Nina Farr

Is it abuse?

If your coparent allows you to become so depleted financially, emotionally, physically and mentally that you are at risk of being unable to meet your child’s needs or your own, this is post-separation abuse. This is child abuse.

Non-payment of child maintenance is financial abuse.

Not meeting their commitments to see your child, is abuse.

Not participating in carrying the burden of meeting your child’s health or education needs is abuse.

Alleging parental alienation while abdicating responsibility is abuse.

Playing the victim to family and friends while refusing to communicate with you is emotional abuse.

When all of the above prevent you from maintaining a professional or social or personal life, you are a victim of post-separation abuse, and it matters. You matter.

We need to start talking about post-separation abuse LOUDLY and clearly.

Absence alone is not abusive. Absence + manipulation, image protection and coercion behind the scenes absolutely is abuse.

If this is your experience you are not alone. Drop a comment below to shine a light on what this looks like for you, or share what you think needs to change.

One of the most difficult experiences victims of post separation abuse face is the minimisation and denial of their abuse.

If you believe you are experiencing post separation abuse, then AI may actually be a real tool for preventing further abuse, without triggering trauma (much).

I have used AI to upload communication transcripts, using neutral prompts such as: please analyse this transcript and compare the dialogue with the criteria of post-separation abuse. Identify and categorise examples of concerning patterns of behaviour if any exist, describe with examples how your analysis can be supported by relevant evidence.

Notice I do not presume either party is or isn’t abusive - I only ask the AI search for patterns of abuse in the communication.

You can ask for risk analysis, recommendations for professional safeguards, or personal improvement in communication style, request deeper analysis with clarifying documentation etc.

For victims of abuse, nothing will be more validating or affirming than having evidence categorised, explained and prepared for sharing with professionals.

For perpetrators of abuse who don’t realise their patterns of abuse are this easy to identify, nothing should be more frightening.

Finally put pen to paper and began my new coparenting blog! Written for Mums and Dads and professionals alike, please follow along and share with anyone who needs to understand coparenting conflict better.

I'll be sharing evidence based research, real stories, insights and tools to support parents (and the professionals who work with them).

You can expect me to lift the lid on coparenting abuse, coercive control and the hidden destructive impact of invisible power and control between separated parents.

You can also expect this to be a gender inclusive, shame and blame free platform with real, practical solutions - a place where real parents with real problems can find real answers, without getting drawn into negativity or toxic representations of single parent families.

Yes, coparenting can be difficult. People can behave really badly and professionals can completely misunderstand or misrepresent what's going on... but in the spirit of staying the Conflict Cure is all about finding ways forward that work, without getting bogged down in the stuff that triggers, hurts or frightens us.

Thank you for your support!

What is the Conflict Cure? Coparenting challenges: honestly explored and effectively addressed

Book 2 is coming! Do YOU need to read this?

“The Conflict Cure” - the top six mistakes separating parents make, and how to fix them

Why should I write it? Solo mum to three kids, to two ex-partners. Author of “I am the parent who stayed” - a handbook for falling in love with unexpected (or traumatic) new single parenthood. I’ve been coaching and mentoring single and solo mums and dads for a decade.

I’ve made my own mistakes, been through many messy and difficult times. I’ve walked alongside more than a thousand other parents in the same messy, emotional and stressful situations. I’m not perfect nor do I expect anyone else to be. Separated parenting is very, very hard!

From working with parents under child protection plans to helping parents prepare for and cope with attending family court; being the victim of domestic abuse or being accused of it - I’ve seen the worst sides of conflict driven coparenting.

Separating can be traumatic, leaving parents feeling anything from powerless to hopeless to enraged. Anxiety comes with the territory no matter how good your intentions were when you called time on your romantic relationship.

Despite this, I’ve seen parents turn around attitudes of warfare, seen victims of domestic abuse develop confident boundaries and walked with both mums and dads through shock and grief until they reach the other side of overwhelming hurts. As my community would say; “The f**kery is real - but so is the recovery.”

I know what works and what doesn’t work when it comes to establishing confident, competent coparenting communication. Even where there’s been conflict, trauma and abuse. Now I want to share it with you.

Are you ready to find out more?

Nina Farr

Are you struggling to parent alongside a high-conflict or abusive ex partner?

Do you wish you could dial down the drama?

Feel helpless or hopeless or victimised by the situation?

There is a way to bring about peace, even in the most conflict-driven family breakdowns. After a decade of working with separating parents we've set out the steps we know work so that you can use them too.

Reach out to find out how we can help you and your family today.

New Emergency Alerts system - a safety update for survivors The government is rolling out a new Emergency Alerts system and a test alert will be sent early this year. The alerts will be used to let you know about emer...

Please repost or share. You never know who might need to see it: in support of all those living with domestic abuse today. You are not alone

I've written a book about being 'the parent who stayed' so it's certainly not news that I am my kids primary carer. But it might be news that it isn't what I planned, chose or wanted for them, or for me. Given the choice of having safe, healthy, collaborative shared care of my children I would take it every time. I am working towards that goal all the time, irrespective of whether it seems achievable day by day. My kids deserve it, and so do I.

The reality I live with, that lots of you live with too, comes down to the fact that I do not have the choice to coparent with shared care right now. In many homes, all over the world, there is a parent who stayed living with a situation that is the result of their kids other parent's choices. It comes down to this:

Some parents split up from their partner, other parents leave their family.

I talk to Mums and Dads in all kinds of situations, every single week. My goal is to help them to reach the best possible arrangement for their family and to be as happy as possible themselves. So when a parent says they can't see their kids more than they do, I sense check with them and explore what they really mean.

Can't is not the same thing as won't.

There is a big difference between someone who is dealing with an obstructive or controlling ex-partner who is limiting their relationship with their child, and someone who is refusing to comply with their ex's requests for healthy boundaries, routine and balance. The first parent left their partner. The second parent left their family.

If kids have a 'default' parent, this means means only one parent gets called or takes time off when the children are too sick for school. They only have one parent who manages doctors, dentists, homework, and house admin. They only have parent who does uniform washing, remembers PE kits, sorts out permission slips and goes to parent's evenings. They only have one parents one who says 'I can't have the kids this weekend' and only one parent who picks up the pieces when that happens.

This is not an 'every single parent' post.

Not every single or solo parent is a default parent. If you're lucky enough to have a collaborative co-parent, this post is not about you. I love you and I support you and I applaud you. I think you're doing a great job!

This is not for you if you help your children's primary carer as much as you possibly can and feel you are not allowed to be as involved as much as you would want to be. I love you and support you and applaud you too - keep showing up and being awesome. Your kids need you.

This IS for you if you have, through no choice of your own, sacrificed your career, your relationships, your hobbies and interests and even your sanity at points in order to make sure your kids have what they need.

And this is for YOU if you are rigidly refusing to be a parent outside of your 'parenting time' or refusing to communicate with, consider the needs of, or give due respect to your child's primary carer. You need to listen up and pay attention.

Your child's default parent is not ok. And that is not their fault. No parent, Mum or Dad, should have to carry 100% of the emotional and mental load of raising your shared children. They do not owe their co-parent gratitude when that person decides to show up, they are not being difficult when they ask for clear communication or steady routines. They are probably exhausted, sick, anxious, overwhelmed and lonely. There is nothing wrong with them for feeling like this: it is a normal, rational reaction to a s**tty situation.

A default parent is not at fault if they burn out due to lack of support. It's not their kids fault either. They didn't fail as a parent or screw up. If your kids other parent is breaking under the pressure and your response is 'look at how s**t they are doing' then my friend, YOU are the problem.

As a community we all need to call out part-time parents who let their kids rely on a default parent. We need to hold each other to account.

Part time parents are the ones who don't think about their kids when they are 'off duty'. Part time parents don't know what their kids teacher is called, where they are registered at the GP or what their friends are called. They don't know what their kids do in between their visits. They don't care what their kids default parent does for rest, respite or relaxation.

If YOU don't know and don't care, I need to be clear: you're not parenting. You're visiting. If you want to be a parent, then you need to step into a full time role reliably, consistently and respectfully.

The job description of a parent includes being present and available to meet the needs of your children, all the time, not just when it suits you. If you're not doing that because you don't like or respect your child's other parent, or you are too caught up in enjoying your single or new family life... you need to know that you're not just hurting your kids primary carer.

Your kids are hurting too. Hurting in a way their primary carer cannot protect them from, or prevent from happening, because it is out of their control - caused by you.

The outcome I see time and again for the children of default parents, is that eventually their children grow up, mature, and understand the situation. The realise that the parent who wasn't there was making a choice not to be, rather than being prevented from participating. They feel rejected, angry, hurt and become defensive of the parent who stayed.

As the parent who stayed, let me tell you straight: this is not a desired outcome. It's not good. It's no vindication or 'win'. It's depressing. It's another mess for a default parent to mop up. Another thing they must pour double effort into, rebuilding the esteem and worth of their children who feel distressed by their absent parent's actions.

The damage caused by visiting parents who don't want to step up, is a problem the default parent feels responsible to fix, with absolutely no tools at their disposal other than grit, determination and deep, profound love for their kids. Almost no default parent I have ever spoken to wants to guide their children through this, or live their lives like this.

So if you left your partner, and this rings true, please take a moment and ask yourself this important question.

Did you also leave your kids?

Is that what you meant to do?

You’re going to have tough days, tough weeks and months and I hate to say it, tough years as a single parent.

There will be times you know you’re not ok, but you need to be. Days when you’re hurting more than you are healing. Nights you spend crying more than sleeping.

You won’t always know when you’re going to be ok, or how you’ll get there. There’ll be times you find yourself sliding back when you truly believed you were on the up.

It’s ok to be honest.

Healing isn’t linear. Raising kids isn’t either.

You’re going to hit bumps in the road, relationships will wax and wane, your strength will ebb and flow.

Sometimes you need to let go.

If you need a place to be honest, reach out and let me know. Because if I’m being honest… this happens to me too.

Parenting alone can feel so very lonely, relentless and hard. But you don’t have to walk through every fire on your own. There is community, courage, calm and connection available with other parents who have been there too. Together we make it through.

❤️

Now that’s an anthem 🙌🙌

One of the things we know causes the most conflict between separated parents is when parents focus on the wrong relationship.

1) Staying in the relationship lane when the couple-relationship is over. Inevitably, when your primary focus is your ex-partner, your primary drive is for connection (good, or bad, either will do!). This leads to messy, emotional, reactive and argumentative conflict.

2) Trying to leap into the co-parent lane straight from the relationship lane. You're still relating to your child's other parent as the main focus: pushing for a relationship of respect and mutual consideration directly after the end of a couple-relationship is unlikely at best. For most, it's impossible.

Where do we need to be to cure the conflict?

Right in the middle in the Parent Lane.

In the parent lane, the primary focus is on your relationship with your child. Your aim is to meet their needs and deal with the facts of your situation. Sometimes this will be in alignment with what your ex feels is the right next step, sometimes you won't agree. But so long as both of you are working on finding a solution based on needs and facts, rather than looking for connection - whether that's spoiling for a fight, or concerning yourself with appeasing, soothing and 'managing' your ex - you'll get a better outcome.

It's important to understand that you cannot get into the coparenting lane without first entering the parent lane. It's not accessible from anywhere else. Why?

Because successful co-parenting rests on the ability to respect each other as parents, to the extent that you can work together to meet your children's needs collaboratively. If you cannot prioritise your own parenting, or your ex is demonstrably not prioritising parenting over getting a rise out of you... then you're not going to see each other as good parents. You won't want to collaborate, or even communicate at all.

So this year, if you're struggling with conflict with a co-parent, make a commitment to let go of working on that problem entirely. Get yourself into the parent lane. Stay wholly focused on your child, your choices and option to meet their needs. Work on what is possible, not what is preferable. Look at facts, forget about sharing your opinions. Be the parent your children need first, the coparent your ex wants is secondary.

In time, your commitment to step into total self-responsibility as a parent will do one of two things:
1) Convince your ex that you are capable of healthy, safe, respectful parenting.
2) Convince your ex that you are no longer available for toxic, draining or pointless exchanges of emotions.

Either way, your children will benefit because conflict will reduce. This is true even if only one of you decides to make this shift. Because if you're not in the relationship lane, your ex only has two options - shift lanes with you to focus on your children, or stay in the relationship lane alone.