Understanding Ear with Vanessa Cardenas

10/07/2026

My Oxford Talks is officially live.

The Conversations We Stop Having: How Relationships Quietly Reorganize Themselves Around What Goes Unsaid



We don't stop talking. We talk about logistics, schedules, kids, work.

We stop saying the things that matter; the disappointment, the loneliness, the question we're afraid to ask.

And without realizing it, the relationship reorganizes itself around that silence.

This is the work I was sitting inside yesterday while the talk was going live…which felt fitting.

Watch the full talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGXUB6UkSso

What conversation have you been almost having?

A husband sat in Vanessa Cardenas's office and whispered, "I'm actu...

10/04/2026

I met Vanessa Cardenas at one of the most devastating times of my life and I was spiraling.She helped me to navigate all of the confusion and somehow made me feel as if she was walking through it with me. She definitely has a rare gift for what she does!Thank you Vanessa!!!

09/26/2026

As the nor'easter settles in over the East Coast and we are all hunkering down, I wanted to share my newest blog:

The Gold in the Crack: When a Relationship Can't Go Back.

It starts with a piece in my Peekskill office, Between Us by David Popa.

It was a gift from a couple I worked with after our work together. Two figures face each other across a fracture in the ice, with a line of gold running through the space between them.

Popa drew inspiration from kintsugi, the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold.

What I love is that he did not make the crack disappear. It is still visible. The gold is right there, between them.

That is how I see a Relationship Reset. I don't believe the goal is to erase what happened or to get your old marriage back.

Something wasn't working there, and we have information now we didn't have before. The more useful question is: Who are you going to be now?

If you have a quiet moment while the wind does its thing outside, I would be honored if you read it:

https://understandingear.com/post/the-gold-in-the-crack

I would love to know what stayed with you.

09/25/2026

THE CONVERSATIONS
WE STOP HAVING

SEPTEMBER 29

09/21/2026

There are moments when you look at yourself and realize something has changed.

Not because everything suddenly feels different.

Because lasting, incremental change rarely announces itself while it’s happening. It happens over time, sometimes at a snail’s pace, until one day you can finally see what has been taking shape.

I’ve spent years talking about the conversations people avoid. The truths we resist. The moments when we have to decide whether we’re going to keep repeating what we know or step into what comes next.

Apparently, that applies to me too.

This photo was taken in a dressing room before I stepped in front of the cameras for something I haven’t been able to share yet.

Soon, I finally can.

And yes, I’m ready.

09/16/2026

Some conversations change everything.

Last week, I asked a question:

What are you protecting by not having that conversation?

Today, I can finally tell you why that question has been so present for me.

I recently had the opportunity to bring this conversation to Harvard University.

I spoke about something I have seen repeatedly in my work with couples, and something I understand personally:

What we avoid does not disappear.

It shapes the relationship.

It changes what we say. What we stop saying. What we assume. What we tolerate. How close we allow ourselves to get.

Sometimes a couple tells me they are communicating better because they are fighting less.

Then we look closer.

They haven't necessarily resolved the conflict.

They've learned how to avoid it.

And there is a cost to that kind of peace.

This talk came from years of sitting across from people who still love each other, but have become very good at living around the conversations they don't know how to have.

Soon, I'll be able to share the full talk with you.

For now, this is the part I've been waiting to tell you:

That conversation took me to Harvard.

And I can't wait to show you where it goes next.

Vanessa

09/14/2026

Sometimes the conversation we avoid is the one quietly shaping the relationship.

You tell yourself it isn’t the right time.

You don’t want another argument.

You’re not sure how they’ll respond.

So you leave it alone.

Except it doesn’t really stay alone.

It starts showing up in the distance between you. In the assumptions you make. In the things you stop asking because you think you already know the answer.

Avoidance can feel safer in the moment.

But eventually, there’s a cost to protecting the peace when the peace isn’t actually there.

What conversation have you been living around?

09/11/2026

There is usually a reason we avoid the conversation.

We are afraid of the answer.
Afraid of the reaction.
Afraid that saying it out loud will change something we are not sure we are ready to change.

So we wait.

We tell ourselves it isn't the right time. We try to keep the peace. We truly hope the issue will become less important asmore time passes.

But sometimes the relationship begins changing anyway.

Simply becuase of all the ways you've learned to live around it.

Before another week passes, consider this:

What are you not saying because you're afraid of what happens after you say it?

I've been working on something very close to this idea.

I'll share more soon.

09/09/2026

Sometimes the arguing stops because something has been resolved.

Sometimes it stops because someone has stopped bringing it up.

Those are not the same thing.

I see this with couples who tell me, “Actually, things have been pretty calm lately.”

Then we start talking.

They aren’t fighting because they have learned which subjects not to touch. One person keeps more to themselves. The other assumes the quiet means things are improving.

Meanwhile, they are becoming more careful with each other and less connected to each other.

The absence of conflict can feel like relief.

But I’m more interested in what the quiet is telling us.

07/10/2026

Update: If you check out Mrs. Cardenas you will find her growing and giving so much of herself. It is rare to find a truest heart in a sea of many, but I can definitely say that she is one. If you need navigation through betrayal, one of life's most devastating storms, this beautiful heart is the one to guide you. You'll see....--------------------Mrs. Cardenas makes a difference. She is down to earth, so kind and very generous with her time, knowledge and free resources on her website. She gives comfort and inspires hope when it seems hard to find it.I cannot recommend her enough. I can promise you will not regret it!!!