Inspired Grief Recovery

I rarely share from Substack to this platform but this is too profound not to share. I have found these principles to be my life's roadmap. If it doesn't resonate with you, treat it like the train that

NABU | NEW EARTH BUILDER (@hiddenknowledge0) You chose this family. You chose these wounds. You chose these exact circumstances before you arrived here because you understood what they would produce in you. The difficulty was never a mistake. It was the curriculum. Every ancient tradition that mapped the soul’s journey across lifetimes arriv...

My heart was broken open yesterday.

I was standing at the checkout at a garden store watching as a dad missed a golden opportunity to show love and appreciation to his little son. I wanted to take this precious little boy aside and tell him how perfect he is – that he doesn’t need to do anything to be valued.

I knew something was up even before the interaction I saw between him and his dad. You know how you can tell by looking at a child if they know it’s OK for them to be heard and seen? Even at a young age, they know to shrink back and try to be invisible. That’s the dynamic that was going on.

His dad had a cart full of things and began to pick them up one by one and hand them to the cashier so she could scan the barcode. The little boy – maybe 5 or 6 - smart little guy that he was, saw what his dad was doing and made a move to help by picking things up off the cart to hand to his dad. It was a logical, helping gesture. But instead, dad barked at him and told him to put it back. I watched as his little face clouded over and he wiped a tear away. It was easy to see that it wasn’t the first time he’d been shut down. His energetic demeanor just projected defeat.

The dad’s back was to me and the little boy was facing me. I found a quick chance to quietly tell the little boy how clever and helpful he was. I hope those words landed and will somehow stick in his memory and blunt the rejection that seemed to hover around him.

Maybe this was an infrequent lapse for this dad, who knows, but it hit me hard, perhaps because as a Grief Recovery Specialist and Crisis Counselor I frequently see the end result of this absence of parental approval.

It plays out in older children and adults in the form of such low self-esteem that it often ends in crisis. As they share their stories it’s easy to draw a direct line from lack of approval to the kind of low self-esteem that ends lives.

Find an opportunity to say something affirming to someone today – anyone. You never know who may need to know that they are seen and valued just as they are. It’s such a tiny thing that takes seconds but can impact an entire lifetime.

My good friend, Brooke Scherer, is an amazing woman who took the tragedy of vehicular homicide that ended her son’s life and transformed that unimaginable loss into a meaningful gift to help others.

Her podcast, Trauma Uncensored, was born of her desire to create purpose out of tragedy. Her guests are open and honest with no grief topic off the table.

I joined her recently for a deep and definitely uncensored discussion about the realities of loss. We felt we only scratched the surface of the things we could discuss so I’ll be back for another round soon.

In this session we discussed the deaths of three of my five children from 1976 through 2014, how and how those losses shaped my life’s work.

From my distaste for the Grief Olympics (language got a little spicy) 😉 to the very long time it can take to fully heal and many topics in between, I hope something resonates with you and helps you on your own healing journey.

(Video starts at 4:54 for some reason - you may need to manually back it up to the beginning)

36. Three Losses, Hard-Won Wisdom | Marla Grant Brooke welcomes Marla Grant, a longtime grief guide who has lived what she teaches. Marla shares the neonatal loss she could not fully grieve until decades l...

SU***DE. Please don't be afraid to say this word or talk about it with the ones you love.

Although it is a persistent myth that the su***de rate is higher during the holidays, statistics don't support that.

However, a large international study that analyzed over 1.5 million su***des in over twenty countries did confirm that the risk is 33% HIGHER on New Year's Day.

My son, Ryan was struggling that day in 2014 and on January 2nd, ended up taking his life. In retrospect I realized two things:

The first is that over the course of his life I had not drawn him out enough about the pain I suspected he was in over the death of his sister even though we spoke of her often. I didn't have the knowledge then to know how to, or to address other existential issues he was struggling with.

The second is that even in the presence of all the right conversations, all the right help and expressing care and love, a person may still choose to kill themself. For those of us left behind, guilt, shame, anger and other emotions all need to be felt and processed in a healthy, non-judgmental way. Once examined they must be released in order to move forward so we can have a new, present moment experience with them. I have seen this happen successfully with many parents.

I understand so much more than I did 12 years ago when Ryan died and I now use my knowledge and deep personal experience to teach a program called Helping Children with Loss (HCWL).

If you'd like to learn more about protecting your children with lifelong lessons about dealing with grief, please check out my HCWL (a program of the Grief Recovery Institute) by clicking the Services Tab at the top of my website at https://www.inspiredgriefrecovery.com/

When you scroll to the bottom of the HCWL information page you'll see a place to connect with me about joining the next four-week class. It would be my privilege to share what I've learned to keep your loved ones safe - the concepts apply to adults as well.

Until then, gently support your kids by listening, not interrogating. Let them know not only that you love them but you have respect for them as well.

Love and best wishes for a safe, loving holiday.

CRISIS COUNSELING - LESSONS REVEALED

I recently shared that I became a volunteer Crisis Counselor for the Crisis Text Line. I thought I’d share some insights (no confidentiality transgressions) about what I’ve learned after only ten hours of helping people. None of this is entirely new to me as I’ve done similar work in other capacities, but it gave me plenty of confirmation.

• What people need more than anything is to be heard and validated. That alone can give someone something to hang on to and provide much needed personal confirmation of their worth

• Many people want to be assured they are not speaking to an AI bot. They want a warm, breathing human who understands what they are going through. This is true for adults but I was surprised that even young people want genuine human interaction. Very encouraging.

• Using the word SU***DE and being very clear in asking about intent and capability is VERY important. It is not a catalyst that pushes them to take the action but an inhibiting protective discussion that opens up further discussions about self-harm. We do this on every single call, even if they haven't brought it up. Because they contacted us for a reason.

• I never ever consult resources outside the platform we use to help texters but last night I was asked if I could recommend a Bible verse to help provide comfort as they headed off to sleep. This girl does not know Bible verses – concepts yes, but not chapter and verse. Thank you AI for giving me a quick and appropriate response. It was the perfect solution.

I take back every derogatory thing I’ve said about you. OK, maybe not everything.

Last night the work got very personal when I was asked about an adult child self-harming (cutting, drugs, etc.) – what causes it, why, etc. It was a story right out of my life from a few years ago which ultimately ended with my youngest son taking his life.

This is what we do with the s**t that happens in our own life. We use it to help others. What greater value could be given to a tragedy than that? What better way to support our own healing? I did not share any of my own experience with her, of course, but I did share all the lessons I’ve learned and I know it helped her. I was also able to point her to some great resources to understand more.

Best of all, I did this.

I encouraged her to do what I did not know to do for my son…ask the question, “Have you had any thoughts of su***de?” and to understand that when they deny the clear evidence you can see that they are self-harming, don’t ask them if they are doing it. Instead, gently engage them in conversation to help them know how much they are cared for and that there is help available. People in distress who are self-harming are feeling deep shame and think they are the only one who find it hard to deal with depression and challenges. Directly talking about the fear in the room takes its power away and opens at least a tiny space to let hope in.

Never give up. The answer to your difficulties could be so close. It would be a shame to miss it.

I'm happy to share that late today I passed my final test to become a Volunteer Crisis Counselor for the Crisis Text Line. It's feels so meaningful to honor my son, Ryan, in this way. He took his life in 2014 after a mental health crisis for which he just couldn't reach out for help in time. I know he is well and happy in his spirit form and will inspire me with each interaction I encounter.

Research shows that being able to talk to a caring listener about challenges before they feel completely unmanageable can provide hope to someone in crisis. This hotline is for anyone who just needs someone to listen, no matter the nature of the crisis. That can be anything from feeling overwhelmed by the demands of life to full blown suicidal ideation.

We are all REAL LIVE PEOPLE - no AI - so you're getting genuine empathy and understanding. We listen with compassion, and non-judgement, help texters stay safe for now and provide resources to follow up for further care if necessary.

As always, if you have an IMMEDIATE life-threatening crisis, please contact 911 or the appropriate emergency # in your country if you're not in the U.S.

We live in difficult times and as Nicole says, "Mom, I think the reason we're here on Earth is to help each other."

When Goodbye Comes Too Soon -
Understanding the deep and often-minimized grief of miscarriage, stillbirth during delivery and neonatal death

After losing three of my five children—including an infant son during a traumatic birth in 1976—I share what most people get so wrong about infant loss.

The myth that losing a baby somehow hurts less than other losses is simply not true.

Empathy means listening without measuring pain. Parents who've lost babies need space to speak their child's name and tell their story—no matter how little time has passed.

This is an invitation to bear witness to a grief that's often minimized but never small.

When Goodbye Comes Too Soon - Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Neonatal Deaths are Deep Grief Events The deep and often-minimized grief of miscarriage, stillbirth during delivery and neonatal death is just as traumatic for parents as the death of older loved...

For the full article, kindly click the link.

STILL LOOKING FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE? It took 50 years but mine turned up in the most unexpected way

Everything else can wait. These important moments of peace help you and everyone you interact with. Anxiety and stress are contagious. So are joy and peace. We get to choose.

I learned the hard way when my daughter died in 1995 that "being strong" is a deadly strategy for us and the ones we love.

There's a way to grieve and give honor to our emotions and also do the things that need to be done.

There is no one path for all of us and no one timeline, but we can each find our way through the pain as we learn how to create a different life. We can all be assured, however, that our loved ones are alive and well in their spirit form, just a small octave away.

Grief Myth # 5: Be Strong The coping strategy doomed to failure

I'm intimately familiar with the 6 Myths of Grief because over the course of healing from the deaths of three of my five children I heard them all and believed some of them. It delayed my healing and kept me in a vague state of heaviness and emptiness. No more!

Today we look at #4 - the sorry myth called "Time Heals.". In my ongoing series, I'll also explain what it means to "take action."

Click https://youtu.be/1ZQJf8xY17w to be taken to video.

Myth #4 - Time Heals THE LIE THAT STEALS YOUR HEALINGIf time really healed all wounds… why are you still hurting?We’ve all heard the saying “Time heals all wounds” — but it’s one...