Jami Carder Coaching

Shout out to those who grew up in a family in which they felt like they didn’t fit in. Especially those struggling on Father’s Day.

This is one of my favorite childhood photos. I used to sneak into my dad’s closet and put on his firefighting gear. It was so heavy, I could barely walk in it. But I loved how it felt. It was almost like the weight of the gear was connecting me to my hero. I became part of him. He was brave and cool and strong, and he taught me everything I knew about male love.

I look at this photo through blurry, multi-factorial tears. I’m 53 now. Some of my tears are from this little girl, so in love with her dad, she’d do anything to get closer to him. But nothing ever felt close enough.

She knew it was because she wasn’t enough. She didn’t have that language, but she knew it, nonetheless. He kept that love at arms-length, for reasons he only knew. Hell, he probably didn’t know, either.

Other tears are from 53-year-old me. The version of me who worked her ass off rewriting the narrative that she wasn’t enough, simply because other people couldn’t figure out how to show it. The me who learned about different male love. The me who cries for that little kid who tried, failed and accepted her fate.

Most days, I’m good. I know my lovability is not determined by people who haven’t figured out how to love properly, no matter the reason. And I love him, despite all that's happened. He'll never know that, but that's ok. My love has no conditions. My access does, but not my love.

Still, I’m always walking that tightrope, balancing the little girl who craves paternal affection and protection with the grown woman who knows that even if the estrangement ended, she’ll still never fit in.

Nor would she want to.

There's no happy ending to this.

So, she protects that little girl who no one cared to protect.
And she sure as hell loves her more than anyone ever has.

That little girl isn’t alone anymore. She's not unlovable. And she's more than enough. Because she's got the 53-year-old badass lovable version of her showing her the way. And together, they walk that tightrope, ever so mindful of the joyful moments they encounter along the journey.

So, this is a shout out to those who are walking that tightrope.

It’s ok to fall off either side. Just make sure you get back up.

It’s ok to crave love from your family. You’re hard-wired for it. Just don't let go of loving yourself.

It’s ok to leave your family, even if it breaks your heart. Just remember that boundaries are the greatest form of self-love.

It’s ok if they leave you because you got tired of playing the role they assigned you. Just know it's a reflection of their wounds, not of you.

It’s ok if you cry or yell or feel depressed, or go no contact or reach out to them, or take a break to nurture yourself or live the hell out of your life at full speed.

It's ok to be your authentic self, even if you don't know what that is yet.

It’s ok if you do all of these things. Or a bunch of other things. Because there is no damn manual for not fitting in with your family. We gotta write this thing as we go along.

Just know that I see you. You and all of your badass lovability.

Now, get to work so you can see it, too💕

Jami Carder coaching Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching

Sometimes, attachment sucks.

For most of my life, I repeated the same relationship pattern over and over again. I’d fall for the guy who felt like “the one.” The chemistry was undeniable. My attachment to these men was intoxicating. I was sure each one was my soul mate, and that we would live happily ever after…once they were able to change just a few things.

Those changes never materialized. Ever. Not with any of the men I felt this way with. The lack of change became excruciating. Yet, I still couldn’t let go.

Even if we broke up, I couldn't let go. I'd obsess over the plans we made. The heartbreak seemed to last forever. It would often become embarrassing, but I just couldn't help it.

I was in love, and changing who I loved was out of my control. I just couldn’t help who I felt that chemistry with.

Reality check: That is NOT true.

I absolutely CAN change who I’m attracted to. I know this, because that’s exactly what I did.

It was never love: It was attachment.

As I worked on myself, I learned that I wasn’t even really attached to those men.

💔I was attached to the need which they could not fulfill.

💔I was attached to the fantasy of what I wanted us to be.

💔I was attached to the idea of a man choosing to love me, even though the love they gave me was painful.

💔I was attached to the potential I knew was within them, even though they couldn’t see it.

💔I was attached to my own pattern of poor partner choosing, because the little girl in me was desperate to find the love she always craved.

So, I went to work.

Eventually, I realized that my attachment wasn’t even about them. It was about my needs, desires and unhealed hurts. It was about my wanting them to heal those old wounds that left me feeling insecure, unworthy and unlovable.

But they were never going to heal those wounds. Not only because they didn’t want to, but because they simply didn’t have that power.

The only person who has the power to heal my wounds is me.

And I did.

And now, I don’t cling to relationships like life rafts.

❤️‍🩹Now, relationships aren’t frustrating.

❤️‍🩹Now, my relationships don’t complete me. They enhance my already kickass life.

❤️‍🩹Now, I don’t attach. I consciously live my life side-by-side with someone who does his own work.

❤️‍🩹Now, I show up to relationships as the best version of myself. And I only choose partners who do the same.

❤️‍🩹Now, love is easy. Love is calm. Love is a choice.

This is what I choose.

What are you choosing?

If it's heartache, I can help💕

Jami Carder coaching Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching

This is me sitting in my favorite coffee shop in the North End of Boston. We walked several wet, slushy blocks to get there. If you’ve ever spent any part of a winter in Boston, you understand the perils of slush puddles at the edge of EVERY SINGLE crosswalk. There’s literally nowhere for it to go!

Valentine’s weekend.

Windy, cold and wet. Despite being a life-long New Englander, I struggle to tolerate the cold. I think God mixed me up with a southern baby. There’s no point in trying to look presentable in this weather. You’d just better make sure you have waterproof shoes, a solid hat and a thick scarf.

If you look like the Michelin Man on Valentine’s Day, so be it.

It didn’t matter. I loved this weekend.

And I love this photo. When I look at this, I’m not thinking about how I regretted not taking an Uber. I dont see my crazy hat-hair. I dont see three layers of wet clothes. I dont see wind burn on my cheeks.

I see contentment.

I see calm.

I see peace.

I see trust.

I see love.

I see me.

The version of me that is the result of years of work. Years of healing. Years of learning how to regulate my emotions. Years of learning and unlearning. Years of letting go. Years of reprogramming my brain to accept love from someone who keeps my nervous system regulated. Years of taking chances on myself. Years of learning how loveable I truly am.

I see me.

And he sees me, too.

It doesnt matter what kinds of storms are raging around you when you’ve done this work.

Love is calm. End of story.

Jami Carder coaching Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching

I turned 53 today.

I recently heard someone say something along the lines of, “we all have an invisible timer above our heads, and no one knows what it’s set to.” That resonated with me. How much time do I have left? 20 years? 20 hours? 20 minutes?

All I know is that there’s not enough left, no matter what my timer is set for.

I’ve spent the better part of the last decade taking a very deep dive into self-improvement. My mission was to change unhealthy and unsatisfying relationship patterns in my life, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job doing so. Of course, the work is never done, but that’s kind of the point. We should be trying to grow right up until our last breath.

I was recently chatting with a friend about personal growth. During our conversation about how our childhood experiences and the behavior of our parents shapes our own behavior in adult relationships, and how our goal is to reshape that behavior, I began to ask her, “what do you want your life to look like?” But I stopped, mid-sentence. Because it occurred to me that defining the details of what we want our life to look like, such as finding a partner, owning a home, having a certain career, living in a certain area…all of that could cause us to miss out on opportunities that don’t look like our defined goals. Or it’s possible that despite obtaining those goals, we still might not feel satisfied. So, I changed my question.

“What do you want your life to FEEL like?”

Reframing the question changes everything. How often are we asked about how we want to feel, when defining goals?

Here’s the thing: very few of us are ever taught the difference between what a regulated or dysregulated nervous system feels like. Hell, most of us don’t even know what that term means. I know I hadn’t heard of it until I did my deep dive into this personal work.

Did you know that when you feel instant chemistry with someone, that’s usually not chemistry at all? More often than not, it’s anxiety. It’s familiarity. It’s a dysregulated nervous system. Because for those of us who grew up in homes in which love and/or anger was inconsistent from those who loved us, or who grew up in homes where love was mixed with abuse or chaos, we are naturally attracted to those who give off that similar energy. When you grow up being taught that love is accompanied by fear or abandonment or indifference or that love needs to be earned, then that’s exactly what love feels like as an adult. And when you find yourself in yet another unsatisfying, anxiety-inducing relationship that is the complete opposite of calm, you start imagining what you wish your life looked like.

I’m 53 years old, and it took me until just last year to figure out how to date using my nervous system. I stopped focusing on what I wanted things to look like and started prioritizing what I wanted to feel like. I wanted my nervous system to feel regulated with a partner. Early chemistry became a red flag as I began interviewing potential dates. I wouldn’t even consider sharing my time with someone until I knew if they checked the boxes of my nervous system dealbreakers or not: how did they approach conflict in relationships? What did they do for self-care? How did they demonstrate accountability with previous partners?

I asked questions about the things that had previously dysregulated my nervous system. How did I figure out what those things were? Well, it was pretty simple. I asked myself my own set of questions about my past relationships. What made me feel frustrated? What did I find myself always trying to change about my partners? Which circumstances led me to feel undervalued? What did I find myself trying to control in others?

We can point our fingers at our partners all day long, but growth will not happen until we point it at ourselves and admit to the role we play in our own heartache.

It wasn’t just dating that this applied to. It was any aspect in my life that led to feeling anxiety or the need to control.

Once I started focusing more on what would lead me to feeling calm, finding the right partner wasn’t even a priority any longer. Feeling content and satisfied was the priority, regardless of the details.

And I got there.

And wouldn’t you know it, once I got there…so did love.

So, tell me, for whatever amount of time you have left…what do you want your life to feel like?

I know many of my followers have had a lifetime of relationships similar to mine, and we can sum them up with one word: challenging.

Some had obvious, blaring red flag challenges, such as infidelity or abuse. But more often, the challenges were more difficult to identify. Invalidation, defensiveness, inconsistency, emotional unavailability…the list is endless.

Decades of frustration led me to finally decide to change my relationship patterns. I made this decision seven years ago and was determined to find amazing love with my soulmate.

I put in the work: I healed old wounds, I leaned into the discomfort of accountability, and I learned to take chances on myself. I learned about attachment theory, generational trauma, neuroplasticity and emotional regulation.

It worked!

I was proud of myself for falling in love with someone who was emotionally available. So proud, that I overlooked the part of me falling into my old role of caretaker and codependency, focusing on potential instead of reality.

When I realized this, I felt ashamed. All of that work and there I was, stuck in an unsatisfying and ultimately failed relationship. I thought I must not have worked hard enough on myself.

So, back to work I went.

I focused on the art of rupture and repair, accountability and emotional safety. I identified the things I didn’t want from partners and learned to identify ALL of the red flags.

And then, I did something different. I stopped pointing the finger at my past partners and turned it around on myself. It was uncomfortable, but I forced myself to identify my role in my discomfort. After all, I was the one signing up for these experiences. No one was forcing me.

I began to look at dating as interviewing. I intently focused on basing my partner choices less on chemistry (which, for the anxiously attached is really just anxiety in disguise), and on more on compatibility. I became comfortable asking questions that I never would have asked before when first dating someone.

~How do you handle conflict within a relationship?
~What role did you play in your last break up?
~What does repair look like to you?

My patterns changed from challenging relationships to…challenging relationships! But new, healthier challenges were at the forefront. Learning to be vulnerable. Setting boundaries. Being accountable. Making authentic repair. Regulating my emotions. Recognizing when my wounded inner-child was steering the ship and gently taking over for her. Walking away from love when I need to.

Beautiful challenges.

Slowly, I realized that each failed relationship wasn’t failure at all. They were opportunities to learn more about what I wanted and deserved in a partner and provided me with valuable information I could use to make better choices in the future. My shame lifted as I realized not finding “the one” had nothing to do with how hard I worked. I’ve worked plenty hard, and I’m proud of how I’m now able to integrate my knowledge into the most personal areas of my life. I decided there doesn’t have to be “the one.” I’m OK with lots of “ones,” as long as I know when to walk away from the table that’s not serving me well. And I give myself some grace when I don’t walk away as fast as I “should,” or when I choose someone based upon that intoxicating “chemistry” or any of the other things I’m trying to reprogram.

Most importantly, I stopped needing a partner. I’ll always be ready to have the right person join my journey, but I love my life as-is. I’m being the best partner I can to ME and loving myself the right way.

It’s incredible.

It’s no longer about the end goal of finding amazing love with my soulmate, because it’s already here.

It’s me💕

Jami Carder coaching Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching

Father’s Day is tricky for the estranged child.

I never know what I’m going to feel on this holiday. Sadness? Anger? Grief? Pain? Regret? Unlovableness? Nothing?

I’ve felt all of those emotions, and more that are challenging to label, for the past 7 years on this weekend. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter if it’s Father’s Day or not. The feelings come when they come, and there’s not much I can do about them.

In the beginning, I felt ALL of them. Father’s Day was a massive reminder of what I’d lost, how I’d been treated, the hopes and plans that had been eliminated from my pleading heart. It was excruciatingly painful and there were some days I wasn’t sure I’d survive the loss.

I felt jealous seeing all of my friends post photos of their dads, praising them for being such amazing presences in their lives. It didn’t feel fair.

But time passed, and I began to heal. I worked on rewriting the inner-narrative that told me I was unlovable due to others not being capable of loving me properly.

This work allowed me to let go of the fantasies I’d created about him. It allowed me to let go of my anger and frustration. It allowed me to let go of the need to establish connection, get him to come back to me or right the story that was circulating about me to justify the dysfunction in my family.

This work allowed me to let go of the shame that was never mine to carry.

By letting go of all those things, I made room for joy. My perspective shifted, and I discovered I was lovable as hell…and I didn’t need anyone to love me to feel that way.

My life is amazing, despite what’s happened. I ride the waves of grief when they come, and I let them roll away without clinging.

Today, I celebrated Father’s Day at the beach. I soaked up the sun, enjoyed the company of friends (and my pup!) and connected with nature. I loved seeing my friend’s beautiful posts about their dads. And I remembered the good times I had with my dad, back in the day, because that’s what I chose to do, even though I felt a little sad. I’m learning I can still love him without losing myself in the messiness of what’s happened.

I loved myself today🩵

There’s a peaceful beauty in sadness when you learn to not carry it with you.

There’s so much in our lives we can’t control. All we can control is what we choose to carry with us and how we choose to respond to those uncontrollable things.

If you are estranged from a loved one, I hope you are able to choose joy, even amidst the sadness💕

Jami Carder coaching Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching

An emotionally unavailable partner will make you feel like your basic needs are too much.

We need emotional safety in our relationships. But since we are rarely taught what this looks like, many of us spend our lives tolerating our dysregulated nervous systems because we don’t want to upset the apple cart or appear too needy. Or we make excuses for why our needs are not being met as we stay in these relationships much longer than we should.

This is ingrained in us from childhood. Dig deep enough, and you'll find the root.

⭐️So, what behaviors cause us to feel emotionally unsafe?

~We can’t feel safe when our attempts at expressing our emotions are met with dismissiveness or name-calling.

~We can’t feel safe when our partner’s actions don’t match up with their words.

~We can’t feel safe when our attempts at solving conflict are met with condescending words, sarcasm or put-downs.

~We can’t feel safe when our partners are defensive.

~We can’t feel safe living with broken promises.

~We can’t feel safe when there is repeated lack of follow-through.

~We can’t feel safe when we bring up something that’s wrong and they take it as a personal attack.

~We can’t feel safe walking on eggshells because the relationship is only “good” if we are quiet about our needs.

Does any of this sound familiar? Are you embarrassed to admit you have a pattern of living this way with your partners?

Me too.

But having awareness of this is the first step in changing the pattern. We have to acknowledge the passes we’ve given these emotionally unavailable people so we can train our brains to set boundaries with ourselves the next time we fall in love with this familiar energy.

⭐️So, what does an emotionally safe partner look like?

~An emotionally safe partner listens, even when they don’t agree or understand.

~An emotionally safe partner is reliable. Their actions match up with their words.

~An emotionally safe partner is honest and accountable for their actions.

~An emotionally safe partner clearly communicates their needs, feelings and intentions.

~An emotionally safe partner initiates repair when trust has been ruptured.

~An emotionally safe partner understands that your bringing concerns to them is not an attack on their character, but a sign that you value the relationship and want to make it stronger.

~An emotionally safe partner does not hide from conflict.

~An emotionally safe partner is consistent with all of the above.

An emotionally safe partner will not have expectations of you betraying your own well-being to accommodate theirs.

⭐️But here’s the plot twist:

None of this matters if you are emotionally unavailable to yourself.

If you betray your own well-being to accommodate theirs, if you tolerate the lack of emotional safety, if you choose to stay silent in order to keep the relationship “good,” then YOU are the one denying yourself the emotional safety you seek.

We can only show up in a relationship with the depth in which we show up for ourselves.

Changing the pattern starts with YOU.

Yes, it's going to be REALLY hard. But you're so worth it. And so am I. So let's do it together💕

Jami Carder, LLC Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching

There will be people who are more invested in protecting their ego than in taking accountability. They will choose the safety of avoidance over the security of vulnerability and connection…even if it means losing the person who would walk through fire to help them heal.

But we all know what happens when you walk through fire.

If you’re worried about your relationship being ruined from a conversation about your feelings, your expectations, or concerns about behavior, it might be time to take a step back and figure out what it is you're willing to walk through fire for.

Healing individuals will lean into uncomfortable conversations to learn about themselves, heal past traumas and personally grow. They will be curious to understand how they hurt their partner and what they can do to prevent it from happening again. They apologize and initiate repair, regardless of the discomfort to their ego.

Healing partners will look at conflict as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship.

Unhealed individuals will defend and deflect so they can hide from their behavior, and more so, hide from WHY they exhibit that behavior. They’ve been hiding from this pain their entire lives, and don’t like it when someone sees it for what it is. These partners will purposely destroy a relationship with you because you set boundaries and have standards that you won’t compromise on.

Once the relationship ends, as it inevitably will, they will seek out a weaker partner who will accept the bare minimum. This validates their behavior and perpetuates the cycle of unhealthy relationships.

If you recognize yourself in this scenario, it’s okay. There is no shame being on either side of the relationship. Our relationships mirror our past traumas, but also provide an opportunity for healing... if we allow them to.

But at the end of the day, only you can decide which type of relationship cycle you want to nourish.

Only you can decide that you are worthy of love, and that begins before any relationship starts.

I’m learning that living in discomfort while I wait for someone to reach their potential is on me. I can’t expect someone to be committed to me when they aren’t even committed to themselves.

Each time I walk away from someone I love, I become better at loving me💕

Jami Carder, LLC Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching

I’m not great at letting go…but I’m getting better.

My childhood attachment trauma set the stage for a life spent clinging to relationships like life rafts.

It didn’t matter if I was being treated poorly…I made excuses.

It didn’t matter if they didn’t love themselves…I loved them harder.

It didn’t matter if they left me…I chased.

It didn’t matter if it was toxic…I stayed.

For me, anything was better than losing love.

I’ve come a long way since then. I can end relationships on my own now. This is because I’ve healed a lot of the wounds that caused me to abandon myself.

But not all of them.

Sometimes, it can take me a few attempts at ending something before it sticks.

Or, it might stick, but it takes longer than I want it to for me to let go.

Breaking life-long patterns is hard. And it’s definitely not like flipping a switch for most of us.

So, if you’ve worked your tail off at being a cycle-breaker, cut yourself some slack if you find yourself slipping back into the old patterns. You’re still breaking cycles, simply by being aware that these patterns exist. Neuroplastcity (changing our brain’s thought patterns) takes repetition. Each go-around, you’ll recognize it sooner, recover sooner, and eventually, you might not do it at all.

Walking away from someone you love is one of the strongest things you can do.

You’ll grieve. You might reach out to them. Your heart will ache so badly that you might try to work it out. You might ruminate or maybe you’ll shut down.

Whatever you find yourself doing, it’s Ok. Just keep going.

I’m not great at letting go, but I’m getting better. The discomfort of losing someone else’s love is way better than losing my own.

I’m a cycle-breaker🦋

**And if all else fails, get a puppy…you’ll be too tired and busy for anything else. Trust me💕

Jami Carder, LLC Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching

I’ve aggressively worked on unlearning what I was taught about love. And I swear, I'm not using the word "aggressively" lightly!

I’ve taken courses, read books, joined support groups and earned certifications. I’ve gone to couples therapy, individual therapy and became a trauma coach and coach mentor.

I’ve become certified in healing modalities such as reflexology, Reiki, yoga and meditation.

I’ve held retreats, taught classes, participated in summits and forums.
I've written many articles on attachment theory, life patterns and conditioning.

I’ve done all of this to learn, unlearn and teach others about our love patterns. Because, as humans, we are here to love. We are hard-wired for it, whether we feel comfortable acknowledging this fact or not. It’s a necessary part of our survival. So, the more we learn about what makes love easier and more satisfying, the easier and more satisfying living becomes.

Wait…scratch that.

It’s not easy. Not one bit.

Unlearning painful love patterns and learning healthy love patterns is HARD. It’s MESSY. It’s FLAWED. It's PAINFUL.

It’s so hard, that even I still struggle with it.

Yep. The attachment theory, love pattern, self-love, empowerment pro still has her moments struggling with love.

Here’s why:

I’m human.

So, at the start of this new year, I want all who have been working their tails off on changing dysfunctional life patterns to remember this ONE thing as you continue your self-healing, self-loving, empowerment journey:

It’s OK to not be perfect at this.

It's actually expected that you will not be perfect at this. That's not the goal.

The goal is to stay on the journey...even when it sucks.

Especially when it sucks.

We are flawed, messy, beautiful creatures of habit who have these amazing brains that compensated for and helped us survive the storms we lived through.

Let’s cut our brains, and ourselves, some slack when we discover we are back in the old pattern of chasing love, or trying to change someone into who we need them to be, or trying to help someone grow when they haven’t asked for our help. Let’s cut ourselves some slack when we find ourselves emotionally reactive, feeling unlovable and defensive, putting our needs aside or taking other people’s inability to love us personally. Let’s cut ourselves some slack when we find ourselves in love with someone’s potential, or when we notice that we are waiting for them to heal so we can be loved like we need to be loved. Let’s cut ourselves some slack when we catch ourselves trying to talk someone into treating us well instead of walking away.

It’s important to show ourselves some grace in these seemingly back-sliding situations, because each time we catch ourselves back in an old pattern, we recognize it just a little bit sooner than we did the last time. We gain the courage to leave a painful relationship just a little bit sooner than we did the last time. Each go-around with the grief of a failed relationship, we bounce back just a little bitter sooner.

We gain wisdom.

Learning about patterns…where they came from, why they aren’t helpful and which ones we want…isn’t a magic bullet. We’ve had an entire lifetime of being oblivious to the skillful workings of our brains in survival mode. It's so easy to shame ourselves for not being where we feel we should be.

Let’s give our brains some time to make those new pathways. It’s messy. It’s flawed. It’s painful. It's lengthy. Did I mention painful?

Remember, we are here to love. But we have to love ourselves fully before we can figure it out how to share that with others.

Let's focus on spending the next year learning. Not perfecting. Forgiving. Not shaming. Being patient with our emerging selves and not rushing. Being curious. Not defensive.

Yes, it's hard. But you’re so worth this effort.

And so am I.

Here's to improving in love in 2024💕

Jami Carder, LLC Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching