08/23/2024
Phase II: turning my office into a pleasure space
I was never good with change growing upš„“
When I was a little girl, my sensitivity to the world came full forceš¤and my mother has told me stories of what is was like caring for me (though in my memory and mind, it seemed more like taming a wild beast)
Because of my extreme alertness - my daily life felt like a layer of skin had been peeled away and ALL the nerves were exposed, extra sensitive to temperature, to sounds, ton lights, to peopleš«Ø(and sometimes still does)
Every aspect of change would send me into a screaming fit of unbalanced fear, which likely seemed like a overly dramatic tantrum š”
Every argument my parents had was felt deep inside of me and often was misconstrued for feelings of my ownš®āšØ
And even the smallest of things..like when that little line on my sock was turned to the bottom of my foot, resulted in a catastrophic meltdown as I felt it was all just too much too handleš
I know. It sounds unreal. It was not easy growing up.
~
Recently, I experienced an artistic and therapeutic breathing exercise which allowed me to meet this younger, wilder, meltdown-y version of myself. She was about 5 years old and she was terrifiedš°
She didnāt know if the changes she experienced would bring her peace or another bombardement of emotions and overstimulation - as it was usually the latter š«š
So she learned to fear change, no matter what kind it was (which was actually quite intelligent if you think about it. She was only trying to protect herself) š¶āš«ļøand ever since, the fear of change has transformed into a major difficulty in dealing with changes as an adult, especially the big onesš®āšØ
When I met my 5 yr old self during this exercise, I held her close and told her that I understood why she was so scared of change. I finally understood her method of reacting to it and recognized her actions for survival and not as something broken that needed to be fixedā¦
It turns out, all she ever wanted was acknowledgement and safety š„ŗš
~
As I continue to work thru the phases of this physical move into my new home, my 5 yr old self has returnedš«Øšš¤š„ŗ
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