11/14/2024
Hurting people hurt people! This is one of my life coaching "10 commandments." Even though we might know this, in the moment, when someone wrongs us, it still stings or hurts. Is it just me or does it seem like there are more hurting, angry, resentful, and bitter people in the world these days?
Like many of you, I was raised to "turn the other cheek." To "show kindness and grace" to those who are mean, spiteful, and petty. To "be respectful" and to "be the bigger person" by not stooping to their level and/ or retaliating in-kind.
Being honest and transparent, it gets harder to do that as I age. My tolerance and willingness to except rude, mean, and petty people is gone. It seems as though I am meeting more unhealthy, self-centered, unhappy, and down right mean-spirited people. You know, the ones who smile at you, and then stab you in the back. Or the two faced ones, you know, the ones who smile at you at church, and then gossip about you because of their own insecurities. Or the ones who when seeing you, dismiss you with a distainful look. And dont forget about the ones who actually meet in private to discuss how to undermine you and strategize your demise because of their own fear and insecurities.
I'm thankful for the therapy I received in my mid-30's. It was then that I first learned the importance of and how to set healthy boundaries with myself and others. Until then, I was trying to live in such a way to be liked by everyone, which was actually very unhealthy, creating drama and quite honestly, was exhausting to maintain. I wasn't being authentic to myself therefore, nobody, including myself, truly knew who I was.
Since then, what I've learned in the past 20 years is that most often, adult friend groups are formed around personality traits. We want to believe it's around something like hobbies, geography, where we live, or similar ages, but in reality, it's not. On the one hand there are people who exude love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. On the other hand are those who exude bitterness, misery, strife, intolerance, meanness, malign intentions, faithlessness, spitefulness, and who are capricious. It's been a painful lesson to learn because I approach everyone as if they are in the first group. That is just who I am, and despite what life experiences have shown me, I remain eternally optimistic. I refuse to let a capricious person "steal my joy." That being said, as an empath, it still hurts. I feel wounded. And as they wander off to go find their next victim, I'm left to do the personal work to negate their hurtful impact. Hence, this article. Itâs much like a hurricane. A hurricane destroys without prejudice. It doesnât care about your age, your s*x, your color, or your status. If you're in their way, their goal is to destroy you using any means possible, including recruiting other's. I choose to believe that is why they give hurricane human names; to remind us the damage we as humans can inflict on others. By now, we all know that old saying, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is a BIG FAT LIE!
In my early 30's, I learned a valuable truth. It was the Law of Attraction. Bitter people attract bitter people. Spiteful people attract spiteful people. Sarcastic people attract sarcastic people. Rude people attract rude people. Angry people attract angry people. And the opposite is also true.
From birth, we are hardwired for connection. We spend the rest of our lives seeking to connect. We seek affirmation and validation, first from our parents, then our siblings, and then from others. Our entire lives, we are essentially looking for our tribe. From the outside, my tribe makes no sense. My TRUE friends are all ages, s*xual identity, colors, sizes, and economic circumstances. My circle is small on purpose. I'm intentionally looking for others who, like myself, are on a personal journey of becoming the best version of themselves. People who are on their own journey of authenticity. People who are kind and who understand grace and who are quick to forgive rather than hold grudges. People who look for opportunities to support others and encourage others. People who celebrate others successes. People who want to be real.
Years ago, I came to the realization that I dont NEED more friends. More friends aren't better, or even an accurate indicator of who I am as a person. So many people today are friend collectors. Beginning with MySpace and Facebook, social media has people believing that their sense of self worth is determined by the number of friends/ followers when, in reality, nothing could be further from the truth. When evaluating who I want as friends, I look at their actions over a period of time. I observe how they treat me. I observe how they treat other people. I observe how they react to adversity. I listen to what they say about others. Most everyone can fake being nice. In fact, most adults are professional actors in this regard. Haven't you noticed that some of the most mean and cruel people first appear as nice? Overtime, their actions speak louder than their words and their true self is revealed.
If you made it this far reading, my words have obviously struck a nerve in you. Perhaps, this is what you needed to hear. Perhaps, this is how you feel as well. I hope reading this has an encouragement to you. An encouragement to reevaluate who you surround yourself with and who has direct access to your greatest treasure; your heart and mind. A reminder that, when it comes to friends, quality over quantity is always better. A reminder that while very few people will meet your friendships standards, be nice and respectful, humble and kind to everyone. Remember, that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will NEVER forget how you made them feel.
