28/01/2023
Back in the days, I had the misfortune of being in a relationship with a soldier's daughter. All went well in the first few weeks we had begun the relationship. I avoided any contact with her father. My love was strong but not stronger than soldier's Koboko or public disgrace; frog jump. She had once assured me that her father was a gentle soldier but I was a very careful person. I was cautious to the extent that if I was with her phone, going through her pictures and I found her dad's picture, I would immediately apologize to the image in order not to offend him.
One day, my carefulness failed me. It was in the heat of the afternoon when we were texting each other. She wanted me to come over to her house. She assured me that her father had just traveled and that there was no need to panic. I was relieved to hear that the obstacle had traveled. If she had reported that the obstacle had gone to work , it would have been a different thing; I wouldn't have risked it but this one, 'traveled'? That sounded quite safe.
When I got there, the entire house was safe and empty. I was ready to lunch an attack on her submarine. I immediately undressed, went to the bathroom and baptized myself. I wasted much time in the bathroom in hope that she would join me. You know all those stories about how it is 'sweeter' in the bathroom? It's true if you don't slip and break your teeth. She joined me soon enough.
After ten minutes of co**al baptism, we got dried and left to resume later in the sitting room. You probably, also, must have heard how thrilling it is on the sofa. We had that too until soldier man started hooting his car horn at the gate.
I was never a dull boy. I invented a strategy immediately. The house had no back door so there was no need to run. We both couldn't imagine a safe enough place to hide so that option was also off. I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and ripped my jeans so that I will look ragged. Then I pulled my singlet and used it to wipe a few dusty furniture and wore it back on my sweaty body. This gave me the appearance of a typical Nigerian electrician.
He bounced in like Elijah marching on the prophets of Baal. He gave me a deadly stare and asked "who are you?"
His daughter quickly cut in; "Dad he is the fridge repairer, the fridge developed a fault so I called him to check it out."
"Oh! Good, you are growing," he told her, "at least you do not wait for me to fix things these days"
He grabbed a chair and sat close to me, at the dinning room, which was where the fridge was; the fridge I was pretending to repair. He asked for food, he mentioned how he had made a U-turn just to come back to eat because he just couldn't travel with an empty stomach anymore. All these men and food sef.
His eyes were now on me and my hands were in the electrical areas of the fridge. To impress, I began to cut wires. He asked why I was using a kitchen knife to work instead of pliers.
"Oh it's nothing. It's a minor problem," I said, "no need for sophisticated tools"
He smiled in a way that made me sweat more. I started cutting more wires until there was none left to cut, then I looked up and noticed that he was still looking at me. In order to convince him further, I started joining the wires back randomly.
The soldier man was still looking at me. I wanted to cry but I was brave and strong so I peed a little to flush out some fear and I got rid of extra fear by sweating.
Soldier man kept looking straight at me despite my hardwork. I began to panic even more. I decided that I had had enough. I figured it was better if he just gave me a quick death than allow me labour with a refrigerator until I die out of intimidation. I had pi**ed out every fear and my trouser was now soaked with urine. I got up and told them that I want to buy a "regulator" for the fridge. He asked me what a regulator was and I told him that it was used to regulate current entering the freezing channel of the fridge's incubator cycle. He gave me a stare that suggested that he didn't understand. I told him that it is an engineering term and that he probably won't know what it is.
I left to buy what I knew I was not going to buy. When I reached the door, he asked me how much it costs. I saw an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. I told him it costs ten thousand naira. He asked if I had ten thousand naira to buy it, I replied in the negative. He reached for his wallet and counted a cool amount of notes. He offered them to me, I came to him stretching out my hands to collect that which was offered me. He grabbed my hands firmly and told me to sit on the ground.
"Tell me more about this regulator thing," he said 🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Written by 👉 Sunny Mide 👈
