I made my NPE discovery in 1995, at the age of 37, long before the era of recreational DNA testing. At the time I was a married father of two, river guide, and entrepreneur. For seven years prior I had suspected that my biological father was not the man on my birth certificate. The reasons for my suspicions are complex and well beyond the scope of this writing, but suffice to say that they were ba
sed on a strong intuition, and not much more. It took time to track down the truth, but the culmination of my search turned out to be a beginning, not a resolution. My discovery launched a long, traumatic, immensely challenging, and incredibly rewarding journey. For most of the next two decades, I struggled to come to terms with the new version of my story. At the time there was little understanding of the psychological consequences of this type of event, and even the professionals I sought out for help had difficulty offering useful tools. My relationship with my mother was irrevocably damaged. I was able to forgive her for the choices she made when I was an infant, but not for the manner in which she handled my discovery. She bitterly resented that I would not keep her secret for her. She also resented the fact that I developed a relationship with my biological father and half-brothers. When she died in 2004, we had still not forgiven each other. My internal process included years of identity and trust crisis, addiction, depression, hypomania, suicidal ideation. My relationships with my partner, children, and other family members suffered terribly as a result. During this time I searched for modalities that could help me put my experiences in perspective, but many only addressed some small aspect of my trauma. I did years of traditional therapy, looking at family of origin issues. In 2010 I found the gift of sobriety, which finally enabled me to reconcile the betrayal trauma, moral injury, and identity issues that are now recognized as hallmarks of the NPE / MPE experience. I spent eight years living in Bali, where I studied yoga, family constellations, conscious relating, and ta**ra. I became a Breathwork Facilitator, which gave me access to a more somatic approach to trauma recovery. One day, after decades of piecing together a course of treatment for myself, I had an epiphany. I realized that, probably for the first time in my life, I was ok. I was at peace with both my family of origin and my current family. I could relax into the feeling of being ok with who I was. It was a profound moment, bought at a great price. In 2019, I started seeing stories on social media about people making unexpected misattributed parentage discoveries through direct-to-consumer DNA testing. I heard the term “NPE” for the first time. I started networking, connecting with, and supporting other people who were going through what I had experienced. For the first time since I made my discovery, I was able to talk with others who were going through the same emotional and psychological roller coaster that I had been through. It was like finding an oasis after wandering parched in the desert for years. I found that my experiences and perspectives enabled me to provide valuable guidance for people who were struggling. I began the process of education and training that would facilitate formal support for those embarking on the post-discovery path. I completed the Initial and Advanced NPE Trauma Recovery Coaching training and went back to college, where I am currently working towards a master’s in Counseling Psychology at Southern Oregon University. I have found my purpose. I am here to guide others on their journey, and to help them find comprehensive and targeted resources, so that their post-discovery experience can be easier than mine was. There is nothing else that I would rather be doing with my life.
~ Richard
