The Vulnerable Mom

Sometimes, you just can’t explain it or you think you’re alone. This author puts into words what I think a lot of us can relate to. She affirms that I am not alone in many of the things I’ve thought and felt over the last ten years and that I’m not alone in bad mom for feeling this way. Motherhood is HARD…..your encouragement and affirmation might be just what someone else needs today….l

This is for all the moms in their 40s who put their careers on hold to do the SAHM thing because you knew you couldn't do both—career you loved and motherhood—and do both WELL, so you picked, saying to yourself "this is just for now and we'll see."
But now it's 15 years later and so much has changed in your career field that you know you can't go back. So really, when you "took a break" all those years ago, you gave it up.

And yes, you know you're supposed to be grateful -- you got years upon years with your kids and so many moms would have given anything to have had that choice. You know you were lucky. You ARE lucky. And you're (probably) glad you did it the way you did.

Or maybe you didn't have a choice because childcare was too expensive to justify working or maybe your child has special needs that required you to stay home. Whatever your path or reason, here you are, and here you've been for a long time.

Because now the kids are in school full time and you have hours to think about... what's next? What does the rest of your life look like? Will you ever have a career? What on earth would a "career" be for you right now? You're the default parent -- you've been the default parent since the beginning. So if anyone gets sick or needs to go to the orthodontist or there's a snow day or a half day or parent-teacher conferences is in the middle of the day.... that's on you. It will always be on you.

And all the after school stuff that starts at like 3:00? That's your job too—the school pick up and practices and taking this one here and picking that one up from there... yep, all you.

Okay, so you're looking for a "career" with part-time hours and a 100% flexible schedule because you're still Mom-on-duty but you do have *just* enough hours during the day to reflect on the fact that you *do* have a college degree (maybe even 2) and although being a mom is the greatest and most important job in the world, you *might* actually want something more to your life than folding laundry and running hangry children to 900 events and remembering that they're all due for dental cleanings.

Oh, and for funsies, while you're trying to figure out who and what you are at this transitional, prone-to-crisis period in your life, your body is doing whatever the hell our bodies do in our 40s. Nothing fits anymore. You're always sweating or freezing. And the grays! So many grays. But it's okay because body positivity! And self-worth! And self-care! You tell yourself these words and phrases but what does that all mean?

So you look at yourself in the mirror and sometimes don't even know who it is looking back at you. What are you going to be when they're all grown up? Who will you be?

But for now, you cram yourself into the only pair of jeans you have right now that fit and find a t-shirt on the floor that isn't clean but isn't dirty and will pass for the 4 hours of mom-taxiing you're about to do and you tell yourself, "I'll figure it out another day. Right now, I gotta get the kids to practice."

You throw your hair into a topknot (do moms still wear topknots? Whatever. This mom does.) And off you go.

This is for all the moms who identify with this story. I know there are a lot of you because you're my neighbors, my sisters, my friends, my colleagues, the moms at school pickup, the moms at church, the moms I see walking their dog at noon, just like me, listening to a podcast, trying to find a sense of purpose and a sense of identity again, after years of being snack-getter and diaper-changer.

I see you. I am you. You're not alone

*Shared with permission from The 21st Century SAHM

A Japanese woman carrying her children in a bucket on her head, Japan 1900s.

Disney’s Animal Kingdom update!

Here’s a look back to an early women’s self defense instructional video to 1933. While nowadays there’s a wide variety of self defense techniques and programs for women this video provides a glimpse into early techniques for women nearly a century ago. Video credit: British Pathe archive #history #1930s #womensselfdefense #didyouknow #martialarts #1930sstyle #throwback #retro #vintage #oldschool #historyfacts #historylovers

Very cool…..I think my Dad would like this…

“Carol of the Bells” just hits different when a bass sings it. Full vid at the #linkinbio

So true, and something I am forever guilty of…..The part where she admits that she has built up the memory in her mind to more than what it ever was resonates with me, because I think I do that, too, and the. Wonder why I am never satisfied. It’s not just about being in the moment, I guess, but about letting the moment be the moment, not a recreation of my real and imagined memories. After all, some of our best experiences are the unplanned, spur of the moment times that we end up spending with each other, when we allow ourselves to accept the unexpected…..

Hope you are having a restful weekend and get to grasp a few unexpected moments of joy and bonding…..

💜Jenny
The Vulnerable Mom

A few days ago, while talking to one of my college-aged daughters, I mentioned how excited I was to decorate the house as a family. "I'm glad we can keep that tradition going!" I said cheerily.

"Yeah, me too. Do you think we'll be done by 1, because my friends are going to meet up for lunch, and then I wanted to go shopping with G,, and then someone is hosting a party that night."

"Sure, whatever," I said. I was tired from a long week, but I was also a little hurt. I knew my daughter would want to spend time with her friends--many she hadn't seen since summer--but her words still stung a little bit.

The rest of our conversation felt a little terse and uncomfortable. I tried my best, and I'm not even sure if she noticed, but I was ready to get off the phone.

I knew this was coming, my desire to spend time with her and her desire to see her people, but it still hurt. And I've been carrying it with me this entire week. I've felt a little snappish, a little anxious, a little annoyed with everyone and everything.

Yesterday, as I took my morning walk and listened to a book (Build the Life You Want, the Power of Metacognition by Arthur Brooks with commentary by Oprah), I heard a line that (literally) stopped me in my tracks.

"Feel the feel, then take the wheel." It's nothing new, and I talk about it all the time. Our emotions are signals that something is going on, and it's our job to respond to them appropriately, but this is often harder than it sounds. And sometimes, no matter how hard I work, I forget.

The truth was, I was feeling ALL the feels, but I had been sitting with them, turning them over and over, letting them simmer like a chili that was going to be over the top spicy and may explode up onto the ceiling.

I didn't want that. When my kids come home, I want to enjoy every second I have with them.

I needed to feel the feel, then take the wheel.

So, I finished my walk, headed down to the basement, and started pulling out all my holiday decorations. I put the trinkets throughout the house and hung up some bows. I switched out my wreaths. I put up my Christmas tree and turned on the lights. And then, I set out all the ornament boxes on the dining room table ready for my three daughters' arrival later this week.

The truth is, they don't usually help with ALL the decorating ever. We typically do the tree together, and even then, they start to fade out at the end. I created a false narrative in my head because I wanted them to be home and enjoy what I wanted to do. Parenting doesn't always work like that.

Now, they'll walk in and see all their favorites, and we can tackle the best part together, and then my kids can do some things that are just for them--as it should be.

I texted my daughter late last night, saying, "The house is ready for you to come home, and the tree is ready to decorate!"

She responded: "OMG, I can't wait to come home!"

Which is all we really want to hear as parents.

Last night, I sat with a cup of cocoa and looked up at Mrs. Clause, who is almost as old as I am. She sat on my Mom's mantle for so long watching me come and go, and now she sits eyeing my life with teens. I hope she's proud.

Feel the feel with your teens and young adults this holiday season. Then take the wheel and put your energy into creating moments you can enjoy instead of stewing about how things have changed.

This is how we love hard.

xoxo,
Whitney

FUDRAISER FOR SCHOLARSHIPS!!!!

Mark your calendar, November 16th we will have our first fundraiser of the season! Bowling at Boardwalk Bowl, 7pm. Fee covers shoes and 2 hours of bowling. EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO COME!!! Bring your family, bring a friend, but please register/RSVP no later than October 30th.

Visit https://infinitypercussion.org/product/bowling-fundraiser-2024/ to RSVP today!

More wisdom from Whitney Fleming Writes….

I spent most of the day yesterday doing things for my teenagers.

We set up college tours and filled out forms. We ordered uniforms for soccer and set up an automatic deposit for a part-time job.

We ran to Target (twice) so we could get some organizational stuff and hair products and socks. We got boba tea.

I filled out registration forms for school for next year and set up a sports physical and made sure they had the right info for the ACT this weekend.

We negotiated who got the car and who needed a ride and who was going hammocking and who was staying home to eat dinner.

It was a good day. It was an exhausting day. It was full.

So, when my youngest decided at 9:15 p.m. that she wanted to bake a cake and asked if I wanted to help, my first instinct was to say have fun and head off to bed.

But as I was gathering up my things, my second daughter came downstairs and sat next to me. And then my third.

Before I knew it, there was music playing and laughter and someone made a decision to make green frosting. In a flash, it was 11:30 p.m. and we were all full from cake. We talked about some big issues like prejudices and how I was raised in a more conservative household. We talked about some little issues like some divisiveness at school. We discussed how boxed cakes are awesome and what college is like and hopes and dreams for our futures.

I almost missed it.

I almost missed it as I thought we spent the day together and what was there left to say and what left was there to do.

But those things were must-dos, they were items on a check list and on my terms. And I need to remember that even though the bulk of the day I did things for my kids, the parenting gold is when they ask you to do something with them.

That is the sign they're letting you into their world, their comfort zone.

When your teen asks you to do something with you, do it. Don't hesitate.

Listen to the crazy music. Watch the movie they've been dying to see. Learn about the weird technology. Listen to their opinions about issues. Play the video game. Bake the cake--even when it's late.

We all spend a lot of time watching our kids do what they love from the outside, but we still need to work hard to wiggle into the inside.

We make all the rules, so they want to dictate their world a little bit, so when they let you in, don't miss it.

Even if you're a little tired because of it the next day.

Love hard.

Whitney Fleming Writes
*Repost but it's one of my faves!

Here’s one for the grandparents…..😂

How Children perceive their grandparents.
1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 68. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE. IF THEY'RE NOT ALREADY GRANDPARENTS, MAYBE SOME DAY THEY'LL GET LUCKY AND BECOME ONE!
IT MIGHT JUST MAKE THEIR DAY!