Sexy Soul Search

Long awaited union.

We got engaged last summer and were planning on getting married this past March 19th, the first day of spring, with my family present and my daughter by my side. But life had different plans. Briseis died on March 14th.

Now four months later, after my grief tour, I am reunited with my love in Romania to start a new chapter as husband and wife.

It's a bittersweet period of transition, trying to determine my identity. I'm a mother without her daughter. But I'm also a mother to my beautiful son Rhodes and a wife to my lovely Romanian Robert.

Life is impermanent and change is inevitable. And some things in life are unwanted, but many moments can bring us joy and should be celebrated. This is one of those moments. In the darkest of times life delivered something new to step into.

Grief tour, stop 4.2 ~ Italy

My darling friend Stefania and I have talked about reuniting for years. What a gift to finally meet up in Florence where she lives, which is my favorite European city from when I was a young solo backpacker.

Another dream come true on this journey to shed sadness. I know I will never be the same after losing my daughter, but glimpses of joy are everywhere if I choose to look for them.

Grief tour, stop 4.1 ~ Italy

Dear Biagio, wow the island of Capri is something dreams are made of. I have a big heart full of gratitude for this day dream. I can't thank you enough.

Every day I try to stay present, yet sadness and sorrow easily creep in. It's experiences like this that take me to a different state of being. When the tears start to surface, I grab a hold of my daughter's essence and talk with her as if she is right next to me, taking in the sights and sounds of this beautiful world. I love you Briseis. Thank you for being with me and keeping me grounded on my tour of healing.

Grief tour, stop 4 ~ Italy

The love fest continues with my dear friend Biagio touring me through Sorrento, Positano, The Amalfi Coast and Ravello. We worked together years ago and I have very fond memories of him making the best Italian food for me and the kids. I am beyond blessed to continue to be cared for and supported on my journey. Grazie molto 🙏

Grief tour, stop 3.1 ~ Denmark

As I prepare to leave Denmark, my heart is full of all the emotions. I processed so much here, in the most loving supportive surroundings. Friendship, animals and nature were in abundance, showing up every day to embrace me and wipe my tears. I am forever grateful for these life changing moments.

Grief tour, stop 3 ~ Faroe Islands, Denmark

Grief is the price we pay for love. Being invited to Denmark to be cared for by my friend of 28 years in my time of grief? Priceless.

My beautiful Danish friend Anne insisted I come for a visit so she could support me in my healing. In a time where putting one foot in front of another was daunting, I'm so grateful she strongly nudged me to book the trip. She's seen me breakdown numerous times and is always there to pick me back up.

She took me to the Faroe Islands for a few days, where her mom grew up, and in all of my travels I've never seen a place so remote, rugged, pristine and breathtaking, providing more powerful moments of healing. Forever grateful.

Grief tour, stop 2.4 ~ India

Farewell India. You cracked me wide open to reveal the truth of life, loss and who I am.

The human experience is an evolution of the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual parts of us. Nothing remains the same in life. Everything is subject to change.

This realization will set you free of attachments and expectations and provide strength for the toughest of circumstances, if you allow it to do so.

And from that strength emerges a greater sense of purpose and the ability to live fully and love deeply. That is the truth.

Grief tour, stop 2.3 ~ India

After soaking up the energetic holiness of this 12th century temple I had a profound revelation.

My darling daughter Briseis was very sensitive about anyone suffering and she lived her life to prevent that. She would say "Nobody deserves to suffer. Everyone deserves love."

So it occurred to me that she would be really upset if she thought she was the cause of my suffering, due to her passing. It's not her fault that I lost her. She did nothing wrong to cause my sadness.

It's a reminder to honor her and remember that she is the reason for joy, happiness and love in my life, not pain, sorrow and suffering.

Grief tour, stop 2.2 ~ India

Being of service and helping others is monumental when it comes to healing. It is where we find life purpose and spiritual evolution.

What an honor to visit this elephant rehabilitation camp. These majestic creatures are also in need of healing and it was a privilege to be part of that in some small way. Helping others heal also mends our own wounds.

Life is not always easy, but when we remember we are all one, we find balance and ease in otherwise challenging moments.

Grief tour, stop 2.1 ~ India

As difficult as it is, staying present and being grateful are the top strategies when working to heal grief and sadness.

A day trip to Mysore offered just that, with all the sights and sounds India has to offer. A palace, temples, tuk-tuks and markets = a convergence of ancient and modern which brings the senses alive. And that's the goal.. to get excited about life, while honoring my loss, and most importantly to keep on living.

A mother’s grief and the lessons from her daughter

Since losing my darling girl in the physical form, my life is now full of tear-soaked tissues and an unending ache as I navigate this new chapter. It is all consuming. As a cancer survivor myself, I struggle with survivor’s guilt. I never thought I would lose my young daughter to cancer. I always thought it would be me. It should have been me. As devastating as this loss is, I am desperately grasping for the bits of good and to recognize life’s blessings.

Briseis is the best daughter. The best of humans. She is who I strive to be… kind, compassionate, creative, joyful, generous, non-judgmental… I never heard her say a negative thing about anyone. She always rooted for the underdog, the less fortunate, the voiceless. She loved animals and nature and did anything she could to prevent suffering, which is why she was a passionate vegan and why we dreamed of having an animal sanctuary one day. A memory I’ll never forget is when we were in Bali, she had a flower bath treatment at a spa and instead of enjoying her soak she was saving the little insects in the flowers from drowning. She and I also had the tough conversation about her end of life wishes and without hesitation she said “I definitely want to be cremated as it’s best for the environment.” These are perfect examples of who Briseis is, and she is my teacher.

Her passing has reminded me not worry about the small things, take nothing for granted, to stay present, cherish each moment, hold loved ones close, live life to the fullest and do good in the world. These are the only things that truly matter.

Briseis lived a very full 23 years. She was always up for an adventure, learning something new and bringing joy to those around her. She was an artist, clothing designer, jewelry maker, singer, dancer, academic scholar and world traveler. She left behind many beautiful creations and more stamps in her passport than most people twice her age, but she was so very humble about all of it.

I spent virtually every moment with her for several months before her passing. I saw what she endured and I witnessed strength, maturity and grace like I’ve never seen before. Even while she was suffering and fighting for her life, she was more worried about my wellbeing than her own.

We had many deep conversations in the final days and she knew that she is so much more than the physical body that failed her. She knew how much she was loved and will always be loved. And she knew that she will always be with me and that we will see each other again.

The spirit lives on in the actions we do and the impact we leave behind. I am committed to fulfilling her legacy. To save animals, to share her art with the world and to keep her spirit alive. This is my purpose. My mission. And as difficult as it is for a grieving mother to go on, it is a privilege to show up every day for my precious, amazing son, Rhodes, and to be the mother he deserves. He is my gift and together we will continue to honor my cherished daughter and his beloved sister.

Briseis, our relationship is different now, but I still see you, feel you and love you. Always, forever.