Gracephoenix

TO RUSSIA, WITH LOVE

I feel your pain and your anguish.
You saw history repeating itself.
So you tried your best to be your best.
Until hope wanes and faith is lost.
And you saw no way out but to unleash a storm.
A torrential rain that continues to pour.
Well, not all hope is lost for faith is here.
We can walk out of history and we need you here.
You are not just a single drop in the ocean.
But an entire ocean in a single drop.
Violence, suffering, shame and blame only has one outcome.
An outcome we all need to put a stop to.
An outcome we all can put a stop to.
In ourselves.
In our families.
In our friends.
In strangers.
In each and every life form.
Because you see, God created us in His image.
And children are the faces of God.
May mercy be shown upon our brothers and sisters.
And may mercy be reflected back to you.
Let us rebuild this world in peace and harmony.
And for once and forever, history will be rewritten with love.

Grace Phoenix

Note: This piece has been written late November last year. But something held me back from posting it. This morning as I was reading my social psychology textbook on prejudice, I felt compelled to reread what I have written and knew there isn't a better time to post than now. I urge you to read this with an open mind and heart. Should you feel conflicted by my post, let it come and sit with you. And trust that life will guide you to fully and truly comprehend what is written here in time to come. Only then can you let it go.

BUILD A BRIDGE

If we should decide to change our ways and use gentle conscious parenting to guide our children, then we ought to stay determined to change ourselves inside out. It won't be easy for it requires us to look into our every single thought which are prejudice and judgements beautifully wrapped up as moral values that we have learned throughout our life. This then transpire into our actions and spoken words.

When we have been brought up to hold some beliefs and values that were drilled into us as a child with the use of power, punishment and reward (aka almost everyone of us), that becomes our biggest obstacle to attaining our highest self. For we were not given the opportunity to gain true comprehension of morality on our own. We were not offered opportunities to make moral mistakes without judgement. We did not get to process those natural feelings of guilt as children and overcome those emotions on our own and then given lots of space and time to consciously change ourselves to be better from a young age. Almost all of us were made to feel guilty and were subjected to shame and lectures and punishment by someone holding power when we make a mistake. What we experience growing up as a child will continue to be what we implement on our child without adequate awareness and consciousness for a change.

A child growing up coerced, punished and/or rewarded to conform to morality without opportunities to experience the natural consequences and emotions that their actions may bring may, at some later point in their lives, awaken to higher states of consciousness with rage which lead them into extreme opposition of morality. This rage came from their realisation that we are not perfect and can make the very same mistake we judged them for. We go into a never ending vicious cycle if we go on to implement harsher punishment when what they really need is compassion and empathy for the misery they are externalising of a life lived without personal choice, freedom and a compassionate room for mistakes. And the worst feeling anyone can ever experience is when elder parents judge their adult child based on what they perceive as a moral wrongdoing and implement punishment to teach that child a lesson. The opposite can also be true when the child grows up to be an adult and implement the same moral judgement on their aging parent and implement behavioural strategies to teach the parent a lesson.

The whole point is punishment and reward only leads us to violence on others and/or self destruction which is what you are already witnessing on a global scale. Our only hope for humanity is for each of us to change ourselves inside out. Pulling our guts out if we have to and commit to work on ourselves and help each other be better parents with kindness and love. At the same time, we need to purge out our own prejudice and judgements about people so we do not project these same prejudice and judgements on our own children.

Hold space for children to make mistakes without the need to point it out (unless absolutely necessary).
Have faith that children will rise in awareness of where they need to grow.
Hold room for all of us to grow in love.
And then sit back and watch the miracle of your child's and your own growth unfold before you.

This is for my tutorial class of social psychology course. Thank you for the inspiration you have offered me to finally post this. Thank you for being the most interactive and engaging bunch of coursemates. Thank you for allowing me to speak my mind without judgements. Thank you for being you.

JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN

I know some of us have just embarked on that journey into ourselves while some of us are heading into a deeper part of our being. Whichever point of life journey you are on, I hope you know that I see you and I cannot be more honoured to be walking alongside you as we brave ourselves to break generational cycle against all odds. We got each other's back!

If you haven't already realised, any attempt at changing and transforming ourselves inside out requires us to face our fears. Fear of letting go of what was safe for us. Fear of making changes to the life we have known all our lives to be secure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what others will think. And really fear of facing our insecurities and inadequacies. As a metaphor, for starters, it felt a lot like I tried desperately to grab a safe anchor with all my might refusing to let go. And then one finger at a time, I slowly release my tight grip. For so many times I wanted to chicken out and sail back to my safe anchor because that was all I have. But yet I attained an understanding of life that going back only meant I shall be repeating the same old cycle. And so I made my choice to throw myself into the unknown with fear but also with courage. One thing I realised of life is how everything is in equal balance of two opposing nature. The amount of courage we need to muster is the amount of fear we need to face.

It can feel this way as we let go of superiority and control over our children. And children who grew accustomed to having someone hold control over them can feel insecure when that control is released. Because they were not given opportunities to learn to control themselves, it can lead them to a lack of self-control or they may try to control others to feel safe. They may even feel angry of being denied the opportunity to be themselves, to make their own choices that they begin to rebel against us. How they feel only goes to show relationships should never be about control but about connections and authenticity. Their process, however challenging, is crucial for them to heal and also for them to be sure that we are no longer the parent we once were. What helped me to be insistent of my change is knowing that only when I eliminate control and sense of superiority in all aspects of my life can my children relearn what equality truly feels like. And that will help them to discern who they should steer away from and who truly has the heart for their well-being. That will also support their growth into adults who will not seek to lead others through a false sense of control and power but to really lead from their hearts.

Learning is not simply acquiring new information or being knowledgeable about something. I believe true learning is when we act upon what we have learned and apply what we have learned in our daily lives. It is how we make the conscious effort to change our inner thoughts. It is how we reflect that change in the words we speak and the way we interact and respond to others. It is shown in everything that we do and everything that we say. It is also shown in the way we acknowledge we are not saints but really just a regular human trying our best to be the best we can be every single day of our life.

In the same way, true equality is bringing ourselves down to meet our children at their level, whether it is to play with them or whether it is to hold them and be with them as they experience an overwhelming moment. It is also in how we hold equality and respect for every being and life form regardless of race, religion, gender, age, sexual orientation, social status and ability.

This is for Agnes. One of the best thing that has ever happened to me is having friends who have known me forever. Who witnessed my change and transformation throughout my life and even as they couldn’t comprehend then, they nonetheless stood by my side and offered me quotes to encourage me at the most amazing moments. Until life guided them at a later point in their lives to undergo the very same change and transformation that I went through and I share quotes to encourage them back. “Friends are like stars. We don’t always see them but we know they are always there.” Thank you for being you!

PATHWAY TO INNER PEACE

If you live in Singapore and our paths crossed, you should know that the person you met has gone through numerous transformations that transient between chaos and peace. I was not always calm in the past. But I take each mistake that I make, each person that I meet, each experience that I go through as opportunities to overcome my emotions, my thoughts and really face myself and my inadequacies. It was not easy at all! Just when I thought I could breathe a little and rejoice at how far I have come, I was being thrown into another situation that is almost like a rude shock of awakening reminding me of another area of past trauma that I have yet to heal. And then doing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. If only to humble me.

But deep inside my heart, I know I have to fight with all I have got to overcome these challenges. To face myself. To face my past. To heal. Because only then can I present myself as the parent I need to be for my children. Because only then can I pass on healing to them. Because only then can I set them free to be who they are destined to be and NOT what I want them to be or what the society wants them to be. And because only then can I step out of repeated generational cycle to offer my children a chance at attaining genuine happiness.

I recall one of my child's favourite teacher had parents record a video of the legacy they wish to leave behind. And the children in the class get to watch what their parents had to say to them. Mine was "I hope to use my life to love my children such that when I die, my love will give them life."

I know I will always be an imperfect human. I may continue to make mistakes. I still have a lot to learn. But my children will witness me trying my best every single day of my life. My children will watch me overcome ME to love myself and to love them better. Most importantly, I will be real so we can have a real relationship.

What legacy will you like to leave behind?

This is for Liying, a lady with a beautiful mind and heart. I am so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for guiding me in how I can love you better. I have no words for the countless times you have made me speechless with the empathy you have offered me. You are a miracle of life and a living proof that a person's understanding of the true meaning of life goes beyond the intellectual ability you were socially conditioned as a child. I sincerely wish you will always be surrounded with the same love and kindness you offered me. And that you are always valued for the person you are. May you grow in courage to speak up for yourself.

UNITY

My heart goes out to both boys and both families of River Valley High School as all of you go through a long gruelling process to find peace. There may be moments you will feel overwhelmed with anguish, guilt, disappointment, confusion, despair, and most of all, loneliness. I stand with each and all of you.

BEYOND THE SURFACE

If you have been wondering why I discourage the use of negative reinforcers and negative punishers, you are not alone. After all, there are extensive researches that support the use of them as effective strategies to manage behaviours. And I do not deny the extent some children can "push our buttons" so much that we feel we are left with no other options.

But the children I met in my life taught me to look beyond the behaviours they present on the surface and understand that there is a deeper need or issue that they do not yet have the abilities to comprehend or express themselves appropriately. Which means the only option children have at that point is to express themselves "inappropriately" through their actions or go against their morality to cheat or lie to avoid a potential negative situation which they had prior experience with. Their manner of expression came very naturally to them. However, we were conditioned by society to perceive those behaviours as inappropriate or wrong. We may even hold a less than ideal understanding of the nature of humans and begin to think otherwise of the child's nature. To implement negative reinforcers and punishers based on our socially-conditioned perspective of a situation or the behaviour that a child presents, we may unknowingly lead the child into a never-ending negative communication cycle. Should our perspective change at a later point in our lives as we gain more experience, we may realise with much horror of the amount of hurt we have inflicted on that child based on what we used to think.

When a child lies because they are unable to meet the expectation of a parent, it seems morally right for the parent to implement negative reinforcers to reduce that "immoral" behaviour. However, if we look beyond the surface behaviour of lying, we will understand the reason why children lie and what we really need to do is to open ourselves up to communicate and work together with our child using positive strategies to motivate and encourage.

In my own personal experience, I recall when Hannah was a young child and how she would, on some particular days, repeatedly "push my buttons". I sought to manage them with patience but I will be honest that the repeated "pushing of buttons" would test my very patience. That same night, Hannah developed a high fever. It was experiences like these that I am grateful for. That although my patience was tested, I did not lose it. For I imagined myself to feel very guilty if I had wrongfully "punished" her when she was really just feeling unwell.

The comical thing about changing our perspective or stripping ourselves from social conditioning is this. Prior to transforming ourselves, we should refrain from using negative reinforcers and punishers as we can never be certain if our perspective of a situation or a child's behaviour is accurate. After we made that challenging switch to change the way we think, we no longer find it necessary to use negative reinforcers and punishers to manage children's behaviours.

There is a fountain of love within each of us. Our ability to prompt that fountain of love to flow abundantly lies in our mastery to unlock our own mind and heart.

I believe the highest order of loving someone is to understand them. And I sincerely thank my life experiences and most of all my mum for it was in loving her that I discovered the tremendous amount of pain and torment she was going through. I am very very thankful for how life guided me to understand her and to just hold and love her back to her mental health.

This is for two of my mum's best friends, Helen and Yoke Heng, who have also become my other two mothers. For their earnest friendship as they support and love her while I took a long emotional break from life. 谢谢胖妈。谢谢瘦妈。

VALUES

Have you ever asked a child to share their sweets, their toys, their whatever you think they need to share when they did not initiate to? Well, I did that too.

While my intention then was good, there came a point when I questioned myself why do we end up telling each other it is ok to love ourselves and yet teach children the need to share? Is there a hidden assumption deeply rooted in our culture? Are there situations we found it challenging to practice the very same value we wish to impart? I know I did. And I certainly know my mum did as well.

What I did discover in my work with children is that some children are less willing to share than others. However, that same child will, in another social situation, be the most loving person to a friend in need. When I praise one child for sharing, I inevitably make the other child feel bad for not sharing. And if I praise the other child for being loving, I, again, make others feel bad. Children develop more resistance to change when they feel inadequate. Children really learn better and more naturally when I accept everyone for who they are. And I promote acceptance when I do not make any emphasis on values. I promote acceptance when I accept ALL behaviours. Children are real experts at observing us.

However, I can promote values in how I respond to children not with intention but really from my heart just by being who I am. Children are also experts at telling what is real.

When a child shares their sweets with me, I thank them for their generosity. And when a child who previously found it hard to share offers a sweet to me, I will also thank them for their generosity except with a knowing smile. These children will often move away smiling to themselves too.

When a child shows kindness to me when I feel less of myself, I thank them for their much-needed kindness which made me feel better.

When I made a mistake, children will witness me struggling with my sense of guilt. And when they forgive me for the mistake I made, I appreciate their big-heartedness for breaking their little hearts.

Switching perspectives...

I show empathy when they expressed a fear of going to the toilet on their own and I keep them company as I would with my friends.

I show forgiveness when I forgive myself for the mistakes I made, for the mistakes they made, for the mistakes others made.

And I practice compassion when I made the choice to love myself, love them and love others especially when we are most unlovable.

I learn that by letting go of expectations and outcomes and just allowing natural events to unfold itself and I make my responses as the person I am, I actually promote greater growth and independence in learning.

This is for Cynthia. I am being placed in the same situation you went through when I could not find any words to express the amount of emotions I feel for a friendship that broke free of limitations. I am forever grateful to have a twin who stood by my side through it all. For your undying faith and trust. For loving me without conditions. For just holding me when I was breaking apart. I thank you with all my heart.

INNER CONTROL

Our belief system forms our rationale.
Our rationale forms our thoughts.
Our thoughts form our actions and the words we speak.

There are often two perspectives we can hold of a child or a situation. For instance, we can view our little humans as an imperfect person and our role as parents is to help them to be better. Holding this perspective, the power of control lies outside the child's ability. When a child makes mistakes, a parent or caregiver steps in to tell that child where he or she is wrong. This person of higher authority or influence direct the child's belief system, rationale, thoughts, actions and the words he or she speaks. The child can be afraid of making mistakes and does not get much opportunity to practice self-control. The person of higher authority or influence is often redirecting the child and this form of redirection can go well into the child's adult life. Without adequate awareness and consciousness for a change, this cycle can go on for generations.

We can also view our little humans as a perfect person fully capable even as a child to overcome their imperfections in their own way and in their own time. Holding this perspective, the power of control lies within the child. When the child makes mistakes, the parent or caregiver is around only to offer emotional support. The child has many opportunities to learn from his or her mistakes and practice self-control in a safe and non-judgmental environment that the parent or caregiver offers. That child forms his or her own belief system, rationale, thoughts and controls his or her own actions and words. The child will continue to make mistakes but he or she will also continue to learn from them. That child is self-directed and ready to embark on his or her life journey when he or she grows up.

Self-control is a widely researched concept in the field of early childhood. A self-directed child who had many experiences to build inner control will then direct themselves to reach their fullest human potential. In my work with children, I learn that all children are conscious beings even at a really young age and they are well aware of what is right or wrong without being taught or told. Their consciousness and natural ability to guide themselves can be sharpened or diminished depending on our belief system and responses to our little humans.

I am ever thankful to my life experiences and work with children in raising my awareness and consciousness to change my belief system and continue to be self-directed in overcoming my imperfections. I have every belief that you, as a parent or caregiver, can too!

This is for my mother. Growing up in a harsh environment deprived of her childhood, my mum struggled with her mental health and along with it, abilities to control herself. However, she has also come a really long way in overcoming herself and her imperfections. Her greatest wish is acceptance and it will be on her three children to overcome their fear and come together to offer her the unconditional support and love she seeks. Perhaps, that will help her heal herself to become one whole human again. 生日快乐。

NURTURE THE NATURE

By the time my last born James came into my life, I had shifted from active parenting to passive parenting. I stopped nurturing children from my perspective but rather, I was just curious to get to know them and their innate nature as natural events unfold.

A couple of months back, James began to feel frustration on a deeper level and he would externalise this frustration by kicking and hitting me. I recall Hannah exhibited similar behaviour when she was younger. However, because my parenting then was driven by fear, when Hannah kicked and hit me out of her frustrations, a siren would go off in my head telling me I need to do something or others would think I failed to "teach" her. So, I managed her behaviour by handing out time-outs and removing her privileges. I think I even threatened her that no one will be her friend if she continues to kick and hit. It was undoubtedly a very effective and efficient way to stop her (mis)behaviour.

Life works in mysterious ways. I am being presented with a similar situation once again. This time round, I made my choice to nurture with faith. When James kicked and hit me out of his frustrations, I approached him and asked if I could give him a hug so he will feel better. I communicated to him over and over again of my desire to support him and his emotions. I offered him empathy of the rage he felt since I had been in his situation before. I roped in the entire family where we would hold conversations of feeling rage and what we do to cope with that rage. I used every opportunity of his frustrating moment to communicate my acceptance of him and his emotions and that he is allowed to explore that emotion in a safe space that I will continually offer him.

The whole notion is to nurture the child's nature by loving and encouraging them while having every trust that they will, in time to come, respond to our love for them. This will and motivation to change must come from the child through their lived experiences of our loving response to their innate nature which they will then use to construct their own understanding of life. This will and motivation to change should ideally be conditioned using positive ways to communicate such that as the child grows up, they continue to draw and depend on positivity to succeed in life. When the child looks back upon their lived experiences, they see a whole village of people loving and encouraging them to move forward with faith. And with all our love, they will be the best version of themselves not because they have to but because they want to.

This is for James. Thank you for granting me the permission to post your story. You may be little but yet you show an increasing level of consciousness and awareness I am certain I did not possess when I was little. Thank you for feeling safe enough to bare your truest self to us so we can show you how much we love you and how we will help you overcome yourself. Thank you for being in my life and guiding me along in how I can love children better.

Gracephoenix | Infants. Toddlers. Children. The Past. The Present. Our Future "Entering into the world of infants and children is a gift that has been bestowed upon me and sharpened through my journey of life. A gift that I want very much to share with you." Grace Phoenix

REWIRING
I was teaching a class of students with special needs and I was struggling. Like a tape recorder, I would repeatedly give out commands such as "hands to yourself", "keep quiet" and the classic "DON'T RUN". It took me a while to acknowledge that none of that works. I was really reinforcing their (mis)behaviours.

Determined, I returned to school the next day to change the way I will communicate with my students. It felt fake at first. Each time I am tempted to go back to my old ways, I had to pause to metacognitively rewire myself to new ways of communicating. I began to highlight the good in students. It worked like magic! Suddenly, everyone became motivated to be good. Overtime, this change became a part of me. A new and better me.

It wasn't until Hannah that I had to dig deep to question myself on alot of my values and beliefs. When the unconscious behaviours of mine surfaced to my consciousness. When change can no longer be skin-deep but it has to come from the depths of my soul. One such belief is my attitude towards negative emotions. The rage I felt towards Hannah's tantrums stemmed from my flawed judgement placed on persons who display negative emotions. And that flawed judgement came from not truly understanding them and their situations. It came from my lack of empathy. This lack of empathy, as I will discover some years later, was traced back to not accepting myself and what I had been through.

My change began with a heartfelt repentance to Hannah. And then again, a constant and repeated choice not to go back to my old ways ever again. It wasn't easy at all for Hannah will be testing me again and again just to be sure and she has every right to. However, my determination was stronger. I was determined to love my children right. I was determined my children will walk out from the ghost of my past. I was determined they will recognise positive ways to communicate with others on their thoughts and feelings as the way to experience fruitful relationships with others in the future.

Unexpectedly, my change brought about a change in Hannah. She began to free herself from the conditions I had placed on her. She began to emerge from her shell. She began to be herself.

This is for my aunt, Florence. Like a lighthouse, my aunt consistently and repeatedly showered my sister and I with unconditional love and protection through our lives, especially when darkness befall us. Thank you! I will pay your kindness forward.

Each post came from the deepest of my experiences and reflections both as an educator and a mum. They are crafted with much careful thoughts on how I can best relate my own experiences to support parents in their own process. If you think my post will be useful to other parents and caregivers, please share them. If you meet a stranger on the streets with their little human and you think my posts can help them be better parents, be free to share this with them too. Thank you!

NATURE VS NURTURE
The age old debate of nature vs nurture is over. Researchers now recognise the importance of both nature and nurture in influencing the development of a human.

And like many well-meaning mum, when Hannah was born, I embarked on my "noble" mission to nurture her. Receiving a baby for the first time, I find myself swarmed with many well-meaning advices on how to care for her (nevermind the fact that I actually work with children). From telling me not to carry Hannah too much for that will spoil her to sharing a tip that will help Hannah sleep through the night and that will be to ignore her when she cries for milk in the middle of the night to the ways to sleep train an infant. It was not always easy to ignore for everyone will tell you it came from their experiences but I had to do what is best for Hannah. So, I poured myself into endless reading and experimenting. I know I have the advantage of my work with children and my life experiences which helped me to discern what I read and figure out what loving Hannah means.

At the same time, I had to manage something that I did not foresee. I thought I had put my past behind me but it wasn't until the birth of Hannah that I began to have flashbacks of my experiences as a child. Memories so distant but the emotions were very raw. Memories I yearn to forget. I was very determined not to go into a vicious cycle of what I went through as a child. However, despite my best intentions to nurture Hannah, she was four or five when I realised by not wanting history to repeat itself, I ended up where I didn't want to be.

Hannah was throwing one of her tantrums again. For what I perceived then to be a completely senseless reason. I was completely worn out and felt this surge of emotions rising in me. A rage that I had never felt before. And I actually imagined myself causing hurt to her because I wanted so badly for her to stop. I count my blessings though. Having gone through trauma as a child, I could not deliver the same pain to my own child. In a way, my pain stopped me from hurting her. However, that was the day I began to question my own rage. What if I lose control of myself one day?

That ignited my journey to heal myself from what I thought I had already let go - my childhood. I realised all along I had only been pushing that past away. I had not really face what I had gone through and the knots are still hidden deep within me. Hannah's presence in my life merely made me realise that. I have to nurse my own pain. I had to stop nurturing Hannah from a perspective I was no longer sure is good for her. I had to change.

This is for Ethan, my co-parenting partner. Thank you for sharing this extremely challenging parenting journey with me. From not understanding things I went through and my intentions to accepting, reflecting and finally, changing yourself, thank you. I could not ask for a better co-parenting partner.