The Vyaghata

Dhumavati is said to manifest herself at the time of cosmic dissolution (pralaya) and is “the Void” that exists before creation and after dissolution

I suppose that is when you would say she came to me was in my own time of pralaya. I was 24 when my own husband abandoned as did her own. At the time I believed I was a transgendered male to female and afer a few years of an abusive relationship, he left me. I was in a state of constant sorrow. I was homeless and on probation from my my marriages abusive past. My family and their church had psychologically tormented me for months making me live in a garage through the winter. I was taken in by a polyamorous triad gay couple. They were decent with their own mental anguish and one of them was a witch. I had studied the craft for years but never fully agreed with their ways or teachings. I let them be for the most part but always felt a certain hostility towards the pagans and their ways of what they called magic. I suppose like any person would in my situation, would turn to religion to explain the torments of life. In some way find a means of comfort and a group to fit in with. That is why Alcoholics Anonymous works so well, its another group to fit in with that has the exact same life. Another you to talk too that isn’t a threat. I knew I was different very early on in life. Everyone says that and I believe everyone in a way has a right too. I’ve never met another me and I assume never will. I remember things that kids shouldn't but not my birth. I’ve yet to meet the person that claims that actually accurately describe their birth. What I remember the most is that I lived with my parents in Parker Colorado. My earliest memories are at age 3. We lived in a home that was built in a Neighborhood called Cottonwood that was a blue color, 8567 Cottonwoodway. It had a basement that was unfinished and my step father had to have construction lights down stairs. I never liked either of them. Whats interesting is that as I write this remembering knowing that my mother didnt like me and he despised me as I was a distraction for her. My dad left her when he found out she was pregnant. One day I was playing on my bunkbed and I was watching the sights outside. I loved looking out my bedroom window at the trees and flowers and I really like butterflies. In order for me to see outside I would have to climb to the top and lean over the side to look out. I did this a lot and for some reason slipped and hit my head first on the side of the dresser and then on the other side of my head on the bottom bunk. I woke up in a neck stretcher not feeling at all afraid, but very curious. My mother was staring at me and the paramedics were staring too but I always remember the look she had on her face watching me. My mother used to stare at me with an intent stare and it was as if I could hear her over and over in my head saying she hated me. I always resented my stepfather but that only grew more and more with age. When my sister was born I was already distancing myself from them emotionally. My bedroom was upstairs but I was always drawn to the basement. I liked it down there in the dark for some reason. I wouldn’t do anything but just wander around in the dark. I didnt feel alone ever and it was if shadows were around me slithering and I wasnt afraid. Some days I remember waking up eager to go back to the basement just to be in the dark with the shadows again. She got a cat that soon became pregnant, a siamese that I was fascinated by. She wouldnt go near my parents and would go hide in the basement and I liked that she went under the stairs. I would follow her and when she had kittens I would sneak down and pet and play with them.
. Before long I started to get sick. I got terrible ear infections that turned into a blood infection at age 4. I remember being in constant pain and wanting to die. I cried a lot and I was afraid after a doctor told my mother in front of me I was going to die. They put me on IV antibiotics constantly. My step dad would take me to the Centennial Hospital every day to have them administer my medications by IV and I got to the point where I was begging them to stop sticking needles in me. My veins were beginning to collapse and my step dad told me that if they didn’t get the needle in my arm, they were putting it in my chest. He laughed at me as he said that and I remember hating him and being terrified of him at that point. They let me watch tv as they put it in my chest, Looney Toons was on. It was the one where Elmer Fudd is a Mountee and I rememer trying to smile as they did it. I really wanted to die all the time after that. They moved me to my house and put me on permanet hospice at five. I had a nurse that came and saw me everyday and I think about her often. I wish I could remember her name, but what I remember is she held my hand a lot and she brought me a snoopy stuffed animal. I used to hold onto that as they stuck the needles in. Even right now I’m crying as if it was happening again. They took me to a Doctor Hoogle who I learned years later lost his medical licesence. I know I have no relation to that but I remember always being happy to see him. At least someone smiled at me when they saw me. He performed a lot of surgeys on me trying to keep me alive. I used to hate going to sleep, they always would say they didnt know if I was going to wake up. I don’t know why but as my vision always blacked out after they put the gas mask on, would feel such comfort in the darkness because of the shadows at home. After many surgies, Dr. Hoogle suggested that they take my tonsils out. I wasn’t getting any better and they thought by taking them out I finally would. My insane grandparents, who I will write about one day, took me to their church, New Covenant Fellowship in Larkspur Colorado. Their cult leader was Tim Ralph and my grandparents and him pulled the congregation to all pray for me. I remember being on stage with all these people looking at me feeling really dizzy. A man I had never seen before was there and he came through the crowd and stuck both his fingers in my ears and closed his eyes. I could hear my heart beating in my head and my vision blurred and I couldn’t hear what he was saying but I could see his lips moving. I passed out but I wasn’t asleep. I was in the same place where shadows are and it was dark, I felt safe, unlike with those people. My surgery was a success and my grandmother, as I lay there trying to wake up, was telling my mother that I was from god and that I would be a warrior for him. It was then that it felt like my body was empty but full and I knew that wasn’t true. To this day, I don’t hear voices in my head and never have, it’s more of a knowing, as if you learned it or were told it years ago. We left the hospital a couple of days later, it was Christmas time. My mother had been at the hospital with me for a few days and went to use the hospital shower while leaving me at the day care. They had us make Christmas Tree pictures at the hospital for our parents. I gave mine to my mother who later threw it on the floor of the car in the mud. I felt very different but not afraid in any way. Almost like a confidence that I could swallow them or the whole of anything I saw. It could be described as almost a rage that is burning but desires to consume. In my head I began deny that the woman I lived with was my mother. My sister was hers but I wasnt and I wasn’t my stepdads but they had no choice but to keep me around. I can’t decide if that truly hurts me or not with the life I’ve lead up to the point of me writing this. One day, I was playing outside alone. There was a neighbor boy named Corey and another that may of been Sam. They had to of been in Middle school at least but the one I cant remember asked me to come with them. I knew that I would be ok and I did and I also knew I would be coming back alone. I don’t know what exactly they wanted to do or why, just what happened. The older one put me in a swing and was touching me at a park behind the houses. I still didn’t feel like I was in any danger and suddenly for no reason at all one of the boys (Corey) stopped him and said they should get out of there. That same feeling of knowing was there but almost a laughter. They took off running and I returned on the path home. There was an old woman with white hair on the path, she was wearing a fourth of July swater and her hair was white as snow. She took my hand and asked me where I lilved. I showed her and she took me home. She yelled at my mother to keep a better watch on me and my mom hit me inside. I never saw that kind woman again. This post is pertaining to my discovery and encounters with the dark mother and I will soon write the details of my life up to this point. For now, lets continue to where I left off. I was living with a poly gay couple in Boulder Colorado at age 24. My husband had left me and I was on probation that I plead guilty to out of fear of going to jail. I was in a constant state of sorrow and I rarely left my house. I was looking at people in different ways and for the first time ever, began to admit that I hated the gay community. Every conversation was always the same, sex or why they had a hard life. Based on my current situation I began to resent them as they continued to believe they were oppressed. I felt the same oppression but our similar hatred of life and feeling bound was never the same. With them it was that their boy friend broke up with them. Or how they were having a hard time at the office despite openly talking about their sex lives at work. I started not liking them even though they were my closests friends. I hated the idea of being with another man and I actually went out of my way to harm them. I could somehow suddenly start to feel things about them. Like I always had but I began to pay more attention too it. I could feel what they were afraid of or what they desired most in life. Almost on an instinct and that same feeling of knowing, words would fly from my hands on a computer or in person the thing they were really afraid of it seemed. From there it started to grow and I could feel the same feeling I had when I woke up from my successful surgery. A rage began building that never seemed sated and a darkness that felt warmer than any light seemed to begin to envelope me. I never was afraid and it seemed this was the only thing that was keeping me from ending my life. For the first time in a very long time I felt a new sense of confidence I hadn’t felt in years. Sometime in March of of 2014 while I was watching youtube I noticed a picture of Ganesha on a video. I had always liked elephants. I love the way they look and their trunks make me smile and I thought I would click on it for fun. The mantra was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. I felt clean, like I was going to be ok and to keep listening. I did and it continued and I wanted to knwo more about it. Where did it come from? What does it mean? Do those words mean something? That was my start on finding her in my own world of shadows I created for myself. I was so angry but I liked it. I love the feeling of being angry and I love to feel wrath through my veins. There was, and always has been, a very dark sense of slaughter about myself which Ill go into in another blog. I have no desire to kill anyone and never have, I think it is the violence of energy that it is that attracts me. I scream and cry out to save people I see on youtube that crash their bikes. I almost pissed my pants watching Full Metal Alchemist at the part when Dante throws the baby. I jumped up to try to catch a cartoon baby. I know in some ways I understand humans and their sense of love and compassion. Rage, Anger, Wrath, are all secondary emotions that come from sorrow and pain, I must be nothing but sorrow then it seems. One that never will be sated. The more I studied Hinduism the more intrigued I became. As I mentioned I hate the pagans and their ways but I did love Astrology. I studied it all the time and was so fascinated with it and even the stars themselves. I would always talk about it with people and they loved talking about it with me. I soon discovered that everything I had studied was only a half truth. The vedic astrology is the correct astrology. I began to study it. All the time. I came across a website called Astrosage and they offered a free life report. I was skeptical because every other site offers and charges. They didn’t. My sense of knowing to continue proceeded when no money was asked and I received a 50 page report on my life. It scared me because it described exact situations. Ones that don’t happen to everyone. From what it told me I continued to look at the grids and charts that came with it and was interested in what the names meant. It read like a labeled chart and after a time, and study, began to research each lable I was. I learned all accurate things but one thing stood out more than anything. My yoga. VYAGHATA. I searched on Google what that meant and found vedic time which had a description. Vyaghata is the 13th Nitya (Naisargika) Yoga, which is ruled by Vayu and and considered to be malefic one (especially first 9 Ghatis of it). It is one of 7 other malefic Yogas of the lowest order (comparing to Vyatipāta and Vaidhriti, which are malefic Nitya Yogas of the highest order). Its effect can be described as “killing” or “slaughter”. Shukra is a Graha, who rules Vyaghata. I began more research on the Vyaghata, feeling like I was part of a particular kind of person but actually could claim it with another. I learned many things, some good and some things portrayed very badly. I later learned the wisdom of divine good and divine evile. A constant cycle that must exhist for one can’t without the other. I grew to accept that I came from the dark aspect of what humans make into evil. I wanted to learn the ways of Hindus and what they taught. It took me awhile to find my way or even where I came from and I know I wouldn’t be here now with the teachings and Wisdom of Ganesha. Through my own study and practice I was able to successfully call to him through his yantra and mantra in a state of hypnosis. The same darkness I had grown to love had enveloped me and I was in a familar place but it seemed like I was falling very slowly deeper and deeper into it. As if I was sinking into water and then he was before me. He never moved but sat there watching me. He was a neon blue covered in jewels of various blues and purples. He had four arms and I remember at first feeling afraid. I looked into his feminine eyes and I then felt safe and connected to him. I didnt say anything to him either but it was as if he knew why I was there and what I needed. I decended into a stone hallway like I was going deeper and deeper underground. I it never seemed to end with fire on each side of the walk way but in windows that were not windows but contained the fire. They marked invisible walls you couldnt see. I still wasn’t afraid and I floated through with an eager curiosity. I never saw the end or how I got to the place I was in but I was in a room suddenly. In the center was built circle of stone that contained a fire. I couldnt see around it but there she came from around it. She was not an old woman. She looked like an Indian seductress in red that would change to white skin with blonde hair and back again. She would move and never move, speak and never open her mouth, shout and also whisper. She never called herself other than all. She said it wasn’t the ALL that I knew for it never is. She told me that I was me and that I came from the place from where all time ends and before it begins. From the great ocean of the place where even thought has ended, the place where light is consumed for one is there to see it. The place where even knowledge has ended, the place where no one is to think of a god, the place where love, laughter, joy, anger, are and both never existed. Perceived as the void, as the dissolved form of consciousness, when all beings are dissolved in sleep in the supreme Brahman, having swallowed the entire universe, the seer-poets call her the most glorious and the eldest, Dhumavati. She exists in the forms of sleep, lack of memory, illusion, and dullness in the creatures immersed in the illusion of the world, but among the yogis she becomes the power that destroys all thoughts, indeed Samadhi (death and liberation) itself. I asked her what I must do, where I came from, why am I here again, why can’t I go home and end this pain? She told me to seek the wisdom of the energy my soul was reincarnated from. To seek the wisom of my former self and I would find my answers. To learn and accept my demonic blood and to follow the path of Shukracharya. And so my journey began

व्याघात Vyaghata is the 13th Nitya (Naisargika)

"Vow to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin, van guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition." This page is my rage. This page is the hatred you produce. This page is the reflection of the world I see in my eyes. Do you have something you want me to share with me? I'd love to talk