Finding Peace in Life

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Divorce — Finding Peace in Life I was recently talking with a new friend about what I do in grief care, and her first question was, “Do you work a lot with people going through divorce?”…

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I was recently talking with a friend whose husband struggles with an addiction. They are an amazing couple. They have each worked incredibly hard on themselves so they can make this marriage work, and it shows. Every time I talk with my friend, I am struck by her degree of maturity and the depth of understanding she has about what it means to be healthy while loving someone who has an addiction. She knows who she is, and she knows who her husband is, too. He is a good man that is suffering, fighting a very hard battle, often alone. It does not define him. And it does not define her.



Misconceptions

Now, there are a lot of misconceptions about addiction, as well as those who struggle with them. Here are a few:

1. There is no way you can have a functional marriage with a person with an addiction

2. People with an addiction lack willingness to change

3. People with an addiction are selfish

4. People with an addiction are easy to spot (not true!)

5. It is a deep embarrassment to be married to someone who fights an addiction

I want every one of you to know that none of these are true. Fighting an addiction does not make an individual a bad person. These are good people all around us, struggling against a burden no one can see, every day of their lives.

Addiction covers alcohol and drug use. It also covers shopping, food, po*******hy, social media, s*x, etc. Many, many behaviors and substances can become an addiction. So where do we start in addressing this…



Why do people become addicted in the first place?

Usually, it is to cope. This is why children who grow up in highly distressing circumstances are likely to struggle with an addiction. Another reason is that they were introduced at too young of an age to make a wise choice, before they had the maturity to know they should run away as fast as they can.

Once our brain decides that this is the best path to getting dopamine, our happiness chemical, our body responds with a craving that feels like we need it, like someone in a famine needs food. Depending on the addiction, the pull can be constant at certain times, or may come in continuous waves.



So how do we fight against addiction?

I have three pieces of advice for families and individuals concerning addiction.



1. Stay away!

The very best way to avoid addiction to a substance is to not play around with addictive substances. And I mean every addictive substance. Social drinking and recreational drug use are top of my list to avoid-because it very easily switches from “just for fun” to a coping mechanism as soon as we face a hard time in life or use too much. I also add the often-considered harmless products of caffeine and po*******hy. The very best gift you could ever give your future self is to avoid these like the plague. Caffeine only gives us borrowed energy; it robs our future health and well-being. Po*******hy turns people into products and gives us a cheap counterfeit for the beautiful, unifying experiences of s*x within marriage. These things have so much power to rob us of joy. Never give them an inch.



2. Find your way to cope with life

To have a life free of all addiction we must learn to find healthy ways to release some of our stress throughout each day. I had a friend who was struggling against alcohol addiction, and though she had been clean for 4 years, she described at that point having her first day where she did not feel alcohol craving all day! This amazes, that she fights this battle so hard! She mentioned another day that she had started self-medicating by eating chocolate. We chuckled over this, and I believe every effort to not give in to an addiction is so precious. I honor and respect her fight. I also know, though, that our bodies want to switch addictions rather than be free. A food addiction will limit our future as well, just differently than another addiction will. We can deflate the pressure we carry inside us throughout each day through healthy avenues. This might be resting when we’re exhausted, getting outside, exercising, talking with a loved one about our burdens, etc. When we do so, we are less likely to crack under our load.



3. Fill the cup!

I once heard a s*x addict talk about his very rough journey, which included serving jail time, and he mentioned turning to God for help. He described one day at his work, where he had a paint cup that he needed to clean out. When he got to the sink, instead of scrubbing, he just let the clean water run and run, overflowing the cup, until every last drop of paint was cleaned out. He shared that he felt a clear message from God at that time, that he would need to be like that cup. He would need to fill his life and his mind continually with good things, until his addiction was all gone from his life. I believe this is true! We need to replace the void that addiction leaves with relationships, with purpose, with growth in areas we care about. And we can come away stronger than we ever were before.



Conclusion

I know that when we are recovering from an addiction, we are not “damaged goods.” We come away from the trials we experience with incredible strength and growth within us. Though surely no one wants to learn in such a painful way, the things learned while fighting addiction will change us forever. Let us be gentle with ourselves and others, like our Savior was gentle with those who wanted to change. He loves each of us! And He can guide us and give us the power we each need to bear our own burdens.



I love you all,

Carrie Mayo, MA

Addiction — Finding Peace in Life I was recently talking with a friend whose husband struggles with an addiction. They are an amazing couple. They have each worked incredibly hard on themselves so they can make this marriage work, and it shows. Every time I talk with my friend, I am struck by her degree of maturity and the depth of

Grieving is Messy,

I have met a lot of grieving people. So has each one of us-though often we may have no idea what’s happening in their lives. The old adage that “We never know what is going on for another person,” is so profound and true.

Grief is a mess

Grief has caused a lot of mess in my life, not just for me, but for many people around me. Because of grief, at times I have been
an unsafe driver,
a negligent parent,
an unresponsive friend,
a poorly preforming student,
an angry person to be around, and more.
My heart wants to apologize for all the times I have been difficult for other people. At the same time, I know that those who understood a bit of my life, have had immense compassion. I also believe that those who didn’t know, one day will.

Grief is scary

I was so grateful to be pushed into a grief counseling class at a time when I desperately needed it. My heart needed it.
A woman I came to love very much in the class talked about how, one year after her loss, she was still waking up crying and shaking in the night, having it hit her like a ton of bricks that her loved one was gone and life would never be the same. That was a day when our class cried and mourned together.
Grief is a messy thing. And it is scary. And overwhelming. But it’s made easier when we are not alone.
Sometimes, when we feel like we’re drowning emotionally, we need to let ourselves sink into that ocean and hit the bottom. Often, we find that as we grieve, eventually the ocean dries up. It doesn’t kill us, like I feels it might, and aftwards we’re more able to go on a little while again. Over time the space between those bouts can grow, from minutes, to hours, to days, etc.. Not because the grieving has completed somehow, but because our ability to cope with it has grown.

Grief is growth

To let ourselves grieve is healing.
Grief is overwhelming and it feels like we may never hold joy again in life. But I can testify that we will. We will be changed forever, but these experiences can make us humans who understand others around us like never before. Our empathy for others can expand, our understanding of suffering becomes deeper, and our ability to teach what love is to those who look up to us grows immensely.
We desperately need other people in this time period. Even though there will be misunderstandings. Even though there will be accidental wounds received from well-meaning people. When we let others into our grief, we
And when we grieve with others, it can bind us together in a sacred journey. I am grateful for those who grieved with me, from my family, to friends, a grief coach, spiritual leaders, and more.

Conclusion

I know there is so much love around us. Our wounds are not invisible-there are people who see us and care deeply about our struggles—people we can see as well as those we cannot see. I know my heart is full of love for you already.
You are going to make it. And one day all of our losses will be compensated with tender joy-through healing and through reunion with all those who we love.
Good luck on your journey.

Grief is Messy — Finding Peace in Life When we feel like we’re drowning emotionally, sometimes we need to let ourselves sink into that ocean and hit the bottom…

This past year I was reading one of Charles Dickens’ books, Oliver Twist, and I came across a funny comment (among many). He sarcastically stated that the person who always seems to know exactly what to do in a situation is the person who wasn’t there.

Now, Dickens was the master of weaving in witty, yet sometimes merciless, insights on human character. I found him to be on point in describing the default, small-minded positions we’re prone to.

So, what did he poke fun at--who is the first person to say, “If only you had done…” or “why didn’t you…”? Who is the first person to give quick advice to someone who faces a difficult problem? The person who feels another person’s problem is simple, often has not had to face it.

Now, this hopefully doesn’t describe all of us—or at least not all the time. But an essential gift we can all develop more fully is to first spend time seeing and appreciating the load another person shares with us, before we judging them.

See and appreciate the load

Each of us does or will carry a heavy load at some time.

At one point I read true account of a man in a third-world country who chopped wood, then carried it all over his town in a massive sack on his back to sell it. The bag weighed as much as or more than he did, and to passersby it looked like it might crush him. I think there are times, and will be more to come, when each of us feels like that man with all that load he had to carry. It weighs us down. It makes everything we try to accomplish way harder. But it also makes us so much stronger. Many others might not be able to see what we are carrying, and few will truly understand the full weight of it. What looks like merely a person who is “doing things wrong” to an outsider, is actually a fighter, not giving up though the load is so, so heavy.

Those who can see

We all have a very deep need to be seen. We need to know that in someone, our efforts are recognized, our good qualities are clear, and that our burdens are not invisible. We need these people in our lives, and of course we also hope to be this person to someone else!

My mother is one of these people in my life. If I share I am climbing a mountain in life, I know has she already climbed many of her own and that she sees mine clearly. She knows me and cares deeply when I am suffering. Understanding this, my heart frequently feels open to her words of wisdom. She cared and she saw me deeply, before she ever uttered a word of counsel.

Conclusion

In Oliver Twist, Dickens paints a beautiful picture of what it means to be a person who sees past the parts of life a person really can’t control to see all that they are doing with what they have been given. After reading that book, I hope to be one who loves and appreciates first, seeking to know the whole story a person has before any judgements at all. How beautiful those people are in our lives when we are suffering! And how sweet to be that person for another. May we all each get there!

Good luck on each of your journeys!

Carrie Petersen Mayo, M.A.

A thought from Charles Dickens… — Finding Peace in Life …Dickens was the master of weaving in witty, yet sometimes merciless, insights on human character. This past year I was reading one of Charles Dickens’ books, Oliver Twist , and I came across a funny comment….

Sharing my latest blog. Thanks!

How Our Garden's Grow

I’ve been an avid gardener for years now. Not a good gardener necessarily, but a persistent one if nothing else. This year is the first year I’ve had true abundance in my garden. Now, this is due to a lot of reasons. First of all, my older sister now rents my basement apartment and she also loves gardening, so my efforts have been doubled. Second, I went from being a single mom of 3 busy kids the last few years, to getting married this spring, and truly, life is much easier with two caring parents in the house! So, I have a lot of support in the other areas of my life that I hadn’t before. And finally, the previous years of trial-and-error learning seemed like they really came together for us this year in learning what works.

Needless to say, I’ve been proud of it. Probably like how my daughter feels after working on a drawing all afternoon and finally seeing it on the fridge. So satisfying, as my kids would say.

Well, I happened to have a good friend over a few weeks ago just to hang out and we poked around the garden. After a bit I started to sense that it kind of made her sad to see my garden growing so well, and yet she bravely said, “I’m so happy for you that your garden is doing so well.” As we walked, I pondered.

I started to think about how this friend had told me that the seeds she had put into the ground the last few years had not grown at all, as if they were placed in Death Valley. Then I thought about all the burdens she was carrying right now—a mama of three children with special needs, her physical health struggling, her mental health taking huge blows because of these things, and how even small tasks felt monstrous around her house right now. She must not feel like her gardens are growing at all, anywhere in her life.

I wanted to say to her and everyone else—mine has not always grown either! I believe we will all have these times of drought in life, where we feel there isn’t any growth and everything is an uphill battle.

First of all, please don’t give up. The things you are learning will bless your life and so many others in the years to come. The very burdens we carry, so many others do as well, and when we come away stronger, one day someone will look at us and say, “Okay. If they made it, then I can make it, too.” Your compassion for these people will become a healing balm that they desperately need.

Second, you are growing! Even though you cannot see it. Just like the roots that are invisible for so long in a garden, you grow stronger by the day even when you feel you are breaking. And when it is time for your gardens to grow up, you will be amazed at the growth.

Third, what’s invisible will one day be known. When we compare the fruits of our own labors with others, it’s so easy to beat ourselves up. This is often because the burdens we carry are hard or impossible to see in the moment. This friend of mine? She only learned her children have special needs three years ago—before that she just felt like an incompetent parent. She could not see the load she was carrying. This woman is so brave! One day, we will look back at our younger selves and say “Wow! I handled so much. My burdens were so heavy—and look at all I became through it all.”

And you know what. That will be satisfying.

I love you all! Good luck on your journeys.

Carrie Gooss Mayo

How Our Garden’s Grow — Finding Peace in Life Life is like gardening. ...I wanted to say to her and everyone else—my garden has not always grown!...

I often have clients ask how they can get someone in their life to respect them, treat them better, include them, honor their wishes, etc. A core principle I say all the time is that the only person we have control over is ourselves. This can be very frustrating at times! Knowing this, we might make the conclusion that, well, we can’t make anyone treat us better. And though that is essentially true (we can’t make them), we do have a lot of power to influence, which can be a general predictor of whether or not we will have success. Fighting hard for the meaningful relationships in our lives takes a particular skill set that anyone can learn, no matter how late in the game you think you are. It is not too late to try. So, today I wanted to highlight one of my favorite metaphors from the Gottman Institute that addresses these relationship skills, called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The Gottman Institute has studied marriage and relationships extensively and they found four things that are poison to any relationship. They are:

1. Criticism

2. Contempt

3. Defensiveness

4. Stonewalling

So, let’s dive into those four things.

Criticism

Are we allowed to ever ask our spouse and others we care about to change? Are we allowed to address difficult issues? Yes, absolutely. And we should. Critiques and complaints are two examples of healthy requests for change. What’s the difference? Simply that criticism attacks the person, telling them that, as a whole, they are a problem. Such as the difference below.

A complaint:

“I felt really scared when I didn’t know where you were. Why didn’t you call me?”

And a criticism:

“You never tell me where you are going! You don’t care about other’s feelings at all!”

Most of us have been on the receiving end of criticism before, and it does not feel good to be attacked.

The antidote for this is to ask ourselves if our words could be gentler. Talk first about our own feelings, then address the need as a positive. Saying “I feel…” then “I need…” with deep respect for the other person leads to much more success. (i.e. I feel left out right now. I need a little more connection to family events going on.)

Contempt

Contempt is an attempt to demean the moral character of another person, while feeling that we are superior. This comes from hatred, anger, and other negative feelings stewing in us for a while. This is a serious problem. When we feel contempt for another person, it is better to not communicate at all than to talk down in anger. The antidote is going to be sincere compassion for that person and respect for where they are coming from. The more we can recognize the good they are doing and the struggles they face, the softer and kinder we will feel.

So, the antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and respect. Notice the good and tell your partner or loved one that you see it and be incredibly patient with the issues that are bothering you. Seeing a counselor or other emotion coach by yourself may also be extremely helpful when you are at this point.

Defensiveness

Although every one of us has felt defensive at times, it is rarely an effective conversational tool. This happens when we feel attacked and we excuse ourselves or try to paint ourselves as innocent and helpless. In a defensive state we don’t take responsibility, which does not show respect for the other person and their concerns. So the antidote is to take responsibility for what is our fault and communicate with respect for their feelings.

It might look like turning this:

“I was way too busy to mow the lawn and you know it! You could do it yourself you know!”

Into this:

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to mowing the lawn like I said I would. I should have talked to you about it when I realized I was running late at work. I’ll do that now.”

Defensiveness almost always happens in response to criticism. When on the receiving end of criticism, it takes a lot of effort to respectfully take responsibility for our own actions, but it can be done!

And another note—defensiveness comes out more when there is a culture of criticism. Even if in a singular conversation we have been gentle and respectful, it may take a while for the relationship to heal. If your partner or loved one is responding to you with defensiveness, even when you feel there was no attack—please be patient with them! Don’t give up! You both can heal, but you will need time.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a serious condition. This is when we shut down and stop responding to our partner or loved one. It is often a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from contempt. While it looks very passive, it is actually a state where we are flooded with emotion. Communicating while in that state can be more harmful than helpful, so the solution isn’t necessarily to talk it out right then. Instead, learn to communicate quickly that you need a break to calm down. The break can be short, such as a bubble bath, long shower, walking outside, or listening to music—anything that helps you calm down. Then starting up again, with an intense effort to avoid the first three Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Conclusion

Relationships are hard! They take so much effort. While there are some relationships that need to end, and I will always support those critical situations, many times leaving will rob of us the opportunity to work for healing in relationships. This is a vital skill to develop in this life. There is so much brokenness in the world—let’s fight for change!

Good luck to all on your journeys!

Navigating Difficult Relationships — Finding Peace in Life How to get the very best out of someone (in difficult conversations or with difficult people) I often have clients ask how they can get someone in their life to respect them, treat them better, include them, honor their wishes, etc. A core principle I say all the time is that the only person

Blog Post 11/7/2023 - Purpose in Suffering
I once heard that if we could see a massive pile of everyone’s burdens and trials in this life, and had the ability to choose our own, that we would go in and pick exactly what we have received.
Kind of a weird thought.
At the time, I thought, (assuming that this was theoretically possible and true) maybe it is because we would have learned how to deal with our own trials and other peoples’ issues would look too difficult or unpleasant.
I now just have to say, I do not think that is a fair summary of why we would have been given the trials we have. No, never in a thousand years would I have picked up the things that have happened to me. I truly do not believe many others would have chosen the things they’ve experienced either.
How do I feel about the struggles we each face in this life?
I have hated some of mine. I would not wish what I have faced on my worst enemy.
Then I think of the 10-year-old girl I learned about online, Milana¹, who has been fighting bone cancer—would she have wanted this pain? This fear of dying so young? And I think of Dr. Edith Eger, who shares in her memoir² what she went through in the holocaust and the aftermath of recovery in her life. Would she have ever picked the things she experienced? The harm done to her?

No, I really don’t believe we ever would have picked these out on our own accord. I also don’t feel as though we each are somehow stronger than people who have different trials, that we can handle them any better than others necessarily.
What do I see in the other trials we each have, though?
I see a mission. A mission to go through difficult things and come away changed forever. To come away with a love for the sweet parts of life after tasting the bitter. To serve those who are struggling, even as we struggle ourselves. To find we had strength we never knew we had.
I heard another idea a long time ago. It was someone’s personal belief that, before we came to Earth, God held each of us in His arms and told us about the trials we would each face in this life. That we had the opportunity to choose if we wanted to experience these things. I believe this as well.
Maybe more than wanting to pick certain trials because of our ability to navigate it, we wanted to grow. We wanted to make it back to our loving Heavenly home and we hoped to help others make it back home along the way. We accepted the mission God had for us by coming here.
I wouldn’t wish suffering on anyone, but I also wouldn’t wish a life without any growth and change on anyone either. We did not come here to stay the same. And if trials in life teach us and change us so effectively, then I am grateful I have suffered, like every one of us on Earth does.

Finding Purpose in Suffering — Finding Peace in Life I once heard that if we could see a massive pile of everyone’s burdens and trials in this life, and had the ability to choose our own, that we would…

People who display symptoms of mental illness are often using more will power and self control their those who do not deal with this burden. "Mind over matter" is powerful, but is frequently not the whole solution.

Those who don't experience mental illness themselves likely have those in their lives who do. It seems to touch all of us.

A mission to be different

A mission to be different — Finding Peace in Life I was standing on a playground recently when I started talking with another mom I’d just met. It quickly became apparent as we talked that I was thrilled that the school our kids go to was now offering full-day kindergarten, while the other mom considered it a bad thing--like something robbing us ...

www.findingpeaceinlife.com/blog/r**e

One of the biggest barriers to getting help after s*xual abuse is silence. These are kind of tender thoughts of mine on this subject. This post does talk about r**e and s*xual assault, but perhaps this should be spoken of a little more...

Come meet with a professional. First session free, $35/session after that.

R**e — Finding Peace in Life It’s an ugly topic, but I’m sick of the silence.

Love you all! We are each doing better than we think 💙