The Intact Child, a Kids On 12th Conversation

Motivation to teach our children a different way:

I don't have the strength to watch. To sit with the violent images in my mind as I attempt to go about my daily routine. Talking, teaching, loving as if nothing is happening, right now, to people just like me.

Maybe I'm not smart enough to understand the long history of hatred that has come before today. Or I'm just not inclined to spend the time, the countless hours it would take to research, The History of Hate.

My empathy is strong and although I can't agree with the actions, I understand violence as a response to anger with connection. YOU hurt ME and the only way out of my anger is to hurt you back.

But violence without kinship makes you a thug. A terrorist without the means to speak truth with words. Without the power to make change, resorting to tantrums like a child with a gun. Your power can only last until your artillery burns out.

You don't know me, yet you hate me. Like my friend with chocolate skin, assumptions are made against me. My olive tone, my name, my features give me away, but do not tell my whole story. You don't know that I'm a teacher, a mother, a friend, a daughter.

I don't know you, yet I feel your hate. Today more than yesterday. Your violence has made me pause, but only for a second. You can't kill us all and I will use your hate to fuel my love and teach my children the strength of resilience, of words, of kindness and of community for those of us who remain to thrive like we have a hundred times before.

Chat #5 Teaching History

I was a young, Jewish student in a small, conservative, Christian town. My science teacher posted bible verses on the blackboard each day, the popular high school football games were blessed by a priest and the history teacher taught World War Two without one mention of the Holocaust or the Jewish people.

In the refusal to teach the full history of the World War, my teacher singled me out as if she had stood me in front of the class as an example of someone to be dismissed. If that actually makes sense to be both singled out and dismissed at the same time. She made me feel that MY history was unimportant and unworthy of being taught in school. By avoiding my history, she didn't avoid discomfort, she created a lifetime of it.

As much as I've worked to increase my self confidence and self worth, I can still feel a twinge of embarrassment, self doubt and, especially now as antisemitism regains traction, I feel fear of hatred when identifying my family history. My Jewishness.

Of course this isn't a complete comparison to growing up black in America. But it is relateable. My skin is still pale and as much as I FEEL different because I grew up different, I can blend in and I know that blend comes with certain privileges that others aren't afforded.

What my experience has taught me, is how vitally important it is to teach history accurately and completely. Denying the horrors of history only serves to perpetuate a lack of understanding.That lack of understanding leads to fear of differences and fear leads to hate. Hate, as we know, leads us to repeating the horrors of history.

So how do we teach young children about human history without causing fear or shame? The same way we teach everything, with honesty and open dialog within the positive relationships where they feel safe.

Not all people are good and kind. Humanity has proven that when we are faced with fear as a society, our collective fight or flight reflexes respond, anger rises to the surface, and we will resort to extreme measures, following the lead of extreme fanatics in order to seek the balance that we crave. Even if those measures are at the expense of those more vulnerable than ourselves.

The only defense we have against history repeating is knowlege and understanding of our ancestors and their experiences. Why they made their decisions, what hardships they faced and what choices they could have made for better, more humane outcomes. Our only defense is to teach our children so they can be wiser and stronger. So they can create balance with care rather than fear.

I wish you all a Junteenth filled with the celebration of freedom that was only possible with an understanding of the past, a recognition of the challenges of our present and the education of our children for the benefit of their future.

As always, feel free to discuss any thoughts about this post in the comments, follow us to see more Intact Child posts and share to include your friends in the conversation.

Love to all,
Sharon

Chat #4 pride

I turned the news on this morning to be greeted by a frantic looking woman yelling, "toddler and pride should never be spoken in the same sentence!" Or something to that effect...

But, really? Is that really what you wanted to say? That your toddler should not feel pride for who they are and in the remakable achievements they make everyday as they learn and grow?

I think I understand what you intended your words to mean, although I'm pretty sure I would disagree, but that's not my point today. What you most likely intended was not what actually came out of your mouth. And your own toddler, if you have one, will take your words at face value. So what are we actually telling our children with our broad, angry declarations and, even more importantly, how will it affect their emotional growth?

This question over individual identity has no business in politics, nor does religion, body autonomy or choice for that matter, but here we are.

These questions, as parents, should be all about our relationships with our own children and the level of acceptance we want them to feel from us. And that, in turn, will affect the kind of relationships they will develop as adults. It will have no impact on their gender identity or sexual preference, that, we cannot control even if you want to.

A parent came to me recently concerned that their 3 year old boy will become confused over their gender identity if we allow them to choose a princess dress from the costume bin rather than something more "gender appropriate" like a bumble bee or super hero costume.

I cannot promise that your child will never feel confused over their identity. He may feel confused about many things during his lifetime and I applaud you for loving him enough to be concerned! I can promise you however, any confusion he may feel over his sexual identity will not be caused by playing with a princess dress anymore than he will be confused that he's really a spider because he likes to dress as spiderman or than his sister may feel she's a boy because she wears blue pants some days instead of pink dresses everyday.

Encouraging exploration when children are young has many benefits to their emotional growth, relationships, academic learning and success in their future goals. A very simple acceptance of choosing a princess dress or knight's armor regardless of gender sends the message that your child has endless options open to them in their lives. Not just about sexual identity, but about everything! A girl feeling the strength of an armor and sword may grow to take on the world in politics. A boy who feels accepted enough to love pink and purple might become a world renowned artist. They may never know their future passions in life if not allowed to safely explore when they're young.

At the base of everything is always relationships. Regardless of your religious or human rights beliefs, your safely accepting relationship with your child will teach them empathy, acceptance, kindness, resilience and strength if that's how they are treated and how they witness you interact with the people around you. Or, you can choose to limit their exploration and express anger and isolation against people with different ideologies and teach your child to be critical, controlling, angry and unkind.

I had to laugh at an article I read against putting a pride t-shirt on a toddler. I recall my own crunchy granola, hippy loving younger self dressing my young boys in tye dye and growing their hair long. I felt an unwelcome but undeniable disappointment when they were old enough to choose their own style and wanted nothing but Nike shoes and Polo button downs. Despite my secret disappointment, I love them unconditionally for who they are, how they dress, who they spend time with and, more importantly than anything else, how they treat others.

Their paths are wide open now as young adults because they know they are loved whether they are gay, straight, bi or still figuring it out. They are loved whether they are artists, chefs, politicians or economists. They are loved whether they wear tye dye or Polo. They are loved. Period.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=706825764784557&id=100063714185033&mibextid=CDWPTG

Chat #3
Relationships based in love.

Teacher appreciation week and mother's day have me thinking about the caregiver relationship.

A mom came to me recently for advice about helping her school-aged child make better choices. He's smart, sweet, and precocious. He doesn't always listen to his parents and teachers and finds himself often in trouble.

I told her a story of a parent and child walking down the street. The parent sees dog p**p on the sidewalk ahead of them and warns the child, "look out, there's dog p**p up ahead!" The child says ok but keeps walking in a straight line. The mom says again, "you're headed right for the dog p**p, watch out!" The child says ok, but keeps walking straight ahead. A few steps later, the child plants his foot directly into the dog p**p.

The child is distraught over having p**py shoes. The parent is frustrated that the child didn't heed the warnings to watch where they were walking. Both may be angry that someone left p**p on the sidewalk in the first place.

And when the child asks, "Why didnt you tell me before I stepped in it?" You might want to lose your cool.

You do not want to join in the child's anger because that reinforces anger as an appropriate response. Nor should you clean the p**p yourself because the child does bare responsibility for stepping in it. However, making the child clean the p**p themselves won't necessarily teach them a lesson in following directions. In fact, taking a hard line can cause them to feel isolated in their big feelings.

Rather, as a loving caregiver, you can give the child a safe place to land with their feelings and support when they make mistakes. The most effective lesson is to empathize with the child as you're helping them clean up and explore, together, a better way next time. And be ready to have the same conversation again and again and again.

The most loving caregiver relationships with children and the best way to support them is to meet them where they are, love them when they fail, and celebrate their achievements as they happen.

The best relationships are the ones based on love and grounded in a safe place to always land, even when they step in p**p!

Appreciation to all of the loving parents, teachers and caregivers.

Sharon and Rich

Chat #2
Kindergarten readiness

In our kindergarten readiness workshop this week, some interesting questions were raised. We talked about the skills needed prior to starting kindergarten, how parents can best support their kindergartener and school-aged student, and how to preserve the fun and innocence of early childhood while also keeping your child on target with the academic expectations of modern day school.

Let's start with skills. Contrary to popular belief, the first skills your young student will need to succeed in school have nothing to do with ABCs and 123s. The first (and more important) skills needed surround school etiquette. Knowing how to act and what's expected in school will help your child feel comfortable and confident in a classroom setting. These are things like, knowing to raise their hand, waiting to be called upon in class, and how to share (not only toys and supplies, but also the teacher's attention). Etiquette includes, for example, being able to win and lose gracefully, and having positive peer group interactions. By mastering these skills, the student develops their ability to empathize and to relate with others. In other words, the student is able to focus outside of themselves. Thus, they become more capable of engaging with the teacher, with other students, and with the academic content, which will improve their ability to learn and their overall school experience.

And this leads us right into how parents can support their school aged children. We use modeling as a teaching strategy in the classroom. Modeling occurs at home, too, whether or not it's intended. There's an old saying, "every child can learn," and it really should be, "every child DOES learn!" Children learn so much from watching what we do and hearing what we say. Sometimes this realization comes when we hear our toddler use a bad word, of which they don't know the meaning (we hope!). OOPS!

We often get to see the results of positive modeling behavior at Ko12 Kids School. Recently, a dispute arose between a few or our elementary school students during an indoor game. What could have turned into yelling, fighting and tears, was amicably resolved between the students, without any adult input. It was gratifying hear these students use "Ko12" words as they advocated for their issue, and to watch them do it in an emotionally responsible way. They had learned how to talk openly and to express their thoughts and feelings about fair play. They demonstrated acceptance of each others feelings and were able to come to a resolution. Then they went on to continue playing the game.

Questioning is another way to support a young learner at home. Someone once said that Socrates never spoke a sentence in his life because everything he said was posed as a question. This is actually another teaching method (The Socratic method). Asking questions that are specific and targeted, rather than broad and generic is a great way to get your child to remember the details of their day. For example, instead of asking, "How was your day?" You might ask a series of specific questions, such as, "Did you see (friend's name) at school today?" "Did you work on anything together?" "Who did you play with today?" "What was your favorite discussion in class?"

Be sure to actively listen and build your next question from their answers. Also, encourage them to ask you questions so you can tell them about your day. In time, your child will learn to pay attention and actively listen when you share your day with them as well. Of course, all of this goes out the window (temporarily) when they become teenagers. But this is a topic for another chat.

How can you support the academics? READ!!! Teaching your child to love reading and stories will help them learn in all subject matters. In the lower elementary grades, children learn to read. From about 3-4th grade, they start reading to learn.

Once they can read on their own, take turns reading out loud and discuss the characters and their adventures. As you read with your child, you can help make the stories come alive! Reading together will be a great source of joy for both you and your child. It will deepen your relationship and create lifelong memories.

Make learning fun and relevant! You can add learning into most daily activities. Having pizza for dinner? Talk about fractions! For example, 1 of 16 slices is 1/16th of the pie. Who ate the most 16ths of the pie? Take walks with your child and point out the geometric shapes of street signs. For instance, What shape is that STOP sign? What letters do we see? What sight words can we find? Walking in a park, you might like to look under rocks and find what the bugs that live there. Take a picture of it and look it up online with them when you get home. You can ask science questions like, "What value does this bug have to the ecosystem?" Even our youngest learners will understand bigger concepts when presented in a real life, fun and relevant way.

Lastly, how do we keep our kids young and fun when they need to also be academically competitive? It is true, kindergarten is almost always full days now and young learners are expected to read and write far younger than in years past. Keep in mind, the concept of The Intact Child. Teaching with the support of the whole child, their body and their emotions first. Only then will they be able to sit still, their motivation and curiosity high and they'll enjoy learning. Once learning is fun, it becomes easier and success and confidence grow.

Do you think your child is not yet ready for kindergarten? Or maybe they are ready but don't meet the age requirement? Consider a small private school such as KO12 Kids School as a soft transition to their learning journey. Small class sizes, lots of support and the The Intact Child teaching method can make all of the difference to starting your child off smart.

Have questions about this or another topic for a chat? Add them to the comments below! Until next time!
Sharon and Rich

Chat # 1
Hello and welcome to The Intact Child!

This page is an interactive conversation between me and you (parents and educators in our community). We will explore questions and brainstorm ideas about how to support the hearts, minds, and body of the children we love. Our mutual cause is to develop and maintain positive relationships so that children can enjoy a successful journey through school and in life.

About your host: My name is Sharon! Although I was educated at University of Delaware, I believe my experience has taught me far more than what can be learned in a classroom. I am an imperfect mother to 2 smart, amazing (and also imperfect) boys who tested my parenting at every step. It was a journey that became the basis for Founding Kids On 12th in 2007, a place where every child is safe to be who they are, to express themselves verbally, physically and emotionally without fear of punitive reprisal or loss of the loving relationship.

That's not to say that as adults we don't get angry, but we can do so with the backing of a positive relationship with each child so they understand that anger is normal and natural and can be expressed in a way that is full of love and promotes growth. This is what I learned the hard way as my boys struggled through school, friendships and challenging behaviors.

"The Intact Child" refers to building specific daily activities that support the whole child including; their bodies, their minds and their emotions with their relationships to primary adults (parents and teachers) as the core. The Kids On 12th teaching method was built on this concept and can easily be extended to the home as well as classrooms with children of all ages. At it's base, the Kids On 12th, Intact Child teaching method is built by using traditional core curriculum learning around a schedule that alternates periods of play and structure in short increments throughout the day, everyday. With this very simple idea, we have found that students learn academic concepts faster, make and maintain friends easier, learn effective language skills and have better self management of their own behavior.

Throughout this page, we'll review real life situations in the home and classroom that can be handled from the Intact Child perspective. We'll break down common practices that may not work for every child (or even most children), like traditional time outs or punishment, and replace them with new ideas that are intended to not only calm an immediate stressful situation, but also build the relationship with the child, create a new learning opportunity for the child so they may learn how to relate and regulate their own behavior as they grow and mature.

Feel free to post questions, comments or ideas! I will make weekly posts with a new real life situation each week that has presented itself in our school or in the comments and we can work together to support The Intact Child.