Red & Green Learning

Am I Responsible for the Dynamic in My Class?

My name is Sarah. I’m in 9th grade. I am charismatic, friendly, charming, talented, smart, creative, a great student—and quite popular.

Because of my positive qualities, I have power.

In the past, I’ve been blamed for taking a peaceful, friendly class and turning it into a competitive, hostile group dynamic. Since this has repeated itself even in new groups I’ve joined… am I really responsible?

What are ways that someone in my position can use power in a positive way?

When I make group plans, I can invite everyone.
When I socialize, I can give equal attention so nobody feels ignored.
When girls make announcements, I can respond to everyone the same way—both the girls I like and the girls who are not my favorites.
When I host a gathering or party, I can choose to include everyone instead of selecting a small group.

What are ways that someone in my position can use power in a negative way?

If I don’t like someone, I ignore them.
If I go somewhere with a small group, I keep it quiet so others can’t join. And when the news somehow leaks, too bad on everyone else in my class.
I create an “elite club” of a select group of girls—4, 5, 8, or 10—and no one else is allowed in.
I decide who is “in” and who is “out.”
I exclude the rest of the class.
I give excuses when others invite me, but always show up for my “inner circle.”
When someone says something I don’t like, I respond with a smirk or an eye roll.

Do I always have to invite everyone?

No.

It is healthy and appropriate to have one or two very close friends and to spend private time with them.

However, when my circle becomes larger and starts to function like an exclusive group, the lines between close friendship and an elitist club become blurred.

At that point, it’s no longer just “friendship.”

It becomes a "social structure"—one that can unintentionally create:

Competition
Hurt feelings
A sense of unworthiness
A quiet desperation to “get in”

And even the girls inside the group can feel that pressure.

So… am I responsible?

If I have the power to create the dynamic, then yes—I also have the power to change it.

This is not about blame.

This is about leadership.

I can use my natural influence to build something better.

I can switch from:

Exclusive to Inclusive
Controlling to Welcoming
Dividing to Connecting
That is what green leadership looks like.

Things to Remember...

When children (and teens) recognize their social power, they don’t become guilty—they become capable and empowered.

“I’m not just part of the dynamic… I help create it.”

And that means:

“I can choose differently—and change everything.”

Monday Message| My Five-Year-Old Threatens Me... And I feel stuck

In a recent session, I spoke with one of my moms about her 5-year-old daughter, Sarah. Although Sarah had made great progress on Friday nights after her mom implemented the Friday Night Plan, Saturday mornings were still a challenge.

So I presented another plan — simple and clear: if Sarah gets wild and doesn’t follow the Shabbat meal rules at Grandma’s house around the corner, she’ll eat the meal at home for a few weeks—until she feels ready to respect Grandma’s rules. Of course, an adult would stay with her to make sure she’s safe. We also decided to make a mini-book about the reds and greens of spending Shabbat meals at Grandma’s, so Sarah would be crystal clear about the expectations there.

Without missing a beat, Sarah piped in, “Well, then I’ll eat all the junk in my house.”

Mom sighed. “See what I mean? I don’t know what to do!”

Me (in a calm, steady voice): “Oof. That’s threatening. And threatening is red. Let me draw a picture of that red and green.”

I asked Sarah to pose for a picture with her angry face, and she readily agreed. I added a red speech bubble with her words: “Well, then I’ll eat all the junk in my house.” Then I asked her to pose again, this time with a pleasant, thoughtful look. In the green speech bubble, I wrote, “Let me do the greens at Grandma’s house so that I’ll have the privilege of hanging out at her house.”

Sarah loved the picture, which we printed out immediately. And once again, the red-green language turned a tricky moment into a teachable one.

The reason this works is that, ultimately, Mom didn’t get pulled into an argument or react as if she were intimidated by the threat. Instead, by calmly naming the red behavior, we sent a clear message: We see the tactic, and it won’t work anymore.

Monday Message| What Did I Do Wrong? Email from Red Green Behavior Therapy I'm a little stuck...   (1 minute read) Question (via text message from a dad): “Hi Devora, I restarted the gold coin reward system and the evening went so much s

Monday Message| What did I do wrong?

Question (via text message from a dad):

“Hi Devora, I restarted the gold coin reward system and the evening went so much smoother! When Shlomo (8) got silly at the supper table, I told him to take a break, jump on the trampoline, and come back when he was ready to follow the supper table rules. He actually came back calm and ready! But when it was time for a shower and he refused, I offered him 5 coins (instead of his usual 3) if he’d go right away — and he still didn’t. What should I do next?”

Answer:

First — Good for you! Restarting the reward system after Yomtov chaos was a great move. Kids crave the structure and predictability, and reward systems make it much easier to enforce a structured schedule after weeks of unstructured time.

Now, two small tweaks that make a big difference:

Say “when,” not “if.” “When you finish your shower, you’ll earn your 3 gold coins” sounds confident and matter-of-fact. “If you take your shower…” sounds like it’s up for negotiation.
Keep the deal steady. Don’t raise the reward mid-battle. If the usual shower earns 3 coins, keep it that way. Otherwise, kids quickly learn that stalling and resisting gets them a better offer — and they’ll test it every time.

So keep calm, stay consistent, and speak confidently. You're the parent - your child's authority figure!

Monday Message| What Did I Do Wrong? Email from Red Green Behavior Therapy I'm a little stuck...   (1 minute read) Question (via text message from a dad): “Hi Devora, I restarted the gold coin reward system and the evening went so much s

Monday Message| Should I Ignore That "Tiny Slap?" Or do I follow through?

Question (via phone call from a principal):

Hi Devora,

You had told us that if Rivky (age 12) hits any of the school staff, we should immediately send her home, since there needs to be zero tolerance for aggression—especially because she’s mainstreamed in a general education setting and capable of self-control. This afternoon, she gave a tiny slap on her para’s hand. The para said it didn’t hurt, so she’s unsure if it “counts” as real aggression. How would you guide us?

Answer:

Yes—she needs to be sent home right away.

Here’s why:

1. Nip it in the bud.
It’s almost always more effective to address a problem early, when it’s still small. Once a behavior grows into a pattern, it becomes much harder to manage. Waiting until the slap becomes harder, louder, or more painful only allows the behavior to strengthen. Early intervention sends a clear message: This behavior is not negotiable. By acting now, you prevent the bigger, more out-of-control episodes that are harder for both Rivky and the adults to manage later.

2. Keep your word.
When Rivky gave that tiny slap, she knew exactly what she was doing: she was testing your resolve. She wanted to see if you really meant what you said—that any form of hitting would lead to being sent home. If you let it slide, she learns that “sometimes” means “maybe not this time,” and the behavior continues. But if you follow through, even for the small slap, she learns that your boundaries are firm and consistent. That clarity actually helps her feel safer and more in control.

In short: the goal isn’t punishment—it’s credibility. When you say what you mean and you mean what you say, Rivky’s aggression is far more likely to decrease, not increase.

Monday Message| Help! I Feel Like We're Back At Square One!

Question:
Hi Dr. Devora,

I hope Yom Tov (the holiday season) was nice for you. I wish I were texting you under better circumstances, but I wanted to be upfront and honest about where things are holding. Honestly, it was really hard with (5-year-old) Moshe over Yom Tov — he regressed a tremendous amount. He started having frequent accidents with number two again, really out of control and crazy. I’m not sure why or what happened, but it felt like we went back to where we were a year ago. After Yom Tov, I definitely want to schedule one or two parenting sessions with you. We really need to crack down, get to the bottom of everything, and discuss it in your office when we get back. I just wanted to keep you posted, especially because we had been doing so, so well — for about six to nine months, close to perfection — and now I don’t know what happened. Toward the end of Yom Tov it got a little better, but we’re definitely back to a lot of arguing about the toilet and all that. On my end, I’m really trying my best, and of course, Yom Tov throws off routines and things happen, but this time it really felt like we were back to square one. It was very, very difficult for me with him.

Answer:
Dear Mom,

Many other moms might feel somewhat relieved to read that they’re not alone in experiencing regression in their children over Yom Tov. The truth is, it’s completely normal.

The relaxed atmosphere, the change in schedule, the late nights, the visiting, and the general “Yom Tov freedom” — all of these can throw children off balance. While the unstructured days are part of what makes the holidays enjoyable, they can also invite setbacks in behavior, toileting, sleep, and emotional regulation.

The good news? For most children, simply returning to school and reestablishing a predictable routine is enough to bring things back to normal. Structure has a powerful, regulating effect on kids.

For the few challenges that linger, it helps to return to the strategies that worked for your family before the regression:

✅ Did you use tickets or points to reinforce positive behavior?

✅ Did you use an assertive, confident tone of voice?

✅ Did you use active ignoring for minor misbehaviors that weren’t dangerous?

✅ Did you nip things in the bud before they escalated?

Those same tools that worked before will likely work again. The even better news is that it usually takes much less time for kids to get back on track, because those positive behaviors are already part of their skill set.

So don’t panic if your child seems to have taken a few steps backward after Yom Tov. Go back to your tried-and-true strategies, keep routines consistent, and you’ll likely see things settle faster than you expect.

Welcome back to the new school year! As we embark on this educational journey, consider incorporating a simple game that enhances children's social awareness. By using their five senses to notice, guess, and plan, children can learn to "read the room" and improve their social interactions. This technique not only aids in classroom settings but also prepares them for various social situations, ensuring a smoother transition during the holiday season. Let's empower our students with skills that matter!
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