Saku Devi

This is an old picture from before I got Kadhi. I meant to make another outfit for him, but then the fire…. Going back to DTLA hoping to find matching fabric after losing my home and sewing machine didn’t make much sense. We had more exciting adventures than me spending hours behind a sewing machine anyway. Bandhu and I still miss Kadhi, but being alone for Xmas is actually pretty awesome.

I didn’t spend a week cooking for people who don’t care if I’m dead or alive. I didn’t pull all nighters wrapping gifts. I didn’t cry because some disappointing dude did the most minimum possible to nothing then got mad at my disappointment, or got mad and annoyed because I wanted to go look at Xmas lights or decorate a tree so therefore I’m falling for commercial holidays and not woke enough like their grumpy ass. Bandhu and I are gonna be practicing a karma yoga, watching movies, and eating junk food in bed. Maybe tomorrow we’ll buy whatever we want if we want it. I’ll get him a new collar. His collars for the last 5 years matched Kadhi’s, AND it’s looking raggedy. It looks like something is “missing” (Kadhi), so it’s time for a new collar that’s just his for our next chapter without Kadhi.

Bandhu, Kadhi, and I enjoyed a super nice Xmas lights stroll the night before Kadhi’s departure along with JJ and his dog Canela. Then after Kadhi’s last rough night, we enjoyed one last beach day together before his final stop to the vet. So our holiday season was super awesome, special, heartbreaking, and bittersweet all together. His health issues and upcoming death distracted me from getting a picture with Santa as planned, but we already did that in Canada so we didn’t miss out. After a week of hard core grieving, we’re both starting to come back to life and are having a peaceful day.

If today is shining a light on how one-sided your relationships with family/friends/partners are, after you cry it out I hope you take today as a positive lesson to enjoy an amazing holiday next year without them as I’m having now with Bandhu. Go get those peace and good tidings! 🙌🏾🎄❤️🙏🏾

Holiday season is the worst time of the year for me personally, like many other folks from dysfunctional families. Something about this time of the year makes even the hardest strongest folks crack. So when the going gets rough, let’s lean into the healing tools harder to keep ourselves from slipping into whatever self destructive “coping” mechanisms we like to use on automatic pilot. We can cope in healthier ways, like practicing yoga asanas, and other aspects of yoga as well. For asanas (postures), I got you Mondays at 5:30pm PST / 8:30pm EST. Hit me up for the Zoom link. 🙏🏾💪🏾🙌🏾

We’re getting through this cold holiday season one day at a time. For those of you with toxic families or you had the strength to get away and now you’re in solitude, I see you. Lean into the healing tools, and it will be spring before you know it. Come and get yoga every Monday 5:30pm PST 8:30 EST with me.

Asanas (postures) are one of the 8 limbs of the Raja Yoga Path (out of the 4 paths to Moksha (liberation).

I’ve literally had people make simple small talk with me before walking into yoga class, ask me how are you, and I honestly answer “hanging in there” or something along those lines…. and then get some shocked look on the face and ask me, “you’re the yoga teacher…. Aren’t you supposed to be happy all the time?”. 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

That’s like being surprised if a doctor ever gets sick sick, or if a mechanic’s car broke down.

We all know of comedian celebrities who offed themselves, and it is somewhat common knowledge that some of the most miserable planet are the richest.

Studying and practicing yoga and meditation don’t automatically make you happy all the time, and anyone fronting this to make sales is a fraud. As the Buddha taught, life is suffering. So we learn healing tools and practice to either maintain/increase peace, self awareness, and happiness, or we lean into them during harder times to take the edge off. We practice maintaining our breath no matter what storms are swirling around us.

For me personally, this holiday season is hitting me extra hard.. November has always been generally the hardest month of the year for me. A combo of the weather, and being beat over the head with family fun that folks from dysfunctional families can’t really enjoy - every time I walk into a grocery store for errands. I’ve been itching to regress into dumb stuff I used to do to cope. So I’m doing my best to lean harder into my arsenal of healing tools.

Stuff that helps me stay afloat during harder times times are reaching out to friends, making sure I’m going extra hard at the gym, maintaining yoga practice, practicing karma yoga (maintaining my home temple and tackling chores I don’t feel like doing, and also serving others), making time for meditation, and more…. A combo of stuff keeps me afloat. And I’m not perfect…. Maybe I do slip into stupid stuff…. But less stupid than before so even that is progress.

Anyone else need to breathe and move? I got your asana practice, 5:30 PST / 8:30 EST every Monday. Hit me up. 💪🏾❤️🙌🏾

Aaaand…. Another move. 🥵. But unlike the last few times where it was unplanned and suddenly an emergency to juggle around work and various locations, this time was a combo of faster and easier with the long weekend. Being away from this stuff for over a year made it easier. I was able to get through roughly 70% of my fire damaged goods and either donated or kept before I moved to Canada a couple years ago. I might get rid of the remaining 30%, or maybe get through it for good over next summer.

Right after the fire, I really hated the thought of my soot covered remains just wasting away in landfills when they were still useable. But the cleanup day in and day out for several months was super depressing, so I’d recommend in the future to others who’ve been through this to just start over, don’t wallow in the muck unless you have lots of help and volunteers on deck to take shifts on cleanup. I mean, wallow a little bit, surviving a fire is a traumatic weird jolt to the system to suddenly lose to ur home and stuff in it, but….. I did have quite the heel collection…. I don’t need that living in rural country decades later.

No, I’m not moving from where I currently am, BUT the cost of my storage went up in SoCal to $460, and it is $150 in the rural area I’m in, so….

That, and thanks to good trustworthy friends/bandmates like , fellow music educator who came through for me after the fire, still there for me, they can enjoy my gear while storing it instead of stuff collecting dust in storage. Sharing is caring!!

Going through crap and deciding what to keep or purge is HARD and can be stressful. I’m glad I have a system I use that makes it fast and reduces the stress that goes with it. And good friends helping for a couple hours is GOLD.

Doing this right before the holiday season is a weird relief actually. I literally got to “toss” the memories of bad dysfunctional holidays for good and make room for better ones.

Stay tuned if you also have an emotionally charged pile of crap you run from, dysfunctional family, and upcoming holidays! 😬🙌🏾💪🏾

The fire really surprisingly showed me who my friends were and weren’t, but I never had to doubt these two for a second. I’m glad I finally have a home and yard for them after a couple years of doing my best to pick up the pieces taking them from place to place but never parting with them. And even though there’s all this land to run around on here, where do they wanna be? One under the legs, one on my chest. 🥰❤️

Friends, relatives , partners, lovers, and whatever humans come and go with their various moods, inconsistencies, betrayals, traumas they inflict on you, good times, etc… (and some are genuine friends, living their lives as we try to figure this existence out) but one lesson I’ve learned since I was a little kid is that a dog’s love, devotion, affection, and trustworthiness are unwavering and forever.

It’s weird to think anytime I ever left my house hoping for love, or brought outsiders in, love was at home all along.

It’s a weird “in between” next chapter. Never been alone for this long, but it gets more peaceful and easier the longer I live like this. When I see people and families snapping at each other in the grocery store, I feel so relieved I’m only going home to love and companionship, not 🤡👿💩🤢🥴🤮😵‍💫.

I mean, I’m sure the right companion is worth working things out with as long as they’re making your life happier and easier to live as you do theirs, but I’ve personally never had that in my life for more than a few months, max one year, before it fades to anything but genuine presence and reciprocal care. Many women have a similar story. And yes, this happens vice versa too.

And even with newfound peace, running errands these days is pretty challenging with all the Xmas stuff throwing up on me every time I walk into any store. This will be the first holiday season where I’m free with no family.

I should probably find some wilderness adventures to take the dogs on.

I also suppose whatever gifts I would have gotten for family, I can now spend on myself.

And if I can connect with a local Food Not Bombs chapter, I can serve again.

If you are a fellow lone wolf, how ate you spending the holidays?

I love how my bedroom has been coming together after living out of boxes and swamped at this job for almost a year, and moving around for 2 years after the fire. It’s still a work in progress, just like me, and I’m digging the journey. The best part of my bedroom are these 2 who bring the warmth and love into this room. We had such a wild ride together over the last couple years after the fire but we stayed together no matter what. Grateful for every day I have with them. People come and go but their love is forever. I’m glad I’ve been able to give them a comfortable lovely home in rural nature with a doggy door to their huge yard (their own dog park?) to enjoy their golden years in. They love me day in and day out, and I love them right back.

Some journal prompts as we dive into November:

What kind of an atmosphere do you create for your loved ones (even yourself if you’re solo, yes, you are your own loved ones), or co-create with them? How do you maintain it TOGETHER? How do the folks/beings in your life love on you, and how do you love them back? If the balance is off, how do you plan to balance this? 💪🏾🙌🏾❤️

Who has either let their lives, homes, and bodies go to sh*t during November and December, and/or even gotten into trash relationships with all the red flags waving loud and clear from within a couple weeks in, because of everyone else having loved ones around, this being a season of “maybe I’ll get some holiday wish of love”, and downlow wanting to “fit in” on some subconscious level that you’re loved too, even though you know better and you’re generally fine the rest of the year? Can anyone relate? Man, I’ve done some ridiculous stuff during cold weather. All the times I went to Sri Lanka saved me from being fed to the wolves in LA during those months. We DO know better, and we don’t have to let the holiday blues get to us. We can make better choices than self-destructing during these times. I have more coming on this, we are being vigilant about our self-care during the holidays. Stay tuned!

This was years ago. Oh man, lots of people used to come out for the vegan feasts I’d spend a few days to a week on for my family. I would normally pull an all nighter the night before, and by the time it was time to eat and everyone came through, I was run RAGGED and EXHAUSTED. Then the next day, fight the crowds for Black Friday shopping, again for their Xmas gifts. And I really believed that all this effort made me some sort of appreciated, irreplaceable, and loved person in the family. WRONG.

All this effort solidified to everyone around me that I was a doormat who would do all that for a pat on the head. Pretty much nobody who was at these feasts are in my life now. The affection, effort, and care was one-sided and I didn’t know it at the time, because I was too busy trying prove I’m lovable (I didn’t even realize THIS at the time either - I was just doing “what I’m supposed to do”, what every woman is “supposed to do” for the holidays). Sure, there were some good times in there, but looking back, what was I trying to prove? And why?

Some years ago, I was in Sri Lanka during Thanksgiving (Thankstaking, but I digress and that’s another post). I got a phone call from a relative, bragging that they had an awesome Thanksgiving without me and they didn’t need me. I asked who cooked. They said people brought stuff from the grocery store (not a health food store). I said none of that stuff is vegan, and they got all surprised but brushed it off (?? That relative taught me to be vegan, but ok….). I would spend a week cooking everything from scratch for years, and then got that phone call, not to tell me that they missed me, but that they had an awesome time without me). I promised myself I’d never cook for them ever again.

I still love cooking and cooking for loved ones. I also love service. After I stopped doing THAT, I shifted all the love I wanted to share to cooking for our houseless friends at Skid Row with Food Not Bombs. Man, that was so much more rewarding than preparing family meals ever was.

I’ll be posting more about staying healthy and sane through our upcoming holidays, stay tuned! 🙌🏾💪🏾

Spa days and pampering can take the edge off and is better than nothing, but actual self care is hard work and a delicate balance within an ecosystem to maintain. We’ve all met people who are rich but miserable, looks amazing from hard work in the gym but has empty pockets, possesses plenty of material things but nothing spiritually and mentally nourishing.

The upcoming holidays and colder weather are a time we need to lean into self care, rest, and doing the inner work necessary for a vibrant spring renewal. For those of us from dysfunctional and toxic families like myself the holidays can be the worst most unbearable time of the year, so this work is extra important. Stay tuned for more on self care through the holidays! 🙌🏾🥰