05/29/2024
Day 33/90 of PTG. Avoidance. I avoided social media for over a year. My plan moving forward involves sharing my growth for whoever is struggling too. You dont really know that you’ve hit rock bottom until youre there. It’s ok to ask for help, we cant overcome everything alone.
Avoiding people:
-The traumatic months I went through affected my relationship with my partner, friends, family, volunteer work, hobbies. I lived through a constant campaign of emotional manipulation and misery, fell into an extreme isolation and never thought I could go back to the “normal” me. I stopped talking about what happened to me because I felt like a burden and I felt like no one could relate. I didnt want to push my negative energy onto anyone or want anyone feel sorry for me.
Avoiding triggers:
-I was terrified to post on social media because I was living in a substantive fear of being tracked, followed, and preyed upon. I lost all trust in authority figures, trust of my own mind and perceptions of reality and questioned my own memories of the trauma. I couldn’t be near electronics without fear of being recorded or tracked. I couldn’t go anywhere without checking for hidden devices and staring into electrical outlets and plants and picture frames and ceiling tiles. I did not feel safe in my own home or in my vehicles. I experienced a cruel and horrid emotional manipulation from people who I highly respected. Paranoia consumed me. I wanted to run away from intrusive reminders + technology + from the people who hurt me. I wanted to throw it all in the cold frozen river water, including myself.
Avoiding feelings:
- I was a numb, empty shell. My cup of life evaporated. I let “negative” emotions take over my mind (paranoia, fear, hyperarousal,guilt, sadness). I fed the “fear wolf” by over-feeding these feelings and allowing these emotions to fuel my mind. Then I tried to starve this wolf and that led to avoiding confronting these feelings. I learned to confront them, recognize them, and change my focus to feeding the “courage wolf” -the “positive” emotions that empower us and make us stronger. I remembered my integrity, authenticity, and my will to survive.