School Wellbeing Solutions

Toxic Positivity ≠ Leadership

Telling someone who’s drowning, “You’re gonna be fine—just keep swimming,” doesn’t help.

It invalidates.
It isolates.
It ignores real pain.

Toxic positivity is the urge to gloss over someone’s struggle so you can feel okay.

But real leadership isn’t about skipping past pain—it’s about being present with it.

💡 Leadership truths to live by:
🟢 People don’t need a pep talk.
🟢 They need to feel heard.
🟢 Healing starts when we hold space for what’s real.

Many leaders avoid pain because they feel powerless to fix it.
But here’s the reframe:
👉 You don’t have to make everyone happy.
👉 You don’t have to have all the answers.
👉 Just being there—fully present and compassionate—is enough.

🛑 Phrases to avoid:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Look on the bright side.”
“At least it’s not worse.”
“Just stay positive.”
“You’ll get over it.”

✅ Instead, try:
“That sounds really hard.”
“I’m here with you.”
“You’re not alone.”
Or just silent presence.

That’s how we build trust. That’s how cultures change.
That’s how real leadership begins.

You don't hate anyone.

Even if you think you do.

It’s not about the person—it’s about the emotional reaction they trigger ⚡ in us.

And when we can see 👀 that clearly 👓,

✅ We’re not blaming others for our discomfort
🧠 We’re owning our experience
🗣️ We’re creating space for real dialogue and compassion
🌱 We’re leading from self-awareness, not reactivity

This is one of the most powerful mindset shifts I see in our leadership work.

Instead of “I don’t like that person,” try:

“Something about this dynamic is making me uncomfortable. I wonder why."

That question opens 🚪s to connection, insight, and growth.

Emotional ownership isn’t just personal -- it’s professional.

What’s one mindset shift that’s helped you navigate the discomfort you feel around certain people?

In a world where so much seems bad, it's hard to miss when things actually go well, but most things are good. How do you keep an optimistic viewpoint and is it worth doing?

It's all about the three Ps:
👉 Pervasiveness - do you tend to overgeneralize bad events?
👉 Permanence - do you tend to make bad things more permanent in your head?
👉 Personalization - do you tend to make bad events all about your shortcomings?
Embrace the temporary nature of challenges, see the good as enduring, and each setback as a momentary blip in the grand scheme of your journey.

Life's countless successes outweigh the setbacks.
It's time to cultivate a mindset that acknowledges the exceptions and celebrates the countless things that went well to bring us where we are today.

Before you go to sleep tonight, take a short break to notice if you mentally make good things more permanent and bad things more temporary. That’s the road to building optimism.

What went right in your life today? Let us know in the comments.

I often resisted giving authentic feedback because I was scared of hurting people.

Hurt is often caused by sloppy communication.

Here is one great hack to help me keep feedback kind but effective.

This one is called "THE STORY I'M TELLING MYSELF IS..."

People get offended when they feel judged.

So rather than share a judgment as a fact (e.g. "you're insensitive", "you don't care about work")

TELL the person that you're having a judgment and ask them to either confirm or deny it.

Say...

"The story I'm telling myself is...Is that true?"

Side note, typically what leads to a healthy relationship at work also helps in non-work
relationships. So feel free to try this out with a spouse, child, or anyone else you co-exist with.

Try this out for a while and let me know how it goes.

What other tips do you have for giving feedback without leaving destruction in your wake?

I recently worked with a district where only 19% of personnel felt that administrators valued their opinions.

This led to a significant departure of staff members.

The district carried out exit interviews as part of their off-boarding process.

This approach can often be perceived as disrespectful.

"Where were you BEFORE I quit?"

Conversely, "stay interviews" prove to be effective tools for enhancing employee retention.

By seeking feedback before employees consider leaving, organizations can gain insights into what employees value in their work, areas for improvement, and the support they require.

It is crucial not only to solicit feedback but also to take action based on the received information.

Recognizing and appreciating employees' input, as well as communicating any changes or enhancements made as a result, demonstrates the value placed on their opinions.

"𝐈'𝐦 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐭."

Have you ever heard this as a defensive response to being called out on insensitivity?

Maybe you've even said it.

The issue with honesty is that it's a great thing.

But do you know what else is great?

Knowing how and when to use it.

I'm not advocating being DISHONEST.

I'm just saying, develop ADJACENT STRENGTHS, like empathy, social intelligence, strategy, and kindness.

Honesty is a great thing to have, but don't let it alienate you.

It's a classic case of moderating your strengths.

I'd love to hear: how do YOU balance this superpower?

By the way, have you taken your VIA Institute on Character survey?

STOP ASKING PEOPLE TO BE RESILIENT.

Resilience shouldn’t be a replacement for healthy systems.

You wouldn’t tell a domestic violence victim to “be resilient” and stay with their partner, would you?

So why do we tell employees to “be resilient” and stay with their toxic workplaces?

Resilience is good for one thing: to turbocharge you to create the types of systems where YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE RESILIENT ALL THE TIME.

Resilience is necessary for:

pushing against the ways of doing things the way they’ve always been done.

dealing with the inevitable resistance that comes with organizational change.

dealing with the unavoidable nay-sayers and problem-seekers.

However, it doesn’t replace doing the work of systems-change.

It’s time to stop putting the burden avoiding burnout on the individual.

Wellbeing is a collective goal.

As the U.S. Surgeon General recently wrote in his report on workplace wellbeing, WORKPLACES SHOULD BE ENGINES OF WELLBEING (not merely places that don’t kill their employees).

There is no teacher shortage. There is a shortage of healthy work environments.

And leaders set the tone for what work environments feel like.

A miserable leader makes everyone miserable.

A happy, effective, self-aware, emotionally intelligent leader uplifts others and creates positive, productive workplaces where people want to stay, work, and thrive.

That’s the power of a leader.

Who is a leader you’ve admired that you want to give a shout-out to?

Tag them in the comments!

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Hey there, if you are new to my posts, I am a former teacher and school administrator and now an advocate for K12-employee wellbeing. I focus on Resilience and wellbeing-centered Leadership Programs and coaching. I've spent the last decade distilling impactful & relevant training for teachers' wellbeing & retention.

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