, and ultimately unlovable. It requires us to show parts of ourselves to others that we are afraid they won't like, and often asks us to acknowledge aspects of ourselves that we ourselves don’t like. And yet, a fundamental element to creating and experiencing the joy of authentic relationships is being willing to be fully revealed.

I shared a video a while back that shared how we can be vulnerable, while still being empowered. I call this Responsible Vulnerability.

The trick is to express our emotions while also being fully responsible for ourselves and our experience. This means not expecting anything from the receiver of our vulnerability. All too often when people are vulnerable, they do so from a place of giving to get where they share vulnerability in the hopes that the other person will fix or make things better. This invariably creates unspoken expectations and creates an imbalance in the relationship.

The noblest thing we can do when we ask for help is to be actively helping ourselves in the process. In many ways when we hold ourselves with dignity through both the sadness of grief and the ecstasy of abandon we are showing others that it is safe for them to be in it with us.

We all subconsciously and consciously resist taking others baggage upon ourselves. While we may be conditioned to take on other people's stuff, our bodies and hearts know better and when we are asked to shoulder more than we can carry it can often create shades of resentment and resistance which then causes more separation and loss of trust.

It is important to note that much of this happens on subtle levels that are hard to see, but the effects of these unspoken expectations inevitably strain our relationships in small but incremental ways. Consciously or subconsciously, people begin to pull away, become less available, and worse become passive aggressive because their own needs aren't getting met.

The trick is to feel fully, but also not lose ourselves. To be fully in our suffering, and also fully present in our awareness. There is no loss of consciousness or a distancing away from what is happening. There is a term disassociation in modern psychology that speaks to when a person disconnects from their surroundings. This is normal and a useful tactic when someone is experiencing a traumatic event or incident.

When we share vulnerability with another, we are in essence asking them to hear our story or feel and perhaps even relive our pain. In order to do this in a healthy balanced way that honors both speaker and listener, requires both sides to be as present as they can be.

I believe much of co-dependency happens because of this lack of presence. As children, most of us were not taught how to process our emotions and as a way of relinquishing responsibility and coping with situations either turned them off or found ways to release them, often through aggression, dominance, or even submission.

But we are not children anymore.

Healthy, empowered relationships ask us to step into a greater sense of responsibility for our experience, feelings, and the impact we are having on others. At times we may be overwhelmed, and that's when sharing what's on our hearts and minds or simply turning to a warm shoulder to cry on is useful. But during that process, let's not lose ourselves and forget that we are responsible, that we are not victims. This keeps everyone involved safe.

All this said, at times, even the best of us fall apart and lose any sense of how to hold ourselves. I know I have. And that's ok too. As friends and loved ones, it is our responsibility to know when the limits of our emotional and mental boundaries are about to be reached and do what we can to avoid hitting our limit.

This may require a compassionate understanding that the person we are holding space for may not be resourced enough to hold themselves, and that our role in these times is to provide as much as we can, and when we are close to our limits to lovingly step away, if only temporarily to recharge and clear our space.

A simple, but potent, tool to use when we are vulnerable is to place one of our hands on a part of our body that feels emotionally tender or is asking for some support. Often this can be the area of the heart or even our bellies. Gently pushing against our body, breathing deeply into where our hand and body make contact, and allowing ourselves to fall just a bit into our own hands is a highly reaffirming action and does wonders for our psyche and nervous systems.

This opens a pathway of inner awareness and provides an anchor point from which we can find ourselves again even when we feel lost in a swirl of emotions, pain, and process. This can also be something that we offer to others as we hold space for them. Simply asking them to place their hands on their heart or belly and taking a couple of breaths can often bring someone back to presence, fresh perspective, and wisdom.

Responsible Vulnerability is a courageous skill we as a society haven't quite learned yet. It requires maturity and a dedication to bringing the best of ourselves into relations, even when we're at our worst. It isn't always easy, or what we want to do in the moment, but I believe it is a vital part of having the higher levels of conscious relationship many of us desire.

When we raise our awareness and responsibility around what is being asked of us both as the vulnerable and the witness, we discover how this process can become a beautiful, integral part of how we guide each other, and ourselves, back home.

Hearing The Mystery

Life as we know it is filled with curiosity. What does it mean? Where is it going? What part do we play in what seems to be a cosmic symphony of lights, sounds, emotions, and all the energetics that bring spirit to matter, form to substance?

Within that play, there seems to be duality. The stark distance between black and white, up and down, yes and no. And yet within those points, often forgotten, is the space between.

Achille-Claude Debussy is famously quoted to have said, "Music is the space between the notes." How often do we take the time to listen to the music?

In our modern times, there is so much distraction and responsibility that pulls us away from the music, and each other. Often the stillness between breaths or even the sweet sounds of nature become deafened in light of purpose, relationship, and responsibility.

And yet, when we make time to listen, to explore, to swim in the ocean of the spaces between we realize we are one step closer to being drenched in bliss.

For those that have felt the beauty of this void, perhaps through meditation, dance, love-making, creative flow, or even the timeless space between present eyes, what causes us to forget to return to this valley of stillness and instead chase the fleeting escapes of screens, chatter, and addictions?

Because it's hard.

Being in the space between, much like being with a lover, requires presence. Being in stillness and breath, whether with Spirit or another human being, asks us to be aware and include more than just ourselves.

There is a walking on a tightrope quality to it. Too much towards a desire for more or too little willingness towards acceptance of what is and we fall off the rope and often land back in our patterns and certainty.

And yet, great music played well is rarely ever certain. Any master musician will share that even an old familiar song played with presence creates unique magic each and every time.

And so it can be with each moment of our lives. Each breath, each connection, each shared heartbeat. When we are still, when we are quiet with each other, when we listen softly and give space to the breath, we find ourselves one step closer to the gift of our authentic humanity.

What makes this space at times so hard for us to bear is our discomfort and unfamiliarity with the vastness of the not knowing. The void is so great at times, the stillness immense when compared with our shame, desires, and the fragility of our egos and daily lives.

It seems only natural that we would run in the face of such vast love.

I believe that the sound of love is all around. In the spaces between, the pause between breaths, the sound between the notes, within the heartbeats of lovers. And while these fine vibrations are always present in their majesty and wonder, they require open hearts and willing breath to hear their mystery.

The more familiar and open we become with the mystery, the more we realize the mystery that lays within ourselves, and each other. As infinite is the void, as infinite are we.

Deep, still, expansive, and free. Music that is always playing, asking to be heard, one note, one breath at a time.

Touch Deprived Society

We live in a day and age where most of us are not getting the amount of touch and connection we need to thrive. In a culture that seems to paint our differences as threats rather than gifts, the quality and depth of connection our physical and emotional structures need to live healthy, balanced lives is sadly not widely available.

We know that if children are not given high amounts of touch and connection as they grow up in their formative years, they develop mental and emotional challenges. We even know that if the same happens to babies during the first pivotal months of their birth, they literally wither away and die.

So what does it mean for us big kids who live in a culture that seems to shame the simplicity of touch and encourages the divides between us?

Touch is such a simple thing, yet the biochemistry of what happens when we touch is fascinating. There's much more that goes into, and I'll go through it more thoroughly in another post but simply put, the process boils down to two hormones, cortisol and oxytocin.

The safer our nervous systems feel, the more oxytocin is released. The more we feel distressed or unsafe, the more cortisol is introduced into our system.

As our mammalian bodies come into contact with another unthreatening warm body, signals from the point of touch are sent to our brains releasing a myriad of sensations and hormones into the system, mainly serotonin and oxytocin. These hormones make us feel good, they make us feel connected to others and increase our resistance to all kinds of things such as illness, stress, and mental agitation, aka the crazies.

Today, we thankfully aren't getting chased by lions, tigers, or bears, and yet in some ways, it would be better if we were. Our primal ancestors lived relatively peaceful lives and experienced distinct moments of tension, such as a sudden movement in the brush, or active stress such as a hunt or attack from an enemy. Unlike our modern lifestyle which pit us against the constant doom and gloom of the media, bills that need to be paid, tps reports that need to be filed, and dating apps that create wonder and worry about what our partners are really doing.

These stresses create an internal ecosystem where our bodies are essentially receiving a constant slow drip of adrenalin and cortisol. This slow drip not only physically weakens our immunity and body systems but also affects our emotional landscape and availability to all that life has to offer.

No wonder some of us secretly just want to curl up under the covers with a nice doobie and watch the next season of Fargo.

There is a reason why we feel so good when we go on a run and release endorphins, and the stress of the day. Our bodies yearn to be in a state of relaxed awareness. And while we all can't just jump ship from our responsibilities, move to an island, and have coconuts served to us every hour on the hour, what we can do is intentionally create ways to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and increase the oxytocin in our bodies.

The best way to do this is through connected conscious touch.

I'll share more in depth what I mean by conscious connected touch in a post later this week. But in the meantime, I'd invite you to grab a piece of paper, turn on some chill out music, and write out all the things that cause you stress. Big, small, ugly, and weird.

Often merely by taking the pressures and burdens out of our headspace and putting them down on paper relaxes the tensions they hold over our nervous systems and allows space for more of what's possible.

Stuck or curious to learn more? Feel free to reach out.