04/12/2023
I AM AN ADDICT...
I am ashamed...I am unlovable...I have lost my way...but YOU'RE PROUD OF ME???
It was the spring of 2011 and My hands shook as I held the phone and confessed my sins to a complete stranger. As my tears flooded the floor below, I heard her say with such genuine sweet grace, “I am proud of you”.
Her words broke me open.
I sobbed uncontrollably…who could possibly be proud of me in this moment of personal darkness? What is there to be proud of?
I was 30 years old, and I was finally admitting that I was addict.
The woman’s voice on the crisis hotline I called was so kind, gentle, and non-judgmental.
Those words became a seed – one that I chose to protect, water, and love. It was hope. It was self-love. It was grace.
This set me off on a bootcamp of self-discovery: group work, recovery work, therapy, and a rediscovering of the things that used to bring me joy. This wasn’t about abstaining from just one thing, it was about healing what was broken inside me and how to fill the emptiness with what belonged there and fueled my purpose in life, not what would give me a numbing instant gratification that always fueled my shame. I didn't need a substance or activity to be addicted to...truth is, I could choose anything at any given time to be addicted to. In fact, my first addiction was when I was just a kid. I was addicted to praise. I needed to understand what pain I was trying to medicate, avoid, reject, numb.
Every time I hit a low point in life, someone or some message would remind me that I matter and that I should be proud of myself for admitting I was struggling and needing help.
How often have you rejected hearing the words, “I’m proud of you”?
It takes real courage to admit when you feel powerless, surrender control, and ask for help. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of healing. It’s never too late to write your own comeback story. Trust me, I have written many of them, and each on of them has been training for the next one.
If you have allowed this to help you reflect on your own life, you should be proud of yourself.
You are not alone