Abundance Wellness

Forgiveness in trauma recovery is widely misunderstood
— and that misunderstanding can do real harm.
Many specialists advocate forgiveness as a path to releasing rage, resentment, and the desire for revenge.
But here's what they don't always say clearly:
Forgiveness is NOT: ❌ Excusing or condoning what was done to you
❌ Forgetting the offence
❌ Reconciling with your abuser
❌ Dependent on an apology or the perpetrator's remorse
❌ A quick fix that lets someone "off the hook"
Forgiveness IS: ✅ A willful internal shift — done for YOU, not for them
✅ Something that develops gradually, over time
✅ Available on multiple levels — emotional, cognitive, or spiritual
✅ A coping strategy that may support your psychological healing Research by Enright & Fitzgibbons reminds us that forgiveness exists on a spectrum — from slight to complete, surface to deep.
there is no timeline. There is no single right way. And if you've ever accepted a quick apology and then felt guilty for still being angry?
That's not weakness. That's what happens when forgiveness is rushed before it's real. Your healing is yours. Forgive on your terms — if and when it serves you. 💬 What has your experience with forgiveness in recovery looked like? I'd love to hear your thoughts below. Visit https://wix.to/nNOPjdB

Be honest with me for a second. 🌸

When you make a mistake — what is the first thing you say to yourself?

For a lot of us, especially those carrying the weight of past trauma, the inner voice isn't kind. It's harsh. Relentless. And it sounds a lot like the most critical person we've ever known.

Today I want to offer you three simple tools to begin turning that voice around. Not overnight — but one small moment at a time.

🔍 Step 1 — notice your self-criticism

Start by asking yourself honestly:

→ What do you most criticise yourself about — your appearance, your career, your relationships, your parenting?

→ What kind of language do you use with yourself when you notice a flaw or make a mistake — insulting or understanding?

→ When things go wrong, do you tend to isolate — believing everyone else is having an easier time than you?

→ Do you stop to give yourself care, or do you push straight past the pain to fix the problem?

Just noticing these patterns — without judgment — is the beginning of change.

🤍 Step 2 — a phrase for your hardest moments

When emotional pain hits, try this. Take a slow breath. Place your hand over your heart. And quietly repeat:

"This is a moment of suffering."

"Suffering is a part of life."

"May I be kind to myself."

"May I give myself the compassion I need."

These four phrases hold all three pillars of self-compassion — mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness — in one small, powerful moment.

📓 Step 3 — a one-week self-compassion journal

At the end of each day this week, take 5 minutes and write down:

✦ Anything you felt bad about today

✦ Anything you judged yourself for

✦ Any moment that caused you pain

Then, for each one — respond to yourself with mindfulness (acknowledge it without drowning in it), common humanity (remind yourself you are not alone in struggling), and kindness (write what a compassionate friend would say to you).

Seven days. That's all. You might be surprised what shifts.

You don't have to earn the right to be gentle with yourself. You already deserve it — exactly as you are, in the middle of whatever you're carrying right now. 🌸

Save this post to come back to this week. And if this resonated, share it — someone in your life might need to read it today.

Something I want to share today — because I think it matters more than we realise. 💛

If you've experienced trauma, one of the quietest but most damaging side effects is the way you start to talk to yourself.

"I'm a failure." "I'm worthless." "I should have known better."

It feels like honesty. But it's not. It's your nervous system under stress — and it's actually making things worse.

Here's the science behind why 👇

What self-criticism does to your body

When you criticise yourself, your brain's threat centre — the amygdala — fires up a stress response. Blood pressure rises. Adrenaline and cortisol flood your system. Your body literally cannot tell the difference between an external threat and a harsh thought about yourself.

What self-compassion does instead

Kindness toward yourself activates a completely different part of your brain — one that generates warmth, safety, and positive emotions. It doesn't make you soft. It makes you safer. And from safety, real healing becomes possible.

Researcher Kristin Neff, one of the world's leading experts on self-compassion, breaks it down into three simple components:

🤍
Self-kindness

Treating yourself with the same warmth you'd offer a struggling friend — not harsh judgment.

🌍
Common humanity

Recognising that suffering, failure, and pain are part of being human — you are not alone in this.

🧘
Mindfulness

Holding painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness — without suppressing them or being swept away.

People who practise self-compassion experience more happiness, optimism, and emotional resilience — not despite their pain, but through learning to hold it differently.

If you're curious about where you sit on the self-compassion scale, Kristin Neff's website has a free self-test worth exploring: self-compassion.org

You deserve the same kindness you give to others. Start there. 💛. Ready to learn more or book a first session? Visit https://wix.to/J7CwpIU

Have you ever caught yourself thinking: "I'm bad at this." "I don't belong here." "I have no value."

For many people — especially those who experienced criticism, shame, or abuse early in life — these thoughts aren't just passing moods. They become deeply held beliefs, woven into how we see ourselves.

The good news? Beliefs can be examined. And when we examine them honestly, they often don't hold up.

Here is a 6-step process I use with clients to begin dismantling negative self-beliefs:

Step 1
Name the event. What happened that triggered this belief? Be specific — a moment, a situation, a relationship.

Step 2
Identify the disempowering belief. What does this event make you believe about yourself? "I am worthless." "I have no power." "I don't belong."

Step 3
Examine the "proof." What evidence do you believe supports this? Often, the roots trace back to old voices — parents, peers, abusers — not current reality.

Step 4
Build your defence. What evidence contradicts the belief? What would a trusted person who knows you say? What does the record actually show?

Step 5
Identify new actions. Now that you see the belief isn't entirely true — what can you do differently? Assertively, confidently, with agency.

Step 6
Write an alternative belief. Not a toxic-positivity affirmation — a realistic, kinder, more accurate way of understanding what happened and who you are.

This last step matters most. Because the goal isn't just to disprove the negative — it's to build something new in its place.

Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook. It is choosing to see yourself as clearly and fairly as you would see a friend.

And self-forgiveness? That's not the end of the work — it's often where the real healing begins.

When something painful happens to us, the mind searches for an explanation — and often, it lands on blame.

Blame yourself. Blame others. Blame God. Blame fate.

This is one of the most common — and most overlooked — symptoms following trauma. Known as a cognitive distortion, it's the mind's attempt to make sense of something senseless. But when that distorted belief takes root, it can quietly shape everything:

→ What you think about yourself

→ The emotions you carry

→ The tension you hold in your body

→ The decisions you make — sometimes without even realising it

One powerful exercise to begin unpacking this:

Ask yourself:

When [the trauma] happened, I blamed…

What beliefs did that create?

What emotions followed?

What did it feel like in your body?

What choices did it lead you to make?

Healing doesn't start with having all the answers. It starts with asking the right questions — gently, and without judgement.

If you or someone you love is working through the aftermath of trauma, this kind of structured self-reflection — ideally alongside a trained professional — can be a meaningful first step or visit https://wix.to/9tZuq7N to learn more.

When something painful happens to us, the mind searches for an explanation — and often, it lands on blame.

Blame yourself. Blame others. Blame God. Blame fate.

This is one of the most common — and most overlooked — symptoms following trauma. Known as a cognitive distortion, it's the mind's attempt to make sense of something senseless. But when that distorted belief takes root, it can quietly shape everything:

→ What you think about yourself

→ The emotions you carry

→ The tension you hold in your body

→ The decisions you make — sometimes without even realising it

One powerful exercise to begin unpacking this:

Ask yourself:

When [the trauma] happened, I blamed…

What beliefs did that create?

What emotions followed?

What did it feel like in your body?

What choices did it lead you to make?

Healing doesn't start with having all the answers. It starts with asking the right questions — gently, and without judgement.

If you or someone you love is working through the aftermath of trauma, this kind of structured self-reflection — ideally alongside a trained professional — can be a meaningful first step

We use a polyvagal-informed approach at Abundance Wellness and offer group sessions — including ACC-supported options — so learning regulation is accessible and community-based. You don’t have to do this alone. Learn more: https://wix.to/fvXnjOi

One of trauma's most persistent aftereffects is blame.

And it cuts in two directions.

Sometimes we blame ourselves — convinced that we caused it, allowed it, or deserved it. We replay the moments before, cataloguing every decision we made, every warning we missed.

Sometimes we blame others — a person, a system, even God. We search for a target because the alternative — that terrible things can simply happen — feels unbearable.

Both responses are natural. Both are attempts to make sense of something senseless. And both, left unexamined, quietly shape every thought, feeling, and decision that comes after.

Here's what self-blame can look like in practice:

→ Persistent guilt that doesn't respond to logic or reassurance
→ The belief that you "should have known" or "should have done something"
→ A sense that you are fundamentally flawed or responsible for your own suffering
→ Physical tension, shame spirals, or emotional withdrawal triggered by memories
→ Decisions made from a place of unworthiness — tolerating less than you deserve

And here's what examining that blame actually involves — not erasing it, but looking at it clearly:

— What actually happened, and what was within my control?
— What does holding this blame do to my body, my emotions, my choices?
— What decisions am I making today because of a belief that may not be true?
— What would I say to someone I loved who carried this same blame?

Releasing blame isn't about excusing what happened. It isn't about forgetting.

It's about refusing to let a distorted belief about cause and consequence continue to run your life from the shadows.

You were not responsible for what was done to you. And you deserve to stop carrying it alone.

What has unexamined blame cost you? I'd love to hear your thoughts below.

more: https://wix.to/1J3P2ez

Trauma doesn't just hurt you in the moment. It teaches you dangerous lessons about closeness.

It tells you that connection leads to pain.
That vulnerability is weakness.
That people — even the ones who love you — will eventually let you down.

These aren't truths. They're survival responses. And at some point, the very walls that kept you safe start keeping out the things you need most.

Intimacy — the capacity to feel genuinely connected to yourself and to others — is one of the deepest casualties of unhealed trauma.

Some signs that trauma has shaped your beliefs about closeness:

→ You keep people at arm's length without fully understanding why
→ You over-give in relationships, leaving nothing for yourself
→ You dismiss kind words or affection — they don't feel safe to receive
→ You stay in painful dynamics because they feel familiar
→ You fear that being truly known will lead to abandonment or rejection
→ You feel more comfortable alone, even when you're lonely

The path forward isn't about forcing yourself to be open. It's about slowly examining the beliefs that are driving these patterns:

— Is it true that I am unlovable?
— Is it true that others will always let me down?
— Is it true that closeness always ends in harm?

The evidence rarely supports them. And when you begin to see that — really see it — something shifts.

Healing intimacy starts with rebuilding the relationship you have with yourself. From there, boundaries, trust, and real connection become possible again.

You deserve relationships that do not repeat the patterns of your pain.

What's one belief about closeness you're ready to examine? 💙🌿