Rebecca P. Fox - Psychotherapist

Narcissistic abuse doesn’t start with cruelty.
It starts with chemistry that feels electric.

That’s why so many people miss the early signs because at first it feels like connection, intensity, even fate. It mirrors the romantic, fairytale version of love we’ve been taught to believe in, the idea of “the one,” so you genuinely think you’ve finally found them.

But heres where people get confused believing that
𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗺𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗰𝘆 - when it doesn't!

Early 𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗹𝗮𝗴𝘀 are often disguised as:

🔺 Fast emotional bonding that feels like “we just click”

🔺 Over-sharing framed as trust and vulnerability

🔺 Constant contact that feels flattering, not invasive

🔺 Grand gestures that feel reassuring, not overwhelming

🔺 Subtle boundary testing you brush off as harmless

All these things feel so good because they are meant to!
Then the attachment has been sped up before any real trust has time to form, and emotional depth is performed openly before there’s any real safety to do so. By the time something starts to feel off, you’re already emotionally invested and that’s when leaving no longer feels simple, and thats how people get hooked.

Read about the dangers of how a narcissistic relationship starts and how to identify the manipulative behaviours in this blog: https://rebeccapfox.com/post/transactional-relationship

Valentine’s Day Through a Narcissist’s Eyes!

I want to be very clear - Valentine’s Day isn’t about love to a narcissist.

𝗜𝘁’𝘀 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗹, 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗹𝘆, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗽𝘁𝗶𝗰𝘀.

For them, it’s a day to:

🌹 prove something

🌹 extract attention

🌹 reinforce power

🌹 or punish you emotionally

You might remember how confusing it felt. One year they’d be overly performative, making grand gestures, public posts, with sudden outbursts of affection - not because of intimacy, but because it looked good on them. Another year they’d withdraw completely, minimise the day, or accuse you of being needy for wanting something simple.

And either way, you were left unsettled.

𝗜𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗱 𝘂𝗽, 𝗶𝘁 𝗼𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝗰𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗱.
I𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻’𝘁, 𝗶𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘀𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲, 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲, 𝗼𝗿 𝗯𝗹𝗮𝗺𝗲.

Valentine’s Day becomes a psychological lever in narcissistic dynamics - a way to keep you guessing, hoping, doubting, or working harder for crumbs of connection.

I can assure you that confusion isn’t accidental.

Special days amplify power imbalances. They expose needs. And narcissistic personalities use that. Not consciously in a movie-villain way, but instinctively, to maintain control and regulate their own fragile sense of self.

So if Valentine’s Day brings up sadness, anger, or relief rather than romance, I want you to know that's ok. Your body remembers what those days meant, not what they were supposed to mean. And if you’re no longer in that relationship, it’s okay if today still stings. Healing doesn’t run on a calendar.

Check out my blog which can help you break the bond so that you can move on! https://rebeccapfox.com/post/trauma-dating-trauma-bonds

Valentine’s Day, in my opinion, is largely a money-making machine for companies.

Cards. Flowers. Chocolates. Prix fixe menus.
A lot of pressure. A lot of spending. A lot of performance.

And if we’re being honest, one day a year doesn’t make or break a relationship.

However…
There is something useful we can take from Valentine’s Day and that’s the spotlight it puts on emotional needs.

At its core, Valentine’s Day nudges partners to think about how love is expressed and how it’s received. And when you strip away the marketing, it actually maps quite neatly onto the five love languages:

💥 𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗱𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻
Cards, messages, verbal appreciation - feeling seen, valued, and chosen.

💥 𝗤𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲
Dates, time set aside, phones down - intentional connection, not just proximity.

💥 𝗥𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗴𝗶𝗳𝘁𝘀
Not about cost, but thoughtfulness - “I thought of you.”

💥 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗶𝗰𝗲
Planning the day, organising childcare, making life easier - love shown through effort.

💥 𝗣𝗵𝘆𝘀𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗼𝘂𝗰𝗵
Affection, closeness, intimacy - feeling emotionally and physically safe.

The problem isn’t Valentine’s Day itself.
The problem is when these needs are only acknowledged once a year.

Healthy relationships don’t rely on grand gestures on one specific date.
They’re built on consistent emotional attunement by knowing what your partner needs to feel loved and meeting that need regularly.

So if Valentine’s Day does anything useful, let it be this:
A reminder to check in, communicate, and ask,
“How do you actually feel loved, and am I showing up in that way?”

Because love isn’t proven by spending money. 𝗜𝘁’𝘀 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗯𝘆 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗰𝘆.

And that matters far more than roses ever will.

I don’t recognise myself anymore...

One of the things people rarely talk about after narcissistic abuse is how disconnected you are from your self.

You look in the mirror and something feels off.
Not just physically, but internally.
Your confidence feels gone. Your voice feels quieter. The version of you that once felt sure, expressive, and grounded feels distant.

And I know how terrifying that feels.

People often describe it as feeling like a shell of who they used to be. Like parts of them were slowly stripped away and they’re not sure how to get them back. And when that happens, the question that follows is usually a painful one: 𝗦𝗼 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗮𝗺 𝗜 𝗻𝗼𝘄?

This disconnect isn't because you lost yourself on purpose. In narcissistic relationships, identity often gets eroded slowly. You adapt to keep the peace. You shrink to avoid conflict. You second-guess your needs and soften your truth to stay connected. Over time, that constant self-adjustment disconnects you from who you are.

So if you don’t recognise yourself anymore, it doesn’t mean you’ve disappeared. It means you’ve been surviving in an environment where being fully yourself wasn’t safe.

And the good news - even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, that identity isn’t lost. It can be rebuilt, gently and safely, once the nervous system no longer feels under threat.

If this feels close to home, I want you to know that you’re not alone, my blog will help you move forward from this time in your time: https://rebeccapfox.com/post/trauma-survivors-self-trust

Have you noticed that even though the relationship is over, your body hasn’t relaxed?

You might jump when your phone buzzes.
Replay conversations that already happened.
Feel a tightness in your chest for no obvious reason.
Struggle to fully switch off, even when nothing is “wrong.”

𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝘂𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻: Why do I still feel like this?

This is one of the most misunderstood parts of narcissistic abuse recovery. Leaving the relationship doesn’t automatically tell your body that it’s safe. While you were in it, your nervous system learned to stay alert - to read tone, anticipate moods, and brace for emotional fallout. That wasn’t anxiety. It was adaptation.

So when you leave, the environment changes, but the conditioning remains.

Nothing is wrong with you.
You’re not broken.
And you’re not failing to “move on.”

𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘂𝗿𝘃𝗶𝘃𝗲.

For a lot of people, understanding this is the first moment the self-blame eases. Healing doesn’t start with forcing yourself to calm down, it starts with helping your nervous system feel safe again.

If this sounds like you and you want to learn more check out my latest blog: https://rebeccapfox.com/post/damage-toxic-relationships-cause

Why you start believing that you’re the narcissist...

One of the most common and most distressing thoughts I hear after narcissistic abuse is this:

“𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝗳 𝗜’𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗻𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗶𝘀𝘁?”

And I want to say this clearly, because it matters: 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲.

In relationships where your reality was repeatedly questioned, your reactions were criticised, and your emotions were framed as the problem, self-doubt doesn’t just appear - it’s installed. Over time, being told you’re too sensitive, overreacting, or the cause of the conflict slowly trains you to look inward for blame instead of outward for context.

So when the relationship ends, the questioning doesn’t stop. It turns inward.
You replay conversations.
You analyse your tone.
You wonder if you were manipulative, selfish, or cruel.

That doesn’t mean you lack self-awareness. In fact, it usually means the opposite. People with true narcissistic traits rarely question themselves like this. They don’t sit with guilt, confusion, or a desire to understand their impact.

This kind of self-interrogation is far more often the result of prolonged gaslighting and emotional destabilisation, it's not evidence that you were the abuser.

If you’ve been stuck in this loop of doubt, you’re not broken, and you’re not “missing something obvious.” You’re responding exactly as someone does when their sense of self has been repeatedly undermined.

Choosing a therapist isn’t something you should rush, and it definitely isn’t something you should do blindly!

Many therapists will offer a consultation, this isn’t a formality, 𝗜𝘁’𝘀 𝗮 𝗳𝗶𝗹𝘁𝗲𝗿.

It’s your opportunity to assess whether this person is actually equipped to help you, or whether they’re simply offering a generic service that keeps you talking without moving forward.

𝗕𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲’𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘁𝗵 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘀𝗮𝘆 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗹𝗼𝘂𝗱:
- Not all therapists are created equal.
- Some therapists are specialists in certain areas.
- Others are jack-of-all-trades.

That doesn’t make one “bad” but it does mean the fit matters!
Before committing to ongoing work, you should be asking these following questions:

🤔 Do they specialise in what I’m struggling with?

🤔 Do they clearly explain how they work?

🤔 Do they have a structured approach, or is it open-ended talking?

🤔 When they speak or write, does their language make sense to me?

🤔 Do I feel understood - or talked at?

🤔 Do I like this person, feel comfortable talking to them?

Do your due diligence. Take time to look at their website and read their reviews. If they create content, pay attention to how they communicate - does their language resonate with you and reflect your experience, or does it leave you feeling confused, vague, or disconnected? That distinction really matters.

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗥𝗮𝗶𝘀𝗲 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗘𝘆𝗲𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘄𝘀 𝗘𝗮𝗿𝗹𝘆 𝗢𝗻:

- There’s no clear direction, plan, or explanation of what you’re working toward

- Sessions feel repetitive, with no sense of progression

- Boundaries feel blurred or uncomfortable

- Money, frequency, or expectations aren’t transparent

- You leave feeling dismissed, shamed, or more confused than when you arrived

Therapy is not meant to be endless talking with no movement. Ethical, effective therapy creates clarity, even when the work itself is challenging.

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗹𝘁𝗵𝘆 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗽𝘆 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗙𝗲𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝗟𝗶𝗸𝗲
Good therapy doesn’t mean you always feel “better” after a session - but over time, you should notice:

✅ Increased understanding of yourself

✅ Greater emotional regulation

✅ Clearer decision-making

✅ A growing sense of agency

✅ Movement, not stagnation

𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄:

- What you’re working on
- Why you’re working on it
- How progress is being measured
- And above all you should feel safe!

If after a few sessions you feel stuck, lost, or unsure what’s happening, that doesn’t make you ungrateful or difficult

𝗦𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗹𝘆 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻𝘀: The therapist isn’t the right fit and their approach doesn’t match your needs.

And yes, sometimes people stay in therapy far longer than necessary simply because no one is checking whether it’s actually helping. Therapy should move you forward, not keep you circling the same ground. That’s exactly why a consultation exists - to protect you. Use it. Ask questions. Trust your instinct

Your therapist is there to serve your growth, it's important to remember that.
And if you’re not getting a return on the time, energy, or money you’re investing, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It likely means that something needs to be addressed, which can often feel awkward.

𝗦𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿:

➡️ 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗽𝗶𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻’𝘁 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀.
If they don’t know what’s not working for you, they can’t adjust their approach, or if needed help you find a better fit.

➡️ 𝗙𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗮𝘁𝗶𝘀𝗳𝗶𝗲𝗱 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 “𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝘂𝗹𝘁.”
It makes you self-aware, which is a great thing! Your therapist should appreciate you speaking up when you’re not happy - so speak up!

➡️ 𝗦𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗰𝗸.
Honest feedback creates movement for both parties.

This is why therapy matters on a deeper level. It isn’t just about insight or understanding what happened, it’s a sandbox for real life, a space where you can practise having a voice!

𝗔 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗼:
✔️ Practice setting boundaries
✔️ Say when something isn’t working
✔️ Advocate for your needs safely
✔️ Experience being heard without consequences

If you can do that in the therapy room, you can do it anywhere. That’s why I regularly check in with my clients about how they’re feeling in the process - what’s working, what they might be unsure about, and any questions that come up along the way. Those check-ins matter, because the goal is to catch blind spots early, make adjustments where needed, and ensure they’re always moving forward rather than feeling stuck.

Understand that the goal of therapy isn’t compliance. It’s growth!
And growth often starts with finding your voice.

One of the biggest misunderstandings about healing after a toxic relationship is believing it’s a mindset issue.

That if you could just think differently, understand more, or stay positive then things would settle.

The reality is, what most people are dealing with isn’t a thinking problem - 𝗶𝘁’𝘀 𝗮 𝗻𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝘀𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲.

When you spend a long time in an emotionally unsafe or unpredictable dynamic, your body adapts. It learns to stay alert, to scan for threat, to brace itself. That isn’t weakness - that’s survival. So when the relationship ends, your nervous system doesn’t immediately catch up. It doesn’t recognise that it’s “over.” It’s still responding to what it learned in order to keep you safe.

𝗧𝗵𝗮𝘁’𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝘆 𝘆𝗼𝘂…
…still feel anxious, dysregulated, or on edge.
…still struggle to relax, trust, or feel settled.

Nothing has gone wrong, you didn't make the wrong decision, its your system is doing exactly what it was trained to do.

I explain this more fully without any jargon or judgement - in my latest blog, because once you understand this piece, so much of the self-blame starts to fall away.

👉 https://rebeccapfox.com/post/toxic-relationship-recovery

Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to move on.
It’s about helping your nervous system realise it’s safe again.

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “I should be over this by now,” I want to pause you right there.

That thought doesn’t mean you’re weak - It usually means you’re being really unfair with yourself.

So many people leave toxic relationships believing that healing should be linear - that once they understand what happened, things should start improving quickly. And when that doesn’t happen, the conclusion they often come to is harsh:

𝗠𝗮𝘆𝗯𝗲 𝗜’𝗺 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗱𝗮𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝗜 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁.
𝗠𝗮𝘆𝗯𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗲𝘅 𝗶𝘀 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗹𝗲𝗺.
𝗠𝗮𝘆𝗯𝗲 𝗜 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘆𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗻 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳.

But struggling after a toxic relationship isn’t a sign that you’re failing, It’s often a sign that you’re finally out of survival mode and everything you had to suppress just to cope is starting to surface - and that can feel really scary and destabilising.

Insight alone doesn’t settle a nervous system that’s been under prolonged emotional stress. Time alone doesn’t heal you either.

What you’re feeling is to be expected.

I’ve written about why this happens and what’s actually going on beneath the self-judgement in my latest blog.

👉 https://rebeccapfox.com/post/toxic-relationship-recovery

Be gentle with yourself. Healing doesn’t begin with pressure. It begins with understanding.

Leaving was supposed to be the hard part - Right?!
So then why does it feel like everything unravelled after?

Why do you feel more anxious now than when you were still in it?
More confused. More fragile. Less like yourself.

You know that you did the brave thing by getting out of that relationship. But instead of relief, you’re left questioning yourself in ways you never did before. In fact right now it feels impossible to get a break in your thoughts.

𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘢𝘮 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮?
𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘦, 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘐 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵?
𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵’𝘴 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦?, 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘧 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘦

If this is you, I want you to know that what's happening to you right now is to be expected when your nervous system's been under prolonged emotional stress and its finally dropped the armour.

Whilst leaving may well end the relationship, it doesn’t immediately undo what your body learned in order to survive it while you were in that relationship.

I’ve written about this in more depth today - not from theory, but from personal experience and years of working with people who felt exactly like this and thought they were failing at healing.

👉 Read my latest blog here which will help you make sense of why you feel the way you do after having the courage to leave - https://rebeccapfox.com/post/toxic-relationship-recovery

Can you really define cheating in the age of DMs, likes and private replies?

The old definition of cheating - physical betrayal - is no longer enough to explain the pain people are carrying in modern relationships. Because today, betrayal doesn’t always happen in beds or behind closed doors. It happens quietly. Repeatedly. In DMs, private replies, secret follows, emotional investment that never quite crosses a “technical” line, yet somehow leaves one person feeling deeply unsafe. These emotional leaks happen online, often minimised, often dismissed, but they slowly erode trust all the same.

Most couples never actually talk about digital boundaries. They assume. They avoid. They hope. And by the time the conversation happens, it’s usually in the middle of hurt, defensiveness, and damage control when it’s already too late.

Find out what those boundaries are and how you can set them in my latest blog.👇

Spotlight on “Collectors” A Hidden Digital Red Flag Micro-cheating is more common than you think. Learn the signs, the role of collectors, and practical ways to build healthy digital boundaries in dating.