10/09/2026
THIS MAY HURT A FEW PEOPLE, BUT IT HAS TO BE SAID!
Many pastors’ children are struggling spiritually while their father is busy shepherding everyone else’s children.
And many pastors’ wives are emotionally and physically exhausted while their husbands pour themselves out for people outside the home.
I have spoken to pastors’ wives, and something I keep hearing concerns me deeply.
Some have lost respect for their husbands because the man they see on the pulpit is completely different from the man they experience at home. And this can make it hard for them to receive from the Lord what He gives through the husband.
On Sunday, he is patient, gentle, discerning, compassionate and full of wisdom.
At home, he may be harsh, emotionally unavailable, easily irritated, absent, controlling or simply too exhausted to give his family what he gives everyone else.
And children notice.
They may not understand theology, ministry, spiritual warfare or the pressures of pastoral leadership.
But they understand inconsistency.
They watch their father preach about love while their mother is crying privately.
They hear him teach about forgiveness while resentment fills the home.
They hear him preach about serving one another while their mother carries the weight of the household alone.
They hear him teach people to pray while their family barely gets his attention.
Eventually, some children begin asking a painful question:
“If this is the God my father serves, how can I want Him?”
That question should frighten us.
Not because the pastor is expected to be perfect. He isn’t.
Pastors are human beings who need grace, rest, accountability and help too.
But there is a difference between being imperfect and consistently refusing to practice at home what you publicly preach.
Paul told Timothy, “If someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of God’s church?” 1 Timothy 3:5.
Notice the order. 👉Household first. 👉Church second.
Your family should not have to compete with your ministry for the version of you that has something left to give.
And pastors’ wives should not have to silently die emotionally so that the congregation can continue seeing a picture of a thriving ministry.
Your wife is not part of the congregation.
She is your covenant partner.
Your children are not ministry liabilities.
They are your first disciples.
The pulpit is not the ultimate test of your leadership.
Your home is.
Anyone can prepare a sermon.
The harder question is whether the people who live with you experience the Jesus you preach about.
If your congregation calls you a great pastor but your wife experiences you as a stranger, something is wrong.
If people come to you for fatherly counsel but your own children are emotionally starving for their father’s attention, something needs to change.
If everyone outside your home gets your patience while your family gets your leftovers, ministry has become disordered.
Jesus did not die for your church building while asking you to neglect the people He entrusted to your home.
Pastor, love your wife.
Listen to your children.
Come home.
Apologize when you are wrong.
Let your family see you pray, repent, serve, forgive and walk with God when there is no microphone in front of you.
Because your greatest sermon may not be the one you preach on Sunday.
It may be the life your family watches you live when nobody is watching.
And sometimes the revival we are praying for in the church needs to begin in the pastor’s house.
Shalom
