Positively Philippa

Have you been sent/seen any photos of your loved one that you had never seen before? These are like gold dust! 💫

Mums good friend sent this to me last night. Mum, visiting herself and new born baby daughter in hospital 1986. This photo was taken 7 months, nearly 8 months after mum had given birth to me. 🥰

Just how I remember her!!!! Glowing , Princess D vibes,natural, and a completely effortless beauty.

Caroline loved a pencil skirt.

Miss you so much. Means the 🌍 to sleep with this # # #

***This***

Todays learning! Look for your glimmers! 💫 💜💙🩷

Time does ease the ache because time has encouraged us to consume our lives with other people, subjects, surroundings and has helped us shift our focus. However, when you take yourself back to the days where your love one had to endure so much pain- it hurts! I’m sure this is the case for many?

Yesterday I woke up to images and conversations mum and I had on her death bed and it cuts deep. 💔A deep ache of unfairness- her life was taken away at such a young age. She had so much left to discover about the world and herself. We were just hitting the stage of adulthood together. I was 21 and we were socialising as best friends.

She was my best friend! I always knew how special our relationship was but over the years ,it’s so much more apparent. We were SO unbelievably united. I loved and respected her so much. I still do. I loved being in her company, she made me laugh and feel good. She was full of sunshine and no judgement. She was kind and a good person to the people she loved but to the people who were complete strangers.(Like the time she called me and said she had picked up a homeless man at the side of the road and was driving him to A & E) There are more of these stories. Utterly selfless and unique in so many ways!

Yesterday I weeped tears with my children asking more brilliant questions of who their Nanny in heaven was. My youngest daughter said “if she didn’t meet us in person how do you know she loves us?”

I know because Mum and I had 9 months to cross all the dots & ts (well the ones that were relevant to a 21 year old girl). Mum and I would have 1am phone calls where neither of us could sleep and we would thrash out all our thoughts and worries that were concerning us. We spoke many of time about her future grandchildren that would soon one day appear. The thought of my mum missing my wedding day and the day I gave birth was unsettling. (Yes I am that girl who would of had hubby one side and my mum the tother 🫶🏼)

So my response to my daughter was “she spoke of you before you were even born. From the moment you entered this life, she was beside you and promised to look over you forever.”

16 years without you but you still live on Mum.💜🦋

R & R in Switzerland.

You have my heart.♥️🏔️🇨🇭👣✈️📍🗺️

🇨🇭

Today I have woken up reminding myself about the journey I started 2 years ago! ✨

2 years ago, for various reasons I decided to stop drinking alcohol 🍷:
*my heart
*my liver
*my children
*the fear and thought of how actually challenging it would be- the worry of how to stop! It was a social habit! If I was concerned about how I would function without it at social events, for me this had to be problematic.

Last week, through the sadness of grief and moving (NOT moving) house, I was so close to pouring a glass. I didn’t! I wanted to- I wanted to undo all of my hard work to make myself feel even worse! Sick of death and sick of feeling like the universe is punishing me. Irrational but it felt real. 💭 (we all have those moments)

How am I losing the people I love so young and how am I not being blessed with a forever family home that we have been craving for since 2019?! How has it still not happened despite the continuous and forceful efforts?!

I have been quiet on here, I know! My world is in transition left, right and centre! 🌍 I am working through this rough period of acceptance….living without my biological dad and watching my step dad - aka HERO deteriorating with dementia. I have good days and bad days!

I am back at work doing what I love, helping others who struggle with mental health. Learning that mental health stems from a huge array of experiences some of us have to endure in childhood and adulthood. Comes in all shapes and sizes. 🧠

One thing I truly believe in is HOPE. Hope of feeling better and hope of living your fullest life despite life advertises. We all have a chance of happiness! We have to grab it - ALWAYS. 💜

Time, hope and gratitude are my witnesses.

Have a good weekend and when I’m back to feeling like I haven’t got a constant headache- I’ll be here to share my experiences, coping strategies and harsh realities ; the good , the bad and the beautiful.

Signing off. Be back soon. I promise. 👋🏽

Still to this day, you play one of the most important roles in my life. I miss you SO much mum, it’s unbearable at times.

I take the learnings in my 21 years and I apply it to who I am today. You were a FANTASTIC mother and my best best friend. The lady who totally inspired me to strive and live a life that’s worth living for. The lady who repeatedly told me I was special and indeed, hugged me like I was. A mother that mothered. 🫂 💫

Loving your children is EVERYTHING. 🩷

Happy Mother’s Day Mum, to me and to all the other lovely mummies in the world. 🌍🦋

Today is always special. 🌈

I knew there was a reason I didn’t want to leave the house.

Public. Crying!

Soul Searching. 🕊️

They say a picture speaks a thousand words.

This is how I feel right now.

When you are feeling somewhat vulnerable and a little lost in the ether, you rely on your friends and family to hold space for you even if your outburst is right in the middle of stirring a cup of tea or cleaning out a car door or washing your hands in the sink because it creeps up on you sometimes when you least expect it.

I had a cuppa with a friend yesterday and she said “how are you actually doing?” Those words are so precious! Sometimes we forget to check in on ourselves and evaluate, “actually how am I doing?.” We can give ourselves the answers if we take the time.

I am doing ok. I am functioning which is way more than I did when I lost mum. But I also feel like I am waiting……. Due to complications, I am still waiting for a cremation day, time and his funeral gathering has not yet taken place.

Having this platform to listen and read others words on grief really helps and every single post of grief, I can relate to all over again. Round two.

When the time is right, I will be back guys and I will be back with more vision, words of wisdom than I once had before and just as much passion to help you on your journey. Whatever that may be! 💜

I am taking this time to be with family and have the space I need to process the reality of life without mum or dad in it. Dad’s celebration of life is the end of next week and quite honestly, I’m dreading it. The thought of facing reality that Dad is physically gone makes me weep but at the same time, I know it will be so precious to meet so many of dads life long friends and make it special just for him. He deserves this. 💚

I am sure many of you can relate to this bitter, sweet way of feeling.

A massive appreciation post to all my fellow grief coaches and Instagram muckers who spread love on grief and loss- some lovely reinforcements and caring reminders of how grief participates in your life. 💫

I’m just a girl.

A girl that will be back to continue spreading positivity and share how the dark times give us true meaning to our brighter times. 🌈

Big love everyone,

Hold your loved ones tight- so tight! 🫂

Philippa

Anyone else feeling hazey?!

Woke with tears having had a crying session with my little Irish Nan this AM. (Dad’s mum)💭 😴 ☘️ I was asking her why Dad was taken in, what I described as an ‘quick aggressive slaughter.’

Nan cuddled me hard and said “ I thought it would take you longer to open up about how hard it’s been for you. It’s ok to let it all out.” 🫂

I wept in and out of my dream. Thank you Nan for the dreamy presence.🩷

It’s day 20 and my brain is still trying to process what has actually happened to Dad. It was a rapid experience and decline. In amongst mothering 4 children and pressures/demands of life- keeping the wheels in motion, I haven’t had much quiet time to think.

My head still feels fuzzy and lately I have been feeling the overwhelm. Where do I start first, where do I go to let out how I feel, what’s the best course of action to move myself forward and how will I feel once I have honoured his last wishes. So many more questions but I’ll stick to the main points.

Lots of moving parts. I feel like someone has pressed stop 🛑, hold it in, carry on with the necessities and at some point there will be an available time to think.

This grief is different from when my mum died for so many reasons……age for starters. Age of them/me, connection, service, stage of life, requirements, commitments, dependence, journey, and knowledge.

It’s been a whirlwind. Never in my life did I think I’d be without my mum at 21 and my dad at 38. I just imagined older , much much older.

You know what they say. When the s**t hits the fan, you really see who shines through for you. The people who can’t be your mum or dad. My step dad has always been my biggest supporter who is still living but living with Alzheimer’s so when I spoke with him about Dad passing, he didn’t fully react the way he once would. I am hanging onto him for as long as above will allow. 🙏🏼

In life- we hit bumps. I’m at a bump but I know in my heart, that once I have got over this bump and the fog has cleared, it will transform into gratitude.

Grief, haze & support.💜💫

Started this Sunday off a little differently. A mouth full of sea salt and a winding to my stomach. 🥶🌊

It was COLD but I smiled and I did it!

In honour of World Cancer Day and my dad who passed over last Saturday. 🌍💔

£200 raised alongside the nations efforts on World Cancer Day! Doing our bit for others.

Good luck to everyone who is completing a challenge today for everyone who suffers at the hands of cancer.

One week since we spoke to each other throughout on the Friday. (Watching orcas on tv and talking about you having witnessed them when fishing on your IOW competitions 🐋 ) *I am so glad I stayed a while. ☕️

One week ago I told you I loved you before I closed the door. 😔♥️

One week since I stopped doing our daily bathing routine. I won’t miss brushing your teeth. 😉

One week of not bringing you necessities to get you by.

One week of your youngest grandchild not pulling on your oxygen mask.

One week of feeling utterly proud of how you handled yourself right to the bitter end. No pain relief, no negativity and no fuss. Conscious with full Ted humour right up until you passed. We were all so amazed by your strength.

One week of seeing so many hundreds of lovely comments about you as a person! Smiling and crying at the same time. Didn’t know you knew SOOO many people.

One week of incoming memories from when I was little all the way up til we part.

One week of silence.

One week of no sleep.

One week of ache eyes and floods of tears.

One week of thinking about you non stop! 💔

You will never leave my heart Dad and the next time we order a Chinese, I’ll always think of you!

💜💫