Early Learning Nexus

Here’s the truth of it: oppositional kids are notoriously good at arguing with their parents. However, a lesser-acknowledged fact is that parents are equally good at arguing with their oppositional kids. I make a purposefully outrageous statement to parents at the start of treatment, which they never believe at first: You never need to have another argument with your child or teen again.

A conversation, sure, but an argument, no. An argument, by definition, is when two people are speaking, usually with the goal of talking the other person into something or talking them out of it. If one person simply stops speaking, by definition, it’s no longer an argument. At that point, it’s just one person up on a soap box giving a speech or a monologue, albeit a long and passionate one sometimes, but it’s definitely no longer an argument. As parents, we get sucked into a back-and-forth argument with our more difficult-to-parent kids all the time.

As psychotherapist James Lehman once said, “You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.”

Strong-willed and oppositional kids (particularly teenagers) are really good at arguing with their parents. Let’s start with just one way in which they do that, which also happens to be my favorite: red herrings.

What Is a Red Herring?
Often, when we ask a kid to do something that they don’t want to do, they throw out red herrings in an attempt not to do the thing that’s been asked. A red herring is an attempt at distraction, a comment that’s made by a kid that loosely relates to the request made of them with the hopes of talking their parents out of it, or at least stalling as long as humanly possible.

The best way to teach how red herrings work is to give you an example:

PARENT (P): The lawn is looking like it needs to be mowed. Can you take care of that?

KID (K): I did it last time so it’s not my turn.

(P): I think your brother did it last time.

(K): That was the time before.

(P): Pretty sure it is your turn. Plus, he’s not home right now.

(K): He can do it when he gets home.

(P): I’m not sure when he’s getting back. Please just do it, okay?

(K): Why does he do less around here than me? You make me do everything.

(P): He doesn’t do less than you. The chores are equal.

(K): Mine are a lot harder than his. You guys always give me the harder chores. That’s not fair.

(P): He has some harder chores too. Just mow the lawn, would you?

(K): No, he doesn’t. Tell me what hard chores he has?

(P): I don’t know. The bathroom. Why do you always do this?

(K): The lawn mower won’t start anyway. You were supposed to fix it last time so I can’t do it.

(P): I did fix it.

(K): Then how come it doesn’t start?

You can see where this is going, right? Exactly nowhere. Everything the kid said in that example is a red herring. It’s just designed to pull the parent off course and frustrate them, hoping to delay or even get out of mowing the lawn altogether (or even better still getting their parent to do it out of sheer exasperation). In my experience, most parents naturally bite on herrings until they see them for what they are. Only then are they able to successfully avoid getting upset and engaging in such pointless disagreements with their teens.

How Parents Can Spot Red Herrings with Their Teens

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