04/09/2026
The existing diagnostic process of detailed interviews, forms, and observations is to be replaced by a few quick questions which will determine whether you are the genuine article or just a big fake autistic, one rent-a-gob psychologist has announced.
The new screening tool, entitled Rain Man or Go Home, constitutes a more sophisticated approach to autism assessment. Questions include: “Can you talk?” and “If you can talk, you had better have only started talking last week or it’s not looking good for you, is it?”
Developmental psychologist Dr. Karen Hoyland has welcomed the move, stating: “Rather than having an intelligent conversation about the breadth of autistic experiences and the need to ensure that people who are non-speaking or have higher support needs aren’t sidelined in our evolving understanding of neurodiversity, we’ve decided that anyone else is just making it up.”
“If you want to tell whether gold is genuine, you bite it. We did try biting everyone with an autism diagnosis, but there were complaints, so we’re going to insult them instead.”
Beth Hapworth, 40, whose “useful personality variants” leave her sobbing in ASDA because there are too many sounds happening at once, is delighted to learn that she’s not a real autistic but only the knock-off Temu version. Like many people assigned female at birth, she was not diagnosed autistic until later in life, after researchers discovered that it is possible for autism to co-exist with a va**na.
“Since realising that I’m autistic, I’ve been able to understand my sensory and communication needs better and not spend all my time bouncing in and out of mental health wards like a very grim game of pinball,” Hapworth said. “It’s nice to give the crisis team some time off so they can have that bath and cup of tea themselves.”
“However, it’s totally cool that Uta Frith wants to take that away,” she continued. “Now I can get back to gaslighting and despising myself every time I struggle with things that everyone else takes in their stride. Phew!”
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