19/12/2021
Parenting Styles
Research shows that there are generally four approaches to parenting.
1. Authoritarian: parent has high expectations and standards for the child; parent is not sensitive to or responsive to the needs or feelings of the child; punishments are swift and consistent; rules are many and strictly enforced; there are no explanations given to the child; child is expected to follow the parent's lead with no questions asked.
2. Authoritative: parent has high expectations and standards for the child; parent is considerate of the needs and feelings of the child; rules are many and enforced but also explained; punishments are just and proportional and natural consequences are allowed to occur; child is expected to follow the parent's lead yet the child's questions and concerns are addressed by the parent.
3. Permissive: parent has little to no expectations or standards for the child; parent is highly sensitive to and overly responsive to the feelings of the child; rules are not enforced and punishments or consequences rarely happen; the parent follows the child's lead; the child's wants are over-indulged.
4. Uninvolved: parent has little to no expectations or standards for the child; parent is not sensitive to or responsive to the child's needs or feelings; the parent is mostly indifferent and the child is left to raise himself/ herself for the most part with little guidance or support from the parent.
To put it more succinctly, authoritarian parents are harsh/ cold/ strict (demanding but unresponsive); permissive parents are lenient/ coddling/ babying (too responsive but not demanding), uninvolved parents are neglectful/ distant/ indifferent (neither demanding nor responsive). Only authoritative parents tend to raise healthy, happy children, because these parents are both demanding AND responsive. They are strict but fair; they have standards for the child but also train the child on how to get there.
There needs to be a healthy balance between two things: a parent's being demanding and being responsive.
Placing too many demands on a child while not being responsive enough or sensitive enough to the child's feelings or needs results in harshness and at times even cruelty. Placing no demands on a child yet being overly sensitive to the child's feelings and moods results in spoiling and entitlement in the child. Reaching a balance between what the parent *requires of a child* and what the parent *gives to a child* is critical.
Of course, these four styles are not rigid boxes that are set in stone. These are just general approaches that seem to cover the different shapes that parenting can take across a general population of parents.
Let's look at the fine print.
Culture has a big impact on the type of parenting style that is prevalent in any society, and it impacts even the way we *define* what each word means. In American or liberal western cultures generally, what is seen as "permissive" is very different from what would be seen as "permissive" in non-liberal cultures across the globe. One culture's conception of "authoritarian" might coincide with another culture's idea of "authoritative."
We see this type of dilemma with children of Mulsim immigrants to western non-Muslim countries. A parenting style that would be considered normal and authoritative in Tunisia starts to look rigidly authoritarian when transplanted to Canada. Unless handled with wisdom and thoughtfulness by the parents, the friction between the old culture and the new culthre can cause a huge rift between parent and child.
What makes it more interesting is that a parent can even fall into more than one category. Often, we can note the changes that the passage of time might cause in a person's parenting style.
A parent may start off their parenting journey as an authoritative parent, but over time, as age starts to take a toll on their energy and physical, mental and emotional reserves, the same parent may devolve into a permissive parent.
Another example is of a family in which there is a large age gap between the children. The older batch of children may have been raised with strict, unforgivingly authoritarian parents who later soften with age, but who overcompensate with the younger batch of children by being overly indulgent, permissive parents. The very same parents who raised responsible, highly-disciplined kids also raised irresponsible, spoiled brats with no accountability.
Another factor that can take a toll is stress and mental health. A parent may start off young and energetic and exert the appropriate level of authority over their children at first, but then become an uninvolved parent due to mental illness or work or money problems that consume the parent entirely. The older child might be forced to raise younger siblings since the parent has largely abdicated parenting responsibility in order to deal with other problems.
None of this is simple.
Raising children is the single most important job that a parent has, yet it is also singularly challenging and arduous.
It is the job of grown children who themselves become parents to reflect on their own childhood and assess the approach their parents took in raising them. You might find that you have to correct for the old parenting mistakes in your own personality, as well as in your own parenting style with your own children. If your parents raised you in a good way, then you might want to replicate their approach and hope for similarly good results.
Like any other task in life, parenting requires tawakkul on Allah first and foremost, and then constant striving and struggling to do everything we can in order to attain success by the will of Allah.
22/11/2021
05/08/2021
21/06/2021