The Intimacy Boutique

“sometimes it is hard to remind ourselves that we are holding out for the excitement of the light”

-Women who run with the wolves
by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

This quote could be applied to so many areas of life. For me right now I am struggling with a lot of inflammation and need to change my diet. Sometimes holding out for feeling better in a few months is so hard compared to the desire for a salted caramel dark chocolate ice cream bar right now.

Where are you struggling to hold out for the excitement of the light?

How often do you think about what you want?

Do you let yourself even play the what-if game?

Or do you every so subtly ignore and dismiss those tender and precious instincts?

I realized about twelve years ago I had built my life checking the boxes I thought would make me happy, that society told me would make me happy, but I wasn’t happy. I didn’t even know I wasn’t happy because I was so out of touch with my deeper self. My life looked good on paper and I even had a smile on my face most of the time. I had spent most of my life putting those layers on and went numb and exhausted carrying them around every day. I’m still in the discovery of peeling off the layers, but at least today I know what I want, I know when a desire feels true, and I know how to move towards my desire.

So grateful to have this woman in my life. She celebrated a birthday recently and we got to walk and talk - at a distance. Our walks are a gift to me. There are many things I love about sarah... she’s a seven on the enneagram like I am so we understand each other’s nature, we can have lots of ideas and inspiration, set them down, and loop back around to them again. She is creative and artistic and inspires me through her pursuit of art. She is honest and vulnerable and cares a lot. I’m grateful to have her as a sister.

Graham and I met my parents for an outdoor, masked, picnic for Mother’s Day. As we were leaving I checked in with my mom and asked how she was really feeling with all of it because she and my dad are staying very isolated. She said, “I’m just not feeling my feelings much or I would want to speed into town and go to all the stores!” At least she has the awareness.

There are lots of feelings stirring underneath for most of us - are you letting yourself feel the feelings underneath?

When we slow down and make room things change. I was talking with a client last week and she was asking why is it that I love to go running but never do it? We slowed down and put attention on that part of her that always turns to work and needing to do more and the part that wants to run. She felt where these live in her body, what they feel like, and allowed the sensations of the desire to run to expand and grow bigger. She discovered underneath the part of her that drives her to work all the time is a feeling of not being worthy of how much her clients pay her. We gave room for these feelings and voices and then surrounded them by a grounded, loving parent voice who could hold both of them, but not let either take over. She arrived at the desire to give a whole day to her ID in order to make room for it because it hasn’t had much room in the last five years. I love helping clients find the answers inside themselves.

Grahams new thing is going out on the roof. He asked me if he could take the screen off and go on the roof. So when I helped him do that I went out on the roof myself. And I remember just how fun it is! So often it’s the little things that bring us pleasure.

What’s bringing you pleasure?

I keep feeling stuck. And there’s so much advice out there for how to get unstuck. Wondering if we all need to sit in the stuck instead. I know there is something for me to learn here.

Finally slowing down to feel it. During this spaciousness and slowness of this time at home I’ve felt and heard from others that so many things we have wanted have been coming in. We have finally slowed down enough to receive them.