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I’ve been in glasses or contact lenses since kindergarten.

My -11.00 prescription wins all sorts of prizes for terrible. Last week I was back at the eye doctor, squinting at those little letters, and the doctor asked if I could see the middle row.

My response: 𝐃𝐞𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐞 “𝐬𝐞𝐞.”

I could sort of make out the letters and could hazard a decent guess, but this was not my idea of “seeing.” 𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲 — in her question, and in my vision.

𝑪𝑳𝑨𝑹𝑰𝑻𝒀 𝑴𝑨𝑻𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑺

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𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄

𝐄𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐃𝐚𝐲
Last year a client requested a reschedule. I let her know I could hold a specific time for her only until “end of day.” At 6pm I hadn’t heard from her so I released the time. At 9pm she wrote to confirm, having just finished her shift in the emergency room (she’s a doctor.)

𝟗𝐩𝐦 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐚𝐲, 𝟔𝐩𝐦 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐄. She was upset, not just because I had released the time, but also because she felt like I didn’t fully grasp (or respect) the long hours required in her demanding job.

I apologized for not being clearer — this was on me and I learned an important lesson. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 identified where she had allowed our miscommunication to create a larger, unhelpful story in her mind. And a super valuable conversation followed.
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𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞
My husband is a musician. In our early dating days I used to get so frustrated by his “loose” understanding of time. I’d ask him how much longer he planned to practice before he’d be done for the day. He’d say “2 hours.” But then 2 hours would come and go and he’d 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦, working away. 𝑺𝑶 𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈!

*I* thought he didn’t want to hang out with me. 𝘏𝘦 was confused. (Because he 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 wants to hang out with me 😊.) Turns out his “2 hours” didn’t include practice breaks.

Once we figured this out, our agreement was that he would translate his practice time into what I call “people time.” Two hours practice time = 2 hours and 20 minutes “people time.” ______________

𝐇𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧’𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞
A client came into a recent session steaming mad. Her husband hadn’t lived up to his agreement to have dinner ready when she got home at the end of the day. She'd come home exhausted, grumpy and starved. Pizza delivery was on its way, but running late. She was furious. 𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒔𝒊𝒈𝒏 𝒐𝒇 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒅.

I asked, “When you made this agreement did you get really clear about what “dinner” means? About what “ready” means?” She thought this was patently obvious — until they had a followup conversation. She realized that her idea of dinner — a gorgeous salad + lean protein + glass of wine, all ready and waiting on the dining table — 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝, 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐝. (And also not realistic given his similarly demanding schedule.) They got clear and came to a new, more specific and more realistic agreement.
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𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫 - 𝐙𝐞𝐫𝐨 - 𝐙𝐞𝐫𝐨
When a new client begins with we make a commitment to each other. Our sessions are often the 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 on a client's busy calendar which is devoted purely to them — we agree to honor this and to start on time. Then we get clear on what “on time” actually means. Plus or minus 5 minutes? 10? 𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐄. We agree that for the purposes of our work, “on time” means that a 4pm session begins when the computer clock says 4 - 0 - 0.

𝐖𝐡𝐲? Because when a client starts to slip and arrive late, it’s often a sign of other things slipping in their life, starting with the ability to prioritize their own needs. This gives us really valuable information, made possible only by our clear agreement.

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𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐃𝐎𝐖𝐍
𝐒𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐜𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞. 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫, 𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭, 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐬𝐞𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐡.

But this isn’t just about efficiency and effectiveness. Clarity can serve us in so many ways:

𝐖𝐢𝐧𝐬
Many of my clients are hard-driving, high achieving leaders who rarely stop to celebrate or acknowledge a win. When a leader takes the time to clearly define what “success” means for a project it helps hold everyone accountable — 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒍𝒚, 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒍𝒖𝒅𝒆𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒂𝒄𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘𝒍𝒆𝒅𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒄𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒃𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒔𝒖𝒄𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒅. It’s demoralizing to work for a leader who constantly moves the goal posts and never sees the “win.” Defining “success” helps combat this.

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𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐈𝐍𝐕𝐈𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐎 𝐑𝐄𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐂𝐓:
Is there room for more clarity in your life? 𝐇𝐢𝐧𝐭: look for simmering resentments or irritations. They often point to the need for more clarity. And if you're feeling a lot resistance to this idea, 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒄𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔! Did you learn somewhere along the way that asking for clarity (or being clear) isn't “nice” or “polite”? It might be time to update your thinking.

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PS — Are you trying to spend less time scrolling? I am! Put yourself on my mailing list and receive this same content, but on your own terms. Sign up here: https://iamelizabethrowe.myflodesk.com/follow

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I’ve just made a major, irreversible change to my professional life. There’s no going back to being the principal flutist of the Boston Symphony Orchestra.

Ever.

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𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐟 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐞 𝐈’𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐚 𝐛𝐢𝐠 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞?

This ^^ is the question that could keep me up at night.

But it doesn’t.

Not because I have a crystal ball and can guarantee that 1, 5, or 10 years from now I won’t look back at my decision to step down from the BSO and wonder if maybe I should have stayed. 𝘐 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵!

It’s because, at this point in my life, after plenty of big decisions that have taken me to unexpected places, 𝐈’𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 — 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐬.

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Whether it's making a major business decision, deciding to start a family (or not to), choosing to leave a big job … 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐤.

Especially a life lived fully and boldly.

Big decisions often require a leap into the abyss. And we simply do not have the power to guarantee the outcome. But we do have the power to shape our response when things don’t go as planned; when that big scary leap dumps us on our butt, hard; when the risk doesn’t pan out.

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“𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘐 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘣𝘪𝘨 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦?” comes up for my clients, too.

And it might even come up for you, sometimes?

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐲𝐳𝐞 𝐮𝐬 𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐚 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐰𝐞’𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐭𝐨𝐨.

When clients ask this question we slow down and we play it out. We don’t focus on predicting external outcomes. Rather, we ask questions like, “𝘐𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘬 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘧𝘧, 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧? 𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶?”

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𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟, 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐫 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭?

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Will you show up as a supportive partner, or will you beat yourself up with your own personal version of “𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙖𝙣 𝙞𝙙𝙞𝙤𝙩.”

When clients make big decisions I help them to create agreements with themselves. They make an agreement that no matter the outcome, they will have their own back. They agree to remind themselves that they made the best possible decision they could at the time, with the information they had at hand.

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▶︎ 𝐇𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝟐𝟎/𝟐𝟎. 𝐖𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐳𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲.

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We can also agree to remind ourselves that we are resilient, resourceful and that we will regroup.

These agreements (and the willingness to practice them) allow us to come back to the present, to focus on what’s right in front of us, and to let go and trust that 𝐰𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭.

These agreements definitely don't protect us from falling on our butts. But they limit the “ouch” to just the fall. We don’t compound the injury with harsh self-judgment.

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Of course it’s important to look back and learn from our mistakes. But it’s pretty darn hard to get curious when we’re feeling defensive and attacked. It's a lot easier to learn when we’re not berating ourselves.

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟. This is why I’m not afraid of a day when I might look back and think that, given whatever has since unfolded, maybe this risk was bigger than I realized.

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This is why I’m calm, even after having taken a big (and scary) leap.

(That, plus the fact that I absolutely love my coaching work and my days are immensely rewarding. 🩵)

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𝗜𝗡𝗩𝗜𝗧𝗔𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡 𝗧𝗢 𝗥𝗘𝗙𝗟𝗘𝗖𝗧: What would it look like for you to partner with yourself differently the next time you take a risk? What might be possible if you did?

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