An Answer For You: A Guide

We need a 'tomorrow' to live. Not just today.

This is how I understand that I am Autistic and have ADHD.

I am having difficulties while reading, listening and thinking.

When I read, English or mother tongue, I lose my attention. I start reading and automatically my mind goes somewhere.

The mind goes like, sometimes with related to the word which I read, and the word connects to something else and it goes.

Sometimes there is nothing related to what I am reading. simply it goes with any topic or incident.

And sometimes there is nothing, No incident, no connection. complete blank mind. and when my mind came back to the passage, my eyes are far away from were I started reading.

When it comes to listening, the same. It goes somewhere. When I try to make the eye contact or the lips, my attention goes to the movement of eyes and lips or whatever I am looking. And I remember very few from that communication. Its not easy for me to keep eye contact.

Also, when I think something, this blank space appears. It takes some time to connect what I am thinking because of the blank between the thoughts. And sometimes the topic change to another topic in between the thoughts and then coming back to where I started.

While writing numbers on a paper, I have difficulties. Earlier, just number 8. But now, most of the number is difficult to write. My hands become hard and its not flexible while writing numbers.

The second problem is, "WHY".

I don't have any goals, interest, purpose, reason or planning in life. From my childhood I never thought about who I want to be, what I want to study, what type of job, marriage, children, family, house, car, place, money. nothing bothered me. When someone asks me about these questions, my answer was I want to be a priest. Not because I want to be a priest, but that was my safest answer. So there will be no further question. The reason is, I don't have an answer for those questions. From my childhood and also now, I have no idea about "WHY" I am living.

I have very minimal emotions towards anything. I can understand only through the physical sign. I dont know what is love, but I know what is cold. I don't know what is sad, but I cry. I don't know what is happy, but I laugh.

I take the bus only if it is empty or few people.

I walk an extra kilometre to avoid human interactions.

I can have the same simple meal and can stay without talking for months.

I used to smoke cigarette and drink alcohol for years without understanding why I am doing.

A break during any task I don't prefer. Start and stop. Even if it takes hours, no problem. The continuation is important.

I can wait hours for my turn without even looking at phone. Just by sitting on the chair, if the exact time is unknown, like it might take 4 or 5 hour maybe more than that or less, not sure. But if i know that I have to wait for 10 minutes or 1 hour, then its difficult for me to stay in the same position.

An Yes or No answer is difficult for me.I have to think, then I have to give an explanation, and there is no Yes or No answer. The answer will be in that explanation and most of the time, the answer is a question.

A question like, do you want this/that? its really difficult for me to answer. Because I wasn't thinking about that thing. In that situation the answer suppose to be a No. But I get confused and I think why this question coming. And I would say Yes even if I don't want. Because I don't know if I need it or not.

I wish every human is like a machine. So everything will be in order.

I am a perfectionist. Like, I want to put back the hanger in which direction was the opening when we taken. A pen on the table. etc. In general, the positioning of materials are really matters.

Its very difficult for me to chose from option A and B. Its easy if there is only one option.

I wonder if su***de is the answer, but I don't have any reason for doing su***de. For me, life is just a process of, which is happening. every day is just another day. there is nothing special. I don't care about me.

If you ask, why I studied engineering, why I moved away from my home country, why I am doing this job, why I got married?
I am asking this WHY to me also.
My answer is, I don't know. Because since I am not having any reason for living, I just did based on what this structured society forced me to do.

Now I am understanding that, my nature or character whatever it is called, is making difficulties on my surroundings. Which is on my partner and my parents. But I don't know what to do and its not an easy thing to change myself. Because I don't have my own answer/reason for existence.

I am completely okay with the way I am. and this is not something started recently. I am like this from my childhood.

I used to think it will be better if I am old now. So everything will become past. I even think if it is necessary to attend my parents funeral. Because really I am not understanding this emotional attachment/connection or relationship. And this is not because I have any problem with my parents or siblings or my partner or friends. its not easy for me to understand others. I need the most straight answer/instructions in proper written or verbal communication.

This is what I understand about me based on my past. I said past, because I wasn't thinking about me before or I wasn't aware of myself. and when I started thinking, I am questioning everything.
I have nothing to talk with anyone. I would say, I am a loner. I don't need anyone or a wealthy life. The maximum I need to live comfortable is the least /minimum. Because how simple something is the easiest to manage.

My childhood was different. Because my family situation or structure, I would say it was complicated. May be thats why I became a non socialising person or a person with least emotions or no interests? No, If I really affected by my childhood, then my emotional connection/attachment towards my parents and sister will be unmeasurable. And I will be living with full planning/motivation towards life. Because I see how much my parents struggled. But I remember that my mom said I was very calm even by birth. She didn't struggle because of me as a newborn baby or child not just in the delivery time, throughout the childhood.

I prefer the same everyday activity. I cannot do more than one thing at a time. Usually I am having zero energy at all towards anything. I prefer the day starts in the afternoon. I need time for everything. And I prefer really slow pace. No limitation on how slow it needs to be. Just like it will happen at anytime in the future. I am forcing my body for everything and I am reaching the limit which my body can't handle now.

The existence, WHY, is bothering me a lot and I am not able to control thinking.

Now I understand about me.and that is my problem. It will be easier if I get an answer for how I want to live. But I am missing that part.

And when I said these are from my childhood, because I am remembering that these changes were from the age of 8, 9.

So, I was a loner or am I still a loner? I don't know.

Why I am here for this appointment? At first I thought, I want to know the reason. Now I am thinking why I want to know the reason?

I said there is nothing I am interested in, but few things attract me. They are silence, daylight and shade under the tree. I don't know what it means.

Also, I was having hobbies. They are, drawing: I can draw exactly the same by looking at a picture. But I can't draw without any referal image. I can't draw something like idea or imagination. I used to collect Coin, bus ticket, playing cards. These things I have done from the age of 8, 9 and stopped/not doing at the age of 14, 15. Then my hobbies were watching old movies and documentaries, reading books mostly slow pace at the age of 24, 25 and stopped/not doing at the age of 31,32.

But, only one thing I am still doing is, writing small notes. Which I started at the age of 28. The notes I called it as, what I am understanding. its not about everyone's opinion. For example, when I say , "I forgot that thing and I am not remembering it at all. I call it as a good memory power, because I remember that I forgot".

Most importantly, don't listen to others when you understand your limitations. Don't even look for motivations. Just observe your limitations, and you will get an idea of how to overcome it.

When there is lack of knowledge, God is possible. And the religion was constructed for other benefits.

Personal choice : Loner

To stand in the crowd without becoming the crowd

We are what our mind is. We must focus on improving ourselves. The more we win our inner battles, the more we will find peace.

Let's begin by improving our thoughts

"Are you doing everything just because of external pressure from society? Do you know that you don't want to do those things but have no idea how to choose your own path? If so, you need help."