Radiance of the Soul

www.michellemaddencoaching.org

Your relationship with your kids comes first. It's more important than the grades on their report card or the expectations that you think they need to meet. Their mental and emotional well-being is a bigger predictor or their overall success in life than what you may see on paper. Adjust expectations accordingly, especially during and in the aftermath of a pandemic.

The Power of the Pause
(the value in responding rather than reacting)

The irritation began to bubble up inside. Not again, not now, I thought. I sighed as I absorbed yet another mean email from someone who routinely does this. My first inclination about how to respond is not pretty and would probably land me on unemployment. Yeah, not today, I decide. I take multiple deep breaths and step away from the computer. Yet again, I am being accused of doing something because someone else is confused. I remember that I have choices. Over the years I have learned that, at times, I deliberately do not respond to something upsetting for 24 hours. It gives someone else time to cool down and gives me time to gain perspective and approach it from a calm and productive perspective. At times, I have had to stop conversations or meetings to be resumed at a later point when people are calm. When people are screaming on the phone or via email, it’s time to ask them to come in for a meeting, usually the next day or so. I pondered what to do in this case. After about an hour, I decided to calmly state the facts and attached the documentation. Then I recognized how confusing and challenging this can all be. I thanked her for hanging in there with me.
How do I want to respond? As a victim? In anger? To what end? Is the anger really directed at me or is it more a function of the other person’s frustration? I can choose to take this personally or look at it as an issue to be solved. I get to decide how much I let this upset me, or not. Today, I choose my own emotional well-being.

www.michellemaddencoaching.org/new-blog-1/2021/3/18/tylers-death-left-me-reeling

www.michellemaddencoaching.org

Compassion in the Classroom

A few years ago I had a talented student who was struggling with behavior in the classroom. Academically, he was fine. He had a temper. Outbursts that started with yelling at a teacher could include throwing things and knocking over furniture. From what I knew of his life at home, it was not easy. He had a loving parent at home, but poverty was taking a toll. There was often no money for food or gas. The amazing team of teachers with whom I worked kept supplies of healthy snacks in their closets for him. Underneath the hard exterior was a beautiful heart. You just had to get to know him.

One day, we were told my administration that something horrific had happened at home. We were told that it was the worst thing our supervisor could imagine happening to a family. Our goal was to help him know that school was a safe space for him and to give him the time and space he needed to process.

He came in visibly upset. For the first week, we asked not one thing of him. I told him that I understood that he was going through something hard. I invited him to find a comfortable spot in the classroom and just be. After a few days, I saw him start to show interest in what was happening around him. I had him playing chess during class unstructured time. When I saw the spark, I would invite him to come over and sit with us - no pressure to do any of the work. After a couple of days of him sitting with us voluntarily, I invited him to engage in discussions. One day, I stuck a book in front of him and asked him to humor me and pretend to read if he had to do so, as the rest of the people around him were working. I said this in a very even, calm tone. When that was going well, I asked him to participate with a peer to complete an assignment. I next asked him to think about what was reasonable for him to do in a class period. Before we knew it, he was completing work on his own without prompting. When kids’ lives feel out-of-control, any input that we can give them about their day increases their buy-in, which is crucial to their overall commitment and success.

What was interesting to watch were the reactions. One substitute teacher, who had a lot of opinions, was horrified. How could we let academics slide for even a little bit? What about his test scores? What about the fact that our jobs are evaluated based on student performance? This particular substitute had a tough time with him and ended up in power struggles where she was the one who lost her cool. She did not last long.

What he needed was some emotional co-regulation and problem-solving. What does he need at this time? What is getting in his way? Is it important that he learns the concept or that he completes a certain required number of problems/exercises? The teachers who understood child development and trauma immediately understood and rallied to his support.

This kid was in a fragile state and I can tell you from experience that, had his teachers pushed him to complete x, y,z in a certain amount of time and not relieved the pressure, it would not have ended well. We spent time forming a connection with him and letting him know we cared. It made all the difference for him, and within about a month, he was back into the swing of things. He still had his triggers, but it was important to not take any of it personally and recognize it for what it was. We could help him see his triggers and manage them, which is definitely the way to go. Punishment accomplishes nothing in the long run. Connecting, inquiring, and problem-solving make all the difference in the world in the life of a person, especially the young hearts that are in our care .

What would love do? I ask myself this when responding to difficult situations each day. Recently, I have been struggling to help several students who are not doing well with online learning. Despite having tried a number of things (alarms, chat notifications, color-blocked schedules, emails home etc.), I have a handful who seem to sporadically remember to come to class (pull-out sessions that are not part of the program for most of the kids).
Many of them just do not handle the time transitions well, and with all of the varied times for my classes throughout a hybrid week, it's been particularly tough. They get lost in other assignments during independent work most of the time and forget to attend. The one thing that has been working is to offer them time to come at 3:00. They can check-in and get caught up on what they missed, get individual help, and I can see what assignments are missing in their other classes.
I have noticed that several of them, while seemingly unable to get to my class, can remember to show up at 3:00. For this I am grateful. It shows me that they want to do well and be responsible. they are either overwhelmed by distance learning, or truly have executive functioning issues that are getting in the way of their success.
It was time for parent conferences last week. I had to think about how to handle this. Anger threats, and punishment do not work in the long term, nor are they advisable. I gave that up a long time ago. Kids can't learn if their brains are in fear mode, and will be less receptive to learning if they are in a state of anger at the teacher. Relationships matter.
It's now March. Instead of getting upset with them, I chose to treat them with kindness and compassion. I told them that I understood how difficult all of this is this crazy year, and that I know they want to do well. I said that I preferred to focus on what is going WELL and praised them for showing up at 3:00 to get caught up on what they miss. I expressed appreciation and told them I recognized their efforts. It's no bother to me, as I am on the clock until 4:00 anyway.
After the conferences, the young homeroom teacher told me that she loved my energy in the conferences. These kids are trying, these parents are trying, and the teachers are trying. We need to give each other a lot of grace right now. We are dealing with families trying to manage online learning while working. Kids are stressed, often having to tend to siblings while the parents work. Kids are depressed. They miss their friends.
This is time for cooperation, problem-solving, and compassion. It goes a long way and teaches kids they're allowed to be human. Opening our hearts has never been more important than right now.

New Blog. Website is under construction, but let's get this going!
Family is such a complicated topic for me. I have adoptive family, biological family, some obligatory family, and chosen family. Many of us have step-parents and siblings, along with in-laws. Family is wonderful, challenging, complicated, and messy. What defines family for you? Is it a given title, or is it earned? What do we owe people? What if they abused us? I ponder these things all of the time, and the only conclusion that I have come to is that it is up to us to determine who belongs in our lives and why.
Growing up adopted, I was not allowed to know anything of my biological background. For me, it was infuriating and interfered with my developing sense of self and identity. My father told me that this is my only family and that is how I should think of it. For some people, that might work. Looking different and feeling different had me wondering about my roots. It was especially tough during adolescence. Most of my young life (before I was 26) I looked around constantly wherever I went, wondering if there was another face that looked like me. I looked in the hallways at school. Could I be related to anyone there? I scanned faces in the mall. I was terrified of dating a sibling. I was very ashamed of these feelings. How could I feel like this when I have a family? Little did I know, many of us wonder.
Who knew to whom I could be related? My father was a huge bigot. He had something to say and a stereotype about everyone. What he had to say about people of color makes me cringe to this day. He did not consider anyone of color his equal. I was instructed to NEVER bring a Black boy home to meet my parents. One day, while he was on a typical rampage, he started in on Europeans, calling them dirty and greasy. I somehow suspected that maybe my origins were somewhere in this mess and that he was insulting me, too. The problem obviously was not anyone else. It was him. No one else was acceptable. Little did he know how that hit my self-esteem. I remember being so offended by how he viewed and treated others. I made a decision to live differently.
What if my birth mother was a pr******te? Drug addicted? Homeless? A rich princess? Black? Hispanic? Poor? Mentally ill? I wondered what I carried in my blood and what I would be passing on if I had kids. How would I feel about all these scenarios? About that time, Oprah had a show on about race. I was always busy after school and rarely got to watch her show, so it is interesting that this episode I was able to see. She pointed out that 10% of white people have black roots (this was decades ago) and are not aware of it. I wondered if that was my case. What would I do about it given the environment in which I was raised? If I had a wish that could be granted, it would be that everyone spends time with people who seem so vastly different. I think people would be surprised at the commonalities. After thinking about it, I knew I would accept any other race with pride, albeit still in fear of overstepping a line and being abandoned again.
For decades, I reflected on this and learned everything I could about people. I spent time getting to know older women, as if that would give me some clue as to why someone would give away a baby. What was wrong with me??? I spent time at the dining hall for the homeless and observed as I volunteered. I found out that some of them were college-educated people who had just lost their jobs. I saw mothers with children who had no other support. I saw people who were unwell and needed mental health services. I saw people for whom the education system had not been effective. I saw people with the same wants and needs as I.
As a teacher, I worked in a variety of settings and really got to know people. I worked in an inner-city public school, a private school for the wealthy that was a feeder to boarding schools, a private school for wealthy families with children with learning disabilities, and at a public charter school in the city. There were people who drove Porsches who were pedophiles and/or accused of r**e. There were grandmothers who were dirt poor, raising grandchildren, who called regularly asking for more practice or whatever they could do at home to support their kids in school. I saw a wealthy family in which the parents were never home and available. Mom was constantly traveling for fun and the minor child was left to the care of the housekeeper. I heard stories of her finally taking him on a vacation with her, only to leave him in the house alone for hours while she was at the yoga studio. The neighbors fortunately took him with them during these times. Who is the better parent? The one with money, or the one who is attentive? Why do we correlate money with better psychological circumstances? Surely, it helps level the playing field, but does not determine character.
If she had been a pr******te, I think it would have been a measure of survival. I learned about drug addiction and common theme of childhood trauma. I learned that so many homeless people need mental health supports. I once saw a study stating that many have had a history of head trauma. I had learned about wealthy people. At the core, they are not that different. They too, have marital struggles, work problems, health issues, and problems with their children. I got to know people of color and started really listening to what they had to say. Spending time putting myself in the shoes of others to the degree that I can, I began to see through the eyes of compassion and love for all people. I could deal with all those things with compassion. I can honor their truths and dignity.
Later in life, I found out the truth of my origins, which brought a lot of grounding and healing. I no longer felt like an alien dropped at their door from out of nowhere. I found some beautiful people and some traumas, just like everyone else. My adoptive family has never been a fan of my search for answers. I think we need to be flexible in our definition of family. Is family only my adoptive family? Yes, they housed me, raised me, and loved me to the best of their ability. I love them to the best of mine. There was also alcoholism and various types of abuse committed there. Are my genetic ties considered family, even thought they were legally severed? Each adopted person feels differently. Some are thrilled that they did not grow up with their biological families, and some wish they had. It impacted me the most as an adult every damn time I go to the doctor’s office. I am reminded of what I do not know. (There was a time when that information was critical to me in a medical crisis.) Is my family the members by marriage and partnerships the people that I love as well as the people that I am best served by keeping a distance? Or is family the precious group of friends (and family) that make up my social network and support system? I would posit all of them, with as much grace as we can give.
Through it all, I have to give myself permission to feel how I feel, even when I want to stop this wild ride with some and get out of that seat. I spent a lot of time hearing and seeing that adopted people should always be grateful. I am, and I’m not. Why are we shamed for having human emotions that are perfectly reasonable given our individual situations? I have spent a lot of time in Al-Anon rooms, where people who were not adopted had a variety of feelings around family. Some can admit their true feelings only in the environment of non-judgment. This all circles back to what love looks like and what forgiveness is, and how that all fits in to our narrative. All I know for myself is that I work every day to make a choice to live with my heart as open as I can, to be as honest as I can, and to give myself a break for being human. For me, my answer is that family is complicated. There are those with whom I choose to spend my time, even if we are not related, and those with whom I feel obligated to acknowledge, but limit my time. There are no absolutes, which is beautiful and gut-wrenching all at the same time. I have to say that overall I feel so very blessed.

I got sidelined for a bit, but time to get back on track. I’ll continue on with my boldness posts. 😀
Day 5 of boldness:
I posted something personal online in order to shed light on an issue. I survived!
What is your bold move today?

Boldness day 4: went live for my first workshop. 😊

6 Week Series on Keys to Improving Happiness starts tomorrow at 8:00 p.m. Can’t wait to see everyone. ❤️

Michelle Madden is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: Michelle Madden's Personal Meeting Room

Join Zoom Meeting
https://zoom.us/j/2912094815

One tap mobile
+16465588665,,2912094815 # US (New York)
+14086380986,,2912094815 # US (San Jose)

Dial by your location
+1 646 558 8665 US (New York)
+1 408 638 0986 US (San Jose)
Meeting ID: 291 209 4815
Find your local number: https://zoom.us/u/adwBs5H1XM

Video Conferencing, Web Conferencing, Webinars, Screen Sharing Zoom is the leader in modern enterprise video communications, with an easy, reliable cloud platform for video and audio conferencing, chat, and webinars across mobile, desktop, and room systems. Zoom Rooms is the original software-based conference room solution used around the world in board, confer...