07/30/2026
After ten years of coaching people through relationship patterns, I’ve learned that most people don’t stay stuck because they don’t care or aren’t trying hard enough.
They stay stuck because some part of the pattern is still protecting them.
That was true for me.
My defensiveness protected me from shame.
Blaming my husband meant I didn’t have to face my own impact.
Staying attached to the identity of being misunderstood meant I didn’t have to become someone new.
And that was the hardest part to admit:
A pattern can be painful and still be giving you something.
Maybe it helps you avoid vulnerability, keeps you from feeling one-down, allows you to remain the victim, or protects you from responsibility, rejection, failure, or change.
That doesn’t make you broken.
It means the pattern developed for a reason.
But until you understand what it’s doing for you, you may keep trying to change the behavior without ever changing what’s creating it.
This is exactly the kind of work I help individuals and couples do inside my Relationship Design Deep Dive:
a private 90-minute session where we slow everything down, identify what’s really organizing the relationship beneath the surface, and get clear on what would need to shift.
DM me DEEP DIVE and I’ll send you the details.
