Healing Flashbacks - Then and Now

Presence
It is something I am becoming more and more aware of.
Something that was missing.
Something that always seemed to slip my grasp.
Something I needed to hold on to.
Something that needed special attention.
I learned I had to go numb when things aren’t going right.
I learned to turn myself off.

People don’t always seem to be present with me.
I always was attracted to people who were only partially present.
But now I see I am only partially present with them.

It's like the chicken and the egg. Who comes first, or who came first? How did it all start?
Did my habit of tapping out attract unavailable people or did the unavailable people in my life cause me to tap out?
Its an ever-ending cycle.
I am going to break it.
I can control myself and what I do. I can change habits and unconscious behaviours. I can't change others. They are mostly reflecting what I am doing or feeling. That’s how I realized I haven’t been really present. I was seeing it in everyone around me.
I am consciously becoming more aware and more present. It’s a process. Sometimes frustrating and sometimes depressing. But mostly with small breakthroughs full of hope that there is a deeper meaning to life than just plowing through life numb.
It all starts with just being.
Being present through it all as much as I can.
Breathing and being and promising that I will be with my loved ones through it all. I will be with myself through it all.
I see them.
I feel them.
I hear them.

I am in a dark corner.
On a small blanket. Curled up. No one is around and I have the worst pain and feel so weak.
I know not to complain so I just lay there and try to sleep.
Numb.
Blank.
Suddenly A light comes on.
Footsteps on the stairs coming down.
Maybe I did something wrong. I struggle to stand up. A shadow crosses the doorway. There are rustling noises.
Footsteps walking back up the stairs.
I breathe and slouch back down into my place.
Relieved that no one noticed I was sick.
Dismayed that no one noticed that I was sick.
I want to black out.

I breathe and bring myself back.
I rub my daughters back. She is restless and isn’t feeling well. I can feel her absorbing my warmth and just enjoying being with me.
I feel a bit impatient and remember all the things I have to get done. Mostly work around the house. All the seemingly never-ending small chores that any household with children requires.
Not to mention the long to do list for work but that loses all precedence when I am at home.
It still takes up mental and emotional space and makes me impatient and restless as well.
I relax again. I breathe my sweet daughter in and try to be in the moment with her.
To just be….
Presence...
Something I didn’t get

What is in the music???
Music changes with my mood or my mood changes with the music. Whichever way music is a huge part of my life. Every hardship or difficult time seems to be pacified or healed through tunes, lyrics and sound. Every memory and feeling can bring up a sound , song or lyric that is nostalgic even when the memory was traumatic.
I realized many times I am escaping my feelings or uncomfortable thoughts with music as well. Very unintentional but…..it is what it is.
I am playing loud music in my car. Music that is mostly dance, happy upbeat tunes that keeps my heart beating and my mood up. But then I realize I am running away from something again. I turn the music off unsure of is making me uncomfortable. What am I now trying to pacify?
I get thrown back.
Sitting for hours in my dark corner crippled with boredom. I am not allowed to go outside or anywhere really. The only things I had in my possession were a few sets of clothes, tooth paste and a tooth brush, a hairbrush, a blanket, a couple of notebooks, a pen, a few math workbooks and my accordion. Yes, an accordion.
Out of boredom I open the accordion case and start to play. But I have to be careful no one hears me because it really isn’t one of the songs that I am allowed to play. I play very softly. I really don’t want to because I just sat in a “meeting” for a good 4 hours playing the same songs of worship over and over. But again the boredom has gotten the better of me and I am playing again.
Soon I let the accordion slip from my arms and just put my head down and revert to daydreaming.
I shake it off….. thankfully smile…..
Happy for the freedom and choice I have today.
How can this healing?
I am still unsure but it is all coming to the surface so it has to be good.

I am cutting up a salad for my kids. They love freshly cut salad. A simple salad. Really simple. Nothing really complicated. Mostly just cucumbers and tomatoes… but the tomatoes. The smell. How it slips in my fingers.
Throws me back.
I am sitting on the floor with a cutting board in front of me and a knife in my hand cutting the 3 millionth tomato. On either side of me there is a huge blue tub the size of a bathtub. One side is full of tomatoes and the other is with cut tomatoes that I had recently cut. I have been at this for a few days already and only when I get permission I can stop cutting for the day or at least take a bathroom break. I discreetly slip a piece into my mouth. I know if I get caught I will get into big trouble and then I will have to go back to sitting inside in my corner all day.
So am careful to not get caught. I would rather be outside cutting tomatoes than in my dark corner but it does get tiring and besides I am hungry. I am actually resenting this because one tub keeps getting refilled by those who are picking the tomatoes and the other side keeps getting emptied into smaller storage containers by this other girl that sometimes sits with me to cut since I am not cutting fast enough. It never seems to end.

I shake off the memory and finish cutting my four little tomatoes. I am thankful that it is all and these are for my own kids. I am now making happier memories intentionally, so I purposely smell and feel the tomatoes while thinking of the life I have now.

אני מכינה פנקייקים במטבח. אני נחושה ליצור אווירה נעימה וביתית שלא הייתה לי כשגדלתי אבל תמיד חלמתי עליה. הרעש ברקע זה של ילדים במשחק ואנטראקציות עם אחד השני. זה נורמלי מאוד אבל זה גם מפריע לי!!! מרגישה כעס עולה.
למה כל כך הרבה רעש? למה כל כך הרבה בלגן? זה זורק אותי אחורה.
פלשבק
לבית ריק. אין רהיטים. כבר חשוך אבל ההורים שלי עוד לא חזרו הביתה. אני רעבה ומחפשת בפעם המאה בארונות משהו לאכול שאולי פספסתי בפעם האחרונה שהסתכלתי. גם האחים שלי שם.

אנחנו חוזרים בשקט לסלון כדי לשחק עם כמה לוחות פלסטיק שאבא שלי הכניס הביתה. חשוך וקר ואנחנו שקטים, מפחדים (לפחות אני) ומחכים. מחכה שפנסי המכונית של אמא ואבא יופיעו בחניה. אני לא מדליק את האורות כי אני מפחד שיראו אותי. זו שכונה מסוכנת לגור בה. ראיתי מה יכול לקרות לאנשים בשכונה הזאת.
אני נושמת וחוזרת.
מחייכת
אומרת לעצמי שהרעש הזה הוא בדיוק מה שחלמתי עליו. רעש של שמח. רעש שובב של ילדים מאושרים שעושים שיעורי בית ומשחקים ברקע. זה התגשם לי.
זה היה החלום שלי והוא התגשם! עכשיו אני יכולה לקבל את זה??

I am making pancakes in the kitchen. I am determined to make a cozy, homey atmosphere that I didn’t have when growing up but always dreamed about. The noise in the background of kids happily interacting and playing is very normal but it also........... at times bothers me!
Why so much noise? Why so much mess? It throws me back.
Flashback……
To an empty house. There isn’t any furniture. It is dark already but my parents haven’t come home yet. I am hungry as I look for the hundredth time in the cupboards for something to eat that maybe I missed the last time I looked. My brothers are also there.
We go back quietly to the living room to play with some plastic boards that my father brought home. It is dark and cold and we are quiet, fearful (at least I am) and waiting. Waiting for mom and dad’s car headlights to show up in the driveway. I don’t turn on the lights because I am scared to be seen. It is a dangerous neighbourhood to live in. I have seen what can happen to people in this neighborhood…..
I breathe and come back. Smile and tell myself that this noise is exactly what I dreamed for. Happy noise. Playful noise of happy children doing homework and playing in the background. It came true for me.
This was my dream and it came true. Now can I accept it??

תודה שהצטרפתם עליי!!
אני כאן כדי להראות את תהליך הריפוי של איוורור מחשבות ופלאשבקים מהעבר.
אני אוהבת להשתמש במילה פלאשבקים כי המחשבות האלה הן בעצם רק בזקים של סצנות קצרות מהעבר הסוער שלי.
למדתי לחיות איתם ובעיקר פשוט להתעלם מהם, למרות שאני יודעת שהם הפכו לחלק גדול מהתת מודע שלי וסביר להניח שהם מכתיבים איך אני מגיבה או מקבלת החלטות.
כשאני עומדת בכיתה מלאה בתלמידים, כל אחד עם הסיפור והמטען שלו, אני עומדת איתם ומנסה לתווך, להדריך ואפילו לנתב מחדש בצורה הטובה ביותר שאני יכולה.
(אני נרתעת מלהגיד שאני גם מלמדת אותם מכיוון שאני לא מרגישה שזה מה שאני עושה בפועל).
אבל ככל שאני הופך ליותר ויותר מודעת לעצמי אני מבינה שלפלאשבקים האלו יש השפעה רבה לטוב ולרע.
והנה אני מתכוונת להשתמש בהם כמדריך ולטוב.

Thanks for joining!!

I am here to show the healing process of airing out thoughts and flashbacks from the past.
I like to use the word flashbacks because these thoughts are really just flashes of short scenes from my turbulent past.
I have learned to live with them and mostly to just ignore them, though I know they have become a big part of my subconscious and they most likely dictate how I react or make decisions.

As I stand in a classroom full of students, each going through life with their own story and baggage, I stand with them trying to mediate, guide and even redirect as well as I possibly can.

(I shy away from the word teach since I don't feel that's what I really do.)

But as I become more aware of myself I realize these flashbacks have great impact for good and for bad.

And here I intend to make it for good and for better.....