Peaceful Parenting

Good stuff for parents here

Want to be a great parent? Want to raise a happy, healthy, well-behaved kid? Want to live in a home where discipline becomes unnecessary? The secret is to create a closer connection with your child.
"What do you mean? Of course I love my kid, and I tell him so all the time. But that doesn't mean he doesn't need discipline!"

It isn’t enough that we tell our children we love them. We need to put our love into action every day for them to feel it. And when we do that our kids need a lot less discipline!

"But what does that mean, putting our love into action?"

Mostly, it means making that connection with our child our highest priority. Love in action means paying thoughtful attention to what goes on between us, seeing things from the our child's point of view, and always remembering that this child who sometimes may drive us crazy is still that precious baby we welcomed into our arms with such hope.

"Doesn't that take a lot of energy?"

It takes a lot of effort to fully attend to another human being, but when we are really present with our child, we often find that it energizes us and makes us feel more alive, as being fully present with anyone does. Being close to another human takes work. But 90% of people on their deathbed say that their biggest regret is that they didn't get closer to the people in their lives. And almost all parents whose children are grown say they wish they had spent more time with their kids.

"Being fully present? How can I do that when I'm just trying to get dinner on the table and keep from tripping over the toys?"

Being present just means paying attention. Like a marriage or a friendship, your relationship with your child needs positive attention to thrive. Attention = Love. Like your garden, your car, or your work, what you attend to flourishes. And, of course, that kind of attentiveness takes time. You can multi-task at it while you're making dinner, but the secret of a great relationship is some focused time every day attending only to that child.

"This is all too vague for me. What am I supposed to actually DO?"

1. Start right for a firm foundation.
The closeness of the parent-child connection throughout life results from how much parents connect with their babies, right from the beginning. For instance, research has shown that fathers who take a week or more off work when their babies are born have a closer relationship with their child at every stage, including as teens and college students. Is this cause and effect? The bonding theorists say that if a man bonds with his newborn, he will stay closer to her throughout life. But you don't have to believe that bonding with a newborn is crucial to note that the kind of man who treasures his newborn and nurtures his new family is likely to continue doing so in ways that bring them closer throughout her childhood.

2. Remember that all relationships take work.
Good parent-child connections don’t spring out of nowhere, any more than good marriages do. Biology gives us a headstart -- if we weren’t biologically programmed to love our infants the human race would have died out long ago -- but as kids get older we need to build on that natural bond, or the challenges of modern life can erode it. Luckily, children automatically love their parents. As long as we don't blow that, we can keep the connection strong.

3. Prioritize time with your child.
Assume that you'll need to put in a significant amount of time creating a good relationship with your child. Quality time is a myth, because there’s no switch to turn on closeness. Imagine that you work all the time, and have set aside an evening with your husband, whom you’ve barely seen in the past six months. Does he immediately start baring his soul? Not likely.

In relationships, without quantity, there’s no quality. You can’t expect a good relationship with your daughter if you spend all your time at work and she spends all her time with her friends. So as hard as it is with the pressures of job and daily life, if we want a better relationship with our kids, we have to free up the time to make that happen.

4. Start with trust, the foundation of every good relationship.
Trust begins in infancy, when your baby learns whether she can depend on you to pick her up when she needs you. By the time babies are a year old, researchers can assess whether babies are “securely attached” to their parents, which basically means the baby trusts that his parents can be depended on to meet his emotional and physical needs.

Over time, we earn our children’s trust in other ways: following through on the promise we make to play a game with them later, not breaking a confidence, picking them up on time.

At the same time, we extend our trust to them by expecting the best from them and believing in their fundamental goodness and potential. We trust in the power of human development to help our child grow, learn, and mature. We trust that although our child may act like a child today, he or she is always developing into a more mature person (just as, hopefully, we are.) We trust that no matter what he or she does, there is always the potential for positive change.

Trust does not mean blindly believing what your teenager tells you. Trust means not giving up on your child, no matter what he or she does. Trust means never walking away from the relationship in frustration, because you trust that she needs you and that you will find a way to work things out.

5. Encourage, Encourage, Encourage.
Think of your child as a plant who is programmed by nature to grow and blossom. If you see the plant has brown leaves, you consider if maybe it needs more light, more water, more fertilizer. You don't criticize it and yell at it to straighten up and grow right.

Kids form their view of themselves and the world every day. They need your encouragement to see themselves as good people who are capable of good things. And they need to know you're on their side. If most of what comes out of your mouth is correction or criticism, they won't feel good about themselves, and they won't feel like you're their ally. You lose your only leverage with them, and they lose something every kid needs: to know they have an adult who thinks the world of them.

6. Remember that respect must be mutual.
Pretty obvious, right? But we forget this with our kids, because we know we’re supposed to be the boss. You can still set limits (and you must), but if you do it respectfully and with empathy, your child will learn both to treat others with respect and to expect to be treated respectfully himself.

Once when I became impatient with my then 3 year old, he turned to me and said “I don’t like it when you talk to me that way.” A friend who was with us said, “If he’s starting this early, you’re going to have big problems when he’s a teenager!” In fact, rather than challenging my authority, my toddler was simply asking to be treated with the dignity he had come to expect. Now a teenager, he continues to treat himself, me, and others, respectfully. And he chooses peers who treat him respectfully. Isn’t that what we all want for our kids?

7. Think of relationships as the slow accretion of daily interactions.
You don’t have to do anything special to build a relationship with your child. The good -- and bad -- news is that every interaction creates the relationship. Grocery shopping, carpooling and bathtime matter as much as that big talk you have when there’s a problem. He doesn’t want to share his toy, or go to bed, or do his homework? How you handle it is one brick in the foundation of your permanent relationship, as well as his ideas about all relationships.

That’s one reason it’s worth thinking through any recurring interactions that get on your nerves to see how you might handle them differently. Interactions that happen more than once tend to initiate a pattern. Nagging and criticizing are no basis for a relationship with someone you love. And besides, your life is too short for you to spend it in a state of annoyance.

8. Communication habits start early.
Do you listen when she prattles on interminably about her friends at preschool, even when you have more important things to think about? Then she’s more likely to tell you about her interactions with boys when she’s fourteen.

It’s hard to pay attention when you’re rushing to pick up food for dinner and get home, but if you aren’t really listening, two things happen. You miss an opportunity to learn about and teach your child, and she learns that you don’t really listen so there’s not much point in talking.

9. Don't take it personally.
Your teenager slams the door to her bedroom. Your ten year old huffs "Mom, you never understand!" Your four year old screams "I hate you, Daddy!" What's the most important thing to remember? DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! This isn't primarily about you, it's about them: their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their emotions. Taking it personally wounds you, which means you do what we all do when hurt: either close off, or lash out, or both. Which just worsens a tough situation for all concerned.

Remembering not to take it personally means you:

Take a deep breath
Let the hurt go
Remind yourself that your child does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment
Consciously lower your voice
Try hard to remember what it feels like to be a kid who is upset and over-reacting.
Think through how to respond calmly and constructively.
You can still set limits, but you do it from as calm a place as you can muster. Your child will be deeply grateful, even if she can't acknowledge it at the moment.

I'm not for a minute suggesting that you let your child treat you disrespectfully. I'm suggesting you act out of love, rather than anger, as you set limits. And if you're too angry to get in touch with your love at the moment, then wait.

10. Resist the impulse to be punitive.
How would you feel about someone who hurt, threatened, or humiliated you, "for your own good"? Kids do need our guidance, but punishing your child always erodes your relationship, which makes your child misbehave more. See Positive Discipline for more info on handling your anger and setting effective limits.

11. Don’t let little rifts build up.
If something’s wrong between you, find a way to bring it up and work it through positively. Choosing to withdraw (except temporarily, strategically) when your child seems intent on driving you away is ALWAYS a mistake. Every difficulty is an opportunity to get closer or create distance.

12. Re-connect after every separation.
Parents naturally provide an anchor, or compass, for kids to attach to and stay oriented around. When they're apart from us they need a substitute, so they orient themselves around teachers, coaches, electronics, or peers. When we rejoin each other physically we need to also rejoin emotionally. Click here for ideas on staying connected to your child.

13. Stay available.
Most kids don’t keep an agenda and bring things up at a scheduled meeting. And nothing makes them clam up faster than pressing them to talk. Kids talk when something is up for them, particularly if you've proven yourself to be a good listener, but not overly attached to their opening up to you.

Being on hand when they come home is a sure-fire way to hear the highlights of the day with younger kids, and even, often, with older ones. With older kids, simply being in the same room doing something can create the opportunity for interaction. If you’re cooking dinner and she’s doing homework, for instance, or the two of you are in the car alone, there's often an opening. Of course, if one of you is hunched over the computer, the interaction is likely to be more limited. Find ways to be in proximity where you’re both potentially available, without it seeming like a demand.

This may seem obvious, but stating your availability is helpful, even with teens.

"I'll be in the kitchen making dinner if you want me" or
"I have to run to the grocery store, but don't hesitate to call my cell phone if you need me."
But the most important part of staying available is a state of mind. Your child will sense your emotional availability. Parents who have close relationships with their teens often say that as their child has gotten older, they've made it a practice to drop everything else if their teen signals a desire to talk. This can be difficult if you're also handling a demanding job and other responsibilities, of course. But kids who feel that other things are more important to their parents often look elsewhere when they're emotionally needy. And that's our loss, as much as theirs.

What have you found to be the most difficult years to parent?

Why do kids need routines? Because routines give them a sense of security and help them develop self-discipline.

Humans are afraid of many things, but "the unknown" edges out everything except death and public speaking for most people. Children’s fear of the unknown includes everything from a suspicious new vegetable to a major change in their life. For better or worse, children are confronted with change daily, which is a growth opportunity, but also stressful.

The very definition of growing up is that their own bodies change on them constantly.

Babies and toddlers give up pacifiers, bottles, breasts, cribs, their standing as the baby of the family.

New teachers and classmates come and go every year.

They tackle and learn new skills and information at an astonishing pace, from reading and crossing the street to soccer and riding a bike. Few children live in the same house during their entire childhood; most move several times, often to new cities and certainly to new neighborhoods and schools.

And few of these changes are within the child’s control.

Children, like the rest of us, handle change best if it is expected and occurs in the context of a familiar routine. A predictable routine allows children to feel safe, and to develop a sense of mastery in handling their lives.

Read the full article here:

Why Kids Need Routines Children handle change best if it is expected and occurs in the context of a familiar routine. A routine allows children to feel safe and develop a sense of mastery in handling life.

Find The Fun in Parenting Again!

"My daughter's behavior changed very much and we have built a so much nicer relationship. I discovered the joy again in being a parent - something that went missing before which made the days so often terrible for everybody. Thank you!"

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It’s developmentally appropriate for… - An 18-month old to do the opposite of the instructions given - A 2 year old to have almost ZERO patience and to want what they want when they want it - A 3 year old to whine, cry or frequently question if you love them - A 4 year old to have large mood swings - A 5 year old to be rude and contentious - A 6 year old to be dramatic and loud - A 7 year old to crave both control & privacy - An 8 year old to put themselves down in order to get extra praise - A 9 year old to be impatient & short-tempered - A 10 year old to be direct & matter-of-fact - An 11 year old to be emotionally immature and unaware of how their behavior is effecting others - A 12 year old to not want to be seen as a “little kid” anymore - A 13 year old to be moody, reclusive and very sensitive to criticism - A 14 year old to overly analyze other people, including their parents - A 15 year old to be more defiant or appear apathetic - A 16 year old to be very independent & to demand more of your trust Does this mean, we let our children act however they please without teaching, leading or guiding them? Definitely not. We can teach, lead and guide while ALSO having developmentally appropriate expectations of our children. To be clearer, in referring to the development of the PFC, I’m specifically referencing the ability to fully control emotions & impulses, to make decisions calmly and to speaking with kindness & respect without guidance… These abilities don’t begin to develop in the brain until around 7 (for some children it’s sooner & some later) and they are not fully developed (in ALL children) until their mid to late TWENTIES! 🤯 #emotionallyregulatedparenting #gentleparenting #respectfulparenting #peacefulparenting

Punishment does not work. It’s an almost innate response to unwanted behaviors, and something our parents taught us, and everyone is doing it, so how could it be wrong?

Because it doesn’t work, that’s how. Any parent who is constantly punishing their children should not be hard to convince. If it worked then why hasn’t the behavior changed? They most often just don’t know any other approach.
I say challenge those old ideas and habits that simply do not work.

There is another way. A much more effective way to shape your child’s behavior. My wife and I have gone from practicing all of the popular methods of punishment and discipline to using none of it, and we can attest to everything you’re about to read. Please do read this from Dr. Laura Markham. Try the 10 steps to guiding your child without punishment. It’s time to change that which hasn’t worked, and never will.

“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?”

Parents are often surprised to hear that most of what we think of as discipline -- s***kings, consequences, even timeouts -- doesn't help kids become responsible, self-disciplined people. After all, parents punish so kids will learn to behave, right?

But children learn what they live. The most effective way to teach kids is our modeling, and to treat them the way we want them to treat others: with compassion and understanding. When we s***k, punish, or yell, kids learn to act aggressively.

Even timeouts – symbolic abandonment -- give children the message that they’re alone with their big scary feelings just when they need us most. Instead, I'm a big fan of Time-Ins, during which we create safety and connect warmly, to help the child process the feelings that were causing him to act out.

That doesn’t mean we renege on our responsibility to guide our children by setting limits. No running into the street, no hitting the baby, no peeing on the carpet, no picking the neighbor’s tulips, no hurting the dog. But we don't need to punish to set or hold such limits.

Are you wondering how your child will learn not to do these things next time, if you don’t “discipline” him when he does them? Then you’re assuming that we need to punish children to "teach a lesson."

In fact, extensive and conclusive research shows that punishing kids creates more misbehavior.

That's not really surprising. If your boss criticizes, yells, humiliates, or docks your pay, does that make you want to follow his lead?

Being punished erodes the parent-child relationship so kids don't want to follow our lead. It makes the child angry and defensive. It floods them with adrenalin and the other fight, flight or freeze hormones, and turns off the reasoning, cooperative parts of the brain. Kids quickly forget the “bad” behavior that led to their being punished; they're too busy trying to defend themselves. If they learn anything, it’s to lie so they can avoid getting caught. Punishment disconnects us from our kids so we have less influence with them. Quite simply, punishment teaches all the wrong lessons.

If, instead, we can stay kind and connected while we set limits, we create less drama and more love. Our children are more likely to accept our limits and take responsibility. Because they see us, their parents, model emotional self-regulation, they learn to manage their own emotions, and therefore their behavior.

So what can we do to guide children without punishment?

1. Regulate your own emotions.
That’s how children learn to manage theirs. You’re the role model. Don’t act when you’re upset. Take a deep breath and wait until you’re calm before you address the situation. Resist the impulse to be punitive. It always backfires.

2. Empathize with feelings.
When your child is hijacked by adrenaline and other fight or flight hormones, he can't learn. Instead of lecturing, pre-empt the bad behavior with a "Time-In" where you stay with him. This is not a punishment, but an opportunity to reconnect so he can get emotionally regulated. If he moves into a meltdown, don't try to reason with him. Just create safety with your compassion so he can work through the emotions that are driving his bad behavior. Afterwards, he'll feel so much better, and so much closer to you, that he'll be open to your guidance.

3. Give support so she can learn.
Consider the example of potty learning. You're very involved at first. She gradually takes more of the responsibility, and eventually she’s doing it all by herself. The same principle holds for learning to say Thank You, taking turns, remembering her belongings, feeding her pet, doing homework, and most everything else you can think of. Routines provide the “scaffolding” for your child to learn basic skills, just as scaffolding provides structure for a building to take shape. You might be mad that she forgot her jacket again, but yelling won't help her remember. "Scaffolding" will.

4. Connect before you correct
Connect before you correct, and stay connected, even while you guide, to awaken your child’s desire to be his best self. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us.

Make loving eye contact:
"You are so upset right now."

Put your hand on her shoulder:
"You're scared to tell me about the cookie."

Stoop down to her level and look her in the eye:
"You are mad...Tell me what you need in words."

Pick her up:
"Nothing's going right for you today, is it?"

5. Set limits -- but set them with empathy.
Of course you need to insist on some rules. But you can also acknowledge her perspective. When kids feel understood, they're more able to accept our limits. Give a choice or a redirection about what the child can do to meet her needs, if you can.

"You wanted your sister to move, so you pushed her. No pushing; pushing hurts. Tell her: 'Move please!'"

"No biting! You’re very very mad and hurt! Tell your brother -- in words."

"You wish you could play longer... it's hard to stop playing and get ready for bed. Let's go..."

"No throwing the ball in the house. You can take the ball outside, or you can throw stuffed animals inside."

6. Teach kids to repair.
Begin with the early lesson that we all clean up our own messes, by matter-of-factly grabbing paper towels and helping your child clean up his spilled milk, with no blame and no shame. As he gets a bit older, suggest that once he calms down, he can find a way to make up with his sister after a fight: would she like a hug? a drawing? to play a game? Resist shaming, and model repair and apologizing. You'll find him following in your footsteps.

7. Remember that all “misbehavior” is an expression, however misguided, of a legitimate need.
He has a reason, even if you don't think it's a good one. His behavior is terrible? He must feel terrible inside. Does he need more sleep, more connection with you, more downtime, more chance to cry and release those upsetting emotions we all store up? Address the underlying need and you eliminate the misbehavior.

8. Say YES.
Kids will do almost anything we request if we make the request with a loving heart. Find a way to say YES instead of NO even while you set your limit.

"YES, it's time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up and YES you can growl about it and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story and YES we can make this fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!"

Your child will respond with the generosity of spirit that matches yours.

9. Re-connect, every day.
Remember that every interaction is an opportunity for either connection -- or disconnection. And once a day, turn off the phone, close the computer, and tell your child

"Ok, I'm all yours for the next 20 minutes. What should we do?"

Follow her lead. The world is full of humiliation for kids, so for this 20 minutes just be an incompetent bumbler and let her win. Giggling releases pent-up fears and anxiety, so make sure to play, giggle, be silly. Have a pillow fight. Wrestle. Snuggle. Let her tell you what's on her mind, let her rant or cry. Just accept all those feelings. Be 100% present. Feeling DELIGHT in your child may be the most important factor in his development. And his cooperation.

10. Remember that compassion is the secret.
Compassion for your child, of course, but start with yourself. You can’t be a loving parent if you’re feeling bad about yourself, any more than your child can act “right” if she feels bad about herself. You can always repair the relationship. Start today.

When all else fails, give yourself a big hug. Then give your child a big hug.

Connection trumps everything else in parenting.

Don't believe it? Try it this week and see what kind of miracle you can make.

For any parents who are considering stopping yelling at their children as a part of their commitment to better parenting.

You CAN Stop Yelling. Here's your 10 step plan.

"Dr Laura....I'm trying to stop yelling for the new year, but I can't. And I can't imagine getting my kids to listen if I don't yell at them.... Can you move in with me for a week?!” Cheralynn.

Like Cheralynn, most parents think they "should" stop yelling or shouting, but they don't believe there's another way to get their child's attention. After all, it's our job to teach them, and how else can we get them to listen? It’s not like yelling hurts them; they barely listen, they roll their eyes. Of course they know we love them, even if we yell. Right?

Wrong. The truth is that yelling scares kids. It makes them harden their hearts to us. And when we yell, kids go into fight, flight or freeze, so they stop learning whatever we're trying to teach. What's more, when we yell, it trains kids not to listen to us until we raise our voice. And it trains them to yell back.

If your child doesn't seem afraid of your anger, it’s an indication that he's seen too much of it and has developed defenses against it -- and against you. The unfortunate result is a child who is less likely to want to behave.

Whether or not they show it, our anger pushes kids of all ages away from us. Yelling at them practically guarantees that they’ll have an “attitude” by the time they’re ten, and that yelling fights will be the norm during their teen years. And as kids harden their hearts to us, they look for more from their peer group. We lose our influence with them just when we need it most.

When we yell, it trains kids not to listen to us until we raise our voice. And it trains them to yell at us.

But believe it or not, there are homes where parents don't raise their voices in anger at their children. I don’t mean a cold household, where no emotion is expressed -- we all know that’s not good for anyone. And I don't mean these parents have perfect children, or are perfect parents. There's no such thing. These are homes where the parents DO get their buttons pushed and get mad, but are aware enough of their own emotions to stop and manage themselves so they don’t take it out on their kids.

Do you think, like Cheralynn, that you'd need your own private emotion coach in order to stop yelling? Luckily, you already have one – yourself! In fact, the only way to become the patient, calm parent you want to be is to "parent" yourself compassionately. That means learning to coach ourselves lovingly through our own emotions, so we don't take them out on our children. Here's how.

1. Realize that your #1 job as a parent is providing physical and emotional safety, and that includes managing your own emotions

..because your calm is what helps your child feel safe enough that he doesn't get defensive. It's also how your child learns emotional regulation -- from your modeling. If you're too stressed to slow down and be respectful, then it's your job to get a handle on that with some self-care. Your children deserve it. And so do you.

2. Commit to your family that you'll use a respectful voice.

I know, it's scary to declare to your child that you're going to stop yelling. But who else will keep you accountable? Tell your family that you're learning, so you'll make mistakes...but that you'll get better and better at it.

3. Remember that kids will act like kids.

That’s their job! They're immature humans, learning how things work and what to expect. They need to push on limits to see what's solid. They need to experiment with power so they can learn to use it responsibly. Their prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed, so their emotions often take over, which means they can't think straight when they're upset. And, like other humans, they don't like feeling controlled. So while more empathy and respect from you will make them more cooperative, you can expect some childish behavior as long as you live with children, even if you stop yelling. You should be able to self-regulate even when they don't. You're the grown-up.

4. Stop gathering "kindling"

..those resentments you start to pile up when you're having a bad day. Once you have enough kindling, a firestorm is inevitable. Instead, stop, take responsibility for your own mood, give yourself what you need to feel better, and shift yourself to a better place, so you can be the emotionally generous parent your child deserves.

5. Offer empathy when your child expresses emotion -- any emotion

..so she'll start to acknowledge and accept her own feelings, which is the first step in learning to manage them. Once children can manage their emotions, they can manage their behavior. Feeling understood also keeps kids from going off the deep end with their upsets so often.

6. Stay connected and see things from your child's perspective, even while you're setting limits.

When kids believe that we're on their side and understand, even when we need to say no, they WANT to "behave," so they're more cooperative. Shouldn't you "correct"? Not until you connect, first. Until your child feels understood and reconnected, she can't hear your guidance. There's always time to talk later, once you and your child have both calmed down and you're starting from the warmth between you, instead of from your anger.

7. When you get angry, STOP.

Shut your mouth. Don't take any action or make any decisions. BREATHE deeply. If you're already yelling, stop in mid-sentence. Turn away and shake out your hands. Resist that urgent need to "set your child straight." The urgency means you're still in "fight or flight." Don't take action until you're more calm.

8. Take a parent time-out.

Turn away from your child physically. Take a deep breath. If you can't leave the room, run some water and splash it on your face to shift your attention from your child to your inner state. Under your anger is fear, and sadness, and disappointment. Let all that well up, and just breathe. Let the tears come if you need to. Be kind to yourself. Once you let yourself feel what's under the anger--without taking action--the anger will begin to melt away.

9. Find your own wisdom.

From this calmer place, imagine there's an angel on your shoulder who sees things objectively and wants what's best for everyone in the situation. This is your own personal parenting coach. What does she say? Can she give you a mantra to see things differently, like:

"I don't have to "win" here... I can let her save face."
"He's acting like a child because he IS a child."
"This behavior signals how upset she is inside; how much she needs my help."
"I don't have to be right. I can just choose love here."
10. Let go of trying to teach a lesson at this moment, and instead take positive action from this calmer place.

If you try to teach right now, you'll find yourself shaming. It's not a teachable moment until everyone is calm and reconnected.

Your positive action at this moment might be a do-over to get everyone back on track. It might mean you apologize. It might mean you get your cranky child laughing, and if that doesn't work, support her through a good cry so that you can all have a better day. It might mean you blow off the dishes and just snuggle under the covers with your kids and a pile of books until everyone feels better. Just take one step toward helping everyone feel, and do, better -- including you.

The bad news? This is hard. It takes tremendous self-control, and you'll find yourself messing up over and over again. Don't give up.

The good news? It works. It gets easier and easier to stop yourself in mid-yell, and then to stop even before you open your mouth. Just keep moving in the right direction. You're re-wiring your brain. At some point, you'll realize that it’s been months since you yelled at anyone.

The better news? Your child will transform, right in front of your eyes. You'll see him working hard to control himself when he gets angry, instead of lashing out. You'll see him cooperating more. And you'll see him "listen" -- when you haven't even raised your voice.
Dr. Laura Markham