Parenting Dirty

One of the hardest parenting skills I’ve had to learn?

𝗞𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗡𝗢𝗧 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽.

Because sometimes I know exactly how to fix it.

I could make the phone call.

I could find the answer.

I could smooth over the conflict.

I could remind them for the fifth time.

I could step in and make the whole situation disappear.

And sometimes, I should.

But sometimes?

𝗠𝘆 𝗮𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗶𝘅 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻 𝗳𝗶𝘅𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱𝘀 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗺𝗲.

That's the uncomfortable part.

Because doing it myself is often faster.

Watching them struggle can be frustrating.

And standing beside someone you love while they figure something out can feel a whole lot like doing nothing.

Except it isn't.

Sometimes I'm giving them something far more valuable than a solution:

𝗜'𝗺 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗼𝗹𝘃𝗲 𝗶𝘁.

That doesn't mean I disappear.

I'm still here.

I can listen.
I can ask questions.
I can offer guidance.
I can help when help is actually needed.

But I don't automatically take over.

Because every problem I solve FOR my child is one less opportunity for them to practice solving something themselves.

And someday, I won't be standing beside them.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼.

🌱 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗳𝗶𝗴𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗲𝘅𝘁.

That’s functional adulthood.

Parents: what’s harder for you — watching your child struggle, or resisting the urge to fix it?

Before you rescue your child, ask yourself two questions:

𝗜𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝗻𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲?

Or…

𝙄𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚?

Because those are not the same thing.

If they're unsafe?

Step in.

That's our job.

But if they're frustrated…
embarrassed…
disappointed…
confused…
nervous…
having to wait…
dealing with a consequence…
or struggling to figure something out?

They may not need rescue.

𝗧𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗺𝗮𝘆 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝗽𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗲.

This distinction can be incredibly hard as a parent because watching our kids struggle activates something in us.

We want to make it better.

And sometimes we absolutely should.

But sometimes our job isn't to remove the discomfort.

It's to stay close enough that they know they're supported while giving them enough room to discover:

“𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗹𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀.”

That's a very different kind of help.

Try this the next time your instinct is to jump in:

🌱 𝗨𝗻𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲? 𝗦𝘁𝗲𝗽 𝗶𝗻.

🌱 𝙐𝙣𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚? 𝙎𝙩𝙖𝙮 𝙘𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙚. 𝘾𝙤𝙖𝙘𝙝 𝙞𝙛 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙚𝙙. 𝙂𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢 𝙖 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙠 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝 𝙞𝙩.

We're not raising kids who never struggle.

We're raising future adults who know what to do when struggle inevitably shows up.

𝗦𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗼𝗻𝗲. 𝗬𝗼𝘂’𝗹𝗹 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗮𝗯𝗹𝘆 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝘀𝗼𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸.

Your child’s struggle is not always a problem to solve.

I know how uncomfortable that can be.

We see our kid frustrated and something in us immediately wants to step in.

Fix it.
Explain it.
Make the call.
Find the missing thing.
Talk to the teacher.
Smooth it over.
Make it easier.

Because helping feels like parenting.

But sometimes, 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼𝗼 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗲𝘅𝗮𝗰𝘁 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱.

The experience of:

“I don’t know what to do.”

…followed by:

“Wait. Maybe I can figure this out.”

That space between those two thoughts?

That’s where a lot of functional adulthood gets built.

Problem-solving.
Frustration tolerance.
Resourcefulness.
Confidence.
Responsibility.

None of that means abandoning a struggling child.

𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗮𝘃𝗮𝗶𝗹𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲. 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗱. 𝗖𝗼𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴.

But before jumping in, ask yourself:

𝗗𝗼𝗲𝘀 𝗺𝘆 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗻𝗼𝘄 — 𝗼𝗿 𝗱𝗼 𝗜 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗹𝗲 𝗴𝗼 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀 𝗠𝗘 𝘂𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲?

Oof.

There’s a difference.

Our job isn’t to remove every hard thing from their path.

🌱 𝗜𝘁’𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗵 𝗴𝗲𝘁𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱.

What’s something you’ve stopped doing FOR your child because you realized they were capable of learning to do it themselves?

One day, you won’t be standing beside them.

But your voice might be.

Think about that for a second.

The way we speak to our kids becomes part of the language they learn to use with themselves.

When they make a mistake, what will that voice say?

“You always screw things up.”

Or…

“Okay. That didn’t work. What can I learn from it?”

When something feels hard:

“You’re terrible at this.”

Or…

“I don’t know how to do this yet.”

When they disappoint someone:

“I’m a bad person.”

Or…

“I made a mistake. I can own it, repair it, and do better.”

This is why our language matters.

We aren't just responding to the child standing in front of us.

𝗪𝗲’𝗿𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝘂𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘃𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆’𝗹𝗹 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗱𝘂𝗹𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗱.

That doesn’t mean never correcting them.
It doesn’t mean endless praise.
And it definitely doesn’t mean pretending everything they do is wonderful.

It means separating 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗮𝗿𝗲 from 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗱𝗶𝗱.

Correct the behavior.
Teach the skill.
Hold the boundary.

But be careful what you teach them to believe about themselves in the process.

🌱 Raise the adult, not just the child.

What’s something you wish an adult had said to YOU more often growing up?

Functional adults know how to choose hard things on purpose.

And that skill starts long before adulthood.

It starts when our kids learn to:

Do the homework when they'd rather scroll.

Have the uncomfortable conversation instead of avoiding it.

Save money instead of spending it immediately.

Practice something they're not naturally good at.

Follow through after the excitement wears off.

Get up and try again when quitting would feel better.

Here's the part that can be hard for us as parents:

𝗦𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗽 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗶𝗲𝗿.

Not because struggle builds character automatically.

Not because kids need to "toughen up."

But because they need safe opportunities to discover:

𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗱𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘂𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲.
𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝘂𝗿𝘃𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻.
𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗴𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱.
𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁'𝘀 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗲 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗶𝘁 𝗶𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗻𝗼𝘄.

That's a massive part of functional adulthood.

Because eventually, nobody will be standing beside them making the responsible choice for them.

The goal is for that voice to become 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿𝘀.

🌱 Don't remove every hard thing.

Help them become someone who knows they can handle hard things.

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁’𝘀 𝗼𝗻𝗲 “𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴” 𝘆𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗹𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝗽𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗻𝗼𝘄?

Your steadiness is more powerful than your control.

That one can be hard to remember when your kid is losing it.

When they're arguing.
Pushing.
Melting down.
Questioning every single thing you say.

Everything in you might want to make it stop.

Get louder.
Take control.
End the behaviour.

But here's the shift:

Your child doesn't need you to match their chaos.
They need you to lead through it.

That doesn't mean giving in.

It doesn't mean there are no consequences.

And it definitely doesn't mean you have to be some perfectly regulated, endlessly patient parent.

It means you can hold the boundary without becoming the battle.

You can be clear without being cruel.

You can stay steady even when they're not.

Because every time you do, you're showing them what emotional regulation, leadership, and healthy boundaries actually look like.

And eventually, those are skills they'll need without you standing beside them.

That's the whole damn point.

🌱 We're not raising kids who obey us forever. We're raising adults who can lead themselves.

This is one of the laws inside Parenting Dirty: The Parenting Playbook for Raising Functional Adults.

📖 Available on Amazon
🌱 www.parentingdirty.com

What gets hardest for you when you're trying to hold steady?

If it feels personal, it's probably not.

One of the biggest shifts I ever made as a parent was realizing that my child's behaviour wasn't always about me.

The eye rolls.
The slammed doors.
The attitude.
The "No."
The silence.

It can feel disrespectful.

It can feel personal.

But most of the time, it's not.

Children and teens are learning how to manage emotions they don't fully understand yet. They're testing limits, seeking independence, and figuring out who they're becoming.

When we take every reaction personally, we stop leading.

We start defending.

And parenting turns into a power struggle instead of a learning opportunity.

That doesn't mean you ignore disrespect or remove boundaries.

It means you respond with leadership instead of wounded pride.

Because your child isn't practicing how to make you happy.

They're practicing how to become themselves.

And that's exactly what they're supposed to be doing.

💚 Reflection:
What's one behaviour you've taken personally that you now see differently?

🌱 Raising functional adults means leading with connection, holding healthy boundaries, and remembering that growth is rarely personal.

Learn more at:
www.parentingdirty.com